Impulse (21 page)

This time it isn't Conner who volunteers. (And what was up with
him,
anyway?) 573

578

This time, Lori steps to the front of the line.
I
'
ll go. Always good to get these things over with.

Raven helps her shrug into a harness as Sean

crosses to the other side.

Slowly. One foot in front of the next. No problem.

Do it just like that,
Raven

says.
Ready? Go for it.

Cautiously, head high, eyes straight ahead, Lori does exactly like Sean did, crossing without hesitation. Across the gorge, she turns and yells,
Awesome!
574

579

Justin Goes Second

And as we watch, Tony

comes up to me.
You good with
this? Doesn
'
t look

too awful. Of course,

Conner would tell me my

false sense of security is due to too many drugs.

"Could be. So can I have some? Cops. Slip of the tongue. What I meant was, can I have some drugs?"

Tony laughs.
Feel free to

Slip your tongue any time, long as you slip it my way.

But seriously, you feel

okay about doing this?

Justin has reached the other side. He turns, grinning, and waves. "If he can do it, I can do it." I lower my voice. "But what about Conner?" 575

580

He says he c fine, that he just felt a little queasy for a second or two. He also

said if he stops halfway one of us should push him over the side. He was at least half joking.

A crack in his rock. solid armor? "I figured he'd be the first one to master every challenge out here. Do you really think he's okay?"

Tony turns to look at Conner, standing off alone---his new MO.

No, Vanessa,
he says.
I don
'
t think so at all.
576

581

As If to Prove Him Wrong

Conner strides over to Raven, climbs into a harness and, without a single misstep, handles the gorge like it was nothing more than a drainage ditch. "Okay then. Guess I'll go next."

Tony lays a hand on my shoulder.
Vanessa? Just in case you or I don
'
t make it...
He grins, then leans his face toward mine,
please remember this.
His lips, chapped and cold, find mine. His kiss is sweet, filled with emotion.
Love you.

I expect repercussions-- a warning from Raven, a catcall from Dahlia. But either no one noticed or no one cared. "I love you, too, Tony. Now wish me luck." 577

582

The harness is heavier than I thought it would be-- it makes me feel fairly secure. At least I'm pretty sure I won't end up at the bottom of the gorge, no matter what the bridge does.

As she helps me into it,

Raven says,
You and Tony

getting serious? I had a different idea about him, you know.

"Yeah, I know. So did I, once." 578

583

Feeling Pumped Tonight

All of us are. Conquering the gorge was exhilarating. For me, it was necessary. Proving I could forge across without flinching means just about everything at the moment. Tonight, I really believe I can make it without meds.

After a delicious meal of pot roast mush, we break into little groups. Justin and Sean go off to talk about life, post-Challenge.

Raven joins Dahlia and Lori's conversation about safe sex, and if there's any such thing (other than masturbation).

Interesting, I guess, but not the right group for me. For once on this trip, I don't want to spend the night sitting alone. 579

584

Which leaves Tony and Vanessa. "Mind if I sit with you two?"
Thought you
'
d never ask,
says Tony.
You
'
ve been kind of antisocial.

Vanessa chides,
Leave him alone or he
'
ll go away!
"I guess I have been sulky. I'm prone to that, you know."

If we didn
'
t know it before, we sure do now.
Tony smiles.

Anyway, we were just discussing

your poor cure for acrophobia.
580

585

It Takes a Minute

To catch his drift. "Oh, you mean heaving me over the side? It was a much better option than leaving me hanging there."

Probably right,
agrees Tony.
Think how nasty you would have been by the time we headed back. Bet you
'
d really stink.

"In case you haven't noticed, I don't smell very damn good right now." The whole truth, and nothing but. Oh frigging well.

I think you smell like roses,
Tony jokes.
Decomposing roses, that is, like a perfumed bathroom at an old folks
'
home.

G-ross!
Vanessa wrinkles up her nose.
And anyway, just how

would you know how that smells?

You ever been in one of those?
581

586

Not exactly.
Tony grows serious.

But I
'
ve spent time with someone

fading toward death--held his hand, inhaled the scent of living

flesh as it rots away. An old

folks
'
home must smell the same,
and no air freshener could

disguise that odor It chokes

you, gags you, but you have to pretend that you
'
re doing

just fine, not trembling with
fear because the end is close.

You can feel death hovering, waiting for his very last breath, his final shudder; anticipating taking him away.
502

587

He's Talking About Phillip

Vanessa and I remain silent until Tony stops talking, quiets completely. A sudden chill massages my spine. Ghosts?

Ghosts, spirits, or just unfocused me, suddenly I want to know more about Phillip--what, exactly, he meant to Tony.

"I'm sorry you lost Phillip," I try. "Tell me more about him. Were the two of you in love?" Tony wants to cry.

But he doesn't.
I loved

Phillip, yes, and he loved

me. But we weren
'
t in love, not the way you might guess.

We met in the park. He was out for a walk and I was panhandling strangers, bumming

change, hoping for a score,
583

588

even if that meant offering up my body. Phillip rescued me, took me home, took me in, but never tried to have sex with me.

He treated me like a son--
his own son wouldn
'
t talk to his old gay dad--and I let him

be the father I
'
d never known.

