I Hear Them Cry (7 page)

Don’t abandon me.

Shigeki fished out a small box from his pocket. I slowly edged back, shrinking away from him. Probably believing that I was just being my usual stubborn self, he went on to untie the silver ribbon. In the box was a ring featuring a large, coolly twinkling diamond solitaire.

“Marry me, Mayu.”

His voice was brimming with confidence, as if he were absolutely sure I would break out into a rapturous dance. I really wanted to do exactly that. I had been leading him on all along after all. I loved him. But I could not in good conscience run away and leave Anna alone—not until I made sure she was all right. So my answer to him was no. But I couldn’t say it. Instead I simply looked down to avoid his eyes. He sensed then that the person who wasn’t picking up the ring wasn’t the usual bullheaded one.

“Why?” he said.

There was a tight lump in his throat, and his voice hinted at anger and wounded pride. He kept pressing me for an answer, edging closer and closer. But if I explained it all, I knew something terrible could happen to Anna, or to Simone and to Pierre, so I couldn’t possibly say anything. I couldn’t involve anyone. It was out of the question.

“I’m heading home to Japan tomorrow,” Shigeki said. “I simply can’t stay in France any longer. I’ve got work waiting for me.” Then he issued the ultimatum. “If you have no intention of returning with me, I guess this is good-bye.”

That word—
good-bye
—tore through my heart like a sharp razor knife, mutilating it. I didn’t dare look at his face. I couldn’t bear the thought of him knowing about my sadness and fear, so I just said, “I see.”

“What? That’s it? That’s all you have to say?” His words burned with fury, his pride in tatters. What else could I have said? How could I admit lashing a seven-year-old girl with a belt?

I watched his back disappear beyond the door, harboring a silent rage, just before he closed the door with a loud bang. The sound stung my entire body like a lashing. If I’d had it in me at the time, I would have clung to his feet to stop him. I wanted to. I really wanted to. But instead, leaning my back against the door, the strength in my knees just gave way and I collapsed. My tears streamed endlessly. I felt helpless as the humidity in the room, caused by my own sobs, began to suffocate me. It made me wonder whether I would one day be covered in mildew, body and soul, before I came to my senses. The fear that I might be sent away to prison and the pain of losing Shigeki weighed on me so heavily that my body felt like a mangled and twisted mess.

After he left, I found myself visiting the church more often. I thought that if I prayed, my loneliness and fear would subside. But the hole that Shigeki’s loss had left behind couldn’t be easily buried. Even when I was painting the church, its large wooden door would morph without my noticing and I would find it wide open like the yawning mouth of a tunnel. Tormented by loneliness and despair, I gradually became thinner.

Still, one thing gave me faith. When night fell, I would hear that person whispering into my ear,

Mayu, Mayu, Mayu.

The whispering sounded painful and somehow melancholy, as if someone were trying to reach out and grasp something, all the while coinciding and echoing with Anna’s voiceless cry. If my instincts were right, he would come for me, without fail.

ALAN: ONE

Five months later the court reached a verdict. To me, the wait had seemed far too long. Simone lost custody of Anna, was declared emotionally unstable, and was sent away to the hospital. Pierre was sent to rehab, where he was to remain until he turned twenty. By the time Simone was released, Anna would be almost eighteen, an adult.

Anna, that fierce young Joan of Arc who had won her security and stability fighting in the world of adults, was made a ward of a child-welfare institution. Before long she would be reunited with Pierre. I, on the other hand, ended up being saved by Anna’s dauntless bravery. Not a soul came to know about what I had done. I had been spared.

I went to the church, where I genuflected and questioned my recent behavior.

Firstly, about having dismissed the idea of reproaching Pierre for stabbing his mother.

Secondly, about having hit Anna.

Thirdly, about making Simone pay for her sins.

Will God ever forgive my insolence? I gave myself the third degree, endlessly turning over the questions in my mind. But it was useless. I couldn’t find any answers, and confessing to Jean was out of the question. I took it upon myself to deny the urge to relieve myself of this burden when Simone, Pierre, and Anna continued to suffer, each in a hell of their own. In doing so, I was trying to atone for my own sins.

