In Darkness Lost (6 page)

It settled heavily over my shoulders, but it felt warm and good against my uncovered arms and shoulders. I was ready. I would be crowned today, and become Queen of my people. I would lead them into battle, and we would be victorious. I had to believe it when I was dressed like this. I could do anything now.

We sat side by side in the little three-walled shack.

 Dairdra had insisted on coming to the front herself to see the damage done to the fortresses and men.

 It heartened the soldiers to see their young queen, vibrant and lovely, dressed like them and striding through the fort examining everything.

 I had to admit that I was against the idea of her going to the front. It was hard to protect her there, and if she had stayed in the palace, I would have had an easier time of it. I didn’t want her hurt, but she seemed intent on making it nearly impossible to keep her safe. She often walked along the buttresses, gazing down at the soldiers of Cyril encamped before the fortress.

 My gaze flitted over her quickly, taking in the rosiness of her cheeks and the sparkle in her eyes. She was enjoying being among the men and boys who fought to protect her and Argent. She needed to see that people wanted her, that her presence heartened them.

 Perhaps it made her feel helpful to be out examining the forts so that she could form strategies later. I figured it would make me feel a little more useful too. Especially if every soldier in the fort was getting a boost in confidence just because I was there.

 Dairdra looked over at me. “You aren’t happy. Why not?”

 “We’re at war, my Queen. Why should I be happy?”

 “No, Crypt. You’re unhappy about the war, yes. All of us are. But it’s something else. What?”

 I looked away from her inviting eyes. She really wanted to know, but it wasn’t my place to say, and there were soldiers everywhere looking on.

 “What?” She asked again.

 “This isn’t the place to discuss our problems, my Lady.” My shoulders tensed as I prayed she wouldn’t pursue the question.

 “What is the matter, Crypt?” Her jaw clenched, a sure sign she was determined to figure me out.

 I sighed and got up. “If you’ll excuse me, My Lady. I have duties to see to.”

 I bowed to her, and walked off. She still didn’t drop it. The thing about Dairdra was that she never seemed to give up. Most days, I admired that about her, but on days like this, it drove me nuts.

 She ran to catch up with me. “We can talk while you work.”

 Dairdra gave me the alluring smile that always seemed to melt my resistance.

“Fine. But we’ll do it in private, if you don’t mind, my Lady.” I glared down at the ground.

 Soldiers were looking at us now, smirking and laughing at my discomfort. I hissed softly in annoyance, a blush rising to my cheeks. Why did she have to embarrass me? Why not ask me when we went over the day’s discoveries at night?

 We reached my little, enclosed hut, and I held the door open for her. She ducked her head and walked in.

 I entered after her, and then closed the door before walking over to the table. I sat in a chair and buried my face in my hands. “Why did you do that?”

 “Do what?”

 I looked up at her. She had a confused look on her face.

 “You just embarrassed me in front of all the soldiers, Dairdra. Why?” I kept my voice low, knowing that sound leaked through walls easily in the building.

“I… I’m sorry, Crypt! I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I mean…” Her gaze dropped from mine.

Sighing, I walked over to her, and gave her a hesitant hug. “It’s okay. I just… I didn’t want to talk about it.”

 “Well, do you want to talk about it now?” She wrapped her arms around my neck, and leaned back a bit to look me in the eyes.

 “No, but I will if you want. Just keep your voice down.” I muttered.

 She raised an eyebrow. “Is this going to irritate me?”

 “Probably.” I kept my arms around her waist, smiling slightly at her look.

 “Well, dump it all now, then. Because at the moment, I’m in a good mood, and I won’t be as angry.” She laughed.

I laughed too. She always seemed to make me laugh when I didn’t feel like it. “Fine. The thing is this: I don’t like that you insist on coming to these places. Why can’t you send a messenger to do all this? They’d do it just as well, Dairdra, and I can’t protect you here like I can in the palace.” My expression turned somber as I pleaded with her to understand where I was coming from.

She ran her fingers down my face before resting her hand against my chest. She looked at her splayed out fingers. Then she looked back at me, taking a deep breath.  “Crypt, we’ve been through this before. A messenger can’t breathe hope into these men like the true leader can. They fight better because they’ve seen me, and they know that their lives aren’t just being thrown away for a useless cause. They need to see that I care about them and am doing everything I can instead of cowering behind locked doors and walls while leaving them to fight my battles.”

