If I Break (19 page)

“It gets better. After his speech—during which, by the way he held eye contact with me the entire time—he walks right up to me, leans over, and whispers, ‘I’d prefer my house,’ and leaves me his number,” she finishes with a grin on her face.

“Wow,” I say, shocked. “That’s a great story.”

“Yeah, he’s such a snide son of a bitch. But he’s sweet when he wants to be,” she smiles. “Well, you know what I mean. Cal is a cocky bastard himself.”

I’ve never thought of him as cocky, more so confident. He doesn’t care what anyone says or thinks about him because he knows that they all either want to be him or sleep with him, depending on their preferences. He does what he wants, when he wants. It’s just routine.

“Enough about us. What about you. Kids, Career, Marriage?” she asks, lighting up another cigarette.

“With Cal?” I ask, confused.

“Well, yes or period?” she says, taking a drag.

“I well, we haven’t known each other that long.” I stutter a little over the answer. She’s really getting to the point, isn’t she?

“Well, are you the type of girl who dreams about getting married or wants to put it off as long as possible?”

“I see myself married with a family one day. I’d love to travel abroad then come back and do something that really makes a difference but I don’t know. Marriage at least is pretty far away,” I laugh.

“You never know,” she chuckles. I look at the sunset. “What I mean is that I was the same way. When I met Dex, I planned to just have fun with him and ended up falling in love. Two years later, he asked me to marry him, and no one says ‘no’ to Dexter Crest Field,” she laughs, putting her cigarette out. She then pulls out a pack of gum.

“For some reason, I don’t think Cal is the marrying type,” I laugh.

Helen smiles and walks to the ledge and sits on it. “Trust me, the worst thing you could do with Cal is assume ,” She turns her attention away from me to the sky. I wonder what she means but I don’t question her any further, I almost feel like I’d be going into territory Cal wouldn’t want me to. The sunset settling into the horizon is amazing.

“Would you like a piece?” she says, offering up the pack of winter fresh.

“Thanks,” I guess you have to keep gum when you smoke. I look up and see Helen staring at me. I look away quickly.

“Lauren, I’m going to share something with you,” My stomach drops at her sudden change of tone. “I don’t know how you feel about Cal. From what I can tell, you really like him. From what Dexter tells me, he really cares about you. I’ve known Cal for so long, he’s like a brother to me. I’m going to tell you this, something I wish someone had told me so I didn’t have to learn it the hard way. Dexter is a very complicated person and so is Cal.

“There’s going to be times where you won’t know what his problem is, but for there to be any hope for you two to have a meaningful relationship, you need to have full acceptance of this. You’re going to have to accept him for who he is—all of him—even the part that you may never know …” She breaks her serious expression and the whimsical grin from earlier returns to it.

“Who knows, maybe Cal isn’t like Dexter. Maybe he’ll be a lot more open with you than Dex is with me. It doesn’t bother me at all. Frankly the less I know the better, but some people can’t handle that,” Her glare is intense and is making me uncomfortable. I all of a sudden feel as if I’m on trial. I clear my throat. “It is getting chilly out here; I’m going to go inside,” she stands up.

“I think I’m going to stay out here little while longer,” I tell her.

“Okay, I’m going to be downstairs; Luc should have arrived by now. I’m going to see how he’s doing. The kitchen is on the first floor, far left. You’ll see it as soon as you get there,” she explains. I nod.

“Well that’s where I’ll be. If you want a jacket we have some in the closet in the room we went through to get here; just grab one.”

“I’m fine. It is beautiful out here. I want to soak it all in, if you don’t mind,” I smile.

She smiles back. “I understand completely. Come down when you get ready, or wander wherever you want to go in the house. Make yourself at home—just don’t get lost,” she laughs before leaving.

***

The sun has fully set, the sky is black with the stars and candles lighting my space. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting out here. I’ve been trying to analyze and justify the words Helen so kindly shared with me.

I try to make light of the heavy words hidden behind her whimsical, sarcastic demeanor as she spoke.

