I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean somebody asked me to leave, we walked to the door together, and I said "Bye, everybody, I gotta go." Six bouncers hurled me out of the nightclub like I was a Frisbee. They
hurled
my ass. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot.

I backed down from the fight, 'cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass. But I knew how many they were gonna use. That's a handy piece of information to have right there.

Well, they called the police, 'cause we broke a chair on the way out the door, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it because "we" broke it over "my" thigh.

The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent . . .
but I didn't have the ability. . . .

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REGISTERED TRADEMARK--MARCA REGISTRADA

eISBN : 978-1-101-04103-1

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

White Ron, 1956-

I had the right to remain silent . . . but I didn't have the ability / by Ron White.

p. cm.

eISBN : 978-1-101-04103-1

1. White, Ron, 1956- 2. Comedians--United States--Biography. I. Title.

PN2287.W45823A3 2006

792.702'8092--dc22 2006009056

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To my wife, Barbara, and my son, Marshall

INTRODUCTION

I
've put out a CD,
Drunk in Public;
a DVD,
They Call Me "Tater Salad";
and most recently a CD and DVD,
You Can't Fix Stupid
. But people have also been asking me to do a book. So here it is. Along with comedy I do onstage, it features some stories of my life as a comedian on, and off, the road.

If you want to give me some feedback on the book, you can e-mail me through my Web site,
www.tatersalad.com
. I'd love to hear from you.

Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy it.

ONSTAGE: SET 1

I
'm going to start off by asking a question, 'cause I don't know the answer. I lost my sunglasses, and I went to the Sunglass Hut. Here's the question: Why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25-inch color television set? Anybody know?

I go to the Sunglass Hut. I see a pair of glasses I like. I don't love 'em. I like 'em. 309 bucks. And I asked the guy very politely, "How do you sleep at night, you fuckin' prick?"

And I told him, and this is true, that two weeks ago I bought a 25-inch color television set from Wal-Mart for 218 bucks.

And he goes, "Well apparently, sir, you don't get it."

"I'm listening."

He goes, "These glasses eliminate one hundred percent of all UV rays."

I'm like, "No, apparently
you
don't get it. This thing decodes a digital satellite signal it picks up from outer fucking space."

And then it turned out the glasses got basic cable, and I felt like a dickhead.

Y
ou ever take a crap so big, your pants fit better? I'm hoping that happens to me soon. I'm hoping I'm one big turd away from backing into an old wardrobe.

O
ne day I was sitting in a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos, and I was flipping through the television, and I saw Robert Tilton, he's a televangelist from Dallas. And he was staring at me.

And he said this. He said, "Are you lonely?"

Yeah.

He said, "Have you wasted half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?"

This guy's good.

He said, "Are you sitting in a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos?"

Yes, sir.

He said, "Do you feel the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?"

Close.

I thought he was talking about me there for a second. Apparently I ain't the only cat on the block who digs Cheetos.