I Surrender (7 page)

Jasper laughs, appearing genuinely interested, and I feel at ease with him, well apart from when I am envisioning him naked that is. He is chewing his meal and looks to be enjoying it immensely which warms my heart. It’s the best compliment he could give me without even knowing it.

Wanting to return the favor I say, “Just like you and your music. As you witnessed earlier I am not so talented in the music and dance department but your voice, I know that comes effortlessly to you, its breathtaking.” Too much sharing Ava, I criticize myself. Jasper looks at me; those blue eyes clear as day giving me a look I can’t decipher.

I quickly stuff my mouth before I can embarrass myself further. I courageously look at him after a minute of silence and he looks taken aback, like he doesn’t believe me. His self-doubt saddens me so again with the over share I add, “You know that right? You have something special.”

O-kay, well that definitely didn’t make me sound like a stalker or even worse a groupie.

I need to shut my mouth as I am obviously embarrassing myself and by the look on Jasper’s face him as well. He puts down his fork gently and clears his throat. He rubs the back of his neck and I can’t help but melt at the sight of his biceps flexing. I need to cut this out, like now.

“Thank you. That means a lot because I know you actually mean it.” By the look on his face I know I have unintentionally touched on a personal topic.

He continues, “I’m not used to hearing I’m anything special. It’s just hard to take in when it’s been drummed into your head that you’ll be a failure forever.” I look into Jasper’s eyes and they suddenly seem reminiscent of a not so pleasant time for him. I wonder what’s happened for him to look so melancholy.

Trying to make up for my comment that has obviously bought up some painful memories for him, I say the most stupid thing and it’s out before I can stop myself.

“Well I think you’re special.” Oh my God now I definitely sound like a stalker! I shove a forkful of salad into my mouth until my cheeks are bursting with food, this is good. This will stop the verbal diarrhea.

I can’t even look at Jasper because I know the minute I do, I will die of embarrassment.

“Well I think you’re special too,” I hear him reply kindly after a moment of uncomfortable silence. Holy Crap, I swallow my food before I choke in shock.

On the outside I may look totally stunned but within, I am on cloud nine.

*****

Over the next few weeks Jasper and I do all the normal things friends usually do. Go for coffee, see movies, he even helps me find a job. It is waiting tables and occasionally helping out at the register, it is perfect. The place is called, “The Bean Bag,” cleverly named considering we stock every coffee bean known to mankind!

Most mornings while I was busily taking orders, a familiar pair of cerulean eyes would stroll into the shop. He loves coffee hence him being in my shop so often. I dare not assume he was there for any other reason.

He would quietly sit on a stool overlooking the busy street corner and write in his scruffy notebook. V is right, the brooding artist he is. But he looked most peaceful and in his comfort zone when writing.

One day while the shop is quiet after the morning rush, I take a quick break and sit next to Jasper. He doesn’t even realize I am there and I suddenly feel like I am intruding in on a private moment. I’m about to get up and leave him to his creativity, but his hand reaches out to stop my departure. I am stunned he knew I was there in the first place as he looked so deep in thought and lost in his writing. I look at his hand wrapped around my arm, and he lets go quickly.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says.

“You didn’t scare me. I didn’t want to interrupt an obvious artistic moment,” I joke. Jasper smirks. His hair is longer at the back from when I first met him, and it looks damp like he’s just gotten out of the shower. I take him in and admire his good looks. He really is breathtaking. He looks older than twenty four, like those blue eyes have seen enough grief over his short lifetime. We don’t talk about his past and whenever he asks about mine I am happy to share as long as it doesn’t involve Harper.

“So what were you writing?” I ask realizing I am staring at him openly.

He shrugs brushing his hand through his hair, he’s nervous, I wonder why.

“Nothing really.”

“That didn’t look like nothing. That looked like you were trying to find a cure for some obscure medical disease.”

Jasper rewards me with a cheeky smirk. “Well yes you caught me out, that’s exactly what it was.” I smile; he’s so playful and carefree. Being Jaspers’ friend has been nothing but easy, natural even. He makes me feel at ease and the hole in my chest closes over a fraction every day.

“How do you keep track of everything you write in there?” I question, looking at his ratty notebook.

Jasper taps his forehead. “It’s all in here. I only write stuff down to see what it looks like on paper. Thinking something and actually seeing something are two totally different things. What I think in my head may make perfect sense, but when I see it, it may make no sense at all.”

“Are you always this vague?” I laugh jokingly.

His voice is intense, almost coarse due to smoking too many cigarettes and screaming high notes.

“Ava, just because something may seem like a good idea, doesn’t mean it is when you act it out.”

