I Carry Your Heart (Heart Series Book 1) (5 page)

Weirdly it was like I was in some form of alternative universe. He was the flabbergasted one, frantically running his fingers through his hair. All those years of teasing and making me look like an idiot, the roles had finally been reversed.

I smiled, enjoying my moment.

I had waited long enough.

“Where’s Mike?” I asked, breaking the awkward silence. Joel scanned the room and his eyes eventually came to rest on Mike, who was stood chatting to a group of blonde girls.

Surprise surprise.

“I’ll let you get back to them, you’re missing out on precious flirting time.” I waved my hand dismissively and walked past him, as the usual wave of rejection crashed over me.

He grabbed my elbow and for a few seconds caressed it slowly with his thumb, sending delicious tingles through my body.

“I’m fine here with you,” he whispered. His soft, warm breath tickled against my ear, almost making me jump.

Every hair stood on end at his close proximity. I felt the heat radiating from him; the temperature was definitely rising. I turned slowly and looked deep into his eyes and smiled.

God he was gorgeous.

I felt the familiar pull, as the air around us turned electric. My heart hammered deep in my chest, as my breathing became more erratic by the second. I needed to calm down and act normal. Well, as normal as I could possibly manage around Joel.

“So did you enjoy the match today?” I asked casually, trying to disguise every emotion I was feeling being expressed on my face.

An amused smile crossed his lips. He knew how much I hated football, but I was at a loss for words. My mind always seemed to go blank around him, like my brain forgot how to function. If I wanted to keep him here, then I had to employ under hand tactics to distract him. He and Mike were always off watching their beloved Arsenal, and unfortunately for me it was the only thing that sprang to mind.

The frosty glares from across the room made me turn, to find Joel’s fan club had followed us inside. Anger radiated in their eyes, they were seriously pissed, which delighted me even more.

Ha, take that bitches!

“The match was great thanks, we won, we’re now third in the league.” He grinned, looking overly excited about his team’s performance.

That meant nothing at all to me. I was out of my league but I nodded my head in feigned interest, blundering on with the conversation.

“Who were you playing Man United?” The only player I knew was Beckham, who had previously played for Man United. It wasn’t because of his football skills though, just the fact he was hot. Elijah and I had enjoyed perving over his collection of underwear ads. He was simply perfection, but Joel didn’t need to know that.

Joel laughed, looking slightly amused. “No Tottenham.”

One thing I did know a derby match was a big deal to the fans. The rivalry went through the roof with the supporters, like winning was life or death.

“Ahh, so you’ll be happy then, winning a derby match.” I smiled, feeling smug I knew that. I might just make it through this conversation unscathed after all.

He raised his eyebrows in surprise and grinned, nodding his head in delight. “Yeah, can’t stand Tottenham, it was so good to see them lose heavily today.” He carried on staring intently into my eyes and I became lost. I knew I needed to say something fast, but his beautiful eyes were far too hypnotic for me to even care. He cleared his throat and I flinched, I’d practically zoned out right in front of him.

Huh?

Shit!

What the hell were we talking about again?

“What was the score?” I asked, feeling my face flush. I was hoping he’d failed to notice my drop in concentration. Who cared about football? I just wanted to continue gazing into those magnificent eyes.

“7-2.” His eyes remained locked on mine.

“Wow.” I pretended to look shocked. “Must have been quite a match, no wonder you’re out celebrating.”

“Yeah.” He took another sip of beer and the air around us shifted, becoming slightly awkward. As the uncomfortable silence between us grew ever larger.

A loud groan left my lips, when I noticed a certain someone catch my eye. To my dismay Ryan was walking towards us. His smile grew wider with each step he took.

Did this guy not ever take a hint?

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Joel asked, looking concerned by my sudden change in mood.

I bit my lip in obvious frustration. “Oh just this guy I thought I’d got rid of him,” I murmured. How dare Ryan hijack our special moment together!

“Hey Ryan,” I chirped with fake enthusiasm. The sweetness in my voice disguised the bitterness, at his untimely intrusion.

“Izzy, I thought you’d left.” He grinned.

I didn’t share the same sentiment.

He stood close beside me, so our bodies were practically touching. Which made me shiver but not in a good way. The next thing I felt was Joel’s muscular arm wrapped around my shoulder, he bent down and kissed my hair.

