Imagined Love (6 page)

“I know that’s right, girl. Just let me know what you need and I’ll help in any way I can.”

After fixing a cup of coffee for herself and getting Willa a glass of orange juice, Cicely decided to ask something she’d always been curious about. “I know this probably a odd time to ask, but did you ever love Miles . . . I mean, really love him?”

“Yeah, I did. I fell in love with him from the moment I almost beat him racing on the playground. I was in fifth grade and he was in the sixth and we were always together after that. Then Mama met Miles a few weeks later and she loved him to death. I always thought it was that big, sweet smile and his innocent looking face that made people adore him. He was so cute,” Willa smiled even though her eyes began to water. “My little koala bear. Anyway, Miles was always so polite and sweet and went out of his way to help people. To this day I think that’s why his construction company has been so successful. Folks just tend to trust him. Then he works hard to make sure everything is perfect. That might be that O.C.D. stuff but Miles’s clients love him and gladly refer him to others or use him repeatedly themselves because they know they’ll get excellent service.”

“You still love him, don’t you?”

Again Willa’s eyes filled with tears. “I’ll always love Miles,” she admitted. “Even with all the crazy stuff we’ve been through I still feel like he’s loved me more than anyone. He stood by me through some of the worst times of my life. When I turned fourteen, Charlie Mays decided he didn’t just wanna be my stepfather and he stole my virginity. I remember feeling so betrayed, you know? He had married Mama and moved us to a nice house and a nice life when I was three years old. My own daddy ran out on me and Charlie Mays was the most wonderful, most loving father I’d ever known. He was the one person who stood up for me when Mama was always riding me and dogging me out for something. And he was just . . . my dad, you know? I loved him so much and I trusted him more than anyone in the world. Then when he did that to me, I just flipped out. I was angry and rebellious and I hated everybody.

“Miles didn’t give up on me, though. He was the only one who knew I was acting out for a reason and he kept on me until I finally told him. The only way I could keep him from killing Charlie Mays was by promising to tell Mama. And I did. But she blamed me like I was the one . . .” Willa got choked up. “Girl, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m in here crying over that old mess. I’m sorry,” she said, wiping away her tears.

Cicely was crying too. “You ain’t got nothing to apologize for, Willa. Some things you just don’t ever get over.”

Suddenly Willa realized why Cicely was able to show such empathy for her. She understood first hand what that type of betrayal could do to a young girl. The two women squeezed each other’s hand and cried together.

“Woo, girl, I wasn’t expecting all that. Gone and finish telling me about Miles so I can stop with all this crying.”

“Well, I honestly believe he would’ve killed Charlie Mays but fate or karma took care of it for him. A week or so after I told Mama, he died of a heart attack. And we all thought our lives would go back to some form of normal and

everything would be okay. Mae and I went to Alabama for our two week summer vacation with our Aunt Vera and cousins. We had a ball too. It was the first time in months that I genuinely had fun . . . probably too much fun. But that’s a whole other story. Then the night before we were supposed to catch a bus back to Gary, Mae got killed in a car accident and my whole world was shattered! My baby sister was the sweetest person you could ever meet and she didn’t deserve to be thrown from a truck and have her face bashed into a tree!” Willa wiped tears from her face. “But anyway, I wouldn’t have made it without Miles. He never left my side for a minute. And he got me out the house when we overheard my idiot mama asking Aunt Vera how come it couldn’t have been the other one that died!”

Willa went on to explain how overhearing that statement made Miles take her back to his house and they ended up in the basement drinking his father’s beers. She leaned on him for comfort and they made love for the first time. Afterwards Willa thought they’d made a huge mistake but Miles was ready to get married. He was heartbroken when she broke up with him and transferred to Roosevelt high school. At least that’s where he thought Willa was but she’d actually been sent to a home for unwed, pregnant teens! After weeks of beating on the doors and windows demanding to speak to Willa, Dorothea finally told Miles the truth. He was devastated over the thought of Willa going through a pregnancy alone and that he had no way of getting to her or stopping the adoption.