I look at him nervously and feel like we’re not talking about his writing anymore.

Chapter 13:

Royal Flush

D
o I think going to the movies with Lucas, V and Jasper is a good idea, no. Do I have a choice, no. I have been told by V this most certainly is not a double date but somehow I think she is just humoring me.

I really don’t want to go see the new action movie everyone is raving about, but V said I have no choice. It’s Lucas’ turn to pick a movie for their date night and he has opted for the testosterone filled flick, much to V’s dismay. So I have to go with her to ‘save her from dying of boredom.’ It just happens Jasper is also coming. This is so wrong in so many ways, but I start with the obvious.

“I am not comfortable going out with you guys on ‘date night.’”

“Oh please I told you a gory bloodthirsty movie does not count as a date night. You are there to save me from dying of boredom. You know how much I hate those movies. Something with a hunky, dreamy eyed lead is more my scene, but I think Lucas would get a little offended if I sat there ignoring him while drooling into my popcorn over Mr. Dreamboat.”

“V you know you can’t die of boredom.” I chuckle at her lightly.

“There is a first for everything, especially with Lucas living out his Rambo dreams.” I laugh lightly as I feel uncomfortable addressing the next issue.

“I don’t feel comfortable going to the movies…just us four. It feels too double datey to me.”

“Ava, Jasper is Lucas’ best friend and you are my best friend. You and Jasper are friends so what’s wrong with us friends going out all together?” She knows perfectly well what the problem is.

Jasper has turned out to be an amazingly good friend. I didn’t think we would get along as well as we do. We have similar interests and he really listens to me when I talk incessantly. We never discuss Harper, correction Jasper tries to discuss Harper and I avoid it like the plague.

But the problem is I feel an unexplainable pull to Jasper and it scares me. I have caught him looking at me when he believes I am unaware of his glances. But the reason I have noticed these exchanges is because I am stealing looks his way also. I can’t help it. Not only is he the most attractive man I have ever seen, he makes me feel…something. Something other than being afraid, he gives me hope.

And that’s the problem, the problem that V knows perfectly well about. I swore to myself that when I returned I would focus on myself and not let anything or anyone stand in the way of my promise of getting my life back on track. Jasper is a big something and someone that would shatter my goals of independence.

V knows this just by being in the same room as us. I didn’t think anyone noticed our exchanges but I was wrong. So this is my reason for doubting us four going to the movies is a good idea. Me and Jasper alone together in a dark room, sitting shoulder to shoulder equals uncomfortable awkwardness that I can do without. I can’t handle whatever is happening between Jasper and I. The friendship I can deal with, the weird chemistry I cannot.

Every time I feel we have established an uncomplicated friendship; lust rears her sinful head confusing me.

Damn these hormones!

*****

Halfway through the movie, I think V would gladly volunteer to be involved in any of the flaming explosions playing out on screen to put her out of her misery. I stand corrected; I think my friend might actually be the first person to die of boredom.

I made sure the seating arrangements were boy boy girl girl. Me being the girl furthest away from Jasper. He looks exceptional tonight in black cargos, boots and a white v neck t-shirt. His hair is styled messily, slipping into his eyes ever so often. His eyes are so bright, the light reflecting off them as he is watching the movie. I convince myself it’s okay to stare as we are in a dark theater, and no one can see me. Wrong.

I am spying on Jasper over V and Lucas making out in between us. I think this is V’s solution to her boredom. As I am taking him in not so subtly, he turns to look at me. I am stunned. Eyes wide, like a deer caught in headlights. I should be looking away or dying of embarrassment but surprisingly I’m not and neither is he.

We are staring at one another and a small grin appears. His strong jaw line emphasizes that grin, a grin that should be illegal. He bites his bottom lip, his scar disappearing into that wicked mouth. I can’t turn away from him. This is exactly the weird chemistry that confuses me. Whenever I am around Jasper it’s like no one else exists. And here in the dark I can almost convince myself that no one does. That is until I see Lucas’ hand wander up V’s skirt. And there goes that fantasy. I turn away quickly, not quite comfortable seeing that much of my best friends skin on show.

I have no idea what the storyline of the movie is and even if I did, it still wouldn’t make it any more interesting. I sigh and decide being out in the bathroom for twenty minutes would be more exciting than being in here. And it looks like V and Lucas are headed towards making their own R rated movie. That is something I most definitely do not want to see.

I excuse myself past a few patrons and run to the sanctuary of the bathroom. What was that between Jasper and I? It was like he felt my eyes devouring him. The worst part is when he caught me out; I wasn’t embarrassed like I usually am. Nothing about Jasper and I makes sense.

