I blame the scapegoats (33 page)

11
April 2003

This
was truly a historic week as a much hated regime finally seemed to lose its
grip amid scenes of jubilation across the world. The McDonald's Information
Minister, dressed in the official stripy uniform and proudly wearing the three
stars that he received for managing to work in one of their restaurants for
more than a month, appeared before the world's press angrily denying that the
fast-food giant had finally lost the burger war. 'Our heroic leader Ronald
McDonald has scored another momentous victory,' he declared as the famous
Golden Arches came crashing to the ground behind him. 'Our glorious Egg
McMuffins have never been more popular!' he shouted as the share price tumbled
and outlets were being closed around the world.

Meanwhile,
the whereabouts of Ronald McDonald himself remain a mystery. Some reports claim
he may have died of heart failure after a lifetime of eating saturated burgers.
Though the figurehead's iconic pictures are still displayed all across the
crumbling McDonald's empire, many believe that it was a lookalike clown used in
the recent propaganda film shown on Western television featuring him giving out
balloons to young children. There is, of course, still much anxiety for the
future. Huge reserves of oil can be found in their hamburgers and who knows
what dangerous chemicals may yet be found when the inspectors go back into the
restaurants. Ordinary McDonald's employees seemed dazed and confused in the
midst of the crisis. Asked by a journalist if she could have evidence of the
brutality of the regime, a pale and poorly fed looking young worker just stared
blankly and said, 'Do you want fries with that?'

There is a rather satisfying symmetry that
the most symbolic American corporate brand should be plunged into crisis just
as the US army are reasserting the military dominance of the world's only
superpower. You might say that it was a delicious irony, but that adjective
doesn't really feel appropriate here. The more aggressively the old
'military-industrial complex' asserts the rights of US companies to trade
around the world, the less the global consumer wants to hand them their cash.
Hostility to the brand is such that earlier this week a bomb went off in a
McDonald's in Beirut. It could have been really dangerous, but fortunately no
one bought any Big Macs because a bomb went off. A few years ago there was an
extended battle as the citizens of London NW3 attempted to prevent a branch of
McDonald's opening in their neighbourhood. The Hampstead residents wanted
something more useful in their High Street, like an antique clock restorer's.

The
brand that says America' has lost its appeal. The world has taken a big bite of
the American dream and is now feeling a bit queasy. In response to the first
ever loss in its fifty-five-year history, the American fast-food giant has
announced that it is going upmarket. So soon you'll be able to see teenagers
hanging around in bus shelters eating McChateaubriand and McCaviar with their
bare hands. Obviously, when the corporation say 'upmarket' they won't be going
as far as indulging in unnecessary ostentatious extras such as cutlery. But in
future you will get a better class of worm in your fillet of fish.

Despite
the attempt at rebranding, the McDonald's share price has failed to recover.
Maybe they should make the shares a bit more attractive by giving away little
free gifts with them. Then embarrassed middle-class parents would say, 'Well,
we wouldn't normally buy a stake in the McDonald's Corporation but little Timmy
had been desperate for the wind-up plastic dinosaur . . .'

McDonald's
remains the most potent symbol of the freedoms for which the American troops
have been fighting these past few weeks. The freedom of choice to have the same
food served by the same corporation in every high street in the world. The only
minor rules are that any employees attempting to form a union will be instantly
sacked; any workers attempting to speak out against the corporation will be hit
with massive lawsuits; and if you haven't got chronic acne, well, don't even
think about applying for a job. Their fast-food mentality has spread to
everything: US foreign policy is quick and easy and don't think about the
consequences; 'Big Mac to go . . . fries to go . . . United Nations to go'. And
despite closing hundreds of outlets in the West, McDonald's are still seeking
to expand in the Third World and soon there will be very few cities in the
world without a discarded vanilla shake splattered across the pavement. The
West has got wise, so let's force the stuff down the throats of the rest of the
world. So that's what this war was all about. Opening soon, McDonald's
Restaurant, Al-Takhrir Square, Baghdad. Surely the Iraqis have suffered enough?

18
April 2003

The
Baghdad branch of Neighbourhood Watch has been completely overwhelmed this
week. 'If you notice anyone behaving in a vaguely suspicious manner, please
contact the police immediately,' say their little signs on the lampposts, but
these were all brazenly nicked along with everything else in the city that
wasn't nailed down.

As the war stumbled to a confusing and
chaotic end, lawlessness swept across the country as thousands of people helped
themselves to computers, stereos and other electrical goods. Such is the state
of anarchy in the country that many of them haven't even sent off the little
guarantee postcards yet. Western leaders have been reluctant to condemn the
looters, perhaps because the clamour for material goods is partly what this war
was all about: bringing Western-style consumerism to a former Islamic
'socialist' republic. With sufficiently aggressive advertising, within a few
weeks the rioters will become vaguely dissatisfied with that Sony Playstation
they seized and will feel the urge to go out and loot the new Playstation 2
with integral DVD player.