They scare me and I don’t know why. I’ve been with Cal for five months and my feelings have grown stronger every day I’m with him but I haven’t thought about marriage. Sure, I’ve fantasized about it but not taken it seriously. I know I can’t see myself married to a man who has a world full of secrets. I’m just being silly; there’s no way that I’d marry Cal and feel like I didn’t know him. That just wouldn’t happen. Besides, Dexter and Cal are two different people, even if what she said is true. Or maybe she’s looking for something that isn’t there or trying to scare me off. I’m snapped out of my thoughts when I feel a warm hand slip up the back of my shirt. I turn to see Cal smiling at me. He sits beside me and pulls me onto his lap.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, searching my eyes.

“Nothing. Why?” I smile. His body heat surrounds me, and I realize how cold I am.

“Well, I come out here expecting some kind of welcome, and you sit here in a daze. You didn’t even realize I was here. I'm a little insulted,” he smirks.

“Just day dreaming,” I smile, resting my head on his shoulder.

“Liar,” he laughs, but drops the subject. “How long have you been out here?” he asks, wrapping his jacket over my shoulders.

I smile thankfully. “About a half an hour.” Well, more like an hour and a half.

“How’d you like Helen?” he asks curiously.

“She’s nice,” I say before kissing him softly on the lips.

“Nice. Helen isn’t nice, she intimidates, manipulates, and frustrates. And that’s when she likes you,” he laughs amused.

I roll my eyes playfully. “Then why did you leave me with her?”

“I knew you could handle it.” He glides his lips across my neck, and then brushes them across my lips. “So what’d she say about me?” he mumbles. He’s such a tease sometimes.

“Other than you’re a ruthless playboy who breaks hundreds of girls’ hearts? Nothing much,” I kid before giving in to his teasing and entangling his lips with mine. I pull away to catch my breath and look into his eyes.

“What?” he asks curiously. Maybe Helen was just manipulating me, like he said earlier. Maybe she’s wrong; she has to be.

“Nothing,” I smile.

May 11th 2011

I wonder if it’s too late to turn things around, if I’ve accepted the way things are for too long? Is it too late for him to break the hard mold he’s created around himself? He says he wants me to accept him for who he is, but how can I do that when I’d be settling for a person I can never fully know? Accepting him this way would turn me into a doormat? I-I can’t, can I? I take a deep breath and finish placing the last item into my suitcase and grab my keys off the dresser. I glance in the mirror, assessing my appearance. My face is tired; even after showering and applying a bit of makeup, my eyes are still puffy from crying all night. I don’t want to give up on him—on us—but he has to see that I’m serious. Yes, I told him to go, and I wanted him to at that moment; but the root of the problem is that he’s so far away from me. Now he is both literally and figuratively.

I slip on the pair of Chuck Taylors that are older than my marriage, but are more comfortable than the five-inch heeled boots I wore here and more fitted for the wide legged jeans and t-shirt I’m wearing.

I grab my bag and the handle on my suit case and drag it downstairs and into the kitchen where Raven is sitting down with a cup of tea in hand. She smiles as I enter, her eyes drift to the bag on my shoulder.

“Let me get you some tea,” she says quickly. I start to protest, but realize it’s easier to just accept it. “I thought you’d sleep later,” she says, pouring me a cup. I sit my bag down on the floor and take a seat across from her.

“No. I wanted to get an early start,” I tell her, taking the cup as she offers it.

“On what?” she asks before taking a seat next to me.

“I’m leaving.”

“You’re going back home?”

“No,” I say after taking a sip of tea. “I’m going to stay with a friend in Chicago for a while—until I decide what I’m going to do,” I tell her.

“Lauren, I wish you’d stay here, I don’t...”

“I need to get away. Not away from you. I just need a change of scenery,” I interrupt. I see she doesn’t approve, but she doesn’t protest either.

“Are you going to be driving?”

“No. I’m leaving the car here. There won’t be anywhere to park. I called a cab to take me to the bus station, and I’ll take that the rest of the way.”

“I’ll drive you,” she offers.

“No, it wouldn’t make sense for you to drive me all the way to Chicago, then drive all the way back right after.”

“It’s fine. I don’t have much to do today anyway,” she says, pouring me some more tea, though my cup is far from empty.

“No, Raven it’s not necessary and the ride there will give me some time to clear my head,” I tell her, desperately not wanting to argue with her.