“Ah, there she is, Mayu the pious,” Jean said, sneaking up on me. An hour had passed already. I had no idea I had been praying for that long. I remembered one of Jean’s favorite quips: “
The church favors the sinner who repents
.”

“Say, Mayu,” Jean said, looking suspicious, “Pierre told me that he’s indebted to you for life. What’s he talking about?”

“I’m not sure. I think he’s exaggerating. I mean, all I did was take care of Anna for one night.” I couldn’t help thinking that Pierre knew that I was behind the recent turn of events.

(God may have forgiven me after all!)

At the very least, for the first time in my life, I was experiencing the sense of gratification that comes from having truly helped someone. But still, the price for this elation was a loss too big for me to bear.

(Bring back Shigeki!)

As I knelt there in the church, I began to take God to task. I knew now that I wasn’t alone, that there were others like Anna in the world. An echo took up residence in the corner of my mind:

Help. Help. Somebody help.

With the trial over, my life gradually returned to normal, except for the fact that Shigeki wasn’t there. I had been freed from my worries, but I remained lost in a darkness of desolation and
despair. My entire life had turned monochromic, and the paints I used became devoid of color.

Then one day Alan visited the café.

“Hey there, Mayu. Long time no see,” he called out.

“Oh my god! Nice of you to come by. So glad to see you.”

“You’ve slimmed down an awful lot, haven’t you?”

“You think? Actually I’m doing fine. It’s just that I’ve been busy.”

“You mean with Anna, right? Must have been no laughing matter to have gone through all that.” Alan’s gentle and comforting words touched me deeply.

“So how about that road trip?” Alan asked. “The one lined with the marronnier trees, remember? We’ll drive up there tomorrow. You wouldn’t mind, would you?”

Alan was being a bit pushy, but he was a wine dealer and I thought perhaps I might hear news about Shigeki. I accepted the invitation.

That night I fretted over what to wear the next day. I hadn’t dealt with such an issue in a long time and I was happy to lose some sleep over it. While I never forgot about Shigeki, the fact that I had been asked out to enjoy a drive certainly lifted my spirits. In the end, I decided on a pair of blue jeans and a turquoise T-shirt. I didn’t have that many choices after all. All that time, I had been putting on airs about being poor, only to be reminded that I was, in fact, poor. But I remained proud, as proud as Shigeki was of himself. I was proud of the fact that I was following in Jean’s footsteps, emulating his life of devotion to God. But then again I still yearned to wear that big diamond ring on my finger. Why did I fear admitting it, even to myself? In truth, I wanted to plunge headlong into Shigeki’s world and never look back.

The day turned out to be ideal for a drive. Under the clear sky we rode in Alan’s stylish red convertible. When we reached
the countryside, Alan revved the engine, and soon we were whizzing along a road lined with the marronnier trees.

“It’s beautiful,” I remarked.

“If we keep going,” he said, “this road will take us all the way to Rome.”

(Then keep going, just keep going! Especially if it reaches all the way over to the other side of the world, where I could be by Shigeki’s side.)

I was screaming with joy inside as we sped along. But in the end, just when I thought I was being liberated from the grips of my despair and unease, the car came to a halt.

We had arrived at a winery’s harvest festival. Joyful music filled the air and a great number of wine buyers were there, mingling with other farmers and locals. Alan took me by the hand and led me farther into the grounds where the atmosphere got merrier. People were dancing or sinking their teeth into barbecue and corn on the cob; there were glasses of wine everywhere.

Alan started chatting with an acquaintance. I got some wine and a slice of pizza and felt myself getting in the mood. And then I froze.

I’d caught sight of a silhouetted shadow, a shape I knew all too well. I just kept staring until it suddenly turned my way. It was Shigeki, standing there, deadpan, with one hand gripping a wineglass and the other stuffed in his pocket.

