Illusion (24 page)

             
"Stop it," I yell at him. Everything around me starts to blur. My body sways and I have to blink a few times to adjust my vision. Harvey changes from himself into Kirt, blurs to the Harvey I met today, then like magic, fades back to himself. "No," I tell him, "it can't be true. It's not true, it's not!"

             
I grab onto the counter before I fall, and close my eyes. "Keep them open," he tells me. His voice full of panic and concern. "Get help, Zoey, hurry. Use the phone. Someone needs to save you. Save yourself. Do something!"

             
I force my eyes open but I don't seem him anymore. "Harvey?" I yell out.

             
I hear his voice even though I can't see him. "You were given this life because you're strong enough to live it, Zoey. Live your life. Get help."

             
"No," I yell out. "Harvey!"

             
I hear a scream but it isn't Harvey. I try my best to focus my eyes. Emi is standing in front of me, except it looks like three Emi's. She is crying and grabbing at me, saying something over and over but I can't hear what she is saying.

             
"Harvey, come back to me. It isn't true." I look around but he is gone. Nowhere. Nothing.

             
I fall to the ground and can hear Emi screaming something. She grabs me again and gives me a shake. I can just barely hear her voice, it sounds like she is talking through a tunnel. "Zoey, don't leave me, please."

             
"Everyone leaves," I tell her.

             
"I told you not to join me." He is angry with me.

             
Beep
.

             
"But don't you see, Kirt, we're finally together."

             
Beep
.

             
"No, we're not. I told you we can't ever be together again."

             
Beep
.

             
"Don't do this to me. I'm here, for you. We're going to be together, forever."

             
Beep
.

             
"No," he shakes his head. "No. Leave." He crosses his arms, not giving me any comfort.

             
Beep
.

             
"Stop that." I cover my ears and squint at him. He is fading. How?

             
Beep
.

             
Wait, how am I hearing that annoying noise if I'm covering my ears? And where did Kirt go?

             
Beep
.

             
"Come back, Kirt. I'm sick of everyone leaving me! Come back!"

             
Beep
.

             
"STOP!" I yell. Kirt has disappeared completely. Wait, no, he can't leave me, not yet.
             
Beep
.

             
"WHY?!" The beeping continues and it's so frustrating. I can't even concentrate on Kirt being gone, all I can hear is that stupid sound.

             
Beep
.

             
I start swatting at everything around me, hoping to somehow find the source of that annoying noise.

             
Beep
.

             
"Shhh, it's okay."

             
That isn't Kirt's voice. It's not a guy’s voice at all.

             
Beep
.

             
I continue swatting until someone grabs my hands, but I don't see anyone.

             
"Get a doctor," I hear someone yell.

             
Beep
.

             
"Zoey, wake up. Come to me, come on baby, come on. Wake up. It's me, Zoey, it's Emi. Wake up.

             
Beep
.

             
My eyes open and a blurry version of Emi is standing over me. I blink a few times then reach up and rub my eyes. When I remove my hands, Emi is a little clearer. She is crying and her face is pale. Her hair is unruly and there is gray under her eyes. They're bloodshot and she is shaking. She looks like death.

             
I reach up and touch her face. It's warm, silky, and wet under my touch. I try to speak but nothing comes out.

             
"Shh, it's okay," she says. Her hand touches my cheek and I push my face into it.

             
Beep.

             
I turn my face at the sound and see a monitor next to me. Damn that monitor, I'm going to kill it. It beeps again, then with a pause, again, then with another pause, again. I don't like it, not one bit.

             
"Ca... can... the..."

             
Zoey shakes her head. "Don't try to speak yet. They had to pump your stomach and there were tubes down your throat. Don't talk yet. You need some liquid in there."

             
I point to the machine that reminds me that my heart is beating as it beeps continuously. She seems to understand what I'm asking and she nods. "I'll ask the nurse when she comes back in to turn it down."

             
I try to smile but it hurts. My lips are chapped and everything inside my mouth is sore. I feel weak and faint and surprisingly exhausted.

             
A lady walks in with pink and purple scrubs, her hair pulled into a bun, and perfectly curled bangs. She looks way too happy right now, and I'm surprised any nurse can actually be that happy with their life. Don't they see dying people like all day long? And they clean up poop, and throw up, and have to poke people with needles, and are continuously yelled at. She is ridiculous for the fact she can smile that large with the job she has.

             
"Why hello there, Zoey, nice to finally meet you."

             
I just nod my head, not knowing what else I can do. She presses a button on my bed, which has me sitting up. She hands me a white cup with a straw sticking out the top of it. "Here is some water, it's going to hurt going down your throat at first, so take slow sips, but eventually it'll feel smooth, and you'll be able to attempt in talking."

             
I take the cup and the lady is right, it hurts really bad to swallow. I take several small sips then just hold the cup. I'll wait a bit to take more sips.

             
She walks over to a dry erase board and scribbles something on it, then looks at her watch. "I'm Vanessa, your nurse for about fifteen more minutes, then Betty will be in. She is a sweet lady, you'll enjoy her I believe. Has your sister here explained anything to you?"

             
I look to Emi, who wipes at her eyes. She speaks for me. "I told her about getting her stomach pumped, but I haven't gone into any more details."

