In Darkness Lost (7 page)

“What did you do?” I murmured, searching his face.

He looked away from me, and I let my hand drop to my lap.

“I didn’t do anything. What makes you think I did?” His voice sounded contrite, which contradicted his statement.

I sighed. “Fine. Don’t tell me. But know this, whatever it is, if you ever want help or can admit you need it, I’ll do whatever I can.”

“Thanks.” His weak smile followed the quiet declaration of how wrong things were.

Something was going on. He’d thanked me for my offer of support. If something truly wasn’t wrong, Crypt would have laughed my offer off and told me he didn’t need help because nothing was wrong. The fact that he hadn’t done this convinced me something was wrong. But I couldn’t figure out what.

Had he broken something? Was it his sister causing the grief I’d seen in his eyes? Could it be me? That thought was nearly unbearable. That I could cause so much grief to such a dear friend broke my heart. I desperately hoped that wasn’t what it was.

“So what did you come to tell me?” I shifted closer to him.

“Nothing. I didn’t come to tell you anything.”

“Yes, you did.” Anger roiled within me.

Why was he doing this? Why wouldn’t he come clean and tell me what was wrong? What had he come for?

“I guess… I just wanted to see you, really. I came to see how you were holding up. But as soon as I saw your face, I had my answer. And after this little talk, I guess my question was answered.”

I stroked his upturned hand. “So what was the answer?” I whispered.

“You aren’t holding up.” He whispered back. “But you’re going to make it anyway. I just know it. So I’m just worried about how much of you will be left. How much of the girl I know and love will be left?” His tone was pained.

“That girl’s still there, Crypt. She’s just changed a little. I’m still me. But I can’t go through this war unchanged. Surely you know that?”

“I know that.” His voice was heavy. “I’m just afraid I’ll lose you forever.”

I frowned. “You won’t lose me forever! Why would you think that, anyway? We’ll be married after the war, and things will be normal again.”

“No, they won’t.” He laughed, tone cynical. “Things will never be normal again. Not the way we knew normal. Normal will be gone. For the next generation, whatever the war’s outcome brings will be normal. But for us?” He shook his head. “It’ll never be normal.”

I knew he was right, but I refused to admit it. My normal world could be brought back. I would force it to come back. “That’s not true. It’ll all go back to normal. I promise.”

He looked up at me, eyes haunted. “Stop lying to yourself and denying the truth. Things will never be normal again. And if they are for you, they will still never be so for me.”

I hugged him like he’d hugged me, tears sparkling in my eyes. His pain was so clear now, so poignant and dangerous that it threatened to suck me in. “It’ll all be fine. Everything will go back to normal. I know it will.” My words were hollow though. I didn’t believe that anymore. I had at the beginning of the war. But I couldn’t now.

His arms went around me too. We comforted each other in silence.

A few moments passed, and then Crypt said, “I hope for your sake that things do go back to normal.”

He pulled away from me, and strode out of the room. He didn’t glance back. I sat there, staring after him as Oswald closed the door behind him.

 My heart wept tears of blood to remember how tortured his eyes had been. What could cause such despair, such pain? Such distress was unnatural. It couldn’t be caused just by this war. I sat dazed in the chair, unmoving. Nothing made sense anymore. Me and Crypt included. 

I was out on the front lines again helping the soldiers and encouraging those I could when the news came.

A messenger came running up to me, puffing. “My Lady! One of the court magicians sent me with news! The Council told me to tell you that your mother has woken.”

I started. My mother had woken up?

She’d woken up! 

I had my mother back, and I didn’t have to deal with this war anymore. I wouldn’t be Queen anymore if she was able to rule. I was going back to normal!

I gave a gasp of surprise before composing myself. “Thank you, sir. You may tell the council that I will have the Court Wizard transport me back immediately.”

The messenger nodded and danced off. Everyone within earshot was smiling at me and each other. There wasn’t a single person who wasn’t as thrilled as I that my mother was better and awake. Suddenly, the sun felt warmer, brighter, and I felt an immense thrill of relief. I lifted my arms to the sun, not caring that people were watching, and spun in a giddy circle, laughing.

The soldiers stared at me wide-eyed for a moment, but then they laughed too, and soon the courtyard of the fort was filled with laughing and dancing people. Every one of my countrymen joined me in delight at that moment. I finally stopped spinning; my cheeks flushed with the cold air and tears from the wind stung my eyes. But I didn’t care.

All I could think of was my mother. Would she be able to talk to me? Was she completely coherent now? I couldn’t wait to see her.

I ran into Crypt’s temporary lodging where he was sleeping while off duty. I shook him awake. “Crypt! Crypt, get up.”

He woke with a start, gazing around with frightened, confused eyes. But it cast little shadow on my ecstasy.

Finally, his eyes landed on me, and he realized who I was. He rubbed his eyes, trying to wake up, and yawned. “What? Why did you wake me up like that? What’s so urgent that it required taking away my sleep?”

