I Want to Hold Your Hand (6 page)

“Mmm. I was dreaming.” Trembling, she rested her head against his chest, probably because it was handy.

Nolan wasn’t sure what he should do. Stay? Go? Offer comfort? Say nothing? After a few minutes of intense internal debate, he settled on the most innocuous of his many questions. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She didn’t say anything for a long while, but he noticed that she seemed to relax against him even as the trembling continued. “It wouldn’t be fair to talk to you about my dream.”

“Why not?”

“Because it was about Caleb.”

“You can talk to me about Caleb, Hannah. You know that.”

“I want to be fair to you. I know . . . I’ve known for some time now that you . . . You care about me.”

Because he couldn’t resist the need to touch her, he slid his hand up and down her arm, hoping to provide comfort more than anything else. “I do care about you, and I cared about Caleb.”

“He cared about you, too.”

“I miss him all the time.”

She blew out a deep breath that shuddered through her body. “I dreamed about him seeing Homer again. Caleb was waiting for him, and Homer ran to him the way he always did.”

“He jumped into Caleb’s arms?”

She nodded. “Just like old times. Homer was making the sounds he used to make when Caleb got home from deployments. We called it his joyful noise. They were so happy to see each other.”

As Nolan became aware of the warm seep of her tears though his shirt, she wiped her face. The huge lump that had settled in his throat made it difficult to speak, but he cleared his throat and made an effort for her. “I’m glad you got to see their reunion.”

“I am, too, except . . .”

“Except what?”

“I . . . for the first time, I didn’t feel like I belonged with them. I was on the outside looking in.”

“You don’t belong with them right now because you still have a lot left to do here.” Where those words had come from, Nolan couldn’t have said.

“You think so?”

“I know so. You’ve got so much life ahead of you, so many things you need to do before you join them.”

“I’m sorry to dump all my crap on you.”

“That’s not what you’re doing, Hannah.”

“Sure, it is, and you’re a very good sport to let me ruin our first date so spectacularly.”

“You call this ruin? I got to sleep with you in my arms. I call that perfection.”

“Nolan . . .”

“Too much? Sorry.” He said he was sorry, but he really wasn’t. He’d spoken the truth. “Do you want me to go?”

“No.”

“My truck is out front for the whole neighborhood to see. I don’t care who knows I’m here, but I’d hate for you to be the subject of gossip.”

“Why don’t you put it in the garage then?”

Thrilled that she wanted him to stay, he said, “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” She got up to see to the logistics of opening the garage door for him and met him in the mudroom when he came back in. They returned to the sitting room where he stoked up the fire before joining her on the sofa.

“Let’s lie down this time and do it right.” She produced a wool blanket that she tossed over them.

With her pressed against his chest, Nolan had a hell of a time hiding what her close proximity was doing to him.

“This is nice,” she said softly when they were settled.

“Very nice.” His voice sounded tight and strangled, and he wondered if she heard it, too.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m great.”

“You sound funny.”

He released a nervous laugh. Did she really have no idea how badly he wanted her? Not just physically, although that was the overriding need at the moment, but every other possible way, too.

“What’s so funny?”

“You are.”

“Why am I funny? I’m just lying here minding my own business.”

“Right. That’s all you’re doing.”

“What else am I doing?” she asked, sounding genuinely baffled.

“You’re filling my senses with the scent I’d know anywhere as yours. You’re tickling my face with your silky soft hair. Your breath on my neck is giving me goose bumps, among other things.”

Much to his dismay, she began to withdraw from his embrace.

“Wait, don’t go. I never said any of those things were bad.”

She stopped trying to get away, but she hung her head with dismay that broke his heart. “I’m being utterly unfair to you.”

“How do you figure?”

“I’m a hot mess tonight, and you’re just being nice to put up with me. I don’t have any right—”

He laid his finger over her lips. “Stop. You have every right to do or say anything you want when you’re with me. There’s nothing you could do that would be wrong. Not with me anyway.”

