In Name Only (29 page)

“Yes, Ma,” Jane
responded.  “Miss Caroline, what will you name your daughter?”

“Kathleen Emma,
after my mother and Liam’s mother.”

“That’s
beautiful.  I’m sure Mr. Liam would have been proud,” Jane replied.

She nodded as
tears rose along the back of her throat.

Loud, insistent
knocking accompanied David’s voice. “Patsie, may I come in?  Is Caroline well?”

“Sure ye best be
after holdin’ on ta yer shirt there, Mr. David, sir.  Miss Caroline’s not after
bein’ cleaned up yet.  Can ye not be waitin’ ‘nother minute or so?”

“Of course,”
David responded.

“Sure an’ that
Mr. David’s about as patient as a wood sprite on a moonbeam waitin’ fer her
mate.”

Caroline shrugged
her shoulders.

“Right then, Miss
Caroline.  Let’s be gettin’ ‘nother nightgown on ye and brush up yer hair so ye
can be lookin’ presentable.  Will ye be after stayin’ in Mr. Liam’s room for a
while?”

Caroline nodded
and began to close her eyes while Jane brushed her hair.

“Miss Caroline,
you lie back on your pillow here.  I’m sure Mr. David understands how tired you
are.”

She laid her head
back against the pillow and closed her eyes.

She heard Patsie
open the door.  “Well, Mr. David, sir, it’s a wee colleen then.”

Caroline parted
her eyes enough to see David walk in, tentatively at first, then more urgently
as he rushed to the side of her bed.

“You must be
tired, Caroline,” he whispered.

She nodded.

He looked into
the cradle beside the bed. “She’s beautiful.”  He glanced at her with a warm,
affectionate smile.  “Liam would have been so proud.”

Despite her
fatigue, Caroline felt her eyes again filling with tears. Not wanting to be
discovered, she pretended to be drifting off to sleep.

“Miss Caroline’s
bushed and she’s needing her sleep.”

“Of course,
Jane,” she heard David say.

All of a sudden,
Caroline felt gentle warmth on the top of her head.  She drowsily opened her
eyes to find David very close to her face. 

“You did a
remarkable job, Caroline.”

Why must he be
so close ?

She finally
surrendered and allowed herself to drift off to sleep.

Chapter 29

David closed the
door and leaned against the wall in the hallway.  For the past three or four
hours, most especially for the last hour or so, he had been praying for the
safe delivery of this child, who would be the only offspring of his brother. 
He felt a deep sense of relief that both Caroline and her baby were doing fine.

He made his way
to his bedroom and closed the door.  It was now well after midnight.  Exhausted
and still dressed in his day clothes, he lay his head on his pillow.  He
thought that he would rest for a few moments. He immediately fell asleep.

David’s eyes
opened at the crowing of the roosters heralding dawn. He sat up, realized that
he had woken, as usual, in a condition which begged release and with thoughts
and feelings he knew he needed to channel elsewhere. He got up and lit the gas
lamp on his bureau.  He longed to have a shot of brandy, just a small taste, but
shook it off.

He began to think
about Hallie, one floor above, in her bed, her soft hair spread against her
pillow like it used to caress his chest.

He quietly
stepped into the hallway, facing the back stairs.  David walked, then stopped
at his brother’s room.  All was quiet as Caroline and the baby slept soundly. He
ascended the staircase, each step feeling black and wrong under his feet.  He
knew that he ought not to be going up to the attic, but he promised himself
that he would only look in on Hallie, to ensure that she was sleeping well. 

At her bedroom
door, he carefully and slowly turned the knob, hoping to avoid making a sound. 
Despite his best efforts, it clicked and David froze. He waited a minute or two
before turning it again and looking inside the room.

He couldn’t see
clearly, but could make out Hallie’s motionless outline on the bed closest to
the door.  Jane was snoring, thankfully, as it most likely covered any noise he
was making.

It would take a
mere minute to wake Hallie and feel some relief.  And certainly anyone would
understand his need.  After all, he had been celibate now for two months.  He
knew that he could convince her and if she didn’t agree, well then he would. . .
his eyes widened.  He quietly stepped back and closed the door.  He couldn’t
believe that he had considered using her.

His overwhelming
desire for intimacy and for a drink was making him want to scream.  He hurried
back to his room, his eyes darted about.  It was important to have some
distraction right now, anything.  He eyed the gun cabinet.  Target practice
would do.

He rummaged
through his top desk drawer for the ammunition, then stopped.  It was not yet
dawn and shooting his rifle near the house would likely wake not only Caroline
but perhaps the new baby. He ventured outside to the stable and prepared a gas
lamp.

“David, let’s
play war in the woods
.”

War in the woods
was his and Lee’s favorite game together. Their father used to allow each of
the brothers to play with unloaded guns, although David remembered as a young
boy searching for ammunition so they could make louder sounds.  Thank God that
his father had kept the ammunition well-hidden and locked.

He entered the
forest, the gun at his side, the lamp held high.  A hundred or so feet inside,
he came to a clearing and set the lamp down.  Behind him, a bird flapped, then
flew overhead and he jumped.  He picked up the lamp and continued beyond the
clearing. All of this seemed familiar to him, darkness notwithstanding.

“
Bang, you’re
dead, David!”

“I am not
dead, Lee.  You didn’t hit me with that last shot.”

“How do you
know I didn’t hit you?  I was pointing the gun at you.”

“Besides, even
if you did hit me it doesn’t mean that I’m dead
.”