“My mother’s awake! She came out of her coma. Crypt, we have to leave now. We’re going back to see her. I’m going to see her, and she’s going to be alright!” I laughed, almost beginning to dance again as I waited for him to say something.

“She’s awake? That’s great!” He grinned, suddenly alert.

He stood up, brushing wrinkles out of his shirt and pants from sleeping.

“I know. She’s going to be okay!” I threw my arms around his neck, still laughing.

He pried me off him, laughing too. “Yeah. That’s great, Dairdra. But please, calm down. I’ll let the commander here know that we’ll be leaving earlier than we had thought due to an emergency back home. I need to come back here though once you’re safely dropped off.”

My expression darkened. “Why? This outpost is quiet. Cyril isn’t even near this place. The men just needed encouraging, so I came to visit. That’s all.”

Crypt nodded. “They need me to finish some magical barriers and traps around this. They’ve received reports that Cyril’s soldiers are moving towards this outpost because it’s smaller and they hope to breach it easily like they did the last one.”

I nodded, understanding. “So you’re charming this fort into a surprise for them, then?”

He grinned. “Now you get it.”

I sighed. “Very well. I guess you have to come back here. I’d hoped you’d be with me, but if it comes down to my selfish wishes and my people’s lives, obviously, their lives come first. How long will you be gone?”

“Maybe a week left before I finish the charms and traps I’ve begun. I want to be sure this place can’t be breached like the last one was.”

I grimaced. “I see. Well, I guess I’ll see you again after the week is out.”

“Unless something drastic happens, yes.” He smiled down at me.

I wrapped my arms around him, kissing him. I was so giddy with the news I wasn’t even thinking about the soldiers standing outside the door. I heard laughing and whispering, and I abruptly let go of Crypt and moved away.

The soldiers were still laughing covertly and glancing at us, but they moved off. They didn’t seem to disapprove of my affection for Crypt or my display of joy.

“Sorry.” I muttered to Crypt, cheeks going rosy red.

“It’s fine. Just… Next time you want to kiss me, do it in private, please. For the sake of your reputation and mine, it would be best you didn’t give people any wrong ideas.” He murmured.

I nodded. “I know. I won’t let it happen again. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

He grinned, shaking his head at me. “You weren’t thinking at all.”

I blushed a darker shade of red, laughing too at my own foolishness. “I suppose that’s true.”

“If you had been thinking, that wouldn’t have occurred.” He smiled at me.

“Yes, well… Can we go let the commander know what’s going on so that we can go? It’s almost lunch time, and I want to see my mother as quickly as possible!”

 “Of course.”

We walked out of the hut to find the commander.

The soldiers cast laughter-filled glances our way. They seemed to think that Crypt and I would be a good match. It only made me blush deeper as I realized they had read into the kiss more than was comfortable. Rumors had been leaking around about the two of us for some time. Maybe it would be wise to avoid spending time with him when possible.

The commander was in his own quarters. When we walked in, he stood up, bowing deeply. “Your Majesty! How can I help you?”

“Commander, I need to leave early. My mother has woken, and I need to go see her.” I tried not to shift back and forth from foot to foot, clenching my hands against my sides as sweat beaded on my palms.

He smiled. “That is wonderful news in such a bleak time, Your Majesty.”

Crypt stood silent at my side, and I remembered that I needed to inform the commander of Crypt’s return.

“Crypt is going to transport me back, Commander, but he will be returning. I understand that he has been helping you with your defenses, and that is of utmost importance to us all.”

“I understand perfectly, my Lady. When will the Court Mage be back?”

“I do not know. By tomorrow, certainly.”

The Commander nodded. “Thank you for informing me, my Lady.”

I gave him a polite nod back. “Of course, Commander. We will be leaving now.”

“Farewell, Majesty.” He stood, giving me a deep, formal bow. “We have been honored by your presence.”

I smiled. “Thank you, Commander.”

I turned to Crypt, and motioned for him to follow. We walked out of the Commander’s hut. We returned to his hut, and then Crypt began whispering words.

Just as we began to feel the effects of the spell, I remembered that I had vowed never to do this again. It was too late to stop it now. I would do it if it meant fewer delays in seeing my mother.

I began drifting.

I wasn’t there. I hated this feeling.

I? Oh, good grief, here we went again. I couldn’t even remember who I was.

Then the confusion was over and I was back in the palace’s roomy corridors.

I wiped my damp brow, shivering. “I hate that method of traveling! I always feel like I’m being lost somewhere. I can never remember who I am. It’s terrible.”

Crypt gave a knowing smile. “That’s quite ordinary. Happens to everyone. You get used to it after doing it enough times. Probably in about ten or fifteen more times, you’ll be used to it.”

 Another ten or fifteen trips through that to be used to it? I didn’t think I’d ever be used to it, and my stomach churned dangerously even thinking about it. “Ten or fifteen more? What a small number.” I tried a weak smile.

