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Authors: Ron White

I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability (12 page)

BOOK: I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability

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Well, she's in bed, sobbing, and I don't know what to do. And I call Foxworthy, and I tell him, "Buddy, I'm lost here." And he goes, "Git her another dawg," or however he talks.

I tell her, "Honey, I'll get you another dog." And she just loses it. "I don't want another dog. I never want another dog. I want my Tatee back."

And I was like, wow. And I listened to it for like a week, and then I'm like, "You know what? I'm gonna get her another dog."

I find a place that breeds Scottish terriers not too far from where we live. And I get her in the car, and I tell her where we're going. And at first she's against it, right? "I don't want another dog. I never want another dog."

But we get down there, she sees them all hopping in the window, "Pick me, pick me." And I buy her this little black Scottish terrier puppy. And I give it to her, and folks, it heals her heart. This little puppy heals her broken heart.

Well, two weeks ago, her father passed away, and I'm like, I think I see a way out of this. So I get her in the car, and she doesn't know we're going to the old folks' home, right? And when I tell her, at first she's against it. "I don't want a new daddy, I don't want a new daddy."

But we get down there, she sees them all hopping in the window, "Pick me, pick me."

She wanted a black one. I'm like, "Keep it simple. Nothing wrong with it. Think it through, though."

He acts weird when I walk in the room, but I think it's because he smells my daddy on me.

F
or our honeymoon, Barbara and I went on a cruise to Santorini, Greece. And the cruise was fine. We fought the whole time.

And I knew we were going to, because she booked the cruise, and then she shows it to me on the calendar, and the cruise is at the end of the month. Guess what else happens at the end of the month over at our house?

I'm looking at the calendar, going, "Oh, great. I'm gonna spend a week in a little, tiny cruise ship room, trying to get Jeannie back in the fucking bottle."

And my wife's the nicest person I ever met. But you get her PMS-ing and a couple glasses of red wine, and she turns into "Let
me
tell
you
something about
you
that
you
don't know."

And I'm not making light of women's periods. That's some serious shit.

If that happened to me one time, I'd be in the hospital. It wouldn't be any of this nonchalant, "Oh, look, I'm spotting."

Fuck that. I'd be running down the road like my hair was on fire, screaming, "My balls are bleeding, my balls are bleeding!"

But it's our honeymoon, man. And when my wife's on her period, she won't have sex with me at all. No way.

Which is bullshit. Because if the roller coaster is broken, they don't shut down the whole amusement park. Because if they did, you'd be standing outside that fence going, "The log ride's working fine. And I've got some coupins."

Anyway, right before we leave to go on this trip, Foxworthy gives me a Viagra. And I tell him, "Buddy, I don't need that."

He says, "Seriously, dude, you take this on your honeymoon night, you will thank me when you get home."

So I'm like, "OK, I'll try it." So I take it one night, and I walk into our little stateroom. She goes, "I'm just not in the mood." And I'm like, "Yeah, me either."

My dick was hard enough to hunt with. I could have chased down an elk and beat it to death with this dick.

"Oh, shit, I broke an antler. I was gonna have this thing mounted. Now I'm gonna mount this thing. Gimme something else to fuck. Hand me that parrot."

And that wasn't even our biggest point of contention. Our biggest point of contention was that she wanted me to lay out by the swimming pool all day long every day.

Now, normally I would have done it, you know? I'd have just laid there in a lounge chair and read a book, just to shut her up. At this point, I'm out of diamonds.

But I didn't want to lay out by the swimming pool all day long every day, because there was a fan of mine out there. And he wanted to talk to me all day long. Every day.

This guy told me his entire life story, against my will. This guy raped my ear. This guy forcibly shoved unwanted information into my ear hole.

No means no.

And I felt sorry for the guy. I mean, the story was that his wife had left him and started sleeping with all his buddies.

I don't know what I'm supposed to say. "Well, I wish I knew you better. I just fucked an elk and a parrot. My self-esteem's in the shitter."

And that wasn't even the guy's worst quality. This guy was about sixty years old, and he was in great shape--he was a marathon runner.

He was a little bitty guy. He was maybe 5'5", 130 pounds. But he's got this great big nose and these great big, huge hands. And this little tiny bathing suit with what looks like a squirrel living in it. I shit you not.

He's not just standing there. He's leaning this thing into me, and bobbing it around a little bit. I guess to make sure I noticed it. But there's people on the other side of the swimming pool going, "Look at the dick on that guy. I wonder what he feeds it."

We make it to Santorini. And Santorini, Greece, is this little tiny island. It's the partial rim of an ancient volcano. And for two thousand years, folks, the only way to get to the top of the rim on the port side of the island was take a donkey up these switchbacks eight hundred feet. Takes forever.

Until five years ago, somebody built a tram that does the same thing in about eighteen seconds. And I was really shocked to see the donkey guy still in business, because he had the worst sales pitch I ever heard in my life.

"You can take the donkey to the top of the rim, or you can take the tram. It is the same price."

That would be my biggest secret if I were you, buddy. I'd start lying to people as soon as they got off the ship.

"The donkey is three-fifty. The tram is around twenty-eight hundred euro."

"Shit, saddle me one up. Come on, honey, it'll be fun. And you're in such a good mood. Maybe a donkey ride would be just the thing to cheer you up."

Well, as it turns out, I'm a tram guy. So we take the tram up, and then we've got to walk up from that, up these ancient cobblestone streets, up, up, up. Because there's one more church in the Mediterranean, we haven't seen it.

And I'm sweating scotch from every pore on my body. There was a huge party the night before, and I was more fucked up than Courtney Love at the Pamela Anderson Roast.

I woke up the next morning, my head felt like I went on a date with Robert Blake.

We're trudging up this mountain. And I know I've got about ten minutes of this left in me, and I'm gonna want to go back to the ship and sleep it off, and that's gonna piss her off even more.

And we walk by this little place that rents scooters. And I tell my wife, "Why don't we rent one of these scooters? We can buzz around the whole little island on a little scooter."

She goes, "We are not getting on one of those scooters."

I said, "Let me rephrase that. I'm gonna rent a scooter. And if you'd like to, at some point, hop on the back of it, that'd be fine. Or you can watch my little tail-light fade away into the distance!"

She goes, "You don't even know how to ride a motorcycle!"

I said, "I've been riding motorcycles my whole life!"

As it turns out, though, I don't know how to ride a scooter. This thing was a piece of shit, man. It had a front wheel the size of a doughnut, and my knees are in my ears, my hands are two inches apart on the handlebars, buses are roaring by.

She's screaming, "STOP THIS THING, GODDAMN IT!"

I'm screaming, "LEAN THE WAY I LEAN, GODDAMN IT!"

Like a monkey in a sidecar.

After a while we start to get the hang of it. And we make our way down the gentle, sloping other side of Santorini. And you get down there, and it's just these knockout beaches and bars and restaurants.

It's the promised land. My promise. We make up from our little tiff, and we start walking down the beach, hand in hand.

It turns out that part of the beach is a nude beach. Guess who's there?

Squirrel Man.

And he has got what looks like an anaconda laying in his lap. As soon as I saw it I told my wife, "That thing musta ate the squirrel."

And he's not even laying flat on his back. He's leaning toward the people that are walking toward him.

BOOK: I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability

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