Impulse (22 page)

Is that love and I are like water and oil. Put the two together, blend well, and you get Quaker State quicksand.

The truth is, I don't have a real clue what love is--how to find it, how to give it. Once upon a time I thought I knew.

But all I really understood was sex. Sex and love, I've discovered, are not the same thing. Life is so complex!

Sex. Love. Athletics. Academics. My belief in all of those things is completely shaken. I consider controlled substance relief, think better of it. I'm so tired, I know I'll sleep tonight, wake up feeling energized, ready to go ahead, conquer the Challenge, 597

602

get out of this place, move ahead with some sort of a life. Right? My head is all jumbled. I feel spent. Dizzy. Nauseous. Numb.

Hey, Con,
says Tony.
Do you

feel okay? Your face is white as milk.
His goofy grin does

not conceal his concern.

Which irritates me somehow. Guess I'll change the subject. "So what deep, dark secret did you not break down and confess?" 598

603

Secrets

Yeah, I've still got one or two that none of the good doctors managed to pry out. "What's the worst thing you've ever done?"

Vanessa's eyes glaze, like she's slipped into a trance.

She considers something, shakes her head, tight-lipped.

Finally, she settles on this:
I killed someone. I didn
'
t know

him, but I loved him.
She shivers, chilled from the inside out.

I don't understand. "How can you love someone you don't even know?" And please, please, Vanessa, tell me who.

She thinks a minute, then admits,

I should have known better than to get pregnant, but I

thought maybe it would bring
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the father and me closer When I told Trevor he said to get an abortion. He wouldn
'
t help pay for it, wouldn
'
t even hold

my hand while I waited to do that god-awful thing. I went alone, except for the baby inside me. It may sound odd, but I did love that little blob. Still I made it die. And when I think too hard about it, my insides hurt.
Trying not to cry,

Vanessa trembles, and Tony

wraps her with his arms. Go
ahead and cry, right here.
She lets her face collapse against his chest. 600

605

I Never Expected

Such total, painful honesty Can I be as forthright? I've never told this story to anyone, not even Dr. B.

"I killed someone too. She was our au pair, and her name was Leona...." I know I should

stop there, but somehow I can't.

"I was twelve when she first came to my bed. She taught me

all I ever needed to know, fed my hunger for touch, my need for love. Leona was my night, my day. I thought I'd go crazy if she was out of my sight for more than a few

hours. When I found out she had another boyfriend--a real, grown-up boyfriend--I threatened to tell my mother everything. 601

606

Please don
'
t tell,
she begged.
I
'
ll never find another position.
Like I was going to let her go. I made up my mind to tell her boyfriend instead. He caused an intense scene in our kitchen.

As Leona stormed off, she said,

One day you
'
ll have the sense to know what you
'
ve done.
She

sped away, and into a brick wall.

I didn't cry when I heard she was dead." I'd like to cry now.

Don't know how. 602

607

I
'
ve heard Confession

Is good for the soul. Not sure that's so, but what the hell? It might not make me feel better, but it should make Vanessa and Conner

feel better about their own guilt trips. "I killed someone too. But I didn't love him. I hated him with a passion. You were twelve when you lost

your virginity? I was eight, and I lost it to Larry. I already told you that, and I told you I hurt him pretty bad. Truth is, I killed his sorry ass. 603

608

He kept a gun in a lockbox inside his car. Dumb shit never bothered to lock the lockbox. I knew

that because a couple of times, he pulled out the gun to threaten my ma. One day, after a particularly bad night with Larry I walked out to his car, found the gun under the seat.

Ma had fixed him pancakes for breakfast. I walked into the kitchen, took dead aim at his Aunt Jemima mouth, and pulled the trigger." 604

609

The Whole Rotten Truth

Right out in the open. And only now it occurs to me that it might mean Vanessa turning her back on me. I hold her even tighter, look into her eyes, hoping to find compassion. "Please tell me you don't hate me."
Oh, Tony,
she says,
I could never hate you. I understand why you did what you did.

Okay,
everyone, break it up,
calls Sean. We've got another
big day
tomorrow.

I wish I could sit here all night, holding Vanessa, kissing her. More.

But she pulls away.
Guess that
'
s my cue. No worries, Tony. I still love you.
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"Love you, too." I watch her slow retreat, filled to the brim with loving her.

Conner taps my shoulder.
Hey, Tony. Guess what. I don
'
t think you
'
re gay.
It's an amazing concept, and so new. "You know, you just might be right."

We both crawl into our sleeping bags, and into our own little worlds. I bet Conner's thinking about Leona. But there's only one person on my mind. 606

611

Actually, There Are Two

As everyone else falls into Snorezone, I'm still thinking about Vanessa and what she means to me. As I do, Phillip creeps into my thoughts. "You'd like her," I tell him, very very quietly, so no one hears me talking to the dead. "She's incredible, not

that she's perfect. But you once said imperfections create character. She's got character, all right. And, as you know, I lean way toward imperfection myself. 607

612

I was really confused about this for a while. Genetics versus learned (or forced) behavior and all. But it sure feels real. Sure feels right.

I've never felt so right before. Never felt so in love before. In fact, except for you, Phillip, I can't remember ever feeling love for anyone."

Now an old memory of Phillip floats into foggy view.
Tony, I
'
ve never known anyone as deserving of love as you. When it finds you, don
'
t question it.
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613

I'm Lying Here Shivering

But not because of the weather. I'm shivering in a frigid indigo sea. Lithium won't help this slice of depression. Thinking about the baby always drops me here. It would be a real baby now, a perfect piece of defective me.

