In Name Only (32 page)

Two weeks ago,
she had become so engrossed in baby Kathleen and in the day-to-day activities
that by nighttime, it occurred to her that she had not thought of Liam, not
even for a brief moment, that entire day.  It seemed such a disrespectful way
of remembering her husband.  It hadn’t even been a year since he had died.  How
could she forget him?

She resolved not
to allow a day to pass by without remembering him in some way, so she made the
commitment to carry around his gold watch in the front pocket of her black
skirt, its heaviness always tugging at her. Every time she felt the pull of its
weight, she remembered him.

And today, the
one year anniversary of his death, she and David would be visiting Liam’s
grave.

In the small
carriage, Caroline sat uncomfortably close beside David; the narrow seat never
seemed wide enough for her liking.  Caroline wished that they had taken the
larger buggy with Kip driving since the small canopy did precious little to
shelter her from the fine mist that hung in the air.

Seemingly to fill
the silence, David began to point out the obvious.

“The gardens will
do well this year with a spring full of rain.”

Caroline did not
respond.

“The apple
blossom trees are beautiful this time of year.”

This time, she
answered quietly, “Yes.”  She wished that he would cease his chattering.

The carriage
bounced along as the wheels sank into the road’s holes.  At times, it was
necessary for her to hold onto the side rail to avoid knocking into David.

“I’m sorry,
Caroline.  There are numerous holes from the rain and it’s impossible to avoid
them.”

She shrugged her
shoulders.

When they arrived
at the cemetery, David led her to the grave. At the funeral, the headstone had
not yet been placed. Today, a marker was present. Grass was green and lush and
the large stone which indicated who was buried there made Caroline let out a
slight gasp. David had chosen well, a white-gray marble with the simple words,
“Liam Francis O’Donovan, 1854 - 1877, beloved husband of Caroline, loving
father of Kathleen.”

Caroline remained
motionless, her eyes focused on the gravestone.  She blinked back the tears.

“We can leave, if
you’d like,” she heard David say.

She shook her
head. “Not yet.”

“Then I will wait
for you at the carriage.”

“Yes, very well,
thank you.” She kept her gaze down and facing the grave.

Caroline was
grateful that he had allowed her a private moment. Now that she was alone, the
tears began to flow in earnest.  She missed her husband and would have given
anything to return to a life with him.  Two years ago, she would never have
envisioned this fate; a lonely life filled with the awkwardness of being
‘married’ to the last man on earth she would have chosen for a husband.  The
only person who gave her any happiness at all was her daughter, and Kathleen
had become Caroline’s sole excuse to lift herself out of bed every day.

A steady rain
began to fall, but Caroline remained still.  Almost immediately, David was
beside her, holding an umbrella over her. She straightened, then wiped her face
with her handkerchief.

“We may leave, if
you wish,” she said, turning to face him.  Her elbow knocked into his arm as he
moved the umbrella to his other hand for the short jaunt back to the carriage.

They walked side by
side with David holding the umbrella over her.  She glanced at him and his hair
and face were dripping.  She stopped and moved closer to him and took hold of
the umbrella to allow it to shelter him as well.  “This is big enough for both
of us, David,” she said, as they continued walking. Soon, torrential downpours
caused him to slip his hand over her shoulder to hold her closer under the
umbrella.  She shuddered awkwardly at the unwanted intimacy.  They had almost
reached the carriage, then she gasped as he pulled her away toward a small
outbuilding with a covered porch.  She released the umbrella and stepped away
from him.

“It would be
prudent for us to remain here until it lets up, Caroline.  We’ll get soaked in
the open carriage.”

She nodded and
turned away.  Now facing the road, she watched several closed carriages pass
by.

“This will be
good for the farmers,” he said, staring up toward the sky.

She remained
silent, tapping her foot and hoping the rain would soon stop.

Chapter 34

After having
little interaction with her brother-in-law for nearly two months, David
approached Caroline before he ventured off to Mass. 

“I think it’s
time to have Kathleen baptized.”

“She’s just a
year old, David.  There’s no rush.”

“I would like her
to be baptized at the Cathedral.”

“The Cathedral? 
I’m not sure I want her baptized, let alone baptized Catholic.”

“She needs to be
baptized.”

“I beg to
differ.”

“And she ought to
be raised Catholic.”

“And what if I
don’t wish her to be raised Catholic?  I am her mother.  You are merely her. .
.”

“Caroline, you
know that she is my daughter for all intents and purposes.”

“I have no desire
to discuss this further with you.”

“It is imperative
that we have her christened.  Her eternal soul is at stake.”

“And what would
you know of her eternal soul?  Besides, as I stated, I haven’t decided whether
to have her baptized in any religion at present.  Where did religion get me?
Married to you.”

He cringed and
lowered his head.  “Remember the scripture you cited to me several years ago? 
‘Today if ye shall hear his voice, harden not your heart?’”

Caroline gasped,
then yelled, “How dare you speak of scripture to me! I know more scripture than
you shall ever know!”

“I meant no
offense.”

“And who are you
supposed to be?  God’s voice?  Hardly.”

“Caroline,
please.”

“Go off to your
Mass and leave me alone.” She turned away.  She heard him sigh, then the door
opened and closed.

Caroline felt the
heat rise to her face and her jaw clenched. 
How dare he discuss religion
with me!  How dare he think that he is better than me because he is now able to
cite scripture!
 