I sighed. “I know. I just hate that I can’t protect you. It makes me feel so helpless.” I whispered.

“I appreciate that you want to protect me, Crypt – really, I do – but you have to realize that you can’t always be there for me.” She whispered back.

I rested my forehead against hers. “I know. As Court Mage, however, part of my job in wartime is to protect whichever royal is on the throne at the time. That’s you, and you’re making my job extremely difficult.”

“I know that.” She fiddled with the buttons on her shirt. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… Crypt, I’m not trying to make it hard for you.”

She released me, backing away. I could tell I’d upset her. My heart seemed to burst with tears. The last thing she needed was for her protector to become difficult. I should have been supporting her in whatever she decided instead of fighting her over it. But it was her safety, and I knew compromising on that wasn’t an option.

“Dairdra, please. At least… I don’t know. Maybe you could just stop walking the walls without me. I have to be there to protect you from anything that those men down there might throw at you. If you are killed, we’ll all lose. The soldiers would give up, and you know it.”

“They would never give up, Crypt. They would keep fighting for family and home.”

I shook my head. “I think they’d decide that without a ruler, it would be better to welcome in the enemy, who is stable and capable of keeping Argent from going down the drain.”

“Never! They are too independent to just roll over because I die.”

“That doesn’t matter. Take measures that will keep you safe, Dairdra. Let me go with you whenever you go into a potentially dangerous situation.”

 “Fine.” She walked back over to me, putting her arms back around my neck. “I’ll let you come with me whenever I go into a dangerous situation. I’ll also let you know when I go places and where I’m going.”

“Thank you.” I whispered, the fear and worry gnawing at my stomach loosening their hold a bit when she agreed to my plea.

She kissed me gently.

I only kissed her back a moment before pushing away from her. “Dairdra, this place has windows, and there’s no guarantee that there’s no one watching. You shouldn’t do that here.” I whispered.

“Who cares if they know that I love you? We’ll be married eventually anyway. It’s expected.”

I stared at her blankly.

“I explained this, Crypt! Our family has a long line of marrying the Court Mage. My mother was Court Mage before she became Queen. And her father was Court Mage before her. Her great-great grandfather married the Queen of Argent, and he was Court Mage too. Besides, I’ve heard all the nobles talking about us. They think we’ll get married.” She smiled at me, clearly excited about the prospect.

I supposed I encouraged it because deep down, I wanted it too. I hadn’t told her I wouldn’t marry her, just that I wouldn’t do so during the war. And no matter what she said, I wouldn’t.

“Dairdra…” I wanted her to stop.

Just as I’d already mentioned to her, I wouldn’t agree to a marriage between the two of us until after the war. After the war… When I’d be thrown into jail as a traitor if she won.

But she wouldn’t win. King Vill of Cyril would. And we’d be free to run away from it all. We’d go into hiding, and we could be married after that. But not until then.

 “Crypt, you can’t deny what you are. You’re the most powerful mage in Argent, and everyone wants my heirs to be yours. They want it because everyone knows that our children would be some of the best, most powerful rulers Argent has ever seen. Some of them, at least.” She moved back up against me, resting her head against my chest.

I moved back, staring at her. “So that’s what I am to you then? A political pawn? A thing of convenience?” My voice rose along with my fury.

“No. That’s not what you are to me, at all! It’s just what you are to the nobles. Crypt, come on. You’ve known that since the day you became recognized as the Queen’s young protégée.” She gazed at me with tear-filled eyes, biting her lip in nervousness as she realized she’d upset me.

“I guess I did.” I looked at the floor, voice quiet now.

“But to me… I love you, Crypt. I want to marry you, but it wouldn’t be a political thing. Not to me.” She breathed out in a rush, running her fingers through her hair.

“Well, it doesn’t matter. I won’t marry you. Not till this war is over at least.” I muttered, my gaze glued to the floor.

She sighed. “I understand that.”

“I don’t think you do…” I mumbled. “Look, I told you what you wanted to know. I need to get back to work.”

“Alright.” She whispered, eyes filled with tears as my words sank in.

I watched silently as she walked out of the hut. The door slammed shut.

Sinking back down into my chair, I buried my face in my arms. This was tearing me apart. What was I thinking being involved in all this? I should just go try to get my sister out, and if I couldn’t and I died, so much the better for me. I’d be out of this torture and confusion.