Still, all that was completely my own fault. I think of Conner, whose nanny decided to make him a man. Who knows what sort of damage she did to his psyche.

And then there's Tony, who spent his childhood locked up because of some pervert. He should be a terrible person. Instead, he's the sweetest, least selfish guy I've ever known. How can that be? 609

614

And how can it be he's so in love with me? To grow up without love, and still

have so much inside? Just think who he might have been, had everything been different for him. Of course, then I wouldn't

know him now. Love him now.

As everything falls very quiet, something silent calls to me.

Will the damnable steel never leave me alone, never quit whispering sweet nothings to me?

615

I Wake, Thankful

I didn't give in to temptation, hunt for a knife in the dark of camp, even though I wanted to so badly. Will I ever completely lose the urge to mutilate myself

Everyone up and at
'
em,
urges

Raven.
Are we gonna have

fun today! Today, we learn to climb. You all up for that?

A chorus of halfhearted "sures" and "okays" answers her. But personally, I'm ready. "Come on, you guys. Rock climbing is awesome." Like I have a clue.

Not just climbing, but spelunking, too. There
'
s an outrageous cave not far
from here. But first, you

have to master the fine art

called rappelling.
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Like all art, it takes a certain touch to do it well. And before we
'
re through, you will all do it well. Won
'
t you?

This time she mostly gets groans for answers. Only Tony seems almost as enthusiastic as I am.

He stands, salutes her.
Yes, ma
'
am, we will all do it well.
He grins in my direction.
You really want to do this, don
'
t you?

I nod. "Don't ask me why. Maybe a little of my dad has rubbed off on me, after all." 612

617

Raven Guides Us

To the base of a semishort rock outcropping. First we go up, then we rappel down, I assume.

First you go up, then

you rappel down. But the very first thing you

need to learn is how to belay your climbing

partner This simple

technique can save a life.

Everyone buddy up.

For the next two hours, we learn how about ropes, carabiners, and ATCs; crotch loops, leg loops, and slider buckles. Most important, we learn about the guide hand, the brake hand, and how the two interact. Finally Raven asks for volunteers. My (guide) hand shoots up. 613

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Dahlia has little choice but to go along.
You bitch.

If I die, I
'
m coming back
to get you, too. Don
'
t think

I won
'
t be up for it I
'
m

half-thinking about it now.

"Fine. You want to be leader or stay down here?" She chooses the latter, and I start to climb, looking for hand and footholds. It's not so difficult, and I feel relatively safe in my harness, with Dahlia hopefully keeping the line slack-free and controlled.

"This is easy," I call. And it is.

So far. 614

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We Spend All Day

Feeding rope to our buddies, then taking our own turns, scraping and scrapping up rocks. Right now, winded and aching,

I'm taking a breather, high above the blossoming playa. I swear I can take in a thousand square miles of view. Too bad it just looks like a sea of nothing. I should feel accomplishment. But all I feel is numb. Numb and weary, to a surreal degree.

Hey, Conner,
calls Tony.
Ready? It
'
s our turn to rappel.
"Coming." Ready or not, I stand and make myself steady

my trembling legs. I can't believe how weak I am.
Hey, man,
observes my buddy.
You look like you
'
re gonna heave.
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I feel like it too, but I can't admit it. "No worries. I'm fine."
You sure? You don
'
t want to be dangling midair feeling like shit.

Anger flashes like lightning. "I said I'm fucking fine." Tony stays cool.
Okay, man. It
'
s all yours. Go ahead.

I climb into the harness, fix my ropes just how Raven showed us. Then I lower myself over the edge, thrust myself toward the ground. 616

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It's a Shaky Ride

But I manage it without puking. One by one, the others follow, whooping like they're actually having fun. Jerks.

Vanessa comes up to me, grinning, softly kisses my

cheek.
Wasn
'
t that amazing?

My head
'
s kind of spinning, but the rest of me feels great.
She lays one gentle hand on my shoulder, and I notice how

sunlight plays, gold, on her skin.

Suddenly I want her to pull me in, hold me close, absorb me like oxygen. Suddenly I feel lost. Alone.

What's wrong with me? This girl is an angel, and I had every chance to love her. Why must I rebel against the idea of love? 617

622

Now here comes Tony, so in love with her it's all over his face. He gives me an easy shove.
Putting the moves on my girl?

A green wave of envy washes over me. Ludicrous! I might want her, but he deserves her. "Save it, Ceccarelli. I tried to steal her from you, but the best she'd do was give me a rain check. I strongly suggest you take good care of her."

Sean interrupts our banter.
Great job, everyone. Now we
'
d

better get moving. Surprises

await you all at camp.
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The First Surprise

Is the two-mile walk to reach our new campsite. We hike up a narrow canyon, between
two
hulking granite walls.

The grade is relatively steep and I was tired before we began. No matter how hard I try; I just can't keep up.

Tony falls back and walks beside me.
Long day, huh?
His presence persuades me to lengthen my stride.

"Pretty damn long, all right. I think I need a vacation." He grins.
This
is
your vacation. What I need is a shower I stink.

He does. We all do. "Water and soap? What a civilized concept."
Me? Civilized?
He sniffs his armpits.

Nope. Not even close.
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Finally Sean signals us to stop and make camp. We repeat our well-practiced routine, then I tramp out in the brush to piss.