Authors: Ellen Hopkins
Tags: #Illnesses & Injuries, #Diseases, #Values & Virtues, #Interpersonal Relations, #Suicide, #Social Issues, #Psychology, #Friendship, #Health & Daily Living, #Self-Esteem & Self-Reliance, #Parents, #General, #Depression & Mental Illness, #Mental Illness, #Novels in verse, #Psychiatric hospitals, #Family, #Fiction, #Juvenile Fiction
I return to surprise number two--candy bars, nuts, and beef jerky, to supplement our roast turkey, stuffing, and gravy goo.
After dinner, Raven offers yet a third surprise.
Letters from home.
She passes them out like treasure, in the absurd belief
that everyone wants theirs. 620
625
The First Letter
I've ever gotten (except for a couple from the state of Nevada) is from my pa. He never even wrote me when I was in lockup. What can he have to say now?
The others withdraw into neutral corners. But I need moral support. I go over to Vanessa. "May I sit next to you? I promise not to read over your shoulder."
She pats the ground beside her.
Of course you can sit here. I don
'
t really want to be alone right now either. Besides...
she puffs into the cold air.
You
'
re warm.
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626
Somehow she doesn't notice the smell of today's exertions. Maybe she's olfactory challenged. Or maybe she just doesn't care.
And somehow, her own earthy scent turns me on. I move my leg so it touches hers, ankle to thigh. Her body heat turns me on even more.
Completely turned on, by a girl. The strangest
thing about feeling this way is thinking I've never
really
been turned on before--by anyone. 622
627
It's So New
My body telling me it really, truly wants sex. It's so new, knowing initiating sex can and will be up to me. I will never be forced to again.
It's so new, this woman thing, yet it doesn't feel
foreign. It feels like where I've always belonged. It's so new, equating sex with emotion. With love.
Again, I think of Phillip, the only person I've ever
felt anything like love for. And I'm sure he's smiling.
About Vanessa. About my being able to love her. 623
628
About the letter in my hand. More than once, he encouraged me to try and contact my pa, but I always refused.
Stubborn as
tar Phillip called me.
Are you going to open that or what?
Vanessa says, rattling the envelope in her own hand.
I
'
ll open mine if you open yours, okay? Ready? One, two...
As we slit the seals, I wonder why she has hesitated this long. What secrets of her own is she still hiding? Will she ever share them with me? 624
629
I Start to Read
Dear Anthony, not long ago you
told me you'd have to think about forgiving
me. I hope you have
found it in your heart to do so. I won't repeat the reasons why I kept
silent for so long. But
I will reiterate my deep
remorse for not being a better father to you.
You may not believe
this, but I'm proud of you. After all you've
risen to every challenge.
including the ones you're
Facing out there in the wilderness. I know
you've risen to them, because in our few short
times together, I've come to see what a truly strong
man you are. Stronger than me. Please allow
me the time to get to know
you. Please allow me the time to grow to love
you, and for you to grow to love me.
630
Thought My Letter
Would be from Grandma. It's not:
Dearest Nessa,
As you kNow, I'm Not much of a letter writer. But for oNce the words seem to be comiNg easier, here oN paper. WheN I saw you at Easter, I couldN't believe how growN-up you were. It got me thiNkiNg how much we've lost, with me away all the time. I wish I could chaNge what has happeNed iN the past. I caN't so all that's left is to look to the future.
I had hoped your mother would get well oNe day. But wheN we visited her at the hospital, they told me her catatoNia is likely permaNeNt. She will Never come home. So I sill request for a stateside traNsfer has beeN graNted. I'll be home. For good oNce I fiNish this tour of duty
631
I also kNow how much you hated moviNg all the time. DoN't worry we'll stay with my mother, at least uNtil you go off to college. We caN talk about that later, though. Right Now, I just waNt to you to kNow that I will be there for you from Now oNe.
I caN't wait to hear about your experieNces, bivouackiNg iN the Black Rock. Will you show me arouNd the place, oNe day sooN?
Love, Daddy 627
632
Tony Sighs
Echoing my own feelings. He reaches for my hand, and I gratefully slide mine into the warmth of his. "You okay?"
Yeah, I think so. It
'
s just. kind of confusing.
"What is?"
He lifts my hand to his full, soft lips.
Everything.
Three months ago I didn
'
t have a father
Didn
'
t have you. Didn
'
t even have a clear
idea of me. All that has
changed, and I
'
m scared.
"Why, Tony?"
Because before I had nothing to lose. Now I
'
ve got everything to lose
if I somehow flick this up.
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633
"Life is all about change.
If it were static, think about how boring it would
be. You can't be afraid of it, and you can't worry
that you'll mess things up.
You deserve good things, and I want to be one them."
I glance around. Everyone
seems lost in their own little universe, so I take a big
chance, turning my face up toward Tony's. My eyes
tell him what I'm too nervous to say out loud: Kiss me.
634
Tony's Kiss
Is like no other kiss, ever. It wants, but does not demand. It asks, but doesn't take. It gives, and pleads for more. It is filled with desire, but also curiosity, and it teaches me that a kiss should come gift wrapped, not stripped naked. Most of all, it makes me want another kiss exactly like this one. It will not be tonight.
Okay, you two, break it up,
commands Sean.
Six pairs of eyes have turned in our direction, and we are rewarded with a couple of catcalls. We slide a little apart, but not that far. And now, there is so much more between us. 630
635
Complete connection
, in one innocent kiss.
Okay, maybe not totally innocent. Desire stings my body, in places I've half- forgotten exist. But I have to play cool.
Five pairs of eyes continue to chaperone
us. One pair studies
us, digests what it has
seen, then quickly returns to the letter, grasped tightly, tensely, in muscular hands.