“But I can’t.” I murmured. “I can’t run away and leave. Dairdra still needs me… I love her too much to go now… And besides, I’m no better than she is in regards to a fight. I can’t run once I’ve become entwined. Guess I’m stuck.” I growled at myself, raking my long fingers through my hair and banging my head against the tabletop, utterly defeated.

The realization of this was crushing. I slumped down in the chair, tears squeezing out of the corners of my eyes. I took shuddering breaths, feeling that I couldn’t breathe. The walls were closing in on me... I was caught between the cliff and the flames. I couldn’t run into either, or I’d end up destroyed. What was I thinking? There had to be a way out.

But there wasn’t.  There was no escape.  I had to fight or die. No third choice or way out. No happy ending or compromise. In my world, compromise had just ended. There was no happy medium between my two choices.

I’m going to die. If I betray Dairdra, she’ll have to execute me for it should she win this war. If I turn my back on Cyril and tell her the truth about my sister, the king will send assassins after me or kill me himself. And I won’t survive it. No amount of magic could save me if he decided to poison me. Or he could just kill my sister. That would kill me too. I’d be dead inside even if I was living outside. I’m going to go mad choosing between these two choices!

I shook my head, and went into my bedroom. I had work to do studying for some tests my masters were administering to complete my schooling, but I couldn’t think. I collapsed onto my bed and wept. I was going to die. And I hated knowing it before it happened. 

Cyril officially declared war on Argent a month after my talk with Crypt about safety hazards and our future.

My armies were being routed, and I had little time to prepare. I had sent out orders to dig in, and I’d fortified the small outposts, but it was doing little good. The armies of Cyril washed over mine, swallowing my men up in a single gulp.

I had little doubt that Cyril had prepared long before they launched the first attack. Their attack was too coordinated to be a spur of the moment thing or accident.

I sat at my desk filling out paperwork. My fingers were cramping, and I set my pen down, stretching them in an attempt to relax the tension on them. It didn’t work.

A page walked into the room. “My Lady, General Orin is here to see you.”

“Thank you. Please show him in.” I pushed the finished paperwork to the side of my desk.

The page walked back out of the room. The doors opened again and the page showed General Orin in.

“General Orin, My Lady.”

“Thank you, Oswald.” I answered, looking at General Orin.

“If the page might be excused, My Lady?” He bowed, as polite as ever.

I’d forgotten to do that. Oswald was so quiet and unobtrusive that I hardly noticed he was in the room. “Oh, yes. Of course. Oswald, you may leave us now.”

“Thank you, my Queen.”

I gave an absent wave to him. He bowed and walked out of the room.

I turned to the General. “What did you need to see me for? Has something happened?”

“Cyril has infiltrated our lines. They are about three weeks from the Capital, and we didn’t intercept them till just recently. A large contingent of reinforcements stumbled across them on the way to the front. They’ve been holding them, and I’ve gotten whoever I can on the way to help them. They should arrive at the battle-site in two weeks at a forced march. Maybe twenty days if they don’t run and exhaust themselves.”

I frowned. “How is it that Cyril got that far that quickly? And why weren’t they intercepted before?”

“I do not know for sure, My Lady. I checked the outposts, and one of our smallest ones fell a while back. We didn’t get the news until I investigated it though. They were sending normal information and signals. I believed that Cyril was been sending false messages through the connections to the base. I sent someone to do some snooping to confirm my suspicion.”

I nodded briskly. I shuffled through my paperwork, thinking. With a sigh, I turned to my window. “How do we stand? Can we stop them, General Orin?”

“I cannot say, My Lady. I believe that, based on our forces and their determination, we can.” He smiled at me as I turned back to him, but it was sad and tired.

I smiled back, but my smile was also a shadow of its usual self. “Good. We don’t have a choice. Is that all you came to tell me, General?”

“Yes, My Lady.”

“You are dismissed then. I must give this some thought. Go back to your post quickly. It is not good for you to be away from it for so long.”

“Of course, My Lady.” He bowed, and then turned away from me.

Turning, I gazed back out the window, fighting back my tears. I heard the rustle of his coat as he walked to the door. He opened it, and walked out. The door closed, and I was left to contemplate all I’d been told.

