Imaginary Grace (2 page)

He took a desk a few seats up and to the right from mine. Then he turned and began a conversation with the girl next to him. I couldn’t see her face but I could tell from her body language that she found him as attractive as I did. At one point she put a hand on his arm and said, “Oh, Tanner!” in a half-scolding tone.
Tanner? Hmmm.
When the professor walked in he turned around and I dragged my attention to the front of the room, but every so often I glanced in his direction. When class was over, I quickly gathered my things, but by the time I got up to leave he was already gone.

When I returned to the dorm, Beth was already there doing homework.

I threw myself onto my bed with arms outstretched and said, “Beth, I think I’m in love!”

“In
love
?
Already
?” she drawled. “We’ve only been here a week. Who is he?”

“Okay, well maybe I’m not in love, but I’m definitely in lust,” I said. “His name’s Tanner – isn’t that a cool name? He was in my class this afternoon and he’s drop dead gorgeous.”

“Wow, did you talk to him?”

“Are you kidding?” I said. “No way. He’s way out of my league; I was happy to just stare at him.”

“Out of your league? Grace, don’t say that; any guy would be lucky to have you.”

“Beth, believe me when I tell you that this guy’s in the majors while I’m still playing rec.” I sighed. “But at least I can dream.”

Beth went back to working on her paper while I lay there and daydreamed about Tanner. Beth was lucky. She had a great boyfriend – or so I had heard. I’d never actually met him, but from what Beth said he seemed great. His name was Thomas and they’d been dating since junior year of high school.

I thought I remembered her saying he went to school somewhere in North Carolina. They had done the whole prom thing together and it all sounded so romantic. Thanks to the fiasco, I hadn’t made it to my prom; I guess I could have gotten a friend to take me, but it wouldn’t have been the same as going with someone I really liked.

©

“Beth, are you ready?” I said the next night. I was anxious to head out to the party before my nerves got the better of me.

“Yep, I just need to grab my shoes.”

The party started at ten, so we figured we would leave the dorm around then so we could make a fashionably late entrance at ten-fifteen. It was a humid night and my hair, as usual, was untamable. I finally gave up, pulling what I could back into a long ponytail with just a few strands escaping at the sides.

When we arrived, we stuck together like glue. I recognized a few people from some of my classes, and so did Beth. We both got beers from the kitchen and then wandered out onto the back deck. A few people spoke to us, but it seemed that most of the people there knew each other already.

We’d been there about a half-hour or so when Beth said she had to hit the bathroom. I told her I’d wait outside for her, then leisurely walked over to the railing at the far end of the deck. I was looking out at all of the people milling around the yard when all of a sudden my eyes fell upon
him
. Tanner looked every bit as good as I remembered as he slowly sauntered across the backyard towards the deck with a six-pack under his arm. He was dressed in a crisp white t-shirt and a pair of worn blue-jeans. His tousled hair looked damp, like he’d just stepped out of the shower, and I wondered if he lived close by.

As he passed by me and entered the house through the back door, I found myself starting to follow him. I swear I couldn’t stop staring at him, but I eventually lost sight of him in the crowded house.

I didn’t want to search the house for him, because, really, what was I going to do when I found him? So I went back out to the deck instead and found Beth nervously looking around. When she spotted me she came right over.

“Grace, where have you been?”

I grabbed her arm, pulling her back inside the house. “Okay, don’t look now, but the hot guy from my psych class is in here somewhere.”

“OMG! Where? Where?” she said, her head whipping around so fast I thought she might hurt herself. I nonchalantly scanned the room, finally catching sight of him in the kitchen. I slowly led her in his direction, then discreetly pointed him out to her across the room.

All she said was, “Oh.”

“Oh? What do you mean, oh? That’s all you’re going to say?”

“Well,” she said, “I guess he’s kind of cute. I mean, he’s definitely got a great body, but frankly, Grace, he’s not really my type. Why don’t you go over and say hi?”

“Are you
crazy?
” I said as I snuck another peek at him. “No way, he’s got like three different girls talking to him.”

She glanced casually at him again. “Well, he doesn’t look like he’s with any of them; maybe they’re just friends of his.”

I shook my head. “There’s like no
way
I’m going over there,
no way!
”

“Okay, well, let’s go back out on the deck then; there are some people out there from one of my classes and they seemed pretty cool.”

I nodded, then snuck one more glance at Tanner before following her. We ended up hanging out on the deck the rest of the night, but I kept finding myself looking around for Tanner. Finally, at around 12:30 we headed home. Exhausted from a full week of classes and looking forward to sleeping in on Sunday morning, I fell into bed.

Chapter 2

Tanner

A
mber didn’t look at me as she hastily pulled on her jeans and t-shirt. Well, at least I don’t think she did; I was too busy staring up at the ceiling. I’d always found it was best in these situations not to engage the enemy, and, after kicking her out of my bed in the middle of the night, I was pretty sure Amber qualified as such.

She didn’t say anything as she picked up her purse and left the room. I turned to the wall and counted:
five, four, three, two…

“Asshole!” she called out; then I heard the slam of my bedroom door and the click-click of her heels down the hall.