He approached slowly. I distanced myself from Alan and the crowd. There was a barn adjacent to the vineyard. I leaned against a brick wall in a warm patch of sunlight.

My heart was pounding. He was drawing nearer now, his face still expressionless. It was chilling to watch. I wondered if our love had already died. I didn’t mind if he hated me. I just
wanted him to have some emotion left. If I saw any anger in him, I planned to jump into his arms.

When Shigeki finally arrived, he just stood there, casting his shadow over me with his back bathed in sunlight. I couldn’t tell what was going on inside him even though he was staring straight at me.

“Mayu, you’ve become awfully thin,” he said. “I didn’t recognize you.”

“You haven’t changed,” I said.

Shigeki inched even closer. He pulled his left hand out of his pocket and pinned me against the wall, blocking my way.

“Was it Alan?” he said in a barely audible whisper.

In the darkness of his eyes, quivering with curbed rage I saw flickering flames of jealousy. Tears welled up in my eyes. They were tears of happiness, overflowing like the surging waters of a collapsed dam.

(Oh, God, thank you! I haven’t lost him!)

“No, not at all!” I answered. “It’s Anna—the incident, you know. But I don’t want to talk about it. It’s all over now.” I dropped the wineglass and pizza and wound my arms around Shigeki’s neck. Shigeki stared at me suspiciously, but when he brought his face closer, he sealed my lips with such passion it was like he was venting his anger. Then, beginning to understand my feelings, he stared at my face again and whispered, “Mayu. Mayu, my time without you was hell.”

“I lost weight with each tear I shed,” I said. “God, how I was dying to see you!”

“Is this true?” he said, fixing a devouring gaze before hugging me so tightly I couldn’t breathe.

My instincts had been right all along. Shigeki needed me. And there was nowhere else I’d rather be than by his side.

Mayu. Mayu. Mayu.

He whispered into my ear, once again stirring my blood to a boil. It had been heavy and dead until then, but now it was rushing and coursing through my entire body, surging through my veins like a roaring tide, forming whirlpools of such intense joy, such intense passion in my heart. As if to pluck off the strands of my hair, he coiled his fingers through them and then covered my head with his hands before looking into my eyes again. And then I saw in his eyes—the very same eyes that had once shown irritation, hurt, and, in the end, intense rage and hatred because I had said no one too many times—in those eyes I now saw signs of anguish and fear, signs that appeared like so many fault lines, so many cracks marring the veneer of his tightly focused jet-black screens.

And then he said in a gravelly voice, “Mayu, I want you by my side, always.”

What can I say? I was thrilled to pieces, and I really don’t know how to put into words the joy I felt then. It was such a rush. Fearing Shigeki would simply vanish if I closed my eyes for an instant, I couldn’t even blink. All I could do was nod as the tears came streaming down.

“There’s no way I’m going to leave your side. There’s nowhere else for me, Shigeki.”

The French sky, so crystal-clear blue, appeared warped through my tears. That’s when I saw Alan approach, smirking.

“Alan.” I was embarrassed and didn’t know what to say.

“Mayu, would you tell Tachibana to seal the supply deal with my company?” he said quite unexpectedly. “Look, I wanted him to see you, okay? It’s kind of my way of repaying him for his knuckle sandwich!”

“Oh my god! Alan!” I said, springing at him, filled with gratitude. “Thank you. You’re amazing.”

Shigeki looked confused, so I explained. “Don’t you get it? Alan brought me here because he knew that you’d be here.”

“Touché, Alan,” Shigeki said, gripping Alan’s hand. “You win this one.” And just like that, Alan had concluded a major deal with Tachibana Shoji.

Three days later we were in a church, pledging everlasting love, as if to regain lost time. We exchanged our vows in front of Jean before God could change His mind. I couldn’t have been happier, being blessed by the devotees of the tiny village church under a clear blue sky beneath the gently spreading foliage of an elm tree. Needless to say, I thanked God from the depths of my heart.