If You Still Want Me (15 page)

I glance down at our hands, not used to the
feeling and not quite sure what emotion it causes. I know I'm happy
he's holding my hand, but there's fear in there, too. Apprehension.
Uncertainty?

A door closes behind us and two little boys run
past, one barely a toddler but doing his best to keep up with the
older one. They grin as they pass me and Saul, paying no mind to
our hands, but suddenly that's all I can think about. I feel my
fingers betray our love and loosen their grip.

"Jacob! No runnin', I said!" A
woman's voice calls after the boys in a hushed yell before she
walks past in a rush. "Sorry," she blushes at as then dashes to
grab the toddler as he tries to pull fake flowers out of a
decorative vase. "Jamie, no! Oh, baby, please don't cry, but you
can't keep the flowers. Jacob, come here and help with the bags,
please.
"

"
Yes, ma'am," the older
boy sighs but complies.

Saul's choking back a chuckle. "Cute kids," he
whispers to me.

I nod with a grin, but it dies as the father
walks past, his eyes darting to our joined hands. His upper lip
raises just a smidgen, but it's enough for me to know he don't
approve. It lasts only a second, but the real offense comes when he
quickly gets between us and his boys, making sure to block their
view, as if our holding hands is going to magically turn one of his
boys gay.

Saul's grip tightens, then
he's tugging me down the hall, swinging our joined hands between
us. This is something I'm gonna have to get used to - Saul's
carefree, 'suck it' attitude when it comes to public displays of
affection, even between two men. It's not that I'm ashamed to be
gay or to hold Saul's hand, but I
am
afraid. I'm afraid, because I've seen the consequences first
hand when you kiss a man in front of the wrong person.

We leave the family behind and checkout. Saul
doesn't let go of my hand until we're getting into Victoria's SUV.
Once where on the road, he takes my hand back and kisses the
knuckles.

"That dad was just an ass," Saul comments before
giving me my hand back to drive.

"No, just ignorant," I counter. People are
people, ignorant or not, and you can't hate them for hating
you.

Saul goes quiet for a moment, then sighs. "It
bother you? Holdin' my hand in public, I mean, because-"

"No," I start then exhale a
tight breath. "A little, but it's got nothing to do with you. I'm
not ashamed of you, or of
us
, I'm
just..."

"Afraid?"

The word makes me stiffen, but I'm glad I'm that
obvious. "Yeah, man. I'm afraid. World's changing everyday,
but-"

"Your dad was an ass, too," he says, eyes
staring straight forward. "You told me he beat the shit outta you,
but I just assumed it was 'cause he was a fucked-up piece 'a shit
like mine. Guess he found out you were gay?"

"Yeah, by walking in on me kissing Rodrigo
Gutierrez. I was sixteen. He called me a cocksucker, knocked a
tooth out then damn near killed Rod. Put the boy in the hospital
for a week."

"Jesus. That when yer mom took you an' Annabelle
ta' Nana's?"

"Yeah. Papi," I cringe at that
word, remembering his gray eyes that were so much like mine. "He
left for Mexico to avoid charges and never came back. Rod's parents
didn't press charges anyway. They took him out of the hospital then
stuck him in a program to
cure
him
of the Devil that made him kiss me. They found him hung by his own
belt two months in."

"Shit, I'm sorry ta' hear that. Guess that's
when you started gettin' into trouble," Saul nods to himself. "All
startin' ta' make more sense now that I know yer gay."

I find his hand again on the
middle console. "I'm sorry for keeping it from you for so long.
After what happened with Rod, I even tried to deny I
was
gay. Then I met Brandon that night,
and everything changed. Prison was hard, but it was good,
too."

Saul kisses the back of my hand with a smile.
"Brandon said he was glad he got beat up that night, on account 'a
being able ta' met you."

"Brandon is one of the best things to ever
happen to me," I answer honestly, feeling the truth of that answer
deep in my gut. "He saw to it I got into the best prison with
programs for turn-arounds, and somehow made sure I wasn't messed
with while I was there."

I bring his hand across so I can kiss it. "Then
another amazing thing happened. Brandon offered me a job and a
place to stay, and with all that, I got to meet you. I know, for as
long as I live, I'll never be able to repay back all I owe to that
man."