I almost fainted with shock.

Oh. My. God

“Sorry Ryan, Izzy is with me.” A large grin spread across his face, watching Ryan’s face drop.

Really?

I quickly recovered, pulling a pretend sorry face to Ryan.

But I wasn’t sorry at all.

We walked off quietly laughing together. Joel’s arm remained around me, as we made our way back out into the garden. It felt so natural, like it always belonged there. I nestled my head in closer, feeling his body next to mine.

We silently walked over to a quiet corner, sitting down on the swing seat. Our bodies melded together, slowly rocking back and forth. His fingers softly caressed my arm, each tender touch sent shivers through my body. The gentle, rocking motion slowly hypnotised me. I curled up tight against him and lay breathing him in, just staring up at the stars.

We sat for a few moments in silence. The sky was now fully dark and all the fairy lights twinkled like tiny diamonds in the distance. The lanterns were lit and we basked in the warm, golden glow. It was magical, the perfect setting. Even if it was just for tonight, I knew this memory would exist in my head forever, where I’d relive it a thousand times more.

I let out a soft sigh of pleasure, concentrating on Joel’s fingers. His lips softly kissed my hair and I closed my eyes savouring his tender touch. It felt so good.

He tensed a little beside me and I turned to look at him, questioning his reaction.

Had I done something wrong?

He smiled softly in return, swallowing slowly. He licked his lips, like he was debating what to say next. Lifting his hand, he gently cupped my face and softly stroked my cheekbone with his thumb.

“I know I’ve said it already but you do look beautiful tonight, you took my breath away before.”

And now I officially couldn’t breathe.

I closed my eyes unable to take his words in. It was like I was dreaming right now. Had I misheard him? But for a moment I wanted to pretend his words were real. Joel began to stroke my face again, slowly drawing me back to the present.

“You think I’m beautiful?” I whispered. My eyes still remain closed, unable to look into his, until I heard the confirmation this was real.

“I’ve always thought you were beautiful, regardless of what you were wearing but the way you look tonight…I thought I was dreaming when I caught you.”

My eyes fluttered open in surprise and I smiled. “Ahh yeah, my knight in shining armour once again, remember when you rescued me the first time?”

He smiled, like he was replaying the moment too. It wasn’t such a fond memory for me, I grimaced in horror remembering my younger self.

“God I was such a geek back then, you must have thought I was pathetic.” I closed my eyes, avoiding his soft gaze. My eyes sprang open when his hands gently cupped my face, his eyes silently begging me to look at him.

“Never, you were so sweet and innocent, I love that quality about you. Back then you barely spoke, you never had your nose out of a book. It was charming, you were a cute little book worm.” He grinned at the last part.

Hang on, bookworm?

I scowled at the expression. No girl ever wanted to be compared to a worm.

“Hmmm book worm? That’s hardly a compliment!” I remarked, slightly irritated by his choice of name.

“Well the bookworm changed into a beautiful butterfly.” His lips pulled up at the corners, at the look now crossing my face.

“I think you’re getting your insects mixed up Joel.” I chuckled but then noticed the mischievous glint in his eyes.

“You do realise you’ve been attracting a lot of attention sitting here. I think most of the guys at this party would have hit on you by now, if it hadn’t been for me.”

I snorted at his observation. “Joel, I think you may have had too much to drink, that or you need your eyesight checked.”

“Iz, you don’t realise how beautiful you are and I like that quality about you. Most of the girls I know play on their looks to get guys.”

The sincerity was there in his eyes for me to believe his words, but all I could think about was all the girls he’d been with. “Yeah, well you would know cause you’ve been with enough to testify to that.”

His face dropped and a look of hurt flashed in his eyes.

Shit.

Why had I suddenly developed foot in mouth disease? I regretted the words the moment they left my lips. I wanted to rip my own tongue out right now.

He pulled in a deep breath and let out a huge sigh, as if to compose himself before he spoke. “I know I’ve been around Iz and I’m not proud of myself, but there is so much more to me than that. I know you see it, please tell me you don’t think that is all I am. I couldn’t bear to think you thought that badly of me.” He frowned and his eyes dropped down to the ground, as if he was almost afraid of what my answer would be.

