I Found You (32 page)

I nodded again, and then I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his, in just a gentle touch. It was the sort of kiss I’d never given anyone but him. One that said
, I love you.

~

I ran down to Prospect Park. I felt like I needed to think, although I didn’t even know about what. Feelings, memories, hurts, were all cluttered up in my head. I’d left Rach behind, and it made guilt cut into my chest, but I needed this run; my blood itched for activity, and my brain just wanted to slip into the running zone. The pace of my running, and the beat of the music from the compilation Rach had made me, started setting my thoughts into a rolling order. They focused on Rachel.

I thought of her standing on Manhattan Bridge in the beam of light shining from above, in a t-shirt, on a freezing cold night. I thought of tending her cut hand, as she sat upright in the bath, with her knees curled to her chest. I thought of her working her first night in the restaurant, and buying her clothes, teasing me with glimpses of the underwear she was picking. I thought of her singing Katy Perry’s
Firework
on the karaoke stage. I saw her showing me how to drink a tequila slammer and dropping a shot of Jäger into a glass of Red Bull, and then I saw her pacing outside Dad’s store, and handing me presents sitting on top of the bed Christmas morning.

I felt her, remembering how we’d made love in the alley, while sirens and traffic, and people, serenaded our urgent embrace.

I thought of her kissing me in the shower after we’d come back from a run. Of her doubled over with a stitch when she’d started running; of making love to her that last night at Mom and Dad’s.

Then I thought of her speaking of her past this morning, and sitting on the rail in Brooklyn Bridge Park and telling me she loved me.

Lastly, I thought of how she looked when I got up and went to work, lying in bed, asleep, silent and beautiful.

I thought of all the damning words Mom had spoken against Rach. They were all wrong. That girl had had a hell of a life, she deserved some peace now. I’d told her I was staying with her and the baby, but what she needed wasn’t promises, it was stability. She needed security and the baby was going to need a father. Surely if I was going to commit, I ought to do it right.

What was the point in hesitating? I’d have to do it before she had the baby.

I circulated the park with the idea growing inside me. Why not? The music played in my ears and the winter sun shone down on me. The cold air felt good in my lungs, fresh.

Why not?

I wanted to stay with her.

I was in love with her. More in love than I’d been with Lindy when I’d made the same choice.

Why not? Perhaps it wasn’t normal to do it so quickly, but everything about Rach and I, from the first night, hadn’t been normal. Rach wasn’t a normal sort of girl. She’d stepped up my gears and chased me from the slow ride toward a dead end I’d been heading down onto a racing track of life. I felt right with her, energized and happy, even though we’d been through hell the last few days.

Shit. We were going to have a baby together.

I didn’t want the baby growing up without the sort of home I’d had. Rach and the baby needed somewhere safe, and there was only one way to guarantee that.

And why was I even searching for more reasons. I didn’t need excuses to do it. I loved her. I’d never felt this way before, it was real and long-term, and––
why not?
Rach’s rashness was rubbing off on me. I loved that she could make choices in a second, and that she did stuff without considering the consequence. I wasn’t going to think of consequence. I was going to be like her and just do what I felt like doing.

I looked at my watch; it was nearly eight-thirty.

I left the park and headed toward 7
^th
Avenue.

I think the woman in the store thought me mad, or a mugger, as I hovered outside waiting for her to open up, and then scanned the trays of rings wearing my sweats, with my earphones dangling ‘round my neck. I didn’t even know Rach’s ring size, but I guessed it. I knew Lindy’s size and Rach’s fingers were a little more slender. I sold them Lindy’s ring that I’d been carrying in my wallet and picked another. One that would go with the bracelet I’d got her.

Then I went to an internet café.

When I got home, I told Rach we were going out that night. But nothing more.

Chapter Nineteen

There was an odd mix of emotion inside me as I pulled on my jeans. Jason and I had spent the day together. We’d gone to the Bronx Zoo, to be different. I think he’d hoped to make me laugh as we looked at some of the odd looking animals. He’d succeeded. But then he’d insisted we come back and get changed to go out again for the evening. I slipped on my emerald shirt, before looking in the mirror on the wall and doing my makeup.