She rolled her bottom lip between her teeth in a move that made him even harder as she studied his face. “Nothing?”

“Not one thing.” His heart slowed to a crawl as he waited to see what she would do. When her eyes shifted subtly to his mouth, he stopped breathing altogether. Then she leaned forward and laid her lips on his, just that, nothing more, but it packed a more powerful punch than full-on sex with any other woman ever had.

“Help me, Nolan,” she said as new tears spilled from her eyes. “I don’t remember how to do this.”

With his hands on her face, he used his thumbs to brush away her tears. “You’re doing just fine. Way better than fine.” He guided her toward him, taking pains to move slowly when his inclination was to devour. Her lips gliding over his was the closest thing to heaven he’d ever known.

He kept his hands on her face, letting her know he wouldn’t ask for anything more than whatever she was willing to give.

Without breaking the kiss, she relaxed against him, her mouth opening over his in blatant invitation. It took every bit of willpower he could muster to wait for her to make the next move. The last thing he wanted was to scare her off by taking more than she had to give. Right when he was certain she’d gone as far as she was going to, he felt her tongue slide over his bottom lip. He couldn’t contain the groan that rumbled through him.

She pulled back and studied his face. “Was that okay?”

“Hannah . . . Christ, you have no idea what you do to me.” His heart was beating so hard he wondered if it might implode inside his chest.

“What do I do to you?”

“What
don’t
you do? You walk into the room, and I want you. You speak, and I want you. You cry and I want to cry, too, because you’re hurting. I can’t bear to see you cry.”

“I’m sorry. I just—”

He stopped whatever she was going to say by kissing her again. “Don’t ever apologize to me for the way you feel.”

She did that thing with her bottom lip and her teeth again, and he wanted to beg for mercy. “Why me, Nolan?”

“I don’t know,” he said with a small laugh. “I’ve asked myself that over and over again. I’ve felt so guilty . . . Caleb was my friend, you know? One of the best friends I ever had, and to be thinking the way I do about his wife . . .”

“What do you think about his wife?”

“So many things I’d never dare to share for fear of you running away from me screaming.”

She smiled at that, and the small movement of her lips lit up her entire face. “You underestimate me.”

“I’d never be so foolish as to do that.”

She focused on his mouth again. “I like kissing you.”

“That works out well, because I
love
kissing you.”

“Caleb wouldn’t want you to feel guilty for caring about me.”

“You don’t think so? I have these visions of him gutting me with that big hunting knife of his.”

“Stop it,” she said, laughing.

Nolan much preferred her laughter to the tears.

“He loved you.”

“He would’ve gutted me if I’d so much as looked at you.”

“Maybe . . . But you didn’t feel this way then.” She ventured a glance at his eyes. “Did you?”

Nolan shook his head. “Not until a couple of years after.”

“What changed?”

“I don’t know exactly. I remember it was during one of the Sultans weekends here, and you were running around taking care of us the way you always do, and I thought how amazing you were to still put up with us.”

“Those weekends make me feel connected to him, as odd as that might sound. It was comforting to do what we always did, even if it was difficult, too.”

“It’s always so strange to not see him in the middle of everything. When I think of him, and I do every day, I picture him as the sun and the rest of us his planets, circling around him and whatever adventure he’d dreamed up.”

“That’s a very apt—and very lovely—description.”

Nolan knew he needed to ask, but he hesitated just the same. “Is this . . . You and me . . . Is it too weird in light of what we both felt for him?”

She took a moment to consider his question, during which he had to struggle to get air to his lungs. What if it was too weird for her? What if it was too close to the past to enable the future?

“I think it might be weirder to be with someone who didn’t know Caleb. At least you understand. You were there. For all of it.”

Nolan nodded, knowing what she meant.

She propped her chin on her hands, which were flat against his chest. “So . . .”

“So.”

“We’re going to do this?”

“Define
this
.”

Hannah raised a brow. “Do I really have to?”

Nolan discovered he also adored her playful side. “Yep.”

“Date. And stuff . . .”

“And stuff? What stuff?”