I grabbed both of his hands and he flinched with the contact, but then equally held on tight. “Joel, I want to believe there’s so much more, but why do you do it? Why be with all these women? You need to find someone to love and settle down with. You’re worth so much more than the women you screw. They don’t care about you, they act like you’re some trophy prize. Please do it for me, if not for yourself.” My voice cracked at the sound of my own words. I had waited so long to say them, to tell him he deserved so much more.

I looked up into his strained face, as a single tear slowly rolled down my cheek, to which he gently brushed it away with his thumb.

“Don’t cry over me Iz, I’m not worth it.” His sad smile reflected the pain he kept buried deep inside.

I squeezed his hands tighter. “Yes you are Joel, I will always be there for you. Please remember that, if you ever need to talk just ask.” I silently willed him to believe my words. I wanted to be there for him more than anything.

“Iz, I need to tell you something.” Fear flashed across his face. I smiled reassuringly, pleading with him to go ahead.

My eyes gazed deep into his, hoping to hear the words I’d dreamt every night.

I held my breath waiting.

His mouth slowly opened and my eyes grew wider in anticipation.

“Joel.”

Fuck.

At the sound of Mike’s voice we both sprang apart. “There you are, we’re heading into town now, are you coming?”

A look of hesitation crossed his face, as he glanced at me.

Please choose me.

I saw the anxiety there in his face, with the internal struggle of deciding just who to disappoint.

I silently willed him and begged him with every breath to stay.

“Yeah, it’s getting quiet, let’s go where there’s more action.”

Mike grinned with obvious delight. “We should be in for a good night.” He smirked, winking at Joel.

Repulsion spread through me and I scowled at Mike’s words. I dropped my gaze, to avoid him spotting the obvious look of disappointment in my eyes.

“See you later Iz,” he whispered.

I let out a large sigh, looking up, as I watched him walk off with Mike. The smug smiles of the bitches winning their trophy back now burnt into my brain. I glanced at my watch, it was just after midnight. I had officially turned back into Cinderfuckingrella.

Voices filtered through the room, as I took my place for Sunday lunch. Right now I would rather stick pins in my eyes, then be forced to look at Joel. But the only other option was to listen to my Mother screech on about how I needed to eat more. That option was far less desirable, so I reluctantly took my seat, hoping that I would soon be put out of my misery.

Mike was being more vocal than usual. His voice was like nails down a blackboard, every syllable loud and irritating. I shot him a look of disgust, but he remained totally oblivious. He was animatedly chatting away, describing every little detail of his hook up from the night before. His wide grin made me want to punch him repeatedly, even more so after his unwelcoming interference last night.

Even subconsciously he had the power to piss me off. He was a constant pain in the butt, sticking his nose in where it truly wasn’t welcome. I hated how much control he had over Joel. Why was he so weak that he couldn’t say no? I felt the knife twist again, reminding me of his rejection. The tiny piece of hope I had held onto had now evaporated, vanishing into nothing but despair.

I stifled a yawn, disguising the fact my night was long and restless. It had been filled with intense, dark dreams of Joel. Even in sleep he haunted me, teasing me with something that would never be mine.

My finger circled the rim of the glass absentmindedly, trying to block out the inane chatter. I lifted my eyes to take just one peek, to satisfy my curiosity. Allowing myself one moment to look at him, only to find Joel’s eyes locked on me, watching me closely.

I took in a sharp gasp of air, at the intensity of his eyes boring into mine. They softened slightly after a few beats, but they held a look of concern. His lips curled up into a shy smile but I didn’t reciprocate back, and caught his frown as my eyes dropped back down.

His eyes seemed genuinely sincere but I knew the pattern, the routine. He had no doubt lived up to his player role, scoring another girl the moment I was out of sight, out of mind.

I clenched the knife tightly in my hand, feeling the blade dig uncomfortably into my skin. I had set myself up for another fall and boy was I tumbling.

Joel’s eyes remained fixed on me throughout the meal, but mine stayed locked on the plate. Focusing on eating enough to appease my Mother. I didn’t need her suspicions raised any further, by my lack of appetite. That would mean her interfering and meddling in my business, and that just wasn’t happening.

I knew he was anxiously waiting for some sort of sign. A smile. A look. But I refused to give him one. The selfish part of me wanted to punish him, for the way he had treat me last night.

