In Darkness Lost (11 page)

I walked down the spacious corridor to my bedroom, heart heavy and mind awhirl. I entered my bedroom, leaving the guards to stand watch at the end of the corridor - a safe distance away from my room so that if I broke down, they wouldn’t hear me crying. As soon as I was sure that they were close enough to hear real trouble but far enough not to hear my sobs, I locked the door.

I knew I shouldn’t lock it. If I needed help, they wouldn’t be able to give it in time because they wouldn’t be able to break down the sturdy door. At that point though, I didn’t care. I would die in the next day or so anyway, so why should I?

It had been a week since Cyril broke our frontline defenses. The soldiers would be at the Capital in just a few hours according to the scouts, and there was so little standing between my people and the invaders that I couldn’t help letting a tear trickle down my cheek as I thought about the danger we were all in.

That was all it took. I broke down, weeping. I had failed my people, my soldiers, and all the nobles. I had failed everyone relying on me, including Crypt. I had even managed, I reflected in bitterness, to fail myself. I thought that I could do it, but I was wrong.

Well, in a day or two, maybe less, it wouldn’t matter anyway. I would be dead.  Crypt would be dead too.  And my people. I didn’t want to think about what might happen to them.

I buried my face in my arms, resting on the marble-topped desk in my room. I was a failure. I couldn’t even keep myself together when my people needed me most.

My sobs wracked my body. I sucked in a breath, hating myself in that instant for my weakness. I always seemed to be crying. People needed me and they needed me to be strong. Instead, I was sitting in my room trying not to be heard weeping.

A knock sounded on the heavy wooden door that led out of my rooms.

I tried to make my voice sound steady when I replied, but I failed. “Go away. Unless it is an emergency, I don’t want to be bothered for the next fifteen minutes.”

“Dairdra, please… You shouldn’t be alone in a time like this.” It was Crypt’s voice that answered.

“I don’t want anyone to see me like this.” I wiped my tears away with a lacey handkerchief.

“It’s just me. I don’t mind seeing you cry. You know that.” He hesitated. “And besides, sometimes it helps to have someone there with you and a shoulder to cry on.”

He was right, and I was overwhelmed then with the need to have him holding me. I needed to run my fingers through his hair and feel his lips on mine just a few more times before we died. I needed time to be with him where I wasn’t thinking about his secrets or about the coming army. Time when I wasn’t worrying about anything. I wanted to be wrapped up in the moment with him and forget everything else even if it couldn’t stay that way.

Forcing myself to be calm, I blew my nose and wiped the last vestiges of my tears away. I walked across the cold stone floor, barefooted since I had kicked off my shoes on entering the room, and unbarred the door. I opened it and let Crypt in.

He smiled at me, his eyes taking in my disheveled appearance with sadness. “Thinking about what’s going to happen over the next few days?”

I nodded. “Now that you’re here, I don’t want to think about it. I just want to spend the time with you and forget for the moment about everything that will happen.” I felt tears welling in my eyes again as he took me in his warm, strong arms. Those arms made me feel so safe and protected.

I let the embrace linger like that, satisfied that he was there. Then I pushed away to close the door and lock it again.

He raised an eyebrow at me, the corners of his mouth twitching in a smile. “Why lock the door?”

“I told you. I don’t want to be bothered for the next fifteen minutes. If I left my door unlocked, anyone could barge in and bother me during those fifteen minutes.” I teased, feeling a little better and more playful now that he was with me.

He closed the distance between us, filling my nose with a piney, snow-filled scent. I took a deep breath as I stood in his embrace. “You’ve been walking through the pine forests on the castle grounds?”

He nodded. “I was doing a little of my own scouting.” His body was tense against mine as he said it, though, and I wondered if he was worried or if he was hiding something.

I brushed off the thought. I was determined not to let our time together be spoiled by thoughts that he wasn’t being completely level or honest. I’d known Crypt for years. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.

