I Love Lucy: The Untold Story (16 page)

DESI.
You’re right, Amigo. I never
have
been much...of an actress.

JESS.
...You know what I mean. You’ve got to understand this isn’t personal, Desi. It’s just that the network wants a show starring Lucille Ball, and sponsors will feel the same way. That’s just the way it is, and there’s nothing either one of us can do about it.

DESI.
Well, I just don’ like the idea of havin’ second billin’ to my own wife.

JESS.
Oh, is
that
it?
(Pauses to consider this.)
Okay, then how about this: Giving Lucy top billing is the
“gallant”
thing to do. You know
—
let the lady go first!

DESI.
(
After thinking it over for a moment.
) I suppose so.

JESS.
And after all, you’ve got the
title.

DESI.
What are you talkin’ about? The show’s called
“I Love Lucy”!

JESS.
(
Pause.
) You’re just not looking at it the right way. “I Love Lucy”
—
that’s really a line of
dialogue,
right?

DESI.
Yeah, I guess so.

JESS.
So
you
tell
me: Who’s
line
is
it?

DESI.
(
Long pause.
) (
Tentative.
) Mine?

JESS.
(
Pause.
) Of
course
it’s yours. And it’s all
about
you, too.

DESI.
Are you crazy? It’s about
Lucy!
I’m not even mentioned!

JESS.
(
Pause.
) No, listen.
You’re
the one saying “I Love Lucy.”
You’re
the one telling the world how
you
feel about your wife. We still don’t know
anything
about
her,
but now we know something important about
you.
Right off the bat, even before the show begins, we know you’re a
good guy—
a good
husband
, who loves his wife. Now what better introduction could you ask for?

DESI.
I hadn’t thought about it like that.

JESS.
(
Slight pause.
) Good. Then it’s settled. Okay?

DESI.
(
Resigned.
) ...Okay, Jess.

SOUND.
(
Intercom buzzer, receiver up.
)

JESS.
(
Into phone.
) Yes, Merce, what is it?

MERCE.
(
Filter.
) Eliot Daniel is here, Jess.

JESS.
Great, send him in.

SOUND.
(
Receiver down, door opens.
)

ELIOT.
(
Fading in.
) Hi, Jess.

JESS.
Hi, Eliot. What have you got for us?

ELIOT.
Can I use this piano?

JESS.
Please.

SOUND.
(
Eliot moves the piano bench.
)

ELIOT.
Okay. The first thing I looked for was an opening phrase that would say, “I Love Lucy.” It took me a while, but as soon as I settled on those first four notes, the rest of the theme sort of wrote itself. It goes like this:

MUSIC.
(
Eliot plays the theme song.
)

ELIOT.
(
Midway through song.
) And then of course it repeats...

MUSIC.
(
Theme song ends.
)

JESS.
Eliot, it’s perfect!

DESI.
Partner
, we’ve got ourselves a theme song! (
Pause.
) Now lemme ask you somethin’. The great thing about this is it really
says
“I
Love Lucy.”
But accordin’ to Mr. Oppenheimer here,
I’m
the one who’s sayin’ it. So shouldn’t we say it with a little more Latin flavor? You know, maybe add some conga drums and maracas?

ELIOT.
That could work, sure.

DESI.
Great! ...Eliot, I think we’re in business.

ELIOT.
(
Quiet aside.
) Now don’t forget, Jess. I did this as a favor for you, but you promised to keep my name out of it.

DESI.
What!? What are you talkin’ about? Why wouldn’t you want credit for such a sensational piece of music?

ELIOT.
(
Normal volume.
) The brass over at Fox might not think it’s so sensational.

DESI.
Why not?

ELIOT.
Because my exclusive contract with Fox doesn’t run out until next year.

DESI.
Oh.

ELIOT.
So if you don’t mind I’d just as soon they didn’t hear about this.

JESS.
Don’t worry, Eliot. We’ll leave your name out of the credits.

DESI.
(
Slight pause.
) (
Quietly, to himself.
) Hmm.

JESS.
What?

DESI.
Speakin’ of credit, Jess...I just thought of a way to settle whose name comes first
—
mine or Lucy’s. Why don’t we just compromise, Amigo, and make it alphabetical?

(
After a beat, they both chuckle.
)

MUSIC.
(
Bridge.
)

WINCHELL.
As the audience began to fill the seats in Studio A on March 2nd, Desi was still negotiating
—
this time with
CBS
.

SOUND.
(
Overlapping.
) (
Crowd noise as audience fills the studio seats—continuing under.
)

HAL.
Look, Desi, I already told you we have to have a
signed contract
before we start.

DESI.
Forget it, Hal. I’m not signin’ that thin’ until it says the band gets paid
every
week. Why is that so hard for you guys to understand?

HAL.
Maybe because the show only airs every
two
weeks!

DESI.
So what are my musicians suppose to do
—
only
eat
every two weeks?!

LEVY.
(
Over intercom—filter, reverb.
) Places, please.

HAL.
I’m sorry to have to do this, Desi, but either you sign this contract, as is, right now, or the show doesn’t go on.

DESI.
You can’t
do
that!

HAL.
Of course we can. We’re the ones
paying
for it, aren’t we?

DESI.
Tell me somethin’
—
how much is this thin’ costin’ CBS?

HAL.
Let me see.

SOUND.
(
Rustling papers.
)

HAL.
Here it is. Just over $19,000.

DESI.
Okay. Then its
settled
. I’ll pay for it
myself
, and it’ll belong to me and Lucy. Wait here while I get my checkbook.