"You an' me both, amigo," Saul's fingers squeeze
mine. "And I get why you didn't tell me right off. It hurt, at
first, 'cause yer my best friend, but I get it now. I'm just happy
you and me finally figured ourselves out."

"Me, too. And, I'll try my damnedest not to let
my fear hold us back anymore. I promise."

Hot damn, I aint felt this good in months. The
past week's been hell, but things are finally lookin' up for my
sorry ass. I thought my world was endin' two nights ago in
Brandon's barn. I'd done lost my sister's respect while fallin' off
a wagon I'd worked so damn hard to get on in the first place. I'd
beat up one friend while tellin' another to ride a train ta' Hell,
then I'd screwed things up so bad with my best friend, I'd thought
for sure I'd lost him, too.

Then Vickie called me back, and that nearly had
me reachin' for a rope. Luckily, I have too much respect for
Brandon to go hangin' myself in his barn, especially on account 'a
his twin brother dyin' in a barn fire. Just wouldn't be right, not
that killin' yerself is exactly kosher.

Now, even with me and Vickie being wrapped up in
uncertainty, I got more than enough ta' live for sitting right next
to me. I reach over and grab Austin's hand again, a fool's grin
spread across my face. Yes, sir, I aint been this happy in a
while.

Still gotta sort things out with Vickie - gotta
figure out how ta' make this work, and I gotta apologize for being
so stupid. I'm nervous about it, no doubt 'bout that, but I believe
Austin when he says it'll work out. I gotta hold onto that idea,
that hope, and try to be a man who's worthy 'a being loved by two
incredible people.

Austin hands me the bag as we pull outta the
McDonald's drive-thru line, and I reach in for his McGriddle first.
Tearing it in half, I hand one half over in a napkin then wrap the
other half back up so he can eat it in an hour. He'd eat the whole
thing right now if I let him, but it, plus the orange juice sittin'
in the cup-holder, would have his sugar even more jacked than it
already is this mornin'.

Stubborn man made damn sure I ate last night
only ta' completely ignore himself.

As I stick the other half back in the bag, it
dawns on me how we don't even gotta talk about it - things like his
sugar regulation. It's become part 'a our routine and relationship,
like the way an old married couple can finish each other's
sentences. That thought makes me blush into my hash brown as I
glance his way.

"What're you giggling for?" he asks, my own grin
sparkin' his.

"Numphim," I reply with my mouth full, earning
me a pinch to the knee. "Ow! Sumbitch! You pinch like a damn
crawdad."

"Swallow, then talk."

"Yes, sir," I bat my eyelashes.

"Keep that up and I'll be forced to pull
over."

That has me blushin' again. Damn, this is so
awesome! "I aint never done it on the side 'a the road before."

"Maybe we can convince Victoria after we finish
kidnapping her. Wouldn't be right, us having fun in her SUV without
her."

My head's immediately filled
with all kinds 'a visuals that have me quiverin' in my seat. It
also brings up somethin' I've been wanting ta' talk to him about.
"You really alright with the idea 'a us three havin' sex together?
You know, at the same time?"

He goes quiet for a minute as he finishes a bite
then sips his orange juice. I catch myself staring at his Adam’s
apple as it bobs with each swallow.

"I am," he answers, drawin' my attention to his
lips. "I expect it'll be a bit awkward at first, but I think it
could be pretty damn hot, too."

My gaze darts up to his eyes as his lips smirk.
The sexually charged attraction between us has me about ready ta'
beg him ta pull over and jump into the back seat. "You think so?
Even though Vickie's a girl?"

"She's beautiful," he shrugs.
"A woman's body doesn't turn me on the same way a man's-" he pauses
to laugh as I grumble. "The same way
your
body does," he corrects, "but I can appreciate
Victoria's sexuality. Plus, you'll be right there, between us, and
watching Victoria make you squirm is something I'm looking forward
to."

The last bite of hash brown chokes my throat and
has me reachin' for my chocolate milk. After clearing the block, I
try not ta' overheat. It's kinda a serious conversation we need ta'
have, and I'm tryin' ta' be grown-up about it.