“Well, at least let me drop you off at the station,” she says in a pleading tone.

I sigh, feeling a small smile spread across my face. I give in. “Okay.”

“So, who is this friend you’re going to be staying with?” she asks curiously.

“Someone I used to work with while in college,” I say, running my finger around the rim of the cup.

“This is a woman, right?” she asks nervously.

My eyes widen in surprise. “Of course,” I say quickly.

“I was just asking,” she smiles, relieved. I can’t help but giggle. If Cal found out I was staying with a man, I can’t even imagine what he’d do. He’s never been the jealous type. He never needed to be. I’ve only had eyes for him since we’ve been together. No other guy could stand a chance, and he knew that. But if he even thought it, I’d hate to see what he’d do. I’ve only seen his temper once in my life and it was like a lion was let out of the cage. He was furious; I’d never want to make him like that.

“How long are you going to stay with this friend?” she asks, taking the cup from me that I’ve only taken a sip from.

“I don’t know. I just– I need to get away from everything I’ve gotten used to,” I sigh.

Raven continues to busy herself about the kitchen, then turns to face me with her hands on her hips.

“Well, I’d really like for you to stay here and let me help you with whatever it is you’re dealing with. But whatever you feel you need to do, know I support you one hundred percent.”

I can’t help but smile. Sometimes Raven just surprises me. She does the exact opposite of what I think she’s going to do. I get up from my seat and hug her tightly, recognizing the scent of her perfume from when I was younger.

“Thank you,” I tell her quietly, taking a cleansing breath.

“Everything will be fine, sweetie,” she says, rubbing my back.

“I hope so. I-I don’t want lose my marriage. It’s just starting to be so much. I think taking a step back away from all of the issues we’re dealing with would be good for both of us.”

“This is just a rocky time. Every marriage has them,” she tells me, hugging me a little tighter. She stands back and lifts my chin up. “It’s the strong ones that make it through them,” she tells me with a stern smile. I nod, wiping the tears building from my eyes.

“In fact, this will be good for you, some time to find yourself. Sometimes you forget about yourself when you’ve been with another person so long.” She smiles, putting in place a stray hair. I pictured this conversation going differently. I thought she’d tell me to stop being so sensitive and stick by my husband.

“What?” she asks with a smile.

“It’s just, I– I thought you would take Cal’s side on this,” I tell her.

“Lauren, I don’t really know what’s going on between you two to take anyone’s side. But you’re my niece and I love you. I care about Cal very much, but if he’s making you feel like this, I can’t stick up for him. You come first. In the end, I’m going to support you, right or wrong. But I don’t see you being wrong on this.”

I hug her again.

***

“Lauren, we’re here,” Raven says, nudging me gently. I open my eyes and see that we’re parked in front of the bus station. I stretch lightly. I feel like I’ve been asleep for hours, and could still sleep several more days.

“Honey, are you okay?” she asks, eyeing me with a worried expression.

“Yeah, just tired,” I tell her, gathering my bag off the floor and setting it on my lap.

“I was talking, and before I knew it, you drifted off to sleep. I hope I wasn’t that boring.” She smiles, and I return it.

“Not at all; I just didn’t get much sleep last night,” I assure her.

Her expression shows she’s not convinced. “You’re sure you don’t want me to drive you? It’ll be no trouble,” she tells me again.

“I’m going to be fine. I’ll feel better knowing that you won’t be driving back from Chicago alone,” I tell her as I get out of the car. I walk around to her side, and she steps out.

“I guess there’s no convincing you otherwise,” she relents. I laugh at her persistence, and she sighs. “Well, honey, be safe,” she says, pulling me into a long hug.

“I will, “I promise her.

“I’d feel a lot better if you gave me this
friend’s
number,” she frowns. I shake my head no. I would, but Raven would just call a thousand times to make sure I was okay, not to mention the fact that I don’t want Cal to know where I am right now. And as many times as Raven says she wouldn’t give it to him or tell him where I am, I know how convincing Cal can be. He is a master in the art of persuasion, and anyone not immune to it gives into him within minutes.

“Do you want me to wait with you until the bus gets here?”

“No, thank you, I’m fine; it should be here soon...See? There it is.” I point to the bus pulling into the loading area.