“Mama was so mad at Miles. I never could understand why she hadn’t been that indignant about Charlie Mays. Instead of putting him in jail, or at the very least throwing him out of the house, she served him his dinner and tea on a damn platter every day like he was some kind of king! I hated her guts for that.

“The only time I didn’t think about it was for those few moments on April 13, 1968 when I got to hold my baby. He was eight pounds, twelve ounces, and twenty-two inches long. The nurse let me hold him just long enough to name him Justin and see that he had my eyes. He smiled at me right before she pulled him out of my arms and I’ve never forgotten how sweet his little face looked,” Willa smiled, as tears poured down her face. “And then when I got back from having Justin ripped away from me all Mama could do was tell me to get over it and move on with my life. Apparently I didn’t have the right to cry or miss my son because he wasn’t dead like Mae. She actually told me to talk to her when I knew what it felt like to put one of my babies in the ground because until then I didn’t have anything to be sad about.”

To lighten the mood a bit, Willa began telling Cicely about the good times she and Miles had. After she had come home from having Justin, Miles was the only person she could lean on. One afternoon he called to ask her to meet him on what everyone called The Good Corner. People would come from all around the

city for one of the best polish sausages, tacos, or barbecue. They’d shop, go to the movies or just stand around and swap stories about the good ole days.

“Ooh, girl, I used to love going down to the good corner. Me and my brother would scrape our little nickels together and go to the record store or get some of those good doughnuts. Oh, do you remember playing policy? That was the big thing back then.”

“Yeah, I remember playing policy very well. I had never heard of it until Miles told me he was doing it. I was so scared for him because it was gambling and he was too young to be doing that. I thought his parents would be furious if they found out but they were the ones sending him in there to play their numbers! Then Miles started playing his own numbers with the money he made cutting grass and shoveling snow. They kept hitting and from that point on, every time we met up he had money to eat and go to the movies and do whatever we wanted to do. It was amazing and Miles made up his mind right then and there that he was going to work hard to start his own construction company and make sure we never had to want for anything. And he did it.

“It was when I talked about my dreams of having a business that we would argue. Miles has always been old school where he thinks a man goes out to work and the woman stays home with the kids. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it if that’s what you want to do. But I always wanted to have my own money and do something with my life too. Plus Miles taught me a very valuable lesson that I will never forget. After the business took off and we started moving up in the world, Miles’s family constantly had their hands out for something, especially Myrna. And when I overheard her referring to Miles as her piggy bank, I tried to warn him about it. But he told me I had no right telling him what to do with his money. ‘I’ll continue to give Mama whatever she asks for because she’s my mother . . . you just my wife’! From that day on I always made it a point to have money of my own.

“And I know it’s gonna be even harder now being a single mother with two kids, but I still believe I can make a life for myself—the one I want to have. I wish I could have my marriage and a career but Miles had made it clear it won’t be with him. And I’m tired of doing what everyone else wants me to do. When it’s all said and done I want to look back on my life and know I lived the best one I could doing what I wanted to do.”

“I know that’s right, girl. And I’ll be here to support you every step of the way. You gone make it, Willa, I can feel it. You been through a lot and it’s your time to finally be happy.”

“I hope so, Cicely. I truly hope so.”

The next day Landon, Robert, and Alonzo helped unload Willa’s and Jade’s things into their new apartment. Cicely and all the kids helped unpack and everything was put away in a matter of hours. Willa got Kentucky Fried Chicken for everyone and thanked them for helping. They truly had made her life easier and she appreciated it.

Willa left a copy of the divorce papers and a note with her new address on the kitchen counter for Miles to find when he returned home from work. He was upset but surprisingly calm when he came by that evening. They discussed custody arrangements as well as child support. Miles had no intentions of paying but planned to provide for Jade and the baby by physically going to buy whatever they needed. There was no way he was giving Willa money when it was her decision to leave. She didn’t have the energy to argue with him but it was clear to her that they would be going to court to settle the matter. Neither had been perfect in the marriage, but Willa couldn’t imagine a judge not siding with her and making Miles pay child support and alimony. All she was asking for was money to take care of the kids but since he wanted to fight her about it, she planned to get everything! His offhanded comment about not knowing if the baby was even his let her know Miles was planning to go toe to toe with her. Sadly, things didn’t turn out the way either of them had expected.