"It probably will be a touch awkward the first
time," I agree, having seen my fair share of those moments between
threesomes, and more, at the club. "If it ever becomes
uncomfortable, you gotta promise you'll say somethin' ta' me or
Vickie."

He nods. "I promise. Same goes for you."

"I know. Also, it don't always gotta be three.
It can be two, an' I know sometimes that can spur jealousy,
but-"

"I'm not jealous of what you
and Victoria have, Saul. I
was
envious of it, because I wanted you and I didn't think I
could ever be part of that. I promise to respect your relationship
with her."

"But-"

"But, if it ever does become a problem, I
promise I'll talk to you first before running."

I exhale, finally hearing the words I was
lookin' for. "Okay. Thanks."

He reaches over, grabbing my hand and lacing our
fingers together. It puts me right at ease again, and when he
glances over, I can feel the truth of his words. "I love you, Saul,
and I promise that no matter what, I'll always be your friend."

"
Best
friend," I correct with a bratty grin.

"Best friend," he amends with a chuckle.

"Good. 'Cause, I love you, too."

We go quiet again as the road
passes beneath us, mile markers going uncounted and my hand
reluctantly letting his go. Green highway signs blur by my vision,
a softly playing country song fillin' in the gap between us. Times
like these, when me an' him don't gotta say nothin' at all an' are
happy to
just be
next to each
other, have always been some 'a my favorite moments these past two
years.

My soul feels right. Peaceful. I get the notion
that everything is gonna be okay.

There's only one other person
in the whole world who gives me that same feeling, but as we pull
up to her father's house to see her in the arms of another man, I
think the only thing I'm feelin' is
broken
.

"
Mierda
," Austin curses as he
puts the SUV in park. "Saul, don't-"

But I do it anyway. I fly outta that SUV so
fast, I don't even feel my feet touchin' the ground. Austin's
fingers graze my arm, but they can't hold onto me. I don't think I
can hold onto me right now, either.

Vickie's eyes go wide, then
squint, like she can't believe what she's seein'. I don't rightly
believe what I'm seein', either. We tried callin' her from the
road, but I guess now I know why she didn't pick up. She was too
busy bein'
felt
up by Mr. Tall,
Dark and Handsome.

I'm 'bout to give Mr. Tall a black eye ta' go
with his clean-cut dress shirt an' slacks ensemble. "Fuckin'
son-of-a-bitch."

"Saul?" she gasps as it all becomes reality then
steps between me an' the man I'm 'bout ta' kill. "Saul, stop!"

I side step her, arm cocked
back and aimed at the man whose own eyes have gone wide in
confusion, then a force pulls me backwards. With a deep inhale, I
recognize Austin's aftershave. The scent shudders through me, and
the anger turns into a sob as my heart is wrenched from my
chest.

"Why?!" It's all I wanna know.

"Calm down," Austin whispers into my ear as he
holds me an' forces me to take a few steps away from the porch
steps.

The screen door slams open an' Joey's racin'
past Vickie ta help Austin hold me back, not that I got much fight
left in me. I can barely make out Joey's face through my tears, but
I cling to him all the same as Austin continues to hold me from
behind. Joey's tryin' ta' tell me somethin', but my whole world
done gone upside down.

"
Why?"
is all I can manage.

"What in God's creation is going on out here?"
Elijah asks as he joins the party on the porch.

Ah, shit.
Now Vickie's
dad can see what a sorry mess I am. Great. Fuckin' figures. He's
prob'ly happy his girl done found her a better man.

"Saul?" he asks, soundin' as confused as I am
right now. "What're you doin' here, son?"

Snifflin' hard back on the tears, I try an'
stand on my own two feet. "I came ta' get yer daughter back, but I
see that aint happenin'. Sir," I finish, my eyes to the ground.

"Get her
back
?"

"Daddy, I can explain," Vickie's voice is
closer, but I can't raise my eyes to look at her.

"No need," I mutter. All the fights been wrung
outta me. She's better off with Mr. Tall, anyhow. Any fool can see
that. Even me. "Sorry for the commotion, Reverend Harris, sir."