My heartache always takes a back seat when I am with Jasper, which is something enormous for me. The pain I felt when I came back from Singapore, it was something I never thought I would recover from. But being Jasper White’s friend has changed that. I still feel that pain but it isn’t as tough for me to smile and laugh and be happy with Jasper as my friend. I feel almost guilty, like I should be mourning my break up but around Jasper I don’t.

I think I have exhausted my bathroom stay. If I stay in here any longer Jasper may think I am hiding or God forbid I have a nervous bladder. I walk regretfully back to the cinema but for some unknown reason turn around and see Jasper outside. He is leaning against a street sign having a cigarette. He’s blowing smoke rings and looks absolutely gorgeous. He has no idea I have spotted him so I decide to sneak up on him. I try as quietly as possible to creep towards him but it’s like we have some invisible connection and he turns around at the last second.

“Boo,” I say lamely. He smirks at me, his left dimple standing out. The street lights cast a shadow over his face, his skin looking milky white and smooth.

“What are you doing out here?” I ask before I drool all over myself.

He shrugs while puffing on his cigarette. “V and Lucas were getting a bit too hot and heavy, I felt like I paid my $12 to see them make out and that’s just weird, and the movie blows so I’d prefer to sit out here. What’s your excuse for running off?” If only he knew why I was hiding in the bathroom.

I am elated he saw me leave as he must have been watching me. Or he could have noticed I wasn’t there a minute before he left. This not knowing, and questioning myself is what I don’t like. It confuses me and I don’t want this uncertainty. That uncertainty is what I had when I was with Harper. Doubting myself and feeling insecure is why things with Jasper leave me on edge at times.

“Yeah they were getting a little heated. I think that was V’s answer to not being bored shitless.” Jasper laughs and it’s a nice sound because he doesn’t laugh often. He smiles but I can tell he guards himself from being too exposed. I can’t help but think Jasper has a tainted past. I can see it sometimes when he’s writing and deep in thought. That’s the only time I can really watch him, not in a heated way, but just really look at him and see there is more than meets the eye with him.

“Are you happy?” He asks unexpectedly. Wow, that just knocked the wind out of me. Right now, I am happy being here with him.

He must see my hesitation and corrects, “Sorry, I meant are you happier than you were before?” He leaves the question hanging, not clarifying what he means by before. But I know he means before Harper.

“Yes I am,” I say with conviction because I am.

He nods contemplating my response.

“Are you?” Maybe he will be in a sharing mood and tell me a bit about his past, although the timing is totally inappropriate.

“I don’t know. I have never really been perfectly happy. You know like over the moon, I fucking love life happy,” he answers honestly, staring off into the distance.

“No one is perfectly happy Jasper. We have to play with the cards we’re dealt with in life and try to turn them into a winning hand.”

He looks at me, reflecting on my words. “Most of the time I feel like I’ve been dealt a really bad hand, and I’m bluffing my way through life.”

“Then you have just to turn that hand into a royal flush.” I answer quickly without even thinking about my response. I am not one to preach but I am trying my best to turn my luck around.

“You astound me,” he replies full of emotion. His jaw is clenching and I wonder what he is thinking. His comment baffles me. I don’t know why I am so surprised. Jasper does this to me. I never know what he’s going to say next.

“Me? Why?” I ask, curious to know why.

“Because when I think I have you all figured out, you go and say something that throws me on my ass.” He looks over at me deeply as he takes a drag of his cigarette. All the way I work my lip anxiously as his intense gaze is setting me alight.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean for it to come out so preachy.” I answer a bit embarrassed for the over share. I avert my eyes; I seem to be doing that a lot lately.

“Don’t apologize, I like it. I like that you keep me guessing.” I look at him quickly, stunned by his admission. He half smiles while rolling a stone under his boot. He looks nervous, like he’s said too much and doesn’t know how I will respond to his confession.

“Well in that case I better make sure I don’t disappoint you and become predicable,” I reply cheekily, relieved I am able to make a joke.

The breeze blows Jaspers windswept fringe out of his eyes and he looks at me seriously. These looks between us are driving me insane. Under his scrutinizing gaze, I feel naked.

Jasper butts out his cigarette and does something that can most definitely not be considered predicable. He pulls me into his strong, warm arms and surprisingly hugs me with such care and longing. He smells so masculine, so refined and being this close to him I am saturated in his smell.

I am lost in his embrace and I melt into his firm arms that are holding me tightly. I rest my head against his chest and feel his heart is pounding as fast as mine. Being enfolded in his strong embrace, a little voice whispers how natural this feels.

Every nerve ending is tingling with anticipation and this just adds another uncertainty to where my feelings for Jasper lie.