             
The nurse comes over and checks my vitals. "Oh, and she seems annoyed by that machine right there." Emi points to the heart monitor.

             
The nurse smiles and walks over, pressing a button that causes the noise to lower but not disappear, then she writes a few things down on a paper near it. "What is your over-all pain rate right now, one being almost none existent, ten being the worse pain you've ever experienced? You can use your fingers to tell me."

             
I hold up seven fingers. That sounds about right.

             
"Where is the worst pain currently? If you can decide."

             
I point to my throat then my head.

             
She adjusts something below the IV bag, then she checks my heart rate using her fingers and watch. "Okay, your vitals all seem great. You'll probably experience a lot of fatigue in the next few days. Don't be surprised if you fall in and out of a slumber. It's very common with the stress your body has been under, not to mention the pain medication. Technically we shouldn't be giving you any of this," she gives me a stern look and raised brow, while pointing to the IV bag, "but your sister promises me you don't have an issue with abusing medication."

             
I shake my head back and forth, telling her, no I honestly don't. Even if this is my second failed attempt at killing myself. For a second time, Emi swooped in and saved me. This time, I haven't decided if I'm grateful or not, but the look on her face makes me wish I was dead. It's a horrible expression and pains me greatly, even with the fluids numbing my insides.

             
The nurse continues to explain a few things. Things they did, things they're going to need to do, things to expect. The fact I've been in and out of it for three days now. This being the first time I've actually been coherent to what is going on around me, and the longest I've been awake and aware.

             
Once she is done, she says bye to us both, and reminds me to drink more water. I try, and try some more, but it hurts so much. It's like a small rock inside my throat, scrapping the throat walls each time I attempt to swallow. I don't see how it's going to get easier any time soon.

             
Emi holds my hand and looks me in the eye. I can see she wants to tell me something but she doesn't, she just stares at me. It's as if she thinks blinking will cause me to disappear. I hate that I've done this to her. I should have gone somewhere to end my life, not have done it where she'd find me. I didn't think that much through, just that I couldn't handle the pain anymore.

             
I squeeze her hand, more in comfort, but also to let her know to go ahead and tell me what she wants to say. With a heavy breath she finally speaks in a soft voice. "Momma and Poppa are staying at a hotel nearby, I need to call them and tell them you're awake."

             
I shake my head back and forth, pleading with her not to.

             
"I have to, they're going to want to see you." A tear slips from her eye and she quickly wipes it. "They only left about two hours ago, they were exhausted. They haven't slept a wink since they arrived two days ago." I close my eyes, not able to see that kind of pain on her face.

             
"Brice came by yesterday with those." I open my eyes to see her pointing. I look, and there is a bouquet of pink lilies on the table in a gorgeous vase. Ironically enough I think, wow, I finally got a vase. Then I think about how beautiful they are, then about how sweet and romantic that is. Then I think about the fact he left me too.

             
I look back at Emi and she is smiling softly at me, while her thumb runs over my hand. "He was here for about an hour. I left him in here with you alone, it's the only time I've left you, but I knew he had things to tell you he didn't want me to hear. I know you don't want to hear it right now, but you've hurt a lot of people Zoey. Meghan and Ryan have stopped by a few times, I've been on and off the phone with Colt and Peggy-Sue. Tabby even has called and texted me a few times. There are way too many people that love you. Don't ever do that again, ever. If you even think about it, let me know now, so I can say my goodbyes."

             
She managed to stay strong through all that until the last sentence. Her voice broke and more tears fall. She pulls away from me and rubs her eyes, trying to keep the tears from pouring out but it doesn't work. I sip more water and close my eyes. Tears are falling from my eyes, too, but they aren’t pouring out like hers are. I am the worst sister in the world. The worst daughter too. I was selfish and inconsiderate, but at the same time, I just... I just couldn't do it! Doesn't anyone understand how much it hurts to be me? Anyone?!

             
With a few sniffles and a clearing of the throat, I manage to get out the two words she needs to hear spoken from me instead of written on paper. "I'm… sorry."

             
She nods her head and leans down, resting her head on my lap as she continues to cry. I run my hand through her hair, and she ends up closing her eyes. Sleep takes over in just a few seconds and more guilt rushes through me. She is exhausted because she has been too scared to close her eyes. She hasn't left my side. I wish I could promise her this won't happen again, I wish I could tell her I'm okay, anything along those lines, but I can't. I still am not sure I want to be alive.

             
Since Emi ended up falling asleep and it was pretty late at night, my parents weren't notified until morning. They came and visited me at the crack of dawn and were startled to see me awake. My mom sat next to me, on the opposite side of the still sleeping Emi, and she cried harder than I've ever seen her do. It hurt my heart a lot, and it just came to prove again, that I'm always hurting now. No matter what I do, or don't do, I'm getting hurt by something or someone. Sadly in this case, that someone is myself.

             
My Poppa stood by the door and just stared at me, almost as if he came any closer to me it'd all be his imagination. They left after an hour, which is around the time Emi woke up. By then I was able to talk a little more, although it still hurt, and told her to shower. She was reluctant to leave my side, but she did. My mom had brought her clothes from our apartment, as well as deodorant and stuff. When she came out, she said she felt ten times better, sat on the fake leather futon-couch in front of the TV, and ended up passing back out. Poor, poor Emi.