I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability (2 page)

Read I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability Online

Authors: Ron White

BOOK: I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability

10.22Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

I
was performing at the State Theatre in Kalamazoo, Michigan, and these guys took me to a blues festival they have near there. And I love the blues, but they need to figure out some problems with the festival. I don't like to party anywhere where you can't just give somebody money and they give you back a beer, you know what I mean?

I stood in line for an hour. My mouth is dry. I want a beer. I love beer. I know they're selling beer. People are walking away from the front of the line, and they've got beer. That's how I figured the whole thing out. I get up there. I give the guy my money.

He goes, "We don't take money here."

"What do you take?"

"Coupins."

"What?"

"Coupins."

"Where do I get a coupin?"

"See that line over there?"

It takes forever. I stood in that line for an hour. I gotta show them my driver's license, birth certificate, fill out a form. They mail that away. Send me back some coupins.

"What are you doing, Ron?"

"I'm waiting on UPS. There's a good chance I'll have a beer by Thursday. I'm partying like a Kennedy right now."

I was game, too. I had 100 bucks cash on me, I bought 100 bucks worth of coupins.

And then some of the guys that took me there asked me if I wanted to go to a topless club. And I didn't, really, want to go . . .

I just ended up going, 'cause--you guys back me up on this--you've seen one woman naked . . . you want to see the rest of them naked. It can be an old biker chick you know they're going to hang down to here.

"You want to see my titties?"

"Yeah, I do . . . All right, that's enough. Roll them back up, sweetheart."

And then closing time came around and the tabs came out, and I found out the titty bar don't accept them coupins.

The guy at Taco Bell told me to kiss his ass.

"I'll give you forty dollars' worth of coupins for a burrito with cheese. It's all I've got. It's a coupin."

I
saw something that comes close to truth in advertising. The De Beers people are almost saying what they really mean. Because the old De Beers slogan was, "Diamonds are forever." Then they changed it to, "This year, take her breath away." The new slogan is, "Diamonds, render her speechless."

Why don't they just go ahead and say it? "Diamonds: That'll shut her up. For a minute."

I
did a show one night in Cincinnati, and I came offstage and I was looking for something to eat. And across the street from the club is a place called Skyline Chili. Next door to that's a place called Gold Star Chili, across from that is Liberty Chili, Ray's Chili, Joe's Chili, Bob's Chili, chili everywhere.

Now, I wasn't trying to start any shit with the little chili boy. I was making late-night conversation, and I said to this guy, "You know, it seems like there's a whole lot of chili places here. You wouldn't think there would be, would you?"

And he goes, "I'll have you know the Cincinnati area is the chili capital of the
woild
."

Oh, excuse me for thinking it might be Mexico City or Guadala Goddamn Jara. I don't even think you all told the Mexican boys you were having a contest.

That's right. 'Cause a Mexican boy'd come up here with a goat and an onion and kick your ass. He wouldn't even need a car; he could ride the goat up there.

Of course, he'd need a lift home. Can't ride home on a bowl 'a goat. I've always said that.

I
was in Miami when Hurricane Georges hit the Keys a couple years ago. I just thought this was funny. They evacuated the Keys and everybody left except for one guy.

I've been through two hurricanes. I was in Hurricane Carla when I was a kid in Houston. And I was real excited during hurricane time, you know, 'cause I'm out there in the Gulf and it's dangerous. And I'm like, "This is cool."

Till shit started hitting our house. And I was like, "Fuck this."

But anyway they evacuate the Keys and everybody leaves except for one guy, who was gonna stay there and tie himself to a tree on the beach to prove a point.

And the point was, he said, that at fifty-three years of age he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind and the rain from a force-three hurricane.

All right. Let me explain something to you. It isn't
that
the wind is blowing, it's
what
the wind is blowing.

If you get hit with a Volvo, it doesn't really matter how many sit-ups you did that morning. If you have a yield sign in your spleen, joggin' don't come into play.

"I can run twenty-five miles without stopping."

"You're bleedin'."

"Shit."

T
hat same time in Florida, somebody broke into my truck and stole my radio, thank you, whoever you were.

I got to drive back to Texas listening to the sound of wind for forty-nine hours.

I went to the insurance company. I was filling out these forms. And I got to the part on the form where it says what kind of radio it was. And I told the guy I didn't remember.

And he said, "Mr. White, if you can remember what kind of radio it was, we'll know how much money we can give you."

That's some good news right there. I thought of a real expensive-sounding brand, and I wrote it down. And he knew I was lying.

"Mr. White, I don't believe Rolex makes a radio."