I Found You (31 page)

“Thank you,” she said graciously, looking back at Rachel. But she must just be thinking that Rachel was exaggerating. She probably couldn’t imagine that it was the truth.

I knew it was the truth.

“Oh, let me go and get your presents.”

I looked at Rachel as her fingers slipped from mine. I didn’t know she’d got them presents.

She hurried off and I heard her run upstairs.

When she was gone, I whispered to Mom. “Tonight, she’s sleeping with me. She doesn’t like being on her own. I’m not going to let you make her sleep alone tonight…”

Mom just stared at me as Rachel burst back through the door.

She was smiling widely. “Here.” She put a present down before each of them.

Mom’s was a brooch. It was only costume jewelry. It wouldn’t have cost much, but it was a really pretty cream flower with gilded edges.

I could tell Mom didn’t know what to say, and I knew, too, she could tell it hadn’t been my idea; she knew I was as surprised as she was.

Rachel had given Dad a cigar. I remembered telling her once he always smoked cigars over Christmas so the smell was all wrapped up with Christmas in my head.

He looked up at Rachel, clearly dumbfounded. “Thank you.”

“Yes, thank you,” Mom said.

“I better get mine for you too.” I stood.

“And bring yours in from the hall,” Mom said.

I knew she was embarrassed because she hadn’t got anything for Rach. Well, she should be embarrassed.

We started talking then, tentatively, sticking to safe subjects. We talked about the store, what was on TV, and about the family.

It seemed to me like there was hope after all.

When we sat down to watch the Christmas film, Rach and I sat on one sofa, and she snuggled down with her head resting on my thigh and fell asleep.

I looked up at Mom. “She gets tired, because of the baby.”

Mom nodded, and looked down at Rach, but said nothing.

“I’m going to go and move her stuff downstairs.”

Mom looked at me but, again, said nothing.

I moved out from under Rachel, careful not to wake her, and put a cushion beneath her head. But I didn’t just move her stuff. I went on to the internet in my old room too and changed our flights. I figured it really was time to get Rach out of here and back into a space where I could just protect and love her, and make her happy.

I was smiling to myself, when I returned to the living room, having put all Rach’s stuff in the den with mine, remembering the presents she’d given me, my thumb brushing over the underside of her ring.

They were all asleep.

They woke about an hour later, having slept off lunch.

I suggested we play a game of cards in the evening. I thought it might break the ice a little more.

It did; it gave us more safe territory. We played Cheat, it was Rach’s idea. The game started slowly. Mom and Dad were quiet.

After a while, I laid four cards. “Four kings.” I smiled at Rach.

“Four?” she said. I nodded.

“Oo you liar. Cheat!”

My smile had been a double bluff. I picked them up and showed her four kings.

“Ahh.” She picked up all the cards smiling. “Darn, now I’m gonna have to get rid of all these.”

I nodded, my smile quirking.

She poked her tongue out.

Dad played, and then Mom. Rach kept laying two of this and two of that. Then she put down three, threes.

I looked at her “Cheat.” I only had four cards left to put down.

A smile broke her lips wide. “Wrong!” she picked the cards up, and showed me, then picked up the whole pile, and fanned it out. “But perhaps you should’ve said cheat the last four times.” I could see from the pile she’d been lying on nearly every turn.

I laughed at her.

She grinned.

Then I caught Mom looking at us.

The atmosphere became much more relaxed after that, and Mom and Dad even started calling cheat and laughing if they were wrong.

Rach and I were breaking through their walls of rash judgment.

When the day ended and we said goodnight, Rach stepped forward and hugged Mom, who clearly hadn’t a clue how to react. Then there were tears in Rach’s eyes when she said, “Thank you, Mrs. Macinlay, I have had the best day. I’ve never known a Christmas like this, I really appreciate it. I know you don’t like me, but I’m still really grateful for you letting me come. I’m sorry if I’ve upset your holiday.”

Rach turned away then as her tears brimmed over and ran down her cheeks. She wiped them away and headed toward the den.

Mom was frowning.

“Night Mom.” I looked along the hall. “Dad. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I didn’t stay to hear them complain about us both going to the den, or to listen to any other thoughts they might wish to force on me, I followed Rach.