When all the plates were collected and cleared away, I knew I’d be left listening to their in-depth details of last night’s conquests. I needed to leave and fast. Despite my attempts to evade Joel, he was like a magnet, still drawing me in.

My eyes unwillingly flashed up to Joel, who was still staring, almost silently pleading with me. I remembered how good it felt last night, looking deep into those big blue sapphire eyes. How my heart rapidly beat with joy, now they just caused it to ache.

I quickly broke the contact, if I stared any longer I’d lose whatever little self-control I was barely grasping onto. I needed to leave while I still had the strength to.

“I can’t believe you didn’t bang Chloe last night, she was laying it out for you on a plate. What is up with you Joel?”

What?

My eyes snapped up and locked with Joel’s. He held my gaze for several seconds, before turning back to Mike.

“I told you, I didn’t want to go there. I don’t have to get with someone every time we go out you know.” He shook his head in mild irritation, as Mike glared open-mouthed at his response.

I was pretty sure mine was wide open too.

My eyes stayed locked on Joel. Was it because of me? Was I part of the reason behind last night? My words having some affect after all?

Mike scoffed at his reply. “Sorry Joel, but has someone taken over your body? That’s the main reason we go out.” He laughed, slapping him playfully on the back.

Joel blushed, dropping his head down in embarrassment.

My anger levels skyrocketed in two seconds flat. “Maybe Joel wants more than just to screw girls, maybe he wants to find the right person,” I shouted, glaring at Mike.

Joel’s eyes instantly found mine and he smiled.

“Yeah, whatever Iz, I give it a week and he’ll be back to normal,” Mike snapped back looking smug, before sipping on his drink.

My Brother was such an idiot.

How could we possibly be related?

I wanted to throw my drink in his face, to wipe that smug smile off it, and punch it for good measure.

“A leopard can change its spots,” I yelled, jumping up from my chair, enraged by Mike’s comments.

“Why are you so interested in Joel? Half the time you can’t stand him!”

Shit.

Think of something.

But my mind went blank. I blushed snatching up the lemon meringue pie off my Mother, walking back through, using it as a welcoming distraction to leave. I couldn’t bear to be here a moment longer, Mike would soon recognise the signs. I knew he was a little slow, but at this precise moment my eyes were a dead giveaway.

Storming through my bedroom door I threw the pie down onto my desk. I no longer had an appetite after that conversation. I hated Mike but that was nothing new. I just wanted to know the reason why.

Was it because of me?

The welcoming sight of my bed enticed me. I flopped down hard, grabbing a cushion and clutched it tight as my teeth nervously chewed on the corner.

Was it something to do with the moment we had shared yesterday?

I shouldn’t let myself get carried away, that other factors could have been involved, but suddenly a spark of renewed hope began to grow inside me.

* * *

As the weather grew increasingly colder, my dependency on hot chocolate spiralled out of control. I couldn’t help it; chocolate was my addiction, and the one place that made the best hot chocolate bar none was Joel’s pub. Desperate to find out answers and to curb my cravings, I decided to head over and pay Joel a visit.

Nerves overtook me as I stood outside. I allowed myself a few deep breaths, to contain myself before walking in.

Cranking the door open, I was greeted with the glorious sight of Joel leaning sexily over the bar.

Holy shit.

I stood there dazed, drinking in every single delicious inch of him.

He was dressed in his usual work attire. The cherry red work t-shirt bringing out the intense blue in his eyes, and showing off his tattoo sleeve to perfection.

God it was so sexy.

I had to remember to breathe.

He was too engrossed in his crossword to notice me enter, busy chewing on the end of his pen in frustration, looking deep in thought.

The sight of him alone made me lose the ability to function. I wanted to stare at him forever, I doubt I would ever get bored.

The seconds slowly ticked by and I knew I had to move, to force one foot in front of the other and remind myself to breathe.

Walking towards him I took in the full effect of the refurbishment. It was so different now, looking more modern and stylish. The dirty old scratched stools and benches had been replaced with fancy black sleek leather chairs and shiny glass chrome tables. The walls were now a deep shade of purple, covered in graphic retro wall art. Thankfully the old musty carpet had long gone, replaced with a highly polished dark wooden floor. The whole place had more of a modern friendlier vibe, having finally been brought into the twenty first century and boy did it need it.

The beat of my heart grew stronger as I allowed myself a couple more seconds to appreciate Joel and all his glory.