Her face turned bright red, which was absolutely adorable. “
Nolan
.”

“
Hannah
.”

“Don’t make me say it.”

“Okay, I won’t.” As he gazed into her warm brown eyes, he knew he needed to ask her one more thing, the one thing that made his heart pound and his mouth go dry. “Are you ready for this, Hannah? Because if you’re not, that’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I think I might be ready.” She looked down before bringing her gaze back to meet his. “Mostly because it’s you who’s asking.”

Nolan closed his eyes against the rush of emotion her words invoked. Was this really happening or would he awake to discover he’d been dreaming, too? God, he hoped not because holding her was like having all his dreams come true at the same exact moment.

She licked her lips and focused again on his mouth. “Do you think it would be okay if we . . .”

“What, Hannah? Tell me what you want.”

“I want to kiss you again.”

Nolan released a shaky breath and framed her sweet face with his hands. “You don’t ever have to ask first.” Slowly, he eased her toward him, watching her intently. That’s how he saw her eyes flutter shut and her lips part in anticipation.

As their lips met, her hand curled around his neck, almost as if she wanted to keep him there as long as she could. Again he had to remind himself to go slowly to not scare her off by showing her the full extent of his desire before she was ready to know.

Then her lips parted and her tongue dabbed at his bottom lip, setting off a wildfire that burned through his system in a flash. The instant her tongue connected with his, he forgot all about going slow and taking his time. His fingers slid into the silk of her hair as he tilted his head to delve deeper into the sweetness of her mouth.

She shifted, trying to get closer, and ended up with her belly pressed against his erection. Blinded by desire, he gasped but didn’t break the kiss and decided to stop caring if she figured out how badly he wanted her. He drew her closer, wrapping his arm around her while keeping one hand anchored firmly in her hair.

She whimpered against his lips, and he was about to pull back, but she stopped him from moving with a firm grip on his hair. In the midst of the hottest kiss of his life, Nolan had the presence of mind to wonder if it was possible to expire on the spot from an overabundance of desire.

 • • • 

Hannah had forgotten how wonderful it was to be held and kissed by a sexy man who wanted her madly. And this was madness. There could be no other word for the way he made her feel. She’d gone from being tentative about kissing him to pressing against him shamelessly.

That thought had her pulling back, reining herself in even though that was the last thing she wanted to do.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, studying her with eyes full of warmth and affection.

“Nothing.”

“Something.”

Her face flushed with heat. “I feel like I’m throwing myself at you.”

His bark of laughter surprised her. “Please, by all means, throw yourself at me. Any time you’d like.”

“And you won’t think less of me if I do?”

“Hannah . . . Beautiful Hannah, I will never think you’re anything other than gorgeous and sweet and strong and courageous. So damned courageous you take my breath away.”

Hannah shook her head. “I’m nowhere near as courageous as you think I am.”

“Yes, you are, and there’s nothing you can do or say with me that would be wrong. I promise.”

“You’ll have to be patient with me. I’m very out of practice with all of this.”

He ran his hands up her back to squeeze her shoulders. “You don’t feel rusty to me at all.”

Hannah laughed at the way he waggled his brows. “You’re very smooth, you know that?”

“I’m not feeding you bullshit, Hannah. I mean every word.”

“I know.” She looked down at him, drinking in the sight of his kiss-swollen lips, the slash of color in his cheeks that hadn’t been there earlier, the fall of his hair over his brow and the heat in his eyes, all directed at her. “You’re going to be tired tomorrow.”

“It’ll be totally worth it.”

In between heated kisses, they talked for a long time that night—about everything and nothing. She had no recollection of falling asleep in his arms, but the sound of his heart beating under her ear woke her the next morning. Before she had time to process the fact that she’d spent the night in Nolan’s arms, her front door opened and her dad called out to her.

Hannah sat up abruptly, rousing Nolan from a sound sleep as she tried to do something with her unruly hair.

Her parents strolled into the sitting room and stopped short at the sight of her, Nolan and the blanket.