Conner's hands.
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636
Unbelievable
When I heard we had letters from home, an insane little part of me hoped mine might bring some sliver of affection. Instead:
Conner: Hope all is going
well for you, and that your
time in the outback had kept
you fit. You must excel at your
Football tryouts. They expect
you to fail. I'm sure, however, you'll prove them very wrong.
One small detail, which I'll mention
here: You have some makeup work to do to keep you on track for early graduation. If you
pursue it diligently this summer, you won't have to play catch-up in the fall. By the way, your father and I have sent applications to all the colleges on our list.
All you have to do is maintain
Your GPA and, of course, score
well on your entrance exams.
Not really much more to say except to let you know Cara
has already been accepted at Stanford. You can do as well.
After all, you're her twin. Mom.
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637
Same Old Mom
Same ugly comparisons between Cara and me. Same expectations, and what did she mean, "on
our
list"?
Sean interrupts my reverie.
Okay, you two, break it up.
He means Vanessa and Tony, and when I glance their way
I catch the end of a kiss. Another slap of jealousy catches me off guard, jerks my head in the other direction.
My eyes fall to the paper clutched in my hands. I can't remember one time my mom's lips touched a part of my face.
Surely not my own lips--shades of incest. But neither did she ever kiss my cheek or even my forehead. Oh, to be blessed 633
638
by a kiss like the one I just witnessed. I'd trade every kiss
I've stolen for one, given like that. Who could have guessed
such a thing would happen between Vanessa and Tony--
two fractured people, healed
(perhaps) by unforeseen, not to mention unlikely, love. I'm more than jealous. I'm downright covetous. I can't think about it anymore.
Can't think about Cara, Stanford, football. Can't think about my
parents, grades, test scores. Can't
think about any of that at all. 634
639
I Fold the Letter
Into a perfect paper airplane, take a walk under sequined night sky; try to silence the chatter in my brain.
The sound of cheerful voices drifts toward me from camp. Their letters are tucked into pockets and sleeping bags, gifts.
Rewards for accomplishments and, with any luck at all, change. But nothing has changed for me. I'll go home to the same grand
house in the same manicured neighborhood. (Except for the new
neighbors at the end of the block.
Exorcism, "for my own good.")
I'll go home to expectations no way I can live up to, no longer want to. But I've never had a say about my future. 635
640
I close my eyes, and all I can see is my mother's face. Sculpted. Beautiful. Angry. So often angry.
And I am so much like her. A grenade of my own anger explodes inside my head. I am damaged. Decayed.
A gust of wind roughs up my hair. The paper airplane
sits heavy in my hand. I cock
back my arm, release, let it fly
straight to hell.
641
Swim Up into Morning
And thoughts of Vanessa, reaching up to kiss me. I sit up, look for her, but she's nowhere in sight, and a strange jolt of worry strikes.
"Come on, Tony," I tell myself. "She's just off for her morning..." Finishing the thought seems voyeuristic. What's up with me?
Hey, you.
Vanessa's voice sneaks over my shoulder, settles softly in my ear.
Did you know you snore?
She moves around in front of me, eyes lifting to mine. 637
642
"Me? Snore? You must have me confused with someone else!" I answer the shake of her head with a smile. "Well, why were you listening, anyway?"
I couldn
'
t sleep. I kept thinking about this guy and how good a kisser he was and how much I wanted to kiss him again. Even if he did snore.
God, I love her. She is just the most incredible person I've ever known. Funny. Smart. Pretty. One day, very soon, I want to do more than kiss her. 638
643
But Right Now
Everyone's staring, like they're reading my mind or something. I excuse myself for my own a.m. stroll. I return to gossip and breakfast, in that order.
Lori
'
s mom and dad are getting back together,
Dahlia informs us all.
It was my fault they broke up in the first place,
Lori explains.
No pressure there!
Justin launches a sermon.
Just give it to the Lord, He
'
ll see you through.
Hey, Raven,
calls Dahlia.
Any candy bars left? I love chocolate for breakfast!
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644
Blah, blah, blah. Only Conner is quiet. Sulky. Pissed, even. The look on his face is hard to decipher. But I'm guessing his letter was less than inspirational.
"Hey, Conner," I call. "Don't tell me my snoring kept you awake too!" I expect a grin. A finger. Something. But he just sits there.
Half of me wants to go over and hug him. The other half wants to shake him. Both halves agree he wants to be left alone. 640
645
Both Halves Decide
To leave Conner alone. Anyway, it's time to start off the day with a delicious MRE and a cup of black coffee. The breakfast of warriors.
Okay, listen up,
Raven barks.
You all dida fantastic job yesterday. I think you
'
ve all got the hang of climbing, so to speak. Tomorrow
we
'
ll explore the cave I told you about. You
'
ll have to rappel a long way down into a very dark cavern. Then you
'
ll have to climb back up out.
Before we can trust you to do that, we want to test your skills.
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646
Today we
'
ll practice on some very tall, very steep granite walls.
It is imperative that you double-check your equipment and knots before you begin your ascent. I
'
ll take lead today. Sean will hang
out below. Be sure to have him inspect your ropes before you start to climb. We don
'
t want to have to scrape what
'
s left of you off the rocks.
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647
Watching Raven
Climb gives me the chills. She works and works for holds in the megalithic wall, fixes protection at strategic points along the way. Up. Up. Up. Makes me dizzy, just looking up that high. So why am I so excited, knowing my turn is coming?
If you smile any wider,
you
'
re going to crack
your face right in half
Tony drapes an arm around my shoulder.
You really like this stuff
don
'
t you?
"Yeah. And it definitely surprises me. I've never been much of a thrill seeker..." Except in my manic phases. And the thrills I sought were nothing like this. 643