I Want to Hold Your Hand (7 page)

“Oh,” her mom said. “So sorry.” With her hand on Lincoln’s chest, Molly steered her husband out of the room.

CHAPTER 5

Caleb spent the summer with his grandparents in Missouri. He’s different this year. Maybe he’s FINALLY growing up! He’s a lot taller, and he’s got muscles all of a sudden. It’s so weird! I still don’t like him.

—From the diary of Hannah Abbott, age fifteen

“S
hit,” Nolan muttered, running fingers through his hair.

“At least we were dressed,” Hannah said with a small smile.

“There is that.”

“Feel free to sneak out. I’ll let them know it was on the up and up. Not that I feel the need to explain myself to them, but I will just the same.”

“I’m not sneaking out. We’ll face them together.”

That he was unwilling to take the easy way out of an embarrassing encounter with her parents made Hannah’s insides flutter.

“Shall we face the music?” he asked with a wry smile that drew one from her, too.

“If we must.”

Nolan’s hand on the small of her back eased her nerves as Hannah walked into her kitchen to find her mom bustling about making coffee and her dad pretending to be absorbed in the newspaper he’d already read at home.

“Sorry to barge in on you,” Molly said.

Was it Hannah’s imagination or was her fearless mom having trouble looking at her or Nolan? Her entire family had been coming and going without so much as a knock at her house since Caleb died. They’d never had to worry about walking in on something because nothing had ever happened. Until last night . . .

“We just wanted to check on you,” Lincoln added, seeming mortified by the entire thing. “After Homer and all . . .”

“It’s fine, Dad. We were talking and fell asleep. Nothing scandalous.”

“We . . . didn’t see your truck outside, Nolan, or we never would’ve come in,” Molly said, her face flushed with embarrassment that was so far out of character for her that Hannah could only stare.

“It’s in the garage.” Nolan’s voice was calm despite the awkwardness of the situation. “We didn’t want the whole town talking about us before we were ready to be talked about.”

The press of his fingers against her back reassured her, as did his steady presence next to her. She’d forgotten what it was like to be half of a couple. Not that she’d go so far as to call them an official couple, but having him stand by her side in front of her parents went a long way toward lowering her defenses where he was concerned.

“Makes a lot of sense,” Lincoln said gruffly, which brought back fond memories of how ridiculously overprotective he’d been when Hannah first began dating. He’d grilled all her dates as if they were planning to run away and marry her rather than take her to the movies. Only Caleb hadn’t been intimidated, but he’d known her dad for years by the time he started dating Lincoln’s daughter. “That coffee ready yet, Mol?”

“Coming right up.”

Nolan took advantage of their preoccupation with the coffee to press a light kiss to her temple. “I’ve got to get to work. I’ll call you later.”

Hannah smiled up at him and nodded.

“See you later, Mr. and Mrs. Abbott.”

“Bye, Nolan,” they said in unison.

Hannah walked him through the mudroom and held the door to the garage open for him as he stepped into the boots he’d left there the night before. “Sorry again about my folks.”

“They’re fine,” he said. “They’re doing what any decent parents would do the day after their daughter suffered a painful loss.”

Hannah experienced a pang of sadness at the thought of Homer. She was really and truly alone now. Well, except for her humongous family and loving friends, especially the one who was looking at her now with concern etched into his handsome face.

“You okay?”

“I will be. Your company helped a lot last night. I appreciate you staying.”

“It was a terrible hardship, but somehow I survived.”

Her smile stretched from ear to ear.

“That’s a beautiful thing,” he said softly, gazing down at her with unabashed affection. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and ran his finger over her cheek, making her nearly swoon from the sweetness of his gesture. Then he zeroed in on her lips, making her body heat from the memories of what had transpired between them during the night.

Hannah licked her lips, and his eyes burned with desire as he gazed at the slide of tongue over lips. “What’s a beautiful thing?”

“That smile. I’d do anything to see it every day.” He brushed a kiss so fleeting over her lips that Hannah barely had time to register that he was kissing her before it was over.

She wanted to plead for more, but this wasn’t the time or the place for more.

“I’ll see you soon.”

Hannah nodded and pressed the button to the garage door opener, closing it after he’d backed his truck into the driveway. Before she returned to face her parents, Hannah took a series of deep breaths, hoping her face wasn’t as red as it felt. She pressed cold hands to her face, but that did nothing to address the pounding of her heart or the dryness in her mouth.

When she walked back into the kitchen, her dad popped up from the table with comical speed. “I’ve got to get going to work.” He kissed his wife, who patted his arm as she smiled at him. “George and Ringo are probably tearing up the Rover waiting for me.” He kissed Hannah. “Let me know if I can do anything for you, honey. Anything at all.”

Hannah leaned into him, breathing in the familiar and comforting scent of the aftershave he’d worn all her life. “Thanks, Dad.” She had no doubt that he’d sell his soul to the devil to save her from one additional minute of pain in her lifetime, and she loved him for that. But she also knew he had no desire whatsoever to hear the details of her evening with Nolan.

Her mother on the other hand took a seat at the table with a steaming mug of coffee, settling in to talk it out.

Her dad left, and Hannah turned to face her mother.

Molly raised a brow in silent inquiry. “So.”

“So.” No one said Hannah had to make it easy on her.

“Not in the mood to chat?” Molly asked.

Hannah took her time pouring a much-needed cup of coffee. She moved deliberately to stir in cream and a bit of sugar. “Not particularly.”

“Hannah . . .”

“
Mom . . .”

Molly blew out a breath that gave away her exasperation. “You always were the toughest of my nuts to crack.”

“In a pack of ten, a girl’s gotta do what she can to stand out.”