Miles ran into the hospital room and spotted Jade on the floor crying in Cicely’s and Katrina’s arms. Landon was standing off in the corner, his face wet with tears. Miles felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest as tears began to fall down his cheeks.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, almost too afraid to hear the answer. “Baby, what happened?”

Just then the doctor entered the room looking somber as he explained the situation to Miles.

“Noooo!” he screamed and let out the sickest, most heartbreaking sound.

His cries only made everyone bawl more. Then he walked over to Willa’s bed and grabbed her hand, placing it next to his heart. He laid his head on her stomach desperately hoping the baby would kick or move or do something. There had to be some kind of mistake. His son couldn’t really be dead!

Willa rubbed Miles’s head like she used to do to calm him when he was stressed. He closed his eyes and whispered to the baby how much he loved him. More than anything, Miles wished he could uncoil the umbilical cord from around his son’s neck and give him a chance to live. Heartbroken, he laid in the bed next to Willa and they held each other and cried together for what seemed like forever.

Landon had to leave the room because he couldn’t take seeing Jade and her family that way. Cicely and Katrina left as well so the three of them could be alone. Miles and Willa tried to get Jade to go home with her friends but she wanted to be there when the baby was born like they’d planned.

The doctors had already induced Willa’s labor and within a few hours she was in agony. The physical pain was nothing in comparison to the devastation of knowing she was going through all of it for nothing. There wouldn’t be a first cry. She wouldn’t see her baby’s eyes or feel his breath on her cheek. And the only thing Willa could feel was guilt. Months earlier she had wanted to get rid of the baby and now he was dead. She couldn’t help wondering if things might have turned out differently if she had never let an abortion cross her mind. And as Miles and Jade held her hands while she pushed, all she could think about was how much they would hate her if they knew.

On December 2, 1981, at 8:32 p.m. Jamal Thomas Caldwell was born. He weighed eight pounds, three ounces, and was twenty-one inches long. Jade held him first and just stared at him for a while. She had prepared herself to see something creepy but Jamal looked so cute. He just seemed like he was sleeping and the sweet expression on his face made her smile. Jade wanted to talk to him

but knew if she opened her mouth only sobs would escape. So she gave Jamal a kiss on the cheek before handing him to her dad. She had seen her mother cry lots of times but something about seeing Miles cry was unbearable and it hurt deep in her heart. So she walked to the restroom at the end of the hallway, locked the door to the stall, and sobbed like she never had before. A part of her was dead—her sweet baby brother– and there was absolutely nothing that could be done about it.

Dorothea, who had moved back to Tuskegee, Alabama to escape the harsh Indiana winters, took the first flight out and was there the next day. She made all the funeral arrangements as neither Miles nor Willa was able to. She also got the crib disassembled and boxed up any and every thing associated with the baby. Miles’s best friends came by the apartment to take everything to storage. Whenever Miles and Willa were ready they could decide what to do with it. For the time being, it was best that neither of them had to see it.

On December 7th, with their family and friends surrounding them, Miles and Willa laid their son to rest. They were devastated and completely unprepared to deal with such heartache. Sadder still was the fact that it took that tragedy for Willa and her mother to relate to one another. They both knew the pain of burying a child and it somehow bonded them in a way nothing else had. Although she’d found Dorothea’s comments all those years ago to be cruel, Willa finally understood what she meant. The pain of giving up a child for adoption was nothing in comparison to putting one in the ground. She often imagined Justin going to school, playing sports, or just being happy. And it still hurt not to be a part of it, but it gave Willa comfort to know it was happening somewhere in the world. Jamal, unfortunately, would never get the chance to do any of those things, with or without her. And that was unbearable.

Just when Willa thought she couldn’t hurt any more, she overheard a conversation that broke what little was left of her heart. Jade was crying, asking Dorothea what Jamal ever did to deserve to die. Then she said it would have been better if she had been the one to die since her parents never wanted her anyway.

“No, baby,” Dorothea cried, as she held her granddaughter tight. “Don’t you ever think something like that, you hear me? Your mom and dad both love you. We all love you, baby girl. Why would you think they didn’t want you?”