Meanwhile, in Iraq's own version of
Supermarket
Sweep,
the population have been fighting their way
out of the stores with as much as they could carry (though there was a separate
aisle for those looting eight items or less). Particularly popular were all the
goods with special promotional stickers on: 'All this week - two for the price
of none!' or 'Nick one - get another one free!' And then isn't it always the
way - you load up the car with looted goods, check the wads of bank notes you
grabbed when they said 'Do you want any cash back?', and then you realize you
forgot to get your parking money back from the girl on the till.

In the traditional Arab markets, traders
attempted to haggle with the mob as they eyed the various trinkets and souvenirs
on display.

'That is a beautiful hand-carved statue, sir.
That is one hundred dinar.'

'Hmmm . . . tell you
what - I'll give you zero dinar for it.'

'All right, eighty dinar - I can't go lower
than that, sir, look at the craftsmanship . . .'

'No, I think I'm going to stick with zero
dinar actually,' said the looter as he brandished an old Russian machine gun.

'Um,
well, you drive a hard bargain. Zero dinar is my final price -take it or take
it.'

The
former palaces of the Ba'ath leadership were also stripped, and the gold taps
and erotic paintings are expected to fetch a fortune if anyone can transport
them to Romford market. In wartime the media have a duty to convey a certain
number of disturbing images, but showing us Saddam Hussein's taste in art is probably
going too far. Snakes wrapping themselves around missiles being ridden by naked
women - surely the artist will have to stand trial for crimes against humanity.
I suppose he was just grateful for the work after he lost that job designing
all those 1970s heavy-metal album covers.

Some commentators attempted to argue that
this was the dispossessed taking back what was rightfully theirs - but the
looting of the palaces probably had more to do with the mob knowing where all
the best stuff would be. Once they'd symbolically pulled down one statue, they
forgot about the politics and got on with helping themselves to as much gear
as possible. Which is why their former dictator managed to hide so easily; in
the midst of all the chaos, Saddam simply painted himself in metallic paint and
is standing very, very still in a busy town square somewhere.

Gradually, it seems, some sort of order is
being restored in the cities, with some stolen goods even being returned
(although the Baghdad branch of Marks and Spencer's are now refusing to
exchange looted clothes for a different size). But just when we thought the lawlessness
was over, even more blatant incidents of looting have begun out of sight of the
television cameras. With handkerchiefs masking half their faces, two rioters
roughly the height of George W. Bush and Donald Rumsfeld kicked in the gates of
Iraq's largest oilfield and started to grab all the keys of the oil tankers.
International onlookers were powerless to prevent the illegal behaviour of
these heavily armed looters, and billions of dollars' worth of crude oil, gas
and petroleum were seized, not to mention all the free glasses.

'Yee-haw! It's all
ours!' laughed the bandits.

'Millions of barrels of the stuff! We can
just help ourselves and no one can stop us!' shrieked the grey-haired one as he
filled up the first tanker and headed for home.

'Yup, and this mask
guarantees my anonymousinity!' said his leader.

So after all these years there really is such
a person as the Thief of Baghdad. Except, strangely, his accent sounded vaguely
Texan.

25
April 2003

This
week another dangerous dictatorship has been added to the 'Axis of Evil'. Forget
Syria, North Korea and Iran; the next rogue state on the United States hit-list
appears to be France. Colin Powell declared on Wednesday that France will have
to 'face the consequences' of failing to back the United States on the UN
Security Council and all-out war can now be only a matter of time.

A
few weeks back, French fries were renamed 'freedom fries' -which is clearly a
far more sensible choice than our awkward word 'chips'. Since then, American
makers of French polish and French horns have gone bankrupt and teenage boys
have been walking into pharmacies and plucking up courage to ask for 'freedom
letters'. As Gallic food products are boycotted, exports of British cheeses to
the US are up, with the finest Roqueforts and Camemberts being replaced by
Asda's own-brand Microwavable Cheese Strings. No one can now say that the
Americans haven't suffered as well.

'May I order the
Chateauneuf-du-Pape?'

'I'm afraid not, sir, but we can offer you
this British gooseberry Riesling as an alternative.'

Now an extensive UN dossier has been
published giving detailed accounts of French abuses of human rights. There are
disturbing reports of nonchalant shrugging by French waiters. CNN has broadcast
astonishing footage of French bureaucrats actually being-rude and obstructive
to foreigners, though surely this must have been faked. American mothers have
been appalled by photographs of French women having a glass of wine when
pregnant, though there is also a certain amount of pity for a population forced
to watch all those intellectual French films that won the
oeuf
d'or
at the Bruges film festival. But what's
really annoyed the Americans is the provocative way they eat all this fancy
rich food and just don't seem to get fat. The French must fall into line with Western
levels of obesity or face the consequences. George W. Bush is now drawing up a
list of the most wanted Frenchmen, which so far names only Gerard Depardieu and
Babar the Elephant.

Hostility
between the United States and France goes back quite a few years. A lot of bad
feeling was created by the Louisiana Purchase when Napoleon's estate agent
managed to get the price up by claiming that there was another couple who were
also very interested.