Impossible (17 page)

Chapter 14

A week later, Every and I were cuddled up on the couch, and I was running my fingers through her hair, scratching lightly at her scalp.

We had settled into each other easily. She was unbelievably smart, freaking funny, and had obviously gotten her ability to forgive from her father’s side of the family.

Joanie and Michael had taken a giant step back, letting me step in and do everything, and they had done it with absolutely no ill will. They managed to skate the line, avoiding resentment at me for the years they had spent taking care of Every at the same time that they didn’t let it grow as they watched me take over.

Honestly, it was no wonder I had met and fallen in love with the son they had produced.

Unfortunately, as much as I loved them and was loving every minute spent with my daughter, I missed Coleman. Quite frankly, I missed him with a ferocity I wouldn’t have thought possible. Somehow, he had become not only my lover, but my best friend. And he’d done this at a time where I didn’t think it was possible.

Another factor in my agony...I hadn’t heard from him. I’d left the “I’m sorry” voicemail hoping that would do some of the work in bridging the gap between us, but it hadn’t.

I tried not to assume anything because there were any number of reasons he could have not called back. It didn’t have to mean that he was done with me.

Besides, I had already made the decision that after Every and I were settled with each other, I would find a way to connect with him whether I had heard back from him or not. The whole time we were together he had had to chase me, and I figured it was about time I did a little chasing of my own.

Plus, a few other interesting things had come to light this week, and I was going to need to see him eventually.

Turns out, you really can’t assume anything, even if seemingly sound reasoning leads to the assumption.

I pulled myself out of my thoughts just in time to see Michael change the channel and land on bull riding. My whole body went wired immediately.

I had been leaning back, semi-relaxed, with Every cradled in my arms, but as the camera panned across the line of cowboys, I launched up to sitting, bringing Every with me.

The camera scanned slowly, and my heart just about jumped out of my chest with the anticipation. My eyes were focused on the TV, and I pretty much zoned out, forgetting everything going on around me, including the company I was keeping. I was so intent on seeing him, that I just barely heard the words come out of the announcer’s mouth. “Unfortunately, Coleman Cade won’t be here this week due to a family emergency. It shouldn’t hurt his standings too much, though, as he’s had quite the dominate year.”

Coleman wasn’t there. Of course. He was still with Nan. God. Coming back from my tunnel vision, I realized I wasn’t alone. And when I looked around, I saw that all of the eyes in the room were on my shaking, sweaty body.

“Well, that answers a few questions,” I vaguely heard Michael murmur to Joanie.

Hearing him say that focused my thoughts and snapped me back to the ugly conversation I had had with Coleman before I left.

You have a fuckin’ daughter, Roni. I saw her with my own eyes.

Prettiest little girl I’ve ever seen, with familiar green eyes and a loving set of grandparents.

I had been so focused on him claiming that she was alive that I hadn’t really listened. If I’d been paying attention I would have realized the obvious. He had met her. That’s how he found out she was alive.

Shitdizzle. He had been in Arkansas on the circuit last week. Of course.

God, I was an idiot. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed this until now.

Lifting my eyes to Michael’s, I whispered, “You met him. Last week.”

“Sure did, Sweetheart,” he answered softly.

I was desperate for more answers, but I knew I needed to wait for Every to go to bed. We all gave each other looks that said we would definitely be discussing this later, when Every took me by surprise.

“He has
cool
eyes!”

I knew what she meant, but I kept forgetting how freaking smart she was, smart enough to pick up on the veiled undercurrent of a conversation I was having with her grandfather, so I questioned, “Who does, baby?”

Her response was exasperated, a big heavy sigh escaping her little lips before she said, “Colemand Cade, Mommy.” Her voice changed from exasperated to excited as she continued, “He’s really nice too. He tolded me I looked like someone he knew and that I was the prettiest little girl he’d ever saw in his
whole life
!”

My eyes flicked up until they connected with Michael and Joanie, but I spoke my words to Every. “Well, he was definitely right about that, honey. You are without a doubt the prettiest little girl in the whole world.” My hand ran aimlessly though her hair as I breathed in the reality of holding her in my arms.

This was yet another way Coleman had saved me. If it hadn’t been for him, I might have never come back here. I knew it was luck that had crossed his path with Every in the first place, but it was because of the person he was that he had taken the time to speak to her. And it was his perceptive nature that had allowed him to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

God, I missed him.

How had I ever thought I’d be better off without him? That if I wasn’t with him, it wouldn’t hurt as much to lose him?

It was amazing what the pain of a loss can twist your mind into believing. It uses whatever it can to staunch the flow of the bleed, to stifle the pain to a manageable level. And sometimes it turns you into someone else. Someone you don’t like. Making you perpetrate the very same actions of your enemies.

But Joanie was right. It’s what you do after the fact. Who do you become after the storm clears? How do you handle the harsh reality of unsubstantiated choices?

How do you handle it when you do the very last thing you would ever wish to do?

Hurt the people you love.

********

The next morning, as Every played quietly in the other room, Josh’s parents took their opportunity to slap me with the reality check I desperately needed.