“All I ever hear is what a mistake I was or how if they had it all to do over again I wouldn’t be here. It’s like me coming into the world ruined their lives and made everything so hard. But they were happy about Jamal. They wanted him, not me,” she cried.

Willa lay in her bed sobbing too. She hated knowing Jade was hurting so much. Yet, she couldn’t bring herself to get up to go comfort her daughter. As much as she wanted to tell Jade she’d always wanted her, Willa knew that wasn’t completely true. She did love Jade, but there were plenty of times when she didn’t

want the responsibility of raising her. And knowing she was actually going to abort Jamal made Willa feel lower than dirt. She cried herself to sleep believing she’d gotten exactly what she deserved.

All Willa did the first few weeks after the funeral was sleep. She didn’t eat and barely spoke to anyone. Thankfully, Jade had her granny and friends to support her since her parents were still unable to do so. By Christmas, however, Dorothea forced Willa out of bed and helped her start putting her life back together.

“Will I ever get over this, Mama?”

“No, child, you won’t,” Dorothea cried, as she stroked her daughter’s hair. “But you’ll find a way to get through it. You’ll find a way to go on with your life.”

“I’m sorry, Mama,” Willa said, watching tears roll down Dorothea’s face. “I never knew how much pain you were in. If it hurts this much and Jamal was stillborn I can’t even imagine what it was like to lose a child after having her for thirteen years. It had to be tortuous to have all those memories of Mae growing up, remembering her laugh, and just how wonderful she was.”

Dorothea sobbed and Willa reached out to hug her for the first time in many years. They both cried and held tightly to one another, releasing a lifetime of pain.

“Thank you, Mama. Thank you for being here and taking care of everything. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you,” Willa said, as Dorothea prepared to leave a few days before the New Year.

Miles expressed those same sentiments as he embraced his soon-to-be ex mother-in-law then he loaded her luggage into his Ford Bronco. Jade was planning to ride to the airport with them but Willa asked her to stay. She wanted to talk to Jade alone and hopefully reassure her how much she was wanted and loved. Dorothea needed to speak with Miles anyway so it was best for Jade to stay with her mom.

Willa apologized for making her feel like they didn’t want her and promised not to let it happen again. They cried about Jamal and talked about how much they were looking forward to having a little boy running around the house. Jade asked Willa if she would ever have another baby and learned that wasn’t possible. Willa had her tubes tied after Jamal was born to prevent it from ever happening again. Miles disagreed with her decision but being that he was about to become her ex-husband. Willa didn’t care. Jade was to be her only child and she was just fine with that.

Willa and Jade settled into their apartment and things slowly got back to normal. Unfortunately, that included arguing with Miles. Losing Jamal was a sadness they shared and were able to lean on each other to get through it. Once that time had passed, they were forced to face the fact that they didn’t like each other

very much. The two of them fought about money, custody, but mostly about how Jewel was affecting Jade. He wanted them to be sisters and best friends despite the fact they couldn’t stand each other. So to protect her own child, Willa often kept Jade away from Miles so she wouldn’t be forced to deal with Jewel. Again he threatened to get full custody and their fights continued. Willa couldn’t imagine things getting any worse until, of course, they got worse!

On Friday, April 1st, a few days before Easter, Willa decided to go to the Village Shopping Mall to window shop. Her divorce had been final for about a month and she thought it would be less depressing to get out for a while instead of spending another day in bed crying about the mess she’d made of her life. After walking around for an hour, Willa was ready to leave when she discovered her car had been stolen! At least she thought it was but soon realized Miles had taken it. When she called to remind him that she needed a vehicle to take care of their daughter properly he agreed and told her she better get one. Miles also told Willa if she couldn’t take care of their daughter he would happily take custody of her.