Above him, the
sky turned pale pink as it prepared for the sun’s debut.  He turned off the
lamp and peered into the forest, still dark with night. He lazily walked for
several minutes, pausing every few feet while his eyes adjusted.  Daylight was
approaching quickly and with each moment, it became clearer and easier to see. 
Up ahead, a short distance away, he noticed a bird of some sort, a partridge or
perhaps a small turkey.  He crouched and took aim, his eye looking through the
scope.  His hand on the trigger, he stopped, then lowered the gun.  He squinted,
but could not see whether it was the stump of a tree or something else the bird
was perched on.

He placed his gun
on the ground and came upon another larger clearing, now subtly lit with dawn. A
large stone, perhaps a grave marker, stood in the center, grass high around it,
but not hiding the angel perched on top of it.  Beyond that area was the
blackened stone foundation of the ruins of a small building.

David had
forgotten about this spot, but it was one of his favorite places to hide when
he and Liam were playing war or hide and seek.  Of course, Lee was easy to
scare.  All David had to do was to lie flat amongst the ruins and wait until he
heard his brother run by.  David would scream and Liam would scream louder,
then be on the verge of tears.  He shook his head.
What a torment I was
.

He knelt in front
of the headstone, pulling the weeds aside.  Heavy green moss covered it like
thick carpet and he was unable to make out a name or date. However, as he
brought his eyes upward, the angel on top smiled down at him.  He closed his
eyes.  He felt peaceful and no longer agitated.

Thinking back to
the last meeting with Father Flaherty, David had shared with the priest that he
still felt awkward with attending Mass, especially at the Catholic Church in this
neighborhood.  David’s reputation unfortunately would precede him and he knew
that he would not be comfortable there.  Perhaps he would attend Mass at the
Cathedral at some future date.

Recently, he had
been questioning his recent vows to abstain from alcohol and women.  Now, as
light filled the area, it became clear to him.  Kneeling before this
moss-covered headstone, an angel on top of it, he made another promise to God:
that he would come here every day to pray.  This would serve as the perfect distraction.

Chapter 30

“Miss Caroline?” 
Kip’s voice through the closed door asked.

“Yes, what is
it?”  She opened the door.

“Mr. David told
me to give you this. It’s Mr. Liam’s.  Said you might want it.”  He held a
small box out to her.

Caroline looked
down at the cigar box. “Yes, thank you, Kip. I’ll take this.”  Behind Kip,
David was giving orders as the servants moved items from Liam’s room.  Her
heart felt heavy as she watched them move the headboard from Liam’s bed into
the hallway.  David appeared to be deep in concentration as he supervised the
removal of Liam’s belongings. 
How can this be so easy for him?  How can he
act as if this were just another job?

She closed the
door quietly so she would not waken the baby, who was sleeping calmly in the
cradle beside her bed.  Holding onto the box, Caroline watched her infant
daughter’s face.  Her tiny lips were puckered and unconsciously sucking. 
Caroline marveled at the wonder of new life just beginning. She thought of the
sadness of Liam’s life, one which had just ended all too soon.

And all for what? 
She remembered little of what was said by the pastor at the funeral.  The one
comment she heard was, “Liam is at peace now in heaven.”  Why didn’t that
comfort her?  Should it?  What is the point to our lives if we’re all just
going to die?  And what did it mean for someone like Liam who had passed away
at such a young age?

She sat down on
the bed and stared at the cigar box.  It had a beautiful design with a colorful
eagle, the words “Bock y Ca” and Habana under the eagle.

She curiously
opened the box and was greeted with a musty tobacco odor.  There were several
items placed inside, some with brown paper covering them.

She carefully
unwrapped the largest item and discovered a man’s gold pocket watch, no chain –
it looked like it had broken off – with the name “John Patrick O’Donovan”
engraved on the outside. In the inside of the engraved letters, Caroline could
see minute bits of black dust.  It appeared as if someone had tried to clean
it, but in the most narrow sections of the engraved letters, black dust
remained.  The watch and paper smelled of smoke.  Placing it on the bed, she
picked up a small ticket to the Centennial Exhibition, their first official
outing as a courting couple.  She blinked back the tears, and smiled nostalgically
as she remembered how nervous she had been that day.

Next, she lifted
up a small envelope and found a note inside, written in what could only be
described as a scrawl, “
When you decide to become a MAN, here are the coins
I was going to give you to do so
.”  At the bottom of the letter was
written, in Liam’s hand, “May this always remind me of what a real Man is.”
Caroline tipped the envelope over and three coins dropped out.

The baby began to
whimper, then startled a reflex, her small fingers flailed open then curled
back into fists.  Distracted, Caroline gathered her daughter into her arms and
began to nurse.

Caroline was
grateful that she hadn’t worn a corset in many months. Being in mourning had
its advantages, one being that she never ventured out of the house.  The only
people who saw her on a daily basis were Jane, Kip and Hallie.  Thankfully,
David almost never interacted with her. 

She laid her
daughter over her shoulder. The baby released a drowsy burp, then promptly fell
asleep.  Caroline placed her in the cradle, then picked up another item wrapped
in brown paper. Carefully lifting it out, she uncovered it to find a beautiful
light blue cameo pin.  On the back were the engraved initials
,  EOD, with
love, JOD, September 15, 1854
.”

“This must be
Liam’s mother’s pin, given to her on the day Liam was born.”  Caroline held it
in her hand and caressed the smooth surface.  It was one of the most beautiful
pieces she had ever seen.  She pictured Liam’s father tenderly giving it to
Liam’s mother, then recalled Liam’s negative comments regarding his father.  He
obviously was thoughtful enough to buy this exquisite piece of jewelry and have
it engraved. Wrapping it again, she placed it on the bed and surveyed the rest
of the box’s contents.

Knocking, then
Jane’s voice called to her from the hallway.

“Yes, Jane?  What
is it?”

“It’s a beautiful
day.  Perhaps we can take the baby out for a walk?  She needs fresh air.”