Jason hovered at the bedroom door watching me. I smiled at him in the mirror then poked out my tongue. He laughed and came closer, then smacked my bottom gently.

“Great ass.”

I turned and his hands slotted about my waist, the moment before he kissed me.

Life was so domesticated with him. It still felt like I was playing at it.

My arms lifted to his shoulders and I cocked my head to one side. “So what’s our itinerary tonight?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know…” He tapped my nose. “It’s a surprise, Rach.”

“Can’t I just have a little clue?”

“No.”

“Does it involve Santa and the North Pole?”

He laughed.

“Snow?”

He lifted one eyebrow.

“Oh you’re cruel.”

“And you’re just going to have to wait.” He laughed.

I knew he’d spent the day trying to cheer me up. It wasn’t gonna work, my stupid head had slipped into a low gear now, but I loved him even more for trying. This nice guy thing was working for me… I smiled.

“Are you ready?”

“Uh huh.”

“Well let’s go then and let the adventure begin.” He was smiling too, but an odd twist lifted his lips.

We went to the subway station. It was busy, as so many people had come to New York for Christmas and New Year.

As we stood on the subway train, holding each other’s hand, while gripping a pole with our free hands, I whispered, “Where are we going?” pushing for details once more.

His forehead tipped to mine. “We’re going to dinner in Chinatown.”

“And there was I thinking this was gonna be seasonal. I thought we’d be ice-skating.”

He smiled at me. “Sorry, then, Chinatown’s a disappointment.”

I kissed his lips, wondering if we were making others in the carriage uncomfortable as we were so absorbed in each other.

“Nowhere is a disappointment if you are there.”

We walked from the subway station into Chinatown. Its bright lights and colorful exteriors lit up the night.

He kept a hold of my hand the whole time, weaving a path for us through the crowds. We got a corner table and shared a quarter duck with pancakes, and then a set menu meal for two. We talked all the time, and I could laugh, because the coin had spun inside me again and landed happy side up.

We discussed the baby, and how we imagined life would be. He was the sort of guy who’d feed it and change diapers, and walk it in its buggy to help it sleep. He’d be the perfect dad. But he wasn’t the dad. I pushed that thought away. I didn’t want to think of Declan now. I didn’t want to think of Declan ever again.

At the end of the meal they brought us fortune cookies.

I opened the packet.

Jason didn’t open his.

He’d been talking, but now he stopped, and looked down, reaching for something from the pocket of his jeans as I cracked the biscuit open.

When I pulled out the little slip of paper he suddenly reached over and took it from my hand, then gave me another to replace it.

I looked at him oddly, smiling and laughing. “What are you up to?”

“Nothing, just read it.”

He was grinning at me, but with a mushy glitter in his eyes.

God, I love you.

I looked down.

Your fate lies in Times Square.

He’d obviously written it earlier.

I looked up. “What are you up to, Jason Macinlay?”

His eyebrows lifted. “Well clearly taking you to Times Square, as your fate’s there.”

What was he doing?

He leaned across the table and kissed my cheek, then stood. “Come on then I’ll get your coat.”

He paid for the meal at the till and then held my coat as I put it on.

“Thanks,” we both said to the staff when we left.

I gripped his arm as we walked back to the subway station, then we traveled into Times Square. I’d no idea why he’d decided to take me there.

We were both silent as we rode the escalator up to the Times Square subway exit, and, unusually for us, the silence seemed charged, like we should be speaking but we weren’t. For me, that was because I didn’t know why we’d come here. I wanted to ask a ton of questions, and they all fought to be voiced in my head, but I knew there was no point saying any of them, cause whatever this was, it was some surprise, so he wasn’t gonna say.

What kept him silent? I didn’t know any more than I knew why we were here. But his fingers seemed tense as they held mine, while he looked up as the escalator progressed. But then just before we stepped onto the last flight of steps to climb up to the street level, he looked back at me, and gave me the sweetest smile full of adoration and expectation.

I smiled back, letting him lead.