Joanie was the first to speak up, asking me, “What went wrong with your man, Sweetheart? And why are you here instead of up there trying to fix it?”

I thought the answer was obvious, and my tone said as much as I said, “Joanie, we just discussed this. I’ve already spent too much time, too many years, thinking about myself. This is the time I need to be here for Every. Give her all the things I haven’t been giving her.”

I went about my business mixing the pasta salad that I had made for later that day, but Joanie grabbed my chin and pulled my face up so that she could look directly into my eyes as Michael looked on from his seat at the table.

Joanie’s voice left no room for bullshit as she asked, “Do you love this man, Veronica?”

I couldn’t look away, my chin held securely in her hand, so my only option was to let the threatening tears rush to my eyes and nod jerkily.

It hurt to admit that to her, like somehow I was betraying her by betraying her son. I knew that that kind of thinking wasn’t logical or fair, but that didn’t stop me from feeling that way.

Joanie worked her face into a smile, an action that I could see took work, the pain of her loss written in the tears of her eyes and the tremor of her lips.

She took one deep breath, and then told me, “Good. Then you owe it to Josh to go make things right.”

Owe it to
Josh
? How could she say that? I owed it to Josh to respect the love he had given me and take care of our daughter like I should have.

I never spoke the words of my question, but she could read it anyway.

“We admire what you’re trying to do, honey, but you’re going about it wrong,” she coached gently. “Every is fine. She’s adjusted to you like you’ve always been here because we made sure that you were. We told her about you everyday and filled her life with all things you and Josh. Now get your act together, and go get the man you’re in love with. You know just about better than anyone that life is just too short to wait around.”

Finally unable to hold his tongue, Michael piped up. “Be the woman Josh loved, Vee,” he said, purposely using Josh’s name for me. “He was always saying how strong you were, how much love you had to give despite those idiot parents of yours.”

I was so lucky to have these amazing people in my life. My feet itched to move, my heart beating steadily to reassure me that I knew they were right.

But there was one other thing that was bothering me.

“But he lives in Kansas.”

“We know that, doll,” Michael confirmed.

“But...you live here.”

Joanie’s arms wrapped around me in a hug so tight it was a wonder I could still take a breath. I could feel her tears in my hair and on my face as she hugged me tight and infused me with all the strength she had to give.

Her answering words were soft in my ear, but they rang strong with conviction. “We’ll work out the details later, Sweetheart. Love makes all sorts of things possible. With the things we’ve overcome, all of us, each and every one of us in this house, a little thing like a difference in location is nothing.”

I pulled back and made sure to hold the attention of both of them as I spoke the words I hadn’t spoken since the day Josh died.

“I love you both. Always.”

Chapter 15

Pulling Every out of her car seat, I set her down on the ground, closed her door, and then reached for her hand to lead her up to the perfect white farmhouse.

She was beyond excited, chirping happily next to me the entire way across the driveway, up onto the porch, and to the front door. “This place is
so
cool, Mommy!”

I couldn’t help but agree with her, but my thoughts were preoccupied and I was as nervous as I could be. Therefore, instead of answering verbally, I gave her a hint of a smile and a succinct nod.

There was a really good chance that Coleman wasn’t going to want to see me. In fact, there was pretty good chance he had told Nan and CJ all the awful things I had said and done, and they wouldn’t want to see me either. I wouldn’t blame any of them if that was the case, but I absolutely had to try.

I wanted a future with these people, and if I didn’t try now, I might as well kiss it goodbye forever.

Raising my hand to knock solidly on the door, I heard Bo start barking before my knuckles met wood. Animals always knew things before people did. I pressed on anyway, making three sharp raps on the door before stepping back and slipping my hand back into Every’s.

Sensing my emotions, or maybe she could just hear my heart beating recklessly in my chest, Every commented, but didn’t raise her voice above a delicate whisper. “Someone’s coming.”

Someone was coming, indeed. There was a soft murmur shushing Bo, and then the sound of footsteps on the wood floor, making their way to the front of the house to answer the door.

Every squeezed my hand, an outrageous gesture of comfort for a three year old to give a grown woman, and the action catapulted me back to the memory of walking onto this porch with Coleman hand in hand. I had been nervous then too, and he had done the same thing, squeezing my hand in a silent showing of support.

Pulling a deep breath through my nose, I brought my focus out of my memories and back to the sounds of someone coming to answer the door.

Time seemed to slow down as I saw the knob start to turn, and the solid rectangle of the door slipped out of its perfectly fitted frame.

My eyes started at the bottom, taking in cowboy boots and working their way up a pair of faded jeans, over the big buckle securing his belt, up his t-shirt covered abdomen and chest, and finally, straight into the eyes of CJ.

CJ.

Disappointed isn’t the right word to describe what I felt because I truly wanted to see CJ, to give him a big hug. To apologize for all of my insecurities and wrongs perpetrated.

But I really
needed
to see Coleman. To apologize to him. To try and make him give me another chance.

To tell him that I loved him.

CJ took me in, and it only took him a fraction of a second to choke out a startled, but excited, “Roni?”

