I Love Lucy: The Untold Story (17 page)

WINCHELL.
Oppenheimer immediately went to see CBS exec Harry Ackerman...

HARRY.
I just don’t understand it, Jess. We were clearly talking to them about a
Hollywood
-based show.

JESS.
Well,
someone
didn’t get the message.

HARRY.
Do you really think Biow was serious about pulling the trigger?

JESS.
(
Deadpan.
) He practically offered me a cigarette and a blindfold.

HARRY.
(
Pause.
) And Lucy won’t move to New York. ...Got any ideas?

JESS.
Not really. The way I figure, there are only three kinds of shows. There’s live shows from the East Coast
—
which
Lucy
won’t
do.
And live shows from the West Coast
—
which
Biow
won’t
buy.
That just leaves
filmed
shows. But this is a situation comedy. Nobody’s ever
done
one of those on film. So I don’t see how we’d ever convince Biow that it would work for “I Love Lucy.”

HARRY.
Hold on a second.
We’ve
done one!

JESS:
You’ve done one
what?

HARRY.
A situation comedy on film.
Amos ’n’ Andy
. It premieres next month.

JESS.
No kidding!
How does it look?

HARRY.
It looks terrific. ...But it’s filmed on a sound stage, with no audience. And you know how important the
audience
is for
Lucy.

JESS.
Listen, Harry, let’s take this one step at a time. We can figure out the audience thing later. But if we don’t get Biow back on board right now, then come Monday you’ll be looking at a
big hole
in your fall schedule, and Lucy and Desi and I will all be looking for
work.
(
Pause.
) How quickly can you arrange to screen
Amos ’n’ Andy
for Biow?

HARRY.
I’ll make the call right now.

JESS.
Good. I’ll phone Desi and fill him in. Oh, and Harry?

HARRY.
What?

JESS.
When you talk to Business Affairs, would you do me a favor and get them to finish the Philip Morris contract already? After this morning I’m not going to get a wink of sleep until that thing is signed.

HARRY.
That makes two of us.

MUSIC.
(
Bridge.
)

WINCHELL.
(
Overlapping.
) Biow liked what he saw at the
Amos ’n’ Andy
screening. The Arnazes agreed to produce the show on film, and Philip Morris agreed to let them stay in Hollywood. But there was still one snag
—
switching to film was going to cost an extra $5,000 a week, which the sponsor refused to pay. (
Pause.
) It is now one week later, and Lucy and Desi are at home awaiting word from their agent on negotiations with the network:

SOUND.
(
Doorbell.
)

DESI.
Don’t get up, honey. I’ll get it.

LUCY.
Thank you, dear.

SOUND.
(
Overlapping.
) (
Desi walks over to door, opens it.
) (
Don comes bounding in.
)

DON.
(
Fading in—bursting with enthusiasm.
) Well, boys and girls, I’d say I’ve
earned
my 10%
this
week.

LUCY.
What are you talking about, Don?

DON.
It took a lot of doin’, but I got CBS to pony up most of the extra money it’ll cost to do the show on film.

DESI.
How much is “most”?

DON.
Eighty Percent! Can you believe it? I got ’em to boost the budget by four grand! All you have to do is cut your combined weekly salary by a thousand dollars to make up the difference. Pretty sensational, huh?

DESI.
That’s fine, Don.

DON.
Fine?
That’s all you think it is? Fine?

DESI.
No, I think it’s great, really great, Don. There’s just one thin’.

DON.
What’s that?

DESI.
Lucy and I want to own 100% of the show.

DON.
(
Surprised.
) You do?

LUCY.
(
Surprised.
) We do?

DESI.
I’ve been sittin’ here thinkin’ over this whole thin’. A
weekly
show means no more
band
dates for me, an’ no more
feature films
for Lucy. If we’re gamblin’ our
careers
to make this tele
vision
show, we should at least
own
what we
make.

DON.
But that would mean you’d be takin’ on a hundred percent of the production cost overruns!

DESI.
I know that.

DON.
Now wait a second. What good is ownin’ the show if CBS is still takin’ its same cut out of what the sponsor pays each week? How are you ever gonna make a profit? You’ll be lucky to have enough left over to pay your own salaries!

DESI.
That may be. But there’s one thin’ nobody’s been thinkin’ about.

DON.
And what’s that?

DESI.
The
films.
I just
know
we can make money on those
films.
But only if we own ’em outright. One hundred per cent.

DON.
Great. Let’s say you own the films. Just what do you expect to do with ’em? There’s not a movie theater in the country that’ll show ’em.

DESI.
Then I’ll sell ’em overseas.

LUCY.
Desi, are you sure this is a good idea?

DESI.
Don’ worry, honey. I’m not gonna clean out our bank account.

LUCY.
Then where are you gonna get the money?

DESI.
Simple. I’ll just borrow it from CBS.

LUCY.
CBS?
Why in the world would they
give away
their half of the show, and then turn around and help us
finance
it?

DESI.
Because you’re more important to Bill Paley than you
realize,
honey. Why
else
would they have agreed to pick up so much of the extra
production cost?

LUCY.
But what if they say no?

DESI.
Then we can always take the deal that Don negotiated. What’ve we got to lose?

LUCY.
Well, I suppose it
would
be nice to have the films to show to our children.

DESI.
Okay, Don. You talk to CBS and tell them we want the whole thin’.

DON.
You’re the boss.

SOUND.
(
Don picks up the phone, dials. Phone rings once at the other end of the line, followed by a click.
)

LEEDS.
(
Filter.
) Martin Leeds.