I smiled up at him. “Enough of such talk. We’re together right now, and I don’t want our last conversation to be about the war.” I whispered, running my fingers through his hair.

He smiled back. “It won’t be our last conversation.”

“How can you be so sure?” I whispered.

“Because we love each other, and that love can never be lost or broken.  We’ll find our way back to each other no matter what happens.” He whispered, stroking my cheek where a tear had threaded its way down to my chin. “We’ll be alright. I just know it.”

I leaned into his hand, a soft smile gracing my lips. “If you believe it, then I can too.” Wrapping my arms around his neck, I kissed him, gentle at first and then with more passion and urgency.

He kissed me back, his fingers curling against the small of my back as he held me. “We can still have a happily ever after, Dairdra.” He whispered.

My eyes found his, crystalline blue to murky brown. “What?” My heart pounded against my rib cage as though seeking to break free.

“If the war doesn’t go the way we want it to, if it looks like the Cyrillian army will win, we should flee. We can rally forces to come back and incite rebellion among your people. We can live to fight another day. But that only works if you aren’t captured and killed because you stayed instead of fleeing.” His voice was still so soft I could barely hear it.

“I can’t just run. Abandoning my soldiers would dishearten them. We’d lose for sure.” I whispered back.

“Dairdra, please… If our armies are annihilated, flee with me. There’s no way that we can win the war if we lose even half of the soldiers you have now. If you die, that will be the end of any possibility to regain the kingdom. The end of our lives together. Because if you die, it will only be because the person went through me first.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know. Now is not the time for this talk. I don’t want to think about all of it. The pain is too great, and I need to forget about it all for now.”

He smiled, pain in his eyes. “If that’s what you want.”

“It is.” I whispered, kissing him again.

He kissed me back, and I could feel his heart beating in rhythm with mine as I pressed against him. I savored the smell of pine needles surrounding him, the soft, but persistent feeling of his mouth against mine, and the rough, but gentle touch of his hands as they encircled my upper arms.

A pounding knock resounded through my chambers minutes later breaking our silent separation from the outside world. “My Lady? Are you in here?” General Orin’s voice was muffled through the thick door.

I let go of Crypt, ending our kiss so that I could answer him. “Yes, General. Why do you ask?”

“They have reached the Capital, my Queen. The civilians are all within the palace walls in secure places, but the Cyrillians are within the city, and our forces are struggling to hold them back.”

This time as I clung to Crypt, it was not an embrace of passion or love. It was an embrace of fear and need. He held me close, and I rested my head against his chest, too defeated and weary to cry anymore.

This was it. This would be the end. Whatever was going to happen would happen, and one way or another, it would determine who lived and who died. And I had a sinking feeling I knew who wouldn’t be making it out. Me.

I stretched out on my bed, feeling a dull wave of pain lancing through my heart.

I knew I should establish a link with Cyril and make sure that everything was settled between us. But I couldn’t conquer my loathing for myself and for Cyril.

It turned out that I didn’t have to. King Vill’s assassin established the link herself.

I sighed, opening my side of the link. “I was just about to call you.” I lied.

She snorted. “Sure you were.”

I rolled my eyes. “Look, are we finished? Is my sister safe?”

She pretended to consider her nails, which were polished a brilliant sapphire blue this time. Then she look up at me through her thick blond lashes. “Well… There’s just one more thing, mage-boy.”

I groaned. “What? Isn’t it enough that I just made certain that the girl I love will lose her kingdom? What more do you want?”

“A way into the palace.”

My eyes widened. “What? Why?”

She shrugged. “It doesn’t matter why. Just know that everything hinges on our control of your Queen’s palace. We need a way in.” She flicked her fingers at me. “And you’d better not tell her what the plans are or we’ll kill your sister and your Queen.”

I grimaced. “Fine! I hardly know anything, anyway. But how am I supposed to get Dairdra to safety if
you
send soldiers through and start a melee in the palace?”