I’d changed. I knew I had. I hadn’t quite yet found my new fit in life, but this good guy
had
rubbed off on me. Maybe there was hope for me after all? Maybe my silly head could learn to be normal.

But then maybe not, now it was babbling. But with the noise from Times Square flooding the air, it was no wonder my mind raced at a hundred miles an hour suddenly. When we came up the cramped staircase, people pushed into me, and then when we reached the street I was overwhelmed with the sights and sounds. It was so busy, flooded with tourists, all watching the electronic billboards. Everyone was looking up, as the vivid illuminations shone bright against the night sky. They flashed and shifted, so many colors, like a living kaleidoscope.

When we were in the middle of the sidewalk, Jason stopped. I was only half aware of him. My attention was focused on all the bright beautiful images around me, and the noise of the cabs, the cars, and people. But his stillness pulled my awareness back to him and I turned to face him, wondering why he’d stopped.

His lips were closed, though he smiled, and his eyes seemed to be looking right into me.

My hands had let go of his arm. He caught one of them in his. Then he dropped onto one knee.

Fuck!

“Rachel Shears, I…”

Fuck!

“…love you, and I know you love me, and I’ve thought about it, and I want to do this right…”

No! He couldn’t be doing this!

“I was going to put it up on the billboards but I didn’t have time and I couldn’t have afforded it anyway, so I thought just do it here anyhow. So you’d remember…”

No! He was crazier than me. His parents would go mad.

“I want to be with you forever, I want the baby to have a proper family, a mother and a father… and, well… will you marry me, Rachel?”

My lungs suddenly filled with air and then it left them, and I couldn’t breathe anymore in.

This was stupid. We’d only been together a couple of months. He couldn’t be doing this. I mean… Who did this?

Nice guys.

My heart pounded as I watched Rachel, while my knee hurt on the concrete. The cold was seeping through my jeans and the ground was wet.

She looked shocked.

I’d been fretting over her reaction all the way from the restaurant. I’d started losing my nerve when we got here. But I was hanging on to the things I’d learned from her. To not think and to just do. I loved her. I wanted to marry her. I just had to persuade her to accept.

People about us were stopping and watching, and the noise of the traffic was really loud.

I hadn’t thought about it being so crowded, or about the noise, until we’d started coming up the steps. I’d screened out the reality of Times Square when I’d been planning this romantic gesture earlier. Perhaps it was misguided, but Rach was a New Yorker. Even if she hadn’t been born here, it seemed to me Times Square was the right place to propose to a fast living city girl like her.

God, I hoped I wasn’t making a fool of myself. I’d thought she felt as much for me as I did her, but she was still silent, and looking at me like I’d gone mad. The pain of the cold, wet concrete against my knee got sharper.

“Rach?” I said, less confidently, when after what seemed like an age, but was probably only moments, she still hadn’t replied.

Then she did the oddest most adorable thing that made everyone looking laugh. She squatted down, on her haunches, her weight balanced on her stiletto heeled boots, and both her hands gripped mine.

She was eye level to me, both of us on the ground in Times Square.

“Jason, you can’t mean this,” she whispered. “Seriously, I don’t expect it.”

I held her gaze, though I couldn’t really see the green, only the black at the heart of her eyes, and gripped both her hands, holding them tight, as I stayed on one knee. “Rach, I do mean it. I know this is right. You love me, don’t you?”

“Yeah, but––”

“There are no buts. Isn’t this different to what you’ve felt for anyone else?”

“Yeah, but, Jason––”

“Stop saying ‘but’ and say ‘yes.’ We’re gonna bring up a child together. I’ve never felt like this before. It was love at first sight for me …  I want you to be my wife.”

She was crying. I saw the tears glitter in her eyes, reflecting back the myriad of colored lights.

“Say, yes,” I whispered.

“Say, yes.” The crowd started urging.

“Go on, love, say, yes, to him.”

“Say, yes, he must be worth it, his knee must be hurting like hell,” some guy behind Rach taunted.

“Say, yes, because he’s
gorgeous
,” a woman next to us said, laughing.