~

When I got up the next morning, I left Rach in bed, languid and relaxed after our early morning session, and went into the kitchen.

Rach had made love to me when we’d gone to bed, not with the determined passion and exhilaration we’d shared the night before, but with adoration and love. It had felt like we were connecting on a whole other level than before. It felt spiritual.

Mom was in the kitchen, and the room smelt of freshly brewed coffee.

She looked back at me, but didn’t turn around. “Jason.”

She was in her dressing-gown.

“Morning, Mom.” I walked over and kissed her cheek. “Can we steal some of your coffee?”

She gave me a shallow smile. “If you like.” Then she sighed. “Jason, you don’t have to go today. Rachel can stay.”

I picked a cookie out of the jar then said, “Too late, I’ve changed our flights.”

Mom turned to me then. “Jason, what did Rachel mean last night? Was this really a good Christmas for her?”

She sounded like she thought the idea absurd. It was probably our worst family Christmas.

I poured the coffee, not looking at her. “Yes…” I told Mom how it was, how Rach had lived before, and after she’d run away from home. If Mom didn’t like it that was her problem… “I don’t think her mom ever did Christmas, I don’t think she had presents or any special meal, and since she ran away, she’s probably not had a normal Christmas anywhere.”

I turned. “Have you got any bagels and bacon I can cook? I’ll take her breakfast in bed.”

Mom was frowning again. “Yes. It was sweet of her to bring us presents.”

“Well, she was nervous as hell about coming, Mom, she knew it wasn’t going to be easy. She probably just wants to make you like her.”

Mom nodded and turned away. “I’ll make your bagels. You take the coffee in to Rachel.”

Fingers crossed, Rach was finally winning them over, but I wasn’t staying here to see, Rach needed a break. I picked up the coffee.

Mom was reserved when she said goodbye to Rachel a couple of hours later, but she was at least polite.

“It’s great to have met you, Mrs. Macinlay, thank you for letting me come, and for dinner yesterday, and the party.”

Mom gave Rach a nod, but said nothing more than goodbye.

When we got to the airport, Dad gave me a hug.

“It’s good to have seen you, son. I’ll hang back over any judgment to do with the store for now. Keep in touch with your mother, won’t you? You know how she worries if you don’t contact her at least once a week.”

I nodded. Then looked at Rach, as I picked up our cases.

Dad looked at her too. “Goodbye, Rachel.”

“Goodbye, Mr. Macinlay, nice to have met you.” She held out her hand.

He didn’t completely shun her; he shook it.

We walked off into the airport and I felt Dad watching us.

Rach gripped my arm and pressed in close.

Chapter Eighteen

I woke to see my clock flashing five thirty am, and an empty bed. I rubbed my eyes, still half asleep. Yawning, I stretched my arms up, as I heard the sound of a racing car penetrate the bedroom door. Rach was playing something on the Xbox. At five am.

She obviously hadn’t been able to sleep last night.

I cursed Mom and Dad as I got up, and pulled a pair of boxers on. They’d done this to her by rejecting her.

I yawned again as I walked into the living room, then stretched. Rach was sitting cross-legged on the beanbag, her thumbs working the controls. Her hands clenched it so tightly, her knuckles were white.

She’d been quiet the whole flight home, and she’d not said much when we got in either. She hadn’t wanted to go out to eat so I’d just ordered a pizza.

“Honey, how long have you been playing that?”

She looked up suddenly, surprised, like she hadn’t heard me get up. There was a screeching skidding sound and then a smash rang out from the TV. “Shit.” The controller fell slack in her hand as she looked back at the TV.

“When did you get up, Rach?”

She looked at me again, her green eyes wide but looking dazed. “I’ve been up most of the night, one maybe two? I don’t know.”

“Do you want a coffee?”

“Yeah.”

She’d been playing the game nearly all night then. When I went to make the coffee, she began again, and I watched the screen from the kitchen. I was not sure what to do.

When I handed the coffee to her, though, a few minutes later, I said. “Rach why don’t you switch that off and talk to me? Tell me what’s kept you up all night?”

She let the car crash again, without a flicker of concern, and the controller fell onto her lap. Then she reached out and took the coffee instead.

I sat down facing her, crossing my legs too, and putting my coffee down, so I could lean over and switch the TV off. “Go on then, Rach.”