I’d met Amber a few hours before, at the bar Scott and I hit after leaving the party. I’d seen her around a few times before and thought she was pretty hot, so I figured,
what the fuck?
I wasn’t surprised how easy it was to get her into bed, or that she was less-than-pleased about getting her marching orders afterwards. Like most girls, she wanted to spend the night, but I was having none of it. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck with her all day Sunday, and besides I had a strict no sleepover rule. Not that I told them that before they came home with me.

After she left I tried to get some sleep, but it wasn’t happening. I made the short trip to the couch and turned on the TV. As I searched in vain for something interesting to watch, I vaguely wondered what girl Scott had hooked up with. We had been roommates and pretty close friends for a year and a half, ever since I’d answered his “room for rent” ad in the school newspaper. The off-campus apartment wasn’t very big, but it didn’t matter because more often than not Scott wound up sleeping elsewhere. I’d get a good story later, for sure, and I would tell him all about Amber.

I wasn’t always a dick when it came to girls, I thought as I ran my finger along the scar by my right eye. Actually, I used to be a pretty decent guy, back before what I now refer to as “the incident”, for lack of a better term. It took place when I was a junior in high school and dating a girl named Kiera. Kiera wasn’t just hot – she was
smokin’.
I could never quite figure out what she saw in me, but at the time I tried not to overthink it. I was a skinny kid, on the tall side with longish hair-- pretty nondescript, if you ask me.

The incident happened toward the end of the school year. My friends and I had a band and I played lead guitar, mostly classic rock, some heavy metal. I was decent, still am, but let’s face it, our band was never going to go any further than the high school gymnasium. That was okay, though, because the school held the annual “battle of the bands” in that gym, and this year, for the first time, we were going to play in it.

Our band was called Ratt Trapp. Pretty lame, right? At the time, Keith, Jimmy, Kyle and I thought it was the best name ever. The night of the show, we were pumped; Kiera would be there with all her hot little friends, and we thought Ratt Trapp had a good shot at snagging the top spot. The show
was
awesome, too, and even though we only came in second, we were on top of the world. After the winners were announced, I looked around the gym for Kiera, but she was nowhere to be found. Thinking she was standing in the endless line outside the girls’ bathroom, I waited for what seemed like forever, but she never showed.

As it turned out, she’d skipped out with Chris Morgan
, el capitan
of the football team. Fucked him right out in the parking lot, in the back of his parents’ Lexus. Some geek saw them and thought he’d earn a few popularity points by spreading the word, and by the time Monday rolled around the whole school was talking about it. In fact, it was
all
they could talk about. The battle of bands, including Ratt Trapp’s performance, was all but forgotten and I was so pissed I thought my head would explode.

Now, just to be clear, it’s not like I was in love with her or anything, but I’ll admit it was definitely pretty cool being with the hottest girl in school, the girl everybody wanted. I was out for blood, and since I couldn’t get it from Keira, I walked up to Chris and sucker-punched him in the jaw. He was huge and I knew I was no match for him, but I wanted to get in one good shot before we both hit the floor.

Well, needless to say Chris beat the crap outta me, but getting that first punch felt so frigging good. During the brawl he slammed my head against one of the lockers – hence the scar. We both ended up getting suspended for a week, but my humiliation lasted much longer. I spent the rest of the term avoiding people and counting the minutes until summer.

That was the summer I started working out – a lot – and by the time school started up again in September I had morphed into a completely different person. Kiera had ditched Chris and was all into hooking up again, but I was so done with her. The sight of her made me sick, and to be honest, I didn’t need her. Random girls were constantly hitting on me and, heck, who was I to turn them down?

I made it clear that I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but that didn’t seem stop them; in fact, it just seemed to make them more interested. At the age of seventeen I had cracked the code and discovered the secret for getting girls: the more you ignore them and treat them like shit, the more they want you.

To be fair, I’m not saying that
all
girls fit this profile, but judging from my own personal
experience, a large percentage of them did. To be honest, I found that I had little respect for any of them.

I’d just found a re-run of a basketball game that’d aired earlier when I heard a set of keys jiggling outside. A second later, Scott stumbled in. “Hey man, what are you still doing up? I didn’t even know you left the bar.” Then he laughed. “Did you bag Amber and then kick her out?”

“I didn’t ‘kick her out,’” I replied casually. “I told her nicely that I had to get up early and that she should probably leave. Anyway, she knew the deal.”

He rolled his eyes and said he was going to bed. I said I was too and clicked off the TV. It was three a.m. before I finally fell asleep and by seven, I was in the kitchen, making coffee and looking around for something to eat. As usual, there were few choices. As I popped a frozen bagel into the toaster oven, I glanced out the kitchen window and noticed a vaguely familiar girl jogging in the distance. Why the hell was she wearing a sweatshirt in ninety--degree weather?

Chapter 3

Grace

O
ver the following week I noticed a slight tingle in my stomach; it grew stronger as Friday approached and though I tried to ignore it, I knew what it was: the anticipation of seeing Tanner again. When I arrived at class that morning, the door was still locked, so I sat down on the floor and started rummaging through my bag for something to read as I waited for the professor to arrive.

