I Drink for a Reason (27 page)

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Quite a few had left the country, either on their own volition or were deported. And others had either committed suicide
or died in suspicious circumstances, including one older woman who was beaten, dismembered, and found stuffed into several
green olives, which were served at a cocktail party thrown by Roger Ailes to celebrate his winning the Coney Island Hot Dog
Eating Contest, wherein he ate an entire six-year-old Indonesian boy who was in the process of eating hot dogs, in the record-setting
time of two minutes, forty-two seconds. Although it was technically a hot-dog eating contest, he was given special consideration
due to his diet.

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Now, it’s extremely important that the Mafia do this quietly, because when the game starts there’s usually some hyper pain
in the ass who immediately starts saying shit about how “I heard movement over there! I heard breathing. I heard jewelry jingling!
It’s Brian! Brian’s in the mafia! He has a loose watch on!”

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The cool thing about the Detectives is that no one knows who they are, and they kind of have to keep it that way. If a Mafia
member suspects someone of being a Detective, then the Mafia will kill them, but the Detective does need to have enough sway
so as to help the innocent or lay suspicion on the guilty. They have the hard evidence in hand. The have to try and subtly
lead the Village to the truth. For instance, if they know that Jamaraqui (an awesome player) is innocent, but the Village,
getting desperate, is singling him out to kill, the Detective has to somehow steer the focus elsewhere without being too obvious,
lest the Mafia smell a rat and kill them in the next round. “I don’t know. I gotta say, I’m not sure Jamaraqui is in the Mafia.
He hasn’t been farting, and usually he farts when he’s nervous. But Toniqua, on the other hand… I think it might be Toniqua,
because . . .”

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Prison Stuff Monthly.

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One part of the Amanda Petrusich review I would like to respond to (and several people made this mistake; it wasn’t just
her) is the misinterpreted intent of the title of my second CD, “It’s Not Funny,” of which she said, “(oh, and the knee-jerk
critical reaction to pre-emptive album titles? It’s not funny).” It was meant to be a reflection of my feelings about the
subject matter I was covering. Like when you’re a kid and you’re trying to tell people something that’s important to you but
no one is taking you seriously and everyone keeps laughing and your response might be, “Guys come on!! I’m serious! It’s not
funny!” So there’s that, for the record. I could quibble about some other stuff, but just clearing the title issue is excitement
enough for one day.