What was Cyril after? I couldn’t understand it. Our ambassador to Cyril had been trying to tell me that someone wanted me. But who, and why? Were they trying to force me into a marriage with them or someone else to compromise my rule of Argent? And if they weren’t trying that, what were they doing?

It seemed Cyril wanted to rule Argent. Otherwise, why would they attack? Would they really attack my kingdom just to attempt to force me into a political marriage? Why not ask me? I might have said no, but then, in consideration of my people, I probably would have said yes.

Not because I wanted to marry someone for politics and power, but because if it was good for my people, I was willing to sacrifice. Of course, marrying Crypt would be a much more advantageous marriage for my people. But if Cyril had told me they wanted a political union or they’d attack, I might have said yes. No need for all the bloodshed.

Who am I kidding? I would never agree to such a marriage! It means compromising so much I believe in! I couldn’t do it, and it wouldn’t be better for my people. I’d become a figurehead to the Cyrillian rulers and political figures. Argent would be no more.
So it was back to figuring out what game Cyril was playing.

I sighed, sinking into my chair. Piles of paperwork still sat on my desk to be filled out. Why did ruling have to be so hard? All I wanted was to be left alone by now. I was sick of ruling. I never had a moment to be myself, it seemed. No time for weaknesses or doubts. I was supposed to be strong and the best of the best! My people were at war, and their Queen needed to be a strong, independent, thinking woman.

Ha! It was laughable. Independent and thinking, yes. But not strong. In fact, if anything, I was weak, frightened, and confused. I wasn’t ready for this, but I had to do it anyway, and I knew it wouldn’t end well.

I went back to signing paperwork in despair. My mind whirled trying to discover Cyril’s games and intricacies.

The door opened again, and the page once more walked into my audience chamber.

“My Lady?”

“What, Oswald?” I was feeling slightly snappish now, and my voice took on an edge.

His face went pale. “Sorry, My Lady, but the Court Wizard wishes to see you.”

I sighed. “Very well, Oswald. Show him in.”

What did Crypt want? I was too busy figuring out my problems to try to figure out what he could want. I’d given up thinking about us. He’d made it clear that he didn’t want any marriage between us until after the war. Why he was being that way, I still couldn’t divine, but I didn’t feel like figuring that out either.

When we were in private, he was still affectionate. He would kiss me, but he seemed somewhat distant, as though his mind was preoccupied and he didn’t really think that he should be kissing me. And maybe he shouldn’t have. But I wasn’t the one who was going to start a fuss just because he kissed me.

Oswald backed out, bowing to me.

 I turned back to my paperwork, my stomach knotting and hands shaking.

This war was bad for me and everyone else. It was putting all of us on the last pittance of patience, but especially me.

Well, why not? It rested on my thin shoulders to figure this whole mess out. And I wasn’t strong enough.

Why was it that people seemed always to put their hope in the frailest part of the defense? Foolishness. It was the best way to lose a war.

Crypt walked in. He took one look at my face and sighed.

“What did you come for, Crypt?” I sat down in my chair, looking at him.

He seemed to falter a little. I wondered why briefly, but maybe he was just surprised to see me so disheartened. It must show on my face for him to react the way he had when he first walked in.

“Are you okay?” He frowned.

“No. I’m not.” I retorted.

“What’s wrong?” His calm in the face of my snippiness was admirable.

I wanted to stop snapping at him. I loved him, and I didn’t want to behave badly towards him. He wasn’t the reason I was upset anyway. He just happened to be there when I was upset.

“Things aren’t going well with this war.” I stood up again, unable to stay still.

I started pacing, but Crypt’s gentle hands on my shoulders stopped me.

“You’re obviously really worked up, Dairdra.” He whispered. “Take a deep breath, and then try to calm down. Tell me what’s wrong.” He started rubbing the tension out of my shoulders.

I didn’t move away. It felt good to let him massage the ache and cramp out of my shoulders. I hadn’t even realized how tense my shoulders were until he’d started helping me relax.

There was a slight buzz against my skin. I yelped a bit and moved forward abruptly in shock.

“What are you doing?” I turned to look at him.

He smiled. “You have to stand still. I’m using a bit of magic to help release the tension. What have you been doing all day to get so tense and worked up?”

“Paperwork.” My baleful glare told him all he needed to know.