“I have to say that in spite of your decision to torture your poor old mom, I’m glad to see you smiling this morning. We were worried that Homer’s death would be a setback for you.”

“I’m trying not to let that happen.” Hannah stared into her mug as the dream from the night before resurfaced with clarity that made her heart ache.

“What is it, honey?” Molly asked. “I hope you know I’m not looking to pry, but I want to help if I can.”

“I know you do.” Hannah debated for a full minute, trying to decide if she could really give voice to the torturous thoughts that had plagued her since she woke from the dream. “Last night,” she began haltingly, still staring at her mug, “I dreamed about Caleb for the first time in a long time.”

“Oh honey. That happened when Nolan was here?”

Hannah nodded. “He was great about it though.”

“I’m glad you weren’t alone.”

“In the dream . . . Homer was running to Caleb.” She finally glanced at her mother. “The way he used to.”

Molly’s eyes glistened as she smiled. “Leaping into his arms?”

“Yeah. They were so happy to see each other.”

“Of course they were.” Molly brushed at a tear as she forced a cheerful tone. “They were the very best of friends.”

“Caleb looked so good. He was smiling and laughing and holding out his arms to Homer. His hair was long, like in college, and he just seemed so . . . alive and so . . .”

Molly’s warm hand covered hers. “So what?”

“So beautiful,” Hannah said with a sigh. “He was so beautiful. He hated when I said that. He said it made him feel like a pussy.” Molly’s ringing laugh made Hannah smile. “Sorry, I know you hate that word.”

“Caleb loved a lot of words I hate.”

“That he did.” Her husband’s colorful vocabulary was one of the things she missed most about him, even if his language had mortified her at times. There was nothing he wouldn’t say, and the word
filter
wasn’t in his dictionary.

Molly continued to chuckle and dab at her eyes. “I can so hear him saying that.”

“He said it all the time because I told him frequently how beautiful he was.”

“He never had a doubt that you loved him with your whole heart and soul, Hannah. Not one single doubt.”

“I know. When I saw him in the dream, I wanted so badly to run to him, but I couldn’t. Even though I was asleep, I knew I could only look but not touch. And then when I woke up with Nolan . . .” Hannah swallowed hard because this was the part that had torn her up. “I realized that if faced with the choice, I’d always choose Caleb, which is so unfair to Nolan. How do I start something with him knowing I’d always choose Caleb over him?”

“You’ll never have to make that choice, honey. Life and fate and God or whatever you want to believe has already made it for you. Caleb was your past, and perhaps Nolan is your future, but you don’t have to choose one of them over the other. You’ll always love Caleb, and any man you end up with will have to understand that Caleb is as much a part of you as your lovely brown eyes or your art or your great big family.”

“What if, in the next life, they’re both standing there before me at the gates to heaven, and I go running to Caleb?”

“If you were to have thirty or forty years with Nolan, you might not run to Caleb. Did you consider that?”

It had never crossed her mind that she might one day come to love someone else more than she’d loved Caleb. How was that even possible? But if her mother was right, it was not only possible, it was probable that she might form a deeper bond over decades than the one she’d shared with Caleb in the twelve years they’d had together.

“What’re you thinking?”

“That I probably have no business starting something with Nolan when I’m still so screwed up over Caleb.”

“You’re not screwed up, Hannah. You’re the strongest, most courageous, resilient person I’ve ever known, and I couldn’t be more proud of the way you’ve conducted yourself in the years since we lost Caleb.”

Her mother’s forcefully spoken words brought tears to Hannah’s eyes.

“You’ve earned the right to be happy, and if Nolan makes you happy, spend time with him. Give yourself permission to start over.”

“I want to. I really do, especially because it’s him, and he loved Caleb so much. He gets it, you know?”

Molly nodded in agreement. “When he first took a shine to you, I couldn’t decide if his friendship with Caleb would be a pro or a con. I can see how it would help you to move forward with someone who lived through it and understands what you’ve lost.”

“Right. But . . . I often wonder if it would be easier and less risky to just be by myself.”

“It’d be both those things and awfully lonely, too.”

Hannah could attest to the loneliness. After years of contentment with her own company, she’d begun to chafe a bit lately at the boundaries she’d set for herself. As the long cold winter came to an end and spring began to bloom all around her, she wondered if it wasn’t also time to step outside the cocoon and start over again.

The night she’d spent with Nolan, the heated kisses they’d shared, the desire he could barely hide made her want to reach for the brass ring that’d been out of her reach for so long now.

“Why are your cheeks suddenly bright red?”

Damn her mother’s never-ending intuition. “No reason.”

“That doesn’t look like no reason to me. You know you want to tell someone . . . Why not me?”

Hannah laughed at her mother’s shameless campaign for info. “Fine! I kissed him. A lot. There! Are you happy?”

“Are you? That’s the more important question.”

“I’m . . . intrigued.”

“That’s not happy—yet. But it’s an excellent start.”

 • • • 

After a quick stop at home to shower and change, Nolan arrived at the garage where six cars had already been delivered by their owners. His eyes were gritty from the lack of sleep, and he was chugging his second coffee of the morning as he started with the easiest job—an oil change and filter on a Dodge SUV.

An hour into what should’ve been a half-hour job, Nolan snapped out of a daze to discover he was staring at the engine as he relived the amazing night with Hannah. Thinking about how it had felt to hold her and kiss her and sleep with her in his arms ran through his mind like a movie he never wanted to stop watching.

For so long, he’d thought about what it might be like to spend that kind of time with her, but the reality was much better than the fantasy. And if he continued to think about her, he’d still be here at ten o’clock tonight when he certainly had better things to do.