Crypt laughed. “It’s not fun, but it can be worth it to get the benefits of such fast travel. You’re really only in that state for a few seconds of real time. In projected time though, you’re probably stuck in that state for nearly half an hour.”

I blanched at that thought. “Stop. I don’t want to know anymore! My stomach can’t handle it. Just… Shut up…”

He grinned. “That bad?”

“Yes.”

We started walking towards the doors of the palace. The guards were standing at attention, and they were a little surprised to see Crypt and me.

“My Lady? But, I thought you were at Falcon Rift Outpost.” The guard stared, blinking a few times and rubbing his eyes. “I must be seeing things, Harry.”

“You’re not seeing things, Truman.” Harry sighed, giving Truman a wearied look. “She’s there, you moron. Captain Choric told us to wait here for her because she’d be showing up to see her mother soon. Remember that episode, you cretin?”  

“Oh, yeah. I remember now. And I’m no idiot, Harry, so shut up.” Truman glared at Harry.

I raised an eyebrow at them. “If the good Captain ordered you to escort me, then I suggest we move.” I pushed the astonished guards out of the way and walked past.

They stood there, mouths agape. Crypt walked between them, following behind me.

Cheerful, he gave them a wave. “You might wish to close your mouths by the way. It’s rude to stare at anyone, but it’s especially rude when it’s your Queen.”

They abruptly closed their mouths, and scampered to catch up to me. “We’re sorry, my Lady! Truly, we are. We’re supposed to… to escort you to the hospital if you want to go, that is.” Truman stammered.

“Soldier Truman, if I didn’t want to go to the hospital, I wouldn’t be walking in that direction out in the freezing cold snow and wind.” I was about done dealing with these two over eager guards.

It was time to get rid of them with as much politeness as I could muster.

“What he means, my Lady, is that we were supposed to escort you to the hospital when you showed up.” Harry glared ice shards at Truman, who cowered back.

“That was exactly what we meant, my Lady.” Truman submitted to Harry’s explanation.

“Look, you two. Go back to Captain Choric, and tell him that I have the Court Wizard with me.”

“Yes, Majesty!” They both snapped to attention.

I made a shooing motion with my hands to tell them they were dismissed.

They scurried off, and when they were out of earshot, I sighed with relief.

“I hope that’s not what all your guards are like, My Lady.” Crypt kept his voice down so only I could hear.

I glanced at the people gazing at us with excitement and pointing. They kept moving and didn’t mob me, and I guessed that it was Crypt using Persuasion on them. He’d been doing that a lot lately to keep some of my privacy intact.

“Not all of them are, Crypt. Just a few of the more enthusiastic, younger ones like those two. They’re still learning.”

“Then excuse me if I’d question why Captain Choric would send them to escort you anywhere! Those two can’t keep you safe.”

“Crypt, I didn’t say they were untrained. Those two came straight out of one of the best Academies of Defense we have. Despite the fact that we were at peace until recently, we still trained some military and especially guards for the royalty. Those two would know over a hundred ways to kill someone who tried to hurt me. It would have to be a very skilled assassin to kill me or kidnap me with those two defending. All I meant was that they were overeager.”

Crypt nodded. “Forgive my misunderstanding, my Lady.”

I gave him a strange look. “What is with you and the sudden formalities?”

“People are near enough to overhear us, my Lady. I cannot drop formalities unless we are in private.” He murmured.

I rolled my eyes. “Fine.”

He smiled for a brief moment. “I apologize if this upsets you.”

I smiled back. “Not at all.” But it did.

His strange distance worried me.

I was afraid I had lost him. That he didn’t love me anymore. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be distancing myself too, and I pushed down the feelings, trying to ignore the dark thoughts. Instead, I focused on the fact that my mother was better and she was going to be okay. 

We reached the hospital and walked in. Usually, the white walls of the hospital made me feel trapped, but today, they were pure and pristine – a happy sight to me. The neat halls with nurses bustling up and down tending to patients seemed an orderly chaos, and it brought a smile to my lips. My mother was here and awake, and that fact changed everything about the hospital for me.

A nurse at the desk looked up as we enter. “Queen Dairdra?” Her face looked surprised. “No one told us you were coming so soon.”

I smiled. “May I see my mother now, please?”

The nurse glanced away, hesitating and rifling through some papers on the desk. “Well… Uhh… I don’t know if…”

My smile faltered. I frowned. “What’s wrong? Why can’t I see her? They said she woke up, that she was doing better.”

“Oh, she was. She wanted something to eat as soon as she woke up. We made her wait an hour while we checked her vitals and everything, but she seemed to be functioning normally, so we let her eat a little soup and have some water.”

“And?” I shifted uneasily on my feet. “If she’s doing so well, then why can’t I see her?”

The nurse glanced around, clearing her throat, and fiddling with the pen on her desk. “She’s not doing well, actually.”