Threats such as those prompted Willa to put her plans to start a party planning business on hold to take secretarial jobs from a temp agency. The higher paying positions were in Chicago so she caught the train as often as she could get work. Cicely volunteered to have Jade sleep over during the week which was extremely helpful. The fact that Willa already had to get up at the crack of dawn to catch a bus to the train station made the idea of taking Jade to Cicely’s every morning too daunting of a task. And at first she came over every day after work with a fresh pair of clothes, lunch for the next day, and to spend time with Jade. Though, as the weeks dragged on, it just got easier to pack enough clothes to last Jade the four days, pay her lunch card at school, and call every night before bed.

Living like that, however, only added to Willa’s misery. Jade grew closer to Cicely and began confiding in her. Sometimes it seemed as if she was closer to her than Katrina and Landon and that made Willa jealous. Miles was envious as well and resented the fact that his daughter liked someone he considered a lowlife better than him. He also didn’t like that Jade was so taken with Alonzo and would’ve had a fit had he known just how often she was staying there with him. Willa was so distraught and lonely that she cried herself to sleep every night and contemplated quitting her job so she could be with her daughter. She’d even been desperate enough to entertain the idea of reconciling with Miles again!

Mother’s Day was a few days away and Willa was depressed and lonely. It had been five months since Jamal died and she still missed him. Miles missed him too and called to ask if he could stop by the apartment to talk. Willa laughed when she opened the door to find him holding a bottle of rum and a two liter of Coke. It was one of their favorite drinks. And after a few of them, they were crying and

holding each other. Then Miles and Willa started kissing and wound up in bed making love for hours, like they always did after rum and Coke!

“I can’t leave you alone,” he whispered, as they lay entwined in her bed. “I love you, Willa, and I want you to come home.”

“And how would Anna feel about that?” she asked of the woman he’d started seeing.

Miles caressed her face and kissed her passionately as if that were answer enough. She held tightly to him as they reminisced about their first apartment and car and how far they’d come from those days. Miles kissed her again and they were well on their way to making love again when Willa’s phone rang. She tried to get up to stop the answering machine but he wouldn’t let her. Miles wanted to hear what Mitchell had to say. According to Willa he was nothing more than one of the executives she’d met while working at the temp agency. However, from the things he was saying he wanted to do to her it was obvious her relationship with Mitchell was more than that . . . much more.

Miles went ballistic and began screaming at Willa about being unfaithful, which confused her. They were divorced and that meant freedom to date or bed whoever they wanted. When Miles first asked about Mitchell he was just a guy from work. Willa didn’t realize she was supposed to update him once that changed. Besides, he was sleeping with Anna every night so she didn’t understand what the hell he was so angry about and she said as much.

The next morning two dozen red roses arrived at Willa’s apartment along with four hundred dollars for her to shop and pamper herself. Miles called to apologize and asked Willa to forgive him and come home. And despite everything that had happened between them, she was tempted to go back simply because she was tired of struggling. Being with Miles meant having a comfortable life where she could be with Jade and not have someone else raising her. However, she knew that comfort came with a price. So any time Willa began to consider going back to Miles, she’d remind herself what life with him was really like.

“You’ll be all right without him,” she often said to her reflection. The problem was that Willa didn’t actually believe she could be. Though, as the months rolled by she found in herself a resilient woman who was just fine on her own.

At the beginning of August, Miles came by the apartment to get Jade for the weekend and decided to bring Anna along to meet Willa. He announced their engagement and that the wedding would take place in a few months. What Miles was hoping for was an insanely jealous outburst from his ex-wife. What he got instead made him angry. Willa embraced the beautiful nineteen-year-old Puerto Rican and offered her wedding planning tips! They became fast friends and talked for over an hour as if Miles weren’t even in the room.

“Look, we need to go,” he barked.

“Okay, well it was good to meet you, Anna. Just let me know if you need any help with the wedding. Miles has my number,” Willa said, as she hugged the woman goodbye.

Willa hugged Jade as well and told Miles congratulations before they finally left. As soon as the door closed she dissolved into tears. Even though Willa knew Miles was involved with Anna, she never thought he would actually marry her. She never thought he would marry anyone but her and she was jealous and brokenhearted by his impending nuptials. It was only at that moment did Willa realize she was still hanging on to the hope of her and Miles finding their way back to each other. His marrying another woman laid that hope to rest and she knew it was time to move on with her life—once and for all.