I didn’t have to wait long. Within a few minutes the hallway was jam-packed with people, and as I gathered my books and got to my feet, I found myself surrounded. The harried-looking professor arrived and unlocked the door, then the throng of students moved toward the room.

Just then, someone knocked into me and sent me forward. My face came into contact with the muscular back of the guy in front of me, and the intoxicating scent of Irish Spring soap and laundry detergent tickled my nostrils. I regained my balance, then looked up to see who it was. Tanner! He didn’t seem to notice that I had gone flying into him. As the students began to merge into the classroom, I quietly trailed behind him and quickly snagged the seat directly behind his.

He had walked in with another guy, who I heard him call Scott. From eavesdropping on their conversation, I deduced that they were good friends, maybe even roommates. I was hoping to get more information, but then the professor cleared his throat and the room fell silent. For the next forty-five minutes, I stared dreamily at the back of Tanner’s head and pretended to take notes. When class was just about over, I slowly leaned forward, hoping to get close enough for another whiff of that heavenly scent, but just as I did he turned around. Our faces were mere inches apart. Startled, I scooted back in my seat.

“Can I help you with something?” he said rudely as his friend snickered next to him. Before I could reply, the professor dismissed the class and they both got up to leave. I just sat there for a moment, stunned, embarrassed and thinking,
Man, he’s even hotter up close!

When I met up with Beth later, I told her all about my encounter with Tanner.

“I understand you think he’s hot, Grace,” Beth said, “but I
don’t
understand how someone smelling like soap and laundry detergent is sexy.”

“Soap and laundry detergent are clean smells,” I said, a bit defensive, “and clean is sexy.”

“Whatever,” she said. “What’s on the agenda for tonight? I heard about another house party – you up for it?”

“Sure, sounds great!”

We started getting ready for the party around nine, which gave me plenty of time to try to tame my unmanageable hair. Fortunately, it cooperated enough for me to pull it into perfect ponytail. I carefully slipped a hoodie over my head so as not to mess it up.

Beth eyed me up and down, then made a clucking noise with her teeth. “Grace, we really need to do something about your wardrobe. Why don’t you borrow something of mine?”

“I’m comfortable wearing this,” I replied. “If I wear something of yours, I’ll be self-conscious all night and I won’t have a good time.”

“Okay, but you’re never going to meet anyone buried underneath all those layers,” she said as we walked out the door.

By the time we arrived, the party was in full swing. The music was blaring, everyone was drinking and there was a thick layer of cigarette smoke wafting above our heads. We managed to weave our way into the dingy kitchen to grab a couple of beers and then headed out to the backyard, where the overflow of people had gathered on the withered lawn.

Beth spotted some people we’d hung out with at the last party and called them over. After a few minutes of trading freshman horror stories, Beth and I were ready for more beer. We both looked toward the mobbed house reluctantly, then I held out my hand to her.

“I got this one.”

Smiling gratefully, she handed me her plastic cup. “Thanks.”

I was almost to the keg when I noticed Tanner and his friend Scott standing there. Clearly they hung out a lot, but judging from appearances they couldn’t have been more different. Scott was a few inches shorter than Tanner, with crazy-looking dark hair that went in all different directions. It had looked the same way when I saw him in class, and on closer inspection I thought maybe he wore it that way on purpose, like he was going for an artfully messy look. His eyes were a dark grayish color and his skin had a bit of an olive tone, but perhaps he was just tan from the sun.

He sported a few strange-looking earrings and he had a slight goatee, but it may have just been an abundance of scruff from not shaving. I couldn’t be sure. He was on the thinner side, but it was obvious that he, like Tanner, must work out. He wore jeans and a pair of army-style boots along with a slightly-wrinkled blue t-shirt. I also noticed that he had quite a few tattoos on both arms, which got me wondering if Tanner had any tattoos hidden somewhere.

My first thought was to turn around and go back, but I decided to brave it out. As I got closer I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

Just then Tanner glanced over at me, a flash of recognition on his face, but it was Scott who spoke. “Hey,” he said, “aren’t you in our psych class? You were sitting behind Tanner.” He smirked at Tanner.

I turned beet red as I nodded.

“Your name’s Grace, right?” Tanner asked, and again I just nodded, surprised that he knew my name. He narrowed his eyes at me. “Can you speak?”

“Maybe she doesn’t speak English,” Scott suggested.

Tanner held up his red cup and pointed at it. When I nodded for the third time, he took the two red cups from my hands and filled them for me.

When he handed them back to me, I managed to croak out, “Thanks,” before turning and slinking out of the kitchen, trying to ignore the sound of their laughter.

When I found Beth, I handed her the beer and joined in the conversation like nothing had happened. But inside, I couldn’t shake my uneasy feeling; I just wanted to get out of there before I embarrassed myself again. I hung in there for a little longer, then caught Beth’s eye and jerked my head to indicate that I wanted to leave.

On the way back to our dorm we rehashed every detail of the night. Well, every detail except my encounter with Tanner in the kitchen. I was just too embarrassed to talk about it, even to her. I just wanted to put my pajamas on and crawl into bed.