“I see.” He moved back to working on my shoulders.

This time when I felt the buzzing on my shoulders and tingling down my body, I didn’t move away. I knew what it was this time, and it wasn’t a surprise. Actually, it felt wonderful, and I wished I could do this on myself some days. Unfortunately, magic didn’t usually work on its wielder. Only a few spells did, and I didn’t know what they were.

I sighed. “Cyril’s forces have nearly reached the palace. They’re a week away. General Orin doesn’t know if he can hold them or not. He thinks he can, but who knows… They breached one of our outposts and we didn’t know until it was too late. We know which one it is now, but there’s no way to fix the problem.

“Cyril’s dumping people into Argent at will. I have to send more men to that outpost to take it, but they’re already well-fortified, and I don’t have the men! We’re spread too thin. I’ve been doing my best by visiting all the outposts I can and raining whatever attack magic I know on Cyril’s forces. But I’m not that strong, and I can’t do much before I pass out from exhaustion. I have to be careful. I’m so useless to everyone!”

“Shhh…” Crypt whispered. “You aren’t useless. You’re one of the smartest strategists I’ve ever known, and even if you don’t know it, I know you can do this.”

“I can’t.” I started to cry.

I hated everything going on at this point. I hated Cyril, myself, everyone around me for expecting that I could do something about the impossible situation we were in. Of all the foolishness! Picking a girl to be queen, and then throwing her into a war with a greedy, over-reaching king. Who did that? My country, apparently.  Or rather, the Council that helped to run the country.

Crypt gently pushed me down into one of the chairs in the room. He pulled another one over next to me, and sat there, arms around me.

I’d wet so many of his shirts with my tears. And I was doing it again. I really needed to stop crying, but I couldn’t. Everything was awful, and he was the only one I felt I could be honest with. With everyone else, I had to put on a face that wasn’t me. I had to be something that I wasn’t. With Crypt, all he wanted was me. Not some fake, but the real me. And I’d been letting him see it, bad parts and all.

He’d seen so many of my tears by then that he must have thought I could never laugh.

“You can, Dairdra.” His voice was still gentle and quiet, but now it was more insistent.

I shook my head, wondering if he’d read my thoughts and wiping away my tears. “How can you think that when every time we talk in private like this, I start crying?”

“You do not. And besides, I can think it because I’ve seen it. You were the only reason your mother survived. And you were admirably calm while you were dealing with your father’s death.”

“I was not! You saw what happened as soon as we weren’t around anyone else.”

“That is expected. No one can be composed one-hundred percent of the time. The important part is that you have remained strong when it mattered. You’ve done what needed doing when it needed doing. You didn’t hide or run when bad things happened. You looked sorrow straight in the eye, laughed at it, and commanded it to leave. And for the period of time that you needed it to, it did leave. As for danger, you’ve stared it down and straight into the dirt.”

I shook my head. My soft laugh was bitter. “I haven’t stared anything down. We’re all going to die.”

He looked stricken for some reason. Was my bitterness that hurtful to him?

“You aren’t going to die.” He whispered. “I promise.”

“Sure, you can control that.” I snorted.

His jaw muscle tightened a little like it did when he was nervous or upset. I gave him a narrow-eyed glance. “You can’t control it, Crypt.”

“Yeah, I guess I can’t. But I’ll do everything I can to be sure it turns out that way. You know that, right?” He wouldn’t meet my gaze.

What was wrong with him? Why had he become so strange and closed lately? Something wasn’t level, but I couldn’t begin to guess what. He’d been my closest friend for years, and no one had ever been a closer friend to me than he. What could he possibly be hiding from me?

“Crypt? What are you hiding?”

He bit his lip slightly. “I’m not hiding anything.”

“Yes, you are. You only bite your lip when you’re nervous, and you always meet people’s gazes when speaking to them. So you’re lying if you’re really going to tell me you aren’t hiding anything.” I put two fingers under his chin and tipped his face so I could look at his eyes. He didn’t resist.

What I saw there was confusing. His eyes were full of torture and pain. He didn’t look like he’d been sleeping well, either. Why hadn’t I noticed that? I needed to stop being so wrapped up in myself and pay attention to other people. If I didn’t notice something was wrong with my best friend, there was obviously something wrong with me.

His eyes… They looked almost… guilty. But what would he be guilty of?