She smiled. “That’s your problem, not ours. At any rate, you can transport the two of you from one place to the next using magic. No harm would come to either of you… Now, I want you to transport yourself to your usual spot in the woods. Bring maps of the palace’s layouts and be there in five minutes. If you’re late or you bring anyone else with you, your sister dies instantly. Got it?”

I frowned. “Yes!” I snapped, flicking my fingers at the link to terminate it.

I knew terminating the link like that was rude and caused loud buzzing noises on the end of the link that initiated the call, but I didn’t care. In fact, that was sort of the point. Smiling with pleasure at gaining that small victory over the king’s annoying assassin, I walked out of the room to find the maps.

***

Five minutes later, I was at the forest clearing.

The woman stood before me. She beckoned with her finger. “Bring them here, mage-boy, and hand them over. No tricks. If you try anything, I’ll instantly send the code to my master to tell him to kill your sister.”

I growled low in my throat. “Stupid witch! I wasn’t going to try anything. Just keep that code to yourself, and if I find out that you backstabbed me, I’ll kill you all.”

She laughed at my warning. “Such a petulant child you are! It hardly matters if you kill me. My master will not be subdued by a petty boy. Even a particularly pretty one.” She teased.

I hated it when people said that about me. But I shoved aside the anger, knowing it would only make it more likely that I would do something stupid and end up costing my sister her life.

I walked slowly to the assassin, handing her the paper when I reached her.

She snatched the papers away from me, scanning them briefly. Then she flashed me another of her brilliant, sarcastic smiles. “If I find out that these plans don’t work for getting into the palace, your sister and your queen die.”

I nodded, swallowing hard. “They’re the real thing. No double-crossing with this deal.” I whispered.

She nodded, smiling pleasantly. “I should hope not. Especially when all the people you care about are on the line.” She grinned. “So long, mage-boy. I do hope everything works out with your young lady.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “Thanks. Means a lot coming from you.”

She grinned at my biting tone. “Respect, now, youngster.” She whispered a few words under her breath and disappeared.

I sighed. What had I gotten myself into? She and the king were probably planning all sorts of things to hunt me down after I ran with Dairdra. But I couldn’t do anything about it, and anyway, I couldn’t go back now. It was too late. I’d given them the papers that would allow them access to the palace’s hidden entrances and floor plans to every room in the palace.

What had I been thinking?

Bitterly, I decided I hadn’t been thinking. But what could I do? It wasn’t as though I’d had a choice. If I didn’t show up or gave her the wrong thing, she would’ve killed my sister, and despite what I had believed earlier, I couldn’t let that happen. Not even for Dairdra. It would be just like killing my sister myself. I might as well just die before I let that happen.

Sighing again, I turned and headed back to the palace.

***

“Crypt! Where have you been?” Dairdra flew into my arms.

She nuzzled my neck gently, and I embraced her back, feeling sick. Here I was holding the woman I loved in my arms after my greatest betrayal of her trust. I was a monster.

She sensed my hesitancy. She ran her fingers through my hair, playing with it and playfully tugging a lock. I grabbed her hand to stop her, my bad mood dissipating. Smiling broadly, I leaned into her, kissing her softly. “Never mind where I was. I just went on a walk here and there.”

She laughed. “Really?”

“Really.”

Her smile disappeared. “Only you would go on a walk in a time like this.” She whispered.

My smile faded too. “I needed to be alone.” I whispered back, feeling dreadful for lying to her yet again.

She nodded. “I understand. But now you must come. The first of the battles has begun, and we should be atop the wall to watch and supplement our archers. There are few enough as it is.”

I nodded shortly. “Very well.”

She took my arm, and together we walked up the flight of stairs leading to the castles parapets. Half-way up, I stopped.

She stopped too, gazing up at me. “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head. Pressing her back against the wall, I kissed her. My need flowed into the kiss, and she responded to it, wrapping her arms around my neck. She pressed tighter against me, kissing me back hungrily.