“I don’t know.” But that was an utter lie, I did know, and as I looked at Jason I felt tears brim in my eyes. I’d been holding tears back all night. He leaned forward and one of his hands gripped mine, the opposite of the vision I had back at his parents when I’d imagined not being able to reach him. I held it, looking at the bond between us. Now was the time to speak and tell him about my illness, but the words wouldn’t come.

I looked up. Okay, maybe I didn’t have the courage to tell him that, but I could tell him why today.

I sighed and then words slipped from my mouth. “Seeing your family… it’s just… it’s brought back all the memories of mine… They weren’t like that. My Mom never cared, I wasn’t even dragged up; I struggled up. Me and my brothers and sisters, we scavenged for food at times. Home wasn’t safe. Nowhere was safe because I didn’t have a mom fighting my corner, and I never had a dad at all…” I took a breath as his brown eyes looked at me full of compassion. “I’m afraid of having the baby in a way. I don’t know how to bring a baby up…” These were the thoughts that had been rolling round in my head all night. How could I have a baby?

He leaned in then and hugged me, in that solid warm way he had of giving comfort. He wrapped me up, saved me from myself and protected me from the world. That was the sort of guy Jason was. Tears flooded from my eyes as I gripped him back, holding on to him, my arms about his torso. How the hell had I coped when I hadn’t had Jason? His hand ran over my hair, and I felt my ring on it.

“You’ll be fine. You don’t drink like your mom did, do you? And you care. So you aren’t going to do the stuff your mom did. And I’m going to be there too…”

That only made me cry more. I felt like I didn’t deserve him today. He felt too nice for me. It was another of those days I’d choose to beat my battered ego up with a bad guy. My brain had been spinning from high to low and up again all night, and now I was just exhausted.

He held me tighter for a moment, then he pulled away looking into my eyes. “We’ll go to the library and get books, shall we? A ton of them. I never had younger brothers and sisters so I’m as blind to this as you are…”

I smiled at his reassurance. He knew the things to say to me. I nodded.

“It’s going to be okay,” he chucked me under the chin and smiled. God he was such a beautiful sight when he smiled, especially with his top off. My smile lifted more, and then I put my coffee aside, and moved so that I could half lie in front of him, leaning against his chest. His fingers stroked through my hair.

“Your cousin, Katie, told me something at the party.”

“What?”

“Lindy told her she’d slept with Billy before you even met me.”

“
No…
” It sounded like surprise. Not outrage. My fingers pressed on his thigh, sensitive to the feel of the masculine hair on his skin as I sat upright twisting back to see his face.

“Seriously, she wasn’t making it up. Does it bother you?”

His smile quirked sideways and he shook his head. “No, no. I guess not. I mean even if I hadn’t met you, I think I would’ve been relieved. I knew from about two weeks after we got engaged that things wouldn’t work out when I came to New York. But shit… with Billy? And then to be like that with you… she needs to see someone. Why didn’t you say before? I could have told Mom.”

I shook my head. “Don’t tell your mom, there’s no need for us to make other people judge her. She knows she’s in the wrong. She must be feeling guilty. Katie said she thinks that’s why you dumped her, ‘cause you sensed it. She’s blaming herself anyway, but it’s just easier for her to take her anger out on me.”

His fingers brushed my hair back from my brow. “You, are worth a lot, Rach. You’re precious. I’m sorry my parents treated you so badly and I’m sorry your mom did too.”

I picked up my coffee and drank it then, leaning against him as he stroked my hair, and we talked of other stuff. I felt better, I always felt better when I was just with him.

When he finished his coffee, he said. “Seeing as we’re up, do you want to go for a run?”

I shook my head, I wasn’t in the mood. “No I’d rather stay here and have a soak in the bath. You go though, you’ll enjoy it. It won’t be busy.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, of course. You don’t mind?”

“Honey, of course I don’t mind. I’d never force you into doing anything. You just run with me when you want to, okay?”

I nodded. I’d got used to his kindness before I’d met his family but now his kindness felt like looking into a window at his life, while I was still outside it. He fingers brushed through my hair again, and he gave me a closed lip smile that suggested he understood how I felt. “When I get back, we’ll do something special together. Yeah?”