DON.
Marty, this is Don Sharpe.

LEEDS.
(
Filter.
) Hi, Don. Did you speak to Desi yet?

DON.
Yeah, I spoke to him.

LEEDS.
(
Filter.
) Well, what did he say?

DON.
We want to own all of it, Marty. Not just fifty percent. The whole thing.

LEEDS.
(
Filter.
) You’re out of your mind. How would you afford the production costs? Where would you get the money?

DON.
Don’t you worry about that.

LEEDS.
(
Filter.
) (
A little louder.
)
Don’t
tell
me
not to worry about that. That’s what I get
paid
to worry about!

DON.
Now, there’s no need to get excited, Marty.

LEEDS.
(
Filter.
) (
Back to normal volume.
) I’m
not excited
, Don. But I
can’t
give you the show. At the end of the day we’d just end up back on the hook. ...I’m sorry, but you’re just gonna have to change Desi’s mind on this.

DON.
Well, I’ll see what I can do.

SOUND.
(
Don hangs up the phone.
)

DESI.
See what you can do about what? What’d he say?

DON.
He told me to talk you out it. He figured out the network could end up holdin’ the bag.

DESI.
Leeds is too sharp. We should hire him to work for
us
.

LUCY.
Does he have final say?

DON.
Not necessarily.

LUCY.
Well, then isn’t there someone
else
at CBS who can make the deal we want? ...Harry
Ackerman
really believes in the show.

DESI.
That’s the
problem,
honey. If Harry’s so sure it’ll be a hit, there’s no way he’ll agree to give up the network’s stake. ...I never thought I’d say this, but it’s too bad everyone at CBS is such a big fan.

DON.
(
Pause.
) Well...I wouldn’t say
everyone
.

DESI.
What? What do you mean?

DON.
I didn’t mention it before ’cause I knew you’d get upset. But the Head of Programming
—
you know, Hubbell Robinson? He didn’t think much of our audition film.

DESI.
What did he say?

DON.
Actually, he said it was the worst thing he’d ever seen. He still thinks casting
you
was a big mistake.

DESI.
That son of a bitch. (
Pause.
) I’d like to punch him
right
in the nose.

DON.
(
Thinks for a moment.
) Hold on. I’ve got a better idea.

SOUND.
(
Don picks up phone, dials “0.” Phone rings twice at the other end of the line, followed by a click.
)

OPERATOR.
(
Filter.
) Your call, please.

DON.
Hello, Operator, I’d like to make a long distance call to New York City. The number is Murray Hill 5-3878.

OPERATOR.
(
Filter.
) One moment, please.

(
Pause.
)

SOUND.
(
The phone rings twice at the other end of the line, followed by a click.
)

SEC’Y.
(
Filter.
) (
New York accent.
) Mr. Robinson’s office.

DON.
Hi, Mary. This is Don Sharpe calling from L.A. Is he in?

SEC’Y.
(
Filter.
) Oh, hello Mr. Sharpe. Mr. Robinson is in a meeting right now. Can I take a message?

DON.
Can you see if I can break in for just a minute? This is really important.

SEC’Y.
(
Filter.
) I think the meeting is almost finished. If you’ll hold on for a moment I’ll check.

DON.
Thanks, Mary. I appreciate it.

SOUND.
(
At the other end of the line—click, pause, then another click.
)

HUBBELL.
(
Filter.
) Hello, Don? I understand you’ve got something important to tell me.

DON.
That’s right. Now listen, Hubbell. I’m gonna kill a couple of birds with one stone. Business Affairs has agreed to up the “I Love Lucy” budget by four grand a week, but that still leaves a weekly deficit of a thousand dollars. So here’s my solution
—
we’ll pay the thousand dollars, but we wanna take a hundred percent ownership of the show.

HUBBELL.
(
Filter.
)
Why?

DON.
Because Lucy and Desi want to own the negatives.

HUBBELL.
(
Filter.
) The
negatives?
What the hell do they want to do with the negatives?

DON.
Search
me
. Maybe they plan to show ’em at their kids’ birthday parties.

HUBBELL.
(
Filter.
) (
Pause.
) All right, let me get this straight, Don. You’re saying that CBS would still get the same cut out of what the sponsor pays each week, and in exchange for owning the negatives, Lucy and Desi would be responsible for all production cost overruns?

DON.
That’s
exactly
what I’m sayin’. We’ll be responsible for everything. But I need your answer right now, Hubbell. The clock is runnin’ out on the deal with Philip Morris, and Desi could always change his mind.

HUBBELL.
(
No filter.
) All right, Don. You go ahead and tell Desi we’ve got a deal. He can have all of the show
—
and all of the budget headaches to boot.

DON.
(
Filter.
) Well, that’s what he says he wants.

HUBBELL.
Then I wish him the best of luck. I’ll send you a deal memo tomorrow morning.

DON.
(
Filter.
) I’ll tell him. Thanks, Hubbell. Good-bye.

SOUND.
(
Hubbell hangs up the phone.
)

HUBBELL.
(
Overlapping.
) Sorry for the interruption, gentlemen. But I just solved a little problem with one of our new programs.

CBS EXEC.
Which one?

HUBBELL.
It’s called “I Love Lucy.”
You
know
—
the one starring Lucille Ball.
First
she insisted we use her Cuban bandleader husband. And
now
we find ourselves having to produce it on
film
and
eat
the extra expense. Hell, we’re not even sure how much a filmed program is gonna cost!