Phillip had AIDS and didn
'
t want to die alone. You might think

that
'
s selfish, but he gave the world to me and I will always

cherish him.
584

589

No Sex with Phillip

Is that what Conner wanted to hear? How about Vanessa? Did she wonder about that too? Probably, and I guess it might have been a fair assumption, considering everyone (except maybe Vanessa) thinks I'm totally gay. "So are you surprised that I didn't sleep with Phillip?"

Conner is slow to answer, but Vanessa speaks right up.
Not really. I guess the thought might have crossed my mind, but it didn
'
t matter
585

590

I admire your friendship with Phillip. I never had a friend that I cared so much about. Not, at least, until I met you. I wish I could have met him.

"I wish you could have too. He would have loved you, almost as much as I do." At this moment, my love for her is almost overwhelming.

Finally Conner says, pointedly,
I
'
m confused. Are you gay? 81? In between? Do you want to have sex with Vanessa or just be her friend?
586

591

I Have to Admit

I'm pretty confused myself. I look at Conner, remember the attraction I felt the first time I saw him. Where did that

come from, if I'm not gay, or at least bi? I did ask Dr. Starr once if molestation could cause homosexual feelings later in life.

Some studies suggest a certain correlation,
she said,
but there is no scientific proof to support that. Truth is, we really don
'
t know
587

592

exactly what influences

sexual preference. Environment? Genetics? Perhaps a combination of the two? Does it really even matter?

Only when you're as messed up as me, I guess. Meanwhile, both Conner and Vanessa are staring, waiting for an answer.

"Do I need a label? I told you once I've never had the chance to be with a girl, so how will I know for sure until I get that chance?" 568

593

I Don't Know What I Am

But suddenly, certainly, I want the chance to find out. And suddenly, certainly, I need to know, "Do I need a label, Vanessa? Is it important to you?"

She moves even closer, so close, we're attached.
If it were, would I be here, next to you? hove you for the person I
'
ve discovered under your skin.

I don't feel cold anymore. Not outside, not inside. That space, frozen and dead for as long as I can remember, has thawed, come alive. 569

594

Another part of me comes alive, and it strikes me that I might not know what to do with it, if Vanessa--or any girl-- offers me the chance.

I've never "given," only been forced to "take." I've never had sex, gift-wrapped with love. "What's it like?" I ask. "Making love to someone?"

Vanessa takes my hand.
I thought I knew, once or twice before, but now I see there was no love at all between us. I won
'
t know until I make love to you.
590

595

Did I Just Say That?

With Conner there? Conner, who not so very long ago I thought I wanted to hook up with? Instead, I find myself head over heels in love with-- and desperately wanting to make love to--"no labels" Tony. My palms break out in a nervous sweat and I whisper, "You don't have a razor blade on you, do you?"

You don
'
t mean that, do you?
Tony almost pleads.
Vanessa, you
'
ve stopped the cutting, haven
'
t you? Please tell me you
'
ve stopped.

"No worries. I was only kidding." But I realize that isn't the truth. 591

596

For the last three or four years, I've dealt with every nervous moment in my life by slipping away to a quiet place and opening my skin. It's been a ritual, and for some insane reason, I want to go there now.

Tony seems to intuit

my thoughts.
You sure

you were only kidding?

Because if you want to cut because of me, I
'
ll

step out of your life so fast!

"If you do that," I say, meaning every word to follow,

"I'll never stop cutting, lithium or no lithium. Only love can make me quit." 592

597

Do I Really Mean That?

Only time will tell, I suppose. Anyway, who knows what will happen between Tony and me? For now, I'll make myself satisfied to sit beside him, believing he really loves me. I glance over at Conner, handsome, self-assured Conner, who tonight looks like a lost little boy.

"Hey. You okay?" He smiles a sad, strange smile.
Yeah, I
'
m fine. Just thinking about love and the strange places you sometimes find it-- or at least think you do.

You mean like with Emily?
Tony asks.
Who was
she,
anyway? And what happened between the two of you?
593

598

Conner hesitates, then launches a lurid tale of loving his English teacher and the inevitable consequences of being in love with an older woman.

What about you and Dr. B?
queries Tony.
The two of you looked pretty tight. Was there any love there, or just lust?

No love, plenty of lust, at least as far as I was concerned. I thought for a while
she might feel the same way.

But nothing sexual happened between Heather and me.
594

599

How Did Tony

Pick up on that? I swear, I never noticed a thing between Conner and Dr. Boston--or should I call her Heather? Holy moley! I wonder if Conner's attraction to older women is why he cooled so completely toward me. Not much I could do about that. Anyway, I don't think he's "relationship" material, and I'm really not in the market for another one-sided fling. Still, I'm curious. "So have you ever fallen in love with someone your own age?"

Conner looks me directly in the eye.
One or two,
he says.
But I
'
m poison.
595

600

As the old saying goes,

"
sometimes loving someone

means letting them go.
"

Bullshit!
says Tony. His grip on my hand tightens, and I sense impatience in my ever- patient best friend.
Love means holding on to someone just as hard as you can because if you don
'
t, one blink and they might disappear

forever.
596

601

What Tony Doesn't Get