I let her go then. “I needed to do that at least one last time before this ends.” I whispered hoarsely.

She smiled sadly at me.

Her smile nearly broke my heart. Would I ever see her smile happily again?

She traced my jaw line with her smooth, cool fingers. Then she pulled me to her again, kissing me back. “This will end well, Crypt. We must believe it. If we go into it believing otherwise, we doom ourselves to certain failure.”

I looked away. She might be able to hold such hope, but I could not. Not when I knew otherwise. This would not end well.

She kissed me again, deep and long as though she were trying to imprint the kiss and me into her memory. She breathed deeply and I could feel her chest rising as she embraced me. “We’ll be alright, Crypt.” She whispered. “Believe it.”

And then she was gone, disappearing into the sunlight above to watch as the battle unfolded.  

I joined her a few moments later after I managed to get a hold of myself. This storm was far from over. 

***

I stood on the wall, watching the forces below as they prepared and kept a wary eye on each other in unease. 

The first of the battles began with a crash as the first wave of soldiers began their attack on our lines. I grimaced as our line buckled and swayed, struggling to hold the tide of green uniformed soldiers back. Our silver uniformed soldiers fought fiercely, and gradually the two armies came to a standstill. Our line did not break, but neither did it advance. 

Cyril's line backed off a few feet to regroup. 

A few minutes later, their cavalry charged our line, the horses ramming our unsuspecting soldiers. The line broke in a few places, and I held back the groan. I had known what would happen when our forces clashed with Cyril's of course, but I hadn't expected to feel the way I did. 

What, exactly, did I feel, though? 

Fire burned within me. I wanted to help our lines. I needed to help my countrymen in holding back the overwhelming tide of invaders. 

I shook my head imperceptibly. No. I couldn't do that. If I did, Cyril would think something was wrong. 

Or would they? If I just gave a little help here and there, I could help without being noticed. Couldn't I? After all, Dairdra did have our other mages helping to form barriers and keep the rush of invaders from being able to completely hit the weakest points. In some places, the invaders hit force-fields that kept them from reaching Argent's soldiers. 

I could help. I could. 

I smiled slightly, feeling reckless and dauntless. It was crazy to help when I should be doing everything I could to help Cyril win so my sister and Dairdra would live, but at this point, I didn't care.

A surge of anger flowed through my veins as I saw our lines continuing to buckle as Cyril forced them inexorably back. Gritting my teeth, I began spinning the fields around the weakest points, strengthening the existing force fields as much as possible while still disguising my own magic so that no one would know it was me helping. I might be feeling particularly powerful and unbeatable, but I still wouldn't risk being caught. 

This is completely irrational! What do you think you're doing, you idiot? There's a huge chance you'll be caught even if you disguise your magic, and if you do get caught... Poof... That's the end of your sister at least. 
My mind whispered. 
Well, I already made a decision. If it comes down to saving her or saving Dairdra, I'll save Dairdra. So whatever part of me that's arguing with that can just shut up. 
I snapped back mentally at the part that said I was a fool for doing this. 

I kept the smile hidden so that no one on the parapet - more importantly and specifically, Dairdra - would know what I was up to. I didn't want anyone to know I was helping in case there was a spy among us. I had no real reason to believe there was, but one never knew, and Cyril seemed to know a lot more than what I was telling them.

Who knew what they did to get their information? Magic opened up more avenues of information than I could possibly check. No sense in doing anything stupider than what I was doing now. 

But inside, I was laughing at Cyril because I'd finally found a way to snub them without getting caught. Even if it was too late for my country, I still felt better knowing that I was doing something, anything, to help my countrymen and avoid as much slaughter as possible. I turned away from my thoughts, focusing everything I had on the magic I was using and disguising the fact that it was mine. If I was going to get Dairdra out of this alive along with my sister, I needed to focus with everything I had.