Caroline sank to
the nearest chair and laughed out loud at the absurdity of the whole
conversation.  David O’Donovan, formerly the man who used women as a hobby, had
become David O’Donovan, self-righteous Catholic.  Either way, he was obnoxious.

*  *  *

The sound of a
horse and carriage drew her gaze to the window.  She stood and looked down to
see David arriving home from Mass. For a moment, she wished that she could dump
commode waste on him.  Then she reconsidered.  That would just create a mess
which Jane or Kip would have to clean up and it certainly wasn’t any fault of
theirs.

A soft knock at
the door startled her.  “Yes?”

“Caroline, it’s
David.”

She shuddered. 
“What do you want?”

“We need to
speak.”

“There’s nothing
to speak about,” she said through the closed door.

Silence followed
and Caroline hoped that he had walked away.  However, after a minute he spoke. 
“Please.  Allow me to apologize.”

She opened the
door partway.  He stood in the hallway, his head lowered. 

“I am ready for
your apology, David.”

“To be honest,
Caroline, I’m wondering why I need to apologize.”

“Really?  Well, I
can tell you why you ought to be apologizing.”

“Very well,” he
responded, in a whisper.

“You had no right
to insist that Kathleen be baptized in that new church of yours.  She is my
daughter.  You had no right to quote scripture to me.”

“Why must I
apologize for quoting scripture to you?”

“Because you were
using it against me.”

“And how was I
doing that?”

Flustered,
searching for a response, she mumbled, “Because you were.”

“Then I offer my
sincerest apology if you felt at all offended.”

“I was offended,
but I suppose I shall accept your apology.”

He stood
awkwardly in the hallway, making no attempt to leave.  Finally she mumbled,
“Good day, David,” and shut the door.

Later in the
evening, David did not come to the table for dinner and Caroline considered
that perhaps her manner of speaking to him had been too abrasive.  How could
quoting scripture possibly be offensive to her?  Maybe because she found his
tone self-righteous.  How dare he quote that particular verse to her? Her heart
was not hardened against God.  Or, even if it was, she certainly had good
reason.  How many years had she spent serving God and this was what she
received in return?  God had not listened to her prayers so why ought she
listen to his voice now?

In the dining
room, Jane held Kathleen in front of Caroline.  “Say g’night to your mama, Miss
Kathleen.”

“I’ll put her
down to sleep, Jane, as soon as I finish my supper.”

“Of course you
will, but Mr. David has asked to read Miss Kathleen a bedtime story.”

“I see.”

“When he’s
finished, would you like me to tell him to bring her to you?”

“No. I’d rather
not see David at present.  It would be preferable if you brought her to me,
Jane.”

Caroline finished
her meal, then started up the long staircase.  Her hand brushed against the
marble banister and the image came to her mind of Liam dressed fine in blue
breeches and coat, his blond hair and clean-shaven face so striking.  She
sighed and continued up the stairs. 

In the hallway,
she heard David’s voice.

“And when the
Philistine arose and was coming, and drew nigh to meet David, David made haste,
and ran to the fight to meet the Philistine.  And he put his hand into his
scrip, and took a stone, and cast it with the sling and fetching it about
struck the Philistine in the forehead
.”

She found herself
drawn into the story, despite the fact that she knew how it would end.  David
read in as animated a voice as she had ever heard, although she imagined that
his pitch was higher than usual as he spoke to Kathleen.

Caroline peeked
around the corner and saw that David had Kathleen in his lap.  David was
sideways and facing away from Caroline, but her daughter’s face was visible and
her wide eyes were staring curiously at David’s face as he was reciting the
familiar story.  For a moment, Caroline was jealous that David had Kathleen’s
rapt attention. She shifted her stance and the floorboard creaked.  David
immediately turned and looked in her direction.

“Caroline.” 

“I. . .was just
going to my room.”

“You may take the
baby with you.  I’ve finished the story.”

“Very well.”  He
stood and walked toward her. Caroline avoided eye contact but finally brought
her gaze to his as he moved closer.

“Goodnight, Kat,”
he said and kissed her blonde head.  As he gave her to Caroline, his hand
brushed against hers and she cringed.

“Goodnight,
Caroline.”

She nodded and
rushed off to her room.

Chapter 35

Caroline placed
Kathleen in her crib and turned the oil lamp down.  After dressing in her night
clothes, she sat in her reading chair beside the quiet fireplace and lit the
oil lamp.  She lifted up the lid of the trunk and sorted through her books
searching for one she hadn’t read in a while.  Of course, she hadn’t been
reading very much in the last year.  She picked up “Emma,” the novel which Liam
had given her as a gift when they were courting.  She shook her head.  Next,
she picked up “Jane Eyre,” then reconsidered.  Certainly, reading about Jane
Eyre’s life, at least for part of the novel, would be melancholy reading.  Then
again, that character’s life ended happily ever after, like most novels. Why
couldn’t her life with Liam have ended happily ever after?

She dropped the
novel into the trunk and quietly closed it. Perhaps it wasn’t her desire to
read a book this evening. 

She walked to the
crib and stared at the sleeping form of her daughter and recalled her
expression as she watched David read from the Bible.  As much as Caroline did
not want to admit it, Kathleen adored David and obviously enjoyed the animated
recitation of the story.

What harm could
there be in allowing Kathleen to be baptized Catholic?  Catholics attended a
service, a Mass, where almost everything was spoken in Latin.  The Catholics
she knew, like Mother Superior at the Cheltenham convent, seemed like kind,
charitable people. Then again, weren’t Catholics idolaters? Didn't they worship
statues?