HAL.
(
Alarmed, backtracking furiously.
) Now—now wait a minute, Desi. That won’t be necessary. If you feel that strongly about it... I suppose there’s really no reason we can’t go ahead and shoot it now and work out the details later. You—you just go ahead...We’ll talk more after the show.

LEVY.
(
Over intercom—filter, reverb.
) Places please. Is Desi in position? (
Pause.
) All right, here we go. Cue applause. (
Slight pause.
) Cue orchestra.

MUSIC.
(
I Love Lucy theme—fade after about 10 seconds for...
)

WINCHELL.
The pilot came off without a hitch, but that was just the first step. CBS still had to sell it to a sponsor, and as Oppenheimer found out when the kinescope arrived in New York, not
everyone
at CBS was a
fan
of “I Love Lucy.”

SOUND.
(
Intercom buzzer, receiver up.
)

JESS.
Yes, Merce, who is it?

MERCE.
(
Filter.
) It’s Hubbell Robinson, Jess
—
he’s calling long distance on Line 1.

JESS.
Thanks. I’ll take it.

SOUND.
(
Phone button pushed.
)

JESS.
Jess Oppenheimer.

HUBBELL.
(
Filter.
) (
Annoyed.
) Listen, Jess, what the hell are you
sending
me? I can’t
possibly
sell this show. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever
seen!

JESS.
(
Deadpan.
) Thanks, Hubbell. You’re tops in
my
book, too.

HUBBELL.
(
Filter.
) (
Pauses a moment to think this over.
) Now look, Jess, it’s nothing personal. I just still think we made a huge mistake agreeing to use
Desi
.

JESS.
Well, I disagree.

HUBBELL.
(
Filter.
) Well, you’re entitled to your opinion. All I’m saying is, don’t quit your day job.

JESS.
Hubbell, this
is
my day job.

HUBBELL.
(
Filter.
) Well, then I guess you’re screwed.

JESS.
(
Pause.
) Goodbye, Hubbell.

SOUND.
(
Jess hangs up the phone.
)

MUSIC.
(
Bridge—continuing under.
)

WINCHELL.
The pilot
didn’t
sell. It was rejected by practically every ad agency on Madison Avenue. But after months of failure, Don Sharpe finally managed to find
one
ad man, Milton Biow, who
liked
“I Love Lucy.” And
one
was all he needed. The Biow Agency bought “I Love Lucy” as a
weekly
show, for Philip Morris cigarettes. Everything finally seemed to be going swimmingly, until one morning in May, when Jess Oppenheimer received a
phone call
from
Biow:

SOUND.
(
Jess picks up the phone.
)

JESS.
Hi, Milton. How was your vacation?

BIOW.
(
Filter.
) Fantastic, Jess. Couldn’t have been better. And the whole time I couldn’t stop thinking about “I Love Lucy.”

JESS.
Glad to hear it. We’ve all got a lot of confidence in the show.

BIOW.
(
Filter.
) Great, great. That’s the spirit. So, tell me, Jess, how soon are you and the Arnazes making your move to Manhattan?

JESS.
What?! Where did you get the idea that we’re moving to
Manhattan
?

BIOW.
(
Filter.
) Well, since you’re doing the show at CBS, I just assumed you’d want to live in the City. Of course, if you’d rather commute from Connecticut or Long Island—

JESS.
(
Interrupting.
) Now hold on a minute. Nobody ever said anything about doing a show in
New York!
The deal was for the show to be done here in
Hollywood
, with
kinnies
for the rest of the country.

BIOW.
(
Filter.
) Jess, I don’t know what anybody said or didn’t say to you, nor do I care. But I
do
know this: The show I bought for Philip Morris is gonna be done
here
in
New
York
, where most of the TV audience can see it
live—
not on some lousy
kinescope
.

JESS.
What’s wrong with a kinescope? It’s good enough for Ed Wynn...and “The Alan Young Show.”

BIOW.
(
Filter.
) Two measly shows. Have you seen what those shows look like when the kinescope gets to New York? No, you probably haven’t. But you’ve seen the West Coast kinnie of Berle’s program, haven’t you? Let me tell you something—if I wanted that kind of crappy picture, I wouldn’t need a TV set. I could just stare at the window on my wife’s
washing machine.
(
Pause.
) Why do you think all the
important
TV shows are done here in New York? Listen, Jess
—
I may love Lucy, but I’m also fond of my job. And I’m not gonna
keep
it if I buy a show that only
15%
of the country can see
clearly
, while the other 85% have to watch it through
cheesecloth!

JESS.
(
Pause.
) Milton, if there’s been some kind of misunderstanding, then I apologize. But I can tell you that Lucy and Desi
won’t
leave California. They’ve decided to raise their
family
here. That’s one issue that Lucy’s absolutely
clear
on.

BIOW.
(
Filter.
) I’m truly sorry to hear that, Jess. I like the show. I really do. But if that’s the way it’s gonna be, you’d better start looking for another sponsor.

JESS.
Now hold on, Milton. Wait a second. There’s gotta be some way for us to work this out. Let me talk to the network.

BIOW.
(
Filter.
) Unless it’s about laying
transmission cable
across the Rockies, I don’t see what good it’ll do. If the Arnazes insist on staying in California, I might as well drop the program right now and start looking for another property for Philip Morris.

JESS.
Just give us a little time before you pull the plug. Will you do that?

BIOW.
(
Filter.
) I can wait until the end of the week. But that’s it. I’ve probably wasted too much time on this project already.

JESS.
I’ll call you on Friday.

SOUND.
(
Jess hangs up the phone.
)