Was it possible he’d become more beautiful in the last few days? Every time I saw him it was like the first, and each time he always managed to take my breath away.

“Hey Joel,” I chirped brightly, climbing up onto the leather stool.

His head snapped up from the newspaper and he gave me the most breathtakingly gorgeous smile, which lit up his eyes. It had me almost falling off my seat and melting into a puddle on the floor.

Breathe, just breathe.

“Hey, what a nice surprise, what can I do for you today?” His eyes held a cheeky glint, as he suggestively raised his eyebrows, which made me smile even more.

“I’d like a hot chocolate please and don’t scrimp on the cream and marshmallows either this time,” I warned, using a stern voice.

Joel pretended to look shocked, clutching his chest in mock disgust, acting like I’d wounded him, which made me giggle.

“As if I would? I’ll give you extra just to make up for it,” he said winking, as his hand cupped my chin lightly, for a few moments.

Whoa.

My breath hitched slightly, before he walked off.

Did that just really happen?

My hand brushed against the skin, where his hand had been only moments before. I wanted to launch myself over the bar and kiss him with every breath I had.

I needed to calm down.

What I needed was a cold shower, not a hot chocolate.

He returned a few minutes later, with the hot chocolate in hand. I laughed hard at the sheer size of it. He must have squirted half a can of cream on it. It was loaded with mini marshmallows and chocolate sprinkles. My eyes widened as I licked my lips slowly in anticipation.

I was officially in chocolate heaven.

“Will this do for madam?” he asked, placing the hot chocolate down. He did an overly exaggerated bow, making me giggle again. When he stood back up our eyes locked and I felt the familiar pull between us.

I laughed, attempting to drink it. “I think you’ve gone a little overboard here Joel.” I chuckled, licking the cream off my lips.

He smiled, leaning over and slowly wiped a small blob of cream from my nose with his thumb. “Well I had to prove a point.” He winked, as he slid his thumb into his mouth, sucking the cream off slowly.

God I wished I was that thumb.

My cheeks flushed, as every dirty thought about Joel filtered through my mind. I felt the heat rise inside me.

I needed to calm down.

I couldn’t let him notice the reaction his teasing had over me, that would be far too embarrassing. But I’d definitely replay that moment over and over again in private.

But not here. Not now.

To save myself any more embarrassment, I changed the subject fast. “So how were the Foos?” I asked. There was an air of annoyance in my voice. I was still slightly pissed I’d missed out on seeing them live. They were high up on my list of bands I was desperate to see.

“They were amazing, so good live, have you ever seen them?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

He should already know I hadn’t, but then he never really took an interest in my life. I was the young geek that kept herself locked away reading books, escaping to places I couldn’t physically venture to in real life.

“No,” I snapped back, a little too quickly. I took a long sip of my hot chocolate, hoping the creamy, sweet goodness would help keep my temper in check.

Joel of course had been to most of their London gigs, which annoyed me every single time. The green-eyed monster always made an appearance, listening to him and Mike regale their many tales. Most of which included hooking up with women as well, which was double the torture.

“You should go and see them, I highly recommend them.” He grinned, oblivious to the fact he was rubbing it in even more.

I scowled throwing down the spoon, so it rattled against the saucer. It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried, tickets were like gold dust every time they went on sale.

Joel frowned at my display of annoyance. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked grabbing my hand, his thumb gently caressed against my skin.

Oh god.

He was touching me.

I had now lost the ability to speak.

My attention was focused on the tiny circles he was drawing with his thumb, on the back of my hand.

“Nothing it doesn’t matter,” I muttered, shaking my head.

I never wanted his hand to leave mine. Ever.

“Aww come on, you know you can tell your friendly barman anything,” he said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. He always did have the power of persuasion.

I laughed and snorted together.

NO!

My free hand flew up to my face and I flushed with complete and utter embarrassment. I couldn’t be cool if I tried.

Joel started to laugh, amusement shining in his eyes and I cringed. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up right now. I closed my eyes, feeling totally mortified.

He pulled my hand away from my face, holding both together. His thumbs slowly grazed over my knuckles, waiting for me to speak.

“I really wanted to go but well, all the tickets were sold out.” I stared down at the bar, avoiding his look of pity. I didn’t have his friends or connections, to try other means of wrangling tickets.