Before I could say anything, I saw his eyes follow the line of my arm all the way down to Every, back up to me, and then repeat the whole exercise, all within a matter of seconds.

A slow smirk started to take over one corner of his mouth as he murmured, “Well. I’m thinkin’ me and Nan just got some answers to a few of our questions.”

He stepped back into the house and swung the door wide, gesturing with his arm for us to come into the house. “Come on in Roni. I think it’s about time everybody started talkin’. Don’t you?”

I was in complete agreement, and I was glad they were letting me in the house. That was a good first step. I nodded my head, and he wasted no time turning his attention downward to my shorter counterpart. “Hey there. I’m CJ. What’s your name?”

Every responded naturally and breezily, much wiser than her three years. “My name is Every Russo. You have eyes just like Colemand Cade.”

CJ chuckled before answering, “Well, that’s because he’s my dad.”

Every nodded sagely, jerked a thumb in my direction, and informed him, “She’s my mom.”

Seeing the two of them interact was one of the best things I had ever witnessed. It warmed my chest and made my skin tingle.

Still, my heart was thrumming, and as much as I tried, I couldn’t hold back the question that had been clawing its way up my throat since the moment I had laid eyes on CJ.

“Where’s Coleman? Is he here?”

CJ straightened, looked me squarely in the eyes, and then weighed his options. I could tell he was going to answer me with the truth, but that he didn’t know the best way to put it.

His eyes flickered, a sign that his decision had been made, and then he spoke, enunciating each word carefully and softly. “He’s at the cemetery.”

My first reaction was to panic, several crazy thoughts running through my head.

Omg, was Nan okay? Had she had a turn for the worse? How could they have not called me?

Thankfully, sanity returned, and I didn’t voice any of these crazy things to CJ before thinking it through.

Right on cue, I flashed back to my conversation with Nan.

“It’s good to see the light back in your eyes, dear.”

“Huh? I don’t know what you mean.”

“Oh, Sweetie. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Trust me, I know.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I used to be you.”

“I’d tell you straight out if I thought you were ready to know, but you’re not. If I tell you now, you’ll just run...Okay. I’ll tell you this. Look at my family. Look closely. What do you see? Or maybe, more appropriately, what don’t you see?”

“Don’t worry, dear. You’ll understand at some point.”

Somehow, it was all clear. Even as I questioned CJ, my eyes started to do a scan of the room, looking for the answer all on their own.

“He’s at your grandfather’s grave?”

CJ looked a little surprised by my knowledge, or more like my ability to make an educated guess, but he hid it quickly. I watched him swallow, the apple of his throat bobbing with the action, before he gave me one single nod.

An affirmative.

Coleman was at his father’s grave. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed his absence sooner. Coleman was young. Of course his father should still be around.

I felt a hand on my arm, CJ’s hand, a touch that was super light- just enough to bring my attention back to him. His voice was low, but even, as he added, “My grandfather. And my uncle.”

Oh, Jesus.

After that revelation, my actions were purely instinctual and reactionary. An outsider would have guessed that there was something seriously wrong with me, the way my eyes jerkily and hastily transitioned from one thing to the other. The first stop was a brief moment of grief, my eyes closed tight and secure as the implications of his statement flashed through my mind. Next, they opened and moved straight to CJ, imploring him to feel my condolence, to understand the sincerity of emotion that I felt for him.

After a brief stop on Every to make sure she was holding together okay, my eyes moved wildly around the room, taking in all the frames that I had never gotten around to studying. It was all there in a series of glossy five by sevens.

The Cades. Nan and her husband, their
two
sons, and a very young CJ.

No wonder Nan had claimed to know my pain and struggles.

She freaking did.

And now, in the light of Every’s ongoing existence, she knew it worse than me. Because her child wasn’t coming back. Coleman was visiting the very grave in the cemetery that proved it.

“A drunk driver hit them on their way home one night. They had gone to Nebraska, Uncle Johnny was riding in a rodeo there. My dad would have gone with them, but I was sick, and well, he didn’t want to leave me. Nan offered to take care of me, but my dad took his responsibility seriously.”

God, the loss they had experienced.

He must have been in hell worrying about his mother. He had already lost so much, his father and a brother.

There was no way he was going to forgive me for the way I acted.

I was going to be sick. I could feel it, the uneasiness churning in my stomach, just waiting for an excuse to come up.

The sadness was overwhelming, and I had the urge to fight back, to try to drown the sadness with anger. The Banty rooster inside me was trying to scratch its way out, itching for a battle. I wanted to ask why the hell no one had told me, but I knew the answer, and once again, it painted me quite clearly in all of my selfish light.

I hadn’t asked. I hadn’t asked one goddamn thing because I was afraid it would open up a discussion about me. Coleman asked about me all the time, but not me. I never asked.

And on top of that, Nan had said it best. If she’d told me, if they had told me, I would have run.

Anything to stick my head deeper in the sand.

Well, that was over.

No more fucking running.

I was going to face my problems head on, and I was going to get Coleman to forgive me. He had to forgive me.

I loved him.

Oh, yeah. And I was pretty sure that I was pregnant with his baby.