In Name Only (35 page)

“
Carrie, stop
reading.  I’m not able to keep my eyes open and I don’t want you to be wasting
your time.”

“Papa, it’s
not a waste of time.  Besides, I’ve almost finished reading the entire Bible.”

“I know, but
I’m not feeling up to it today, Sweet.”

“Very well,
Papa.”  Caroline put the Bible down and studied her father.  He was pale and
now his eyes were closed.  She picked up his hand and he opened his eyes.

“Ah, my
Carrie.  You’ve been an angel to take care of me.”

“I love you,
Papa.”

“I love you,
Carrie.”  Again, he closed his eyes.

Caroline let
go of his hand, kissed his forehead, then picked up the Bible from the night
table and placed it on the dresser. 

When she
returned to his bedside, his expression was so peaceful, so calm.

David cleared his
throat. As she looked in his direction, he again appeared to be just looking
away from her.

“I suppose I
ought to return to my room.  Good night, Caroline.”

“Yes, good night,
David.”  Caroline sat down on the side of the bed and sighed. As he was
stepping into the hallway, she called his name.

“Yes?”  He
regarded her with tenderness that she hadn’t noticed before.  If she hadn’t
overheard the servants, she would have interpreted his expression as one of
mere fondness.

“Thank you,” she
said.

“You’re very
welcome.”

Chapter 39

Over the next
week, Caroline scrutinized David closely.  She didn’t know exactly what she was
looking for, perhaps something that would explain and obviously illustrate his feelings.
He was quiet but polite at dinner and interacted playfully with Kathleen but,
as usual, he kept his distance with her.

Caroline noticed
that on most mornings, David disappeared in the woods, most likely, to pray. 
At the end of the week, on a cool but beautiful sunny day after he had come out
of the forest, David rode below her window and up the laneway.  With David
gone, she decided to visit the area in the forest where he prayed. 

At the edge of
the forest, she stepped upon a small pathway. She hadn’t entered the forest in
over a year, since she had first discovered David praying in the clearing. She
followed it for a hundred or so feet, then gasped.  Before her stood the
headstone, now cleaned. An additional sculpture had been placed beside the
gravestone: a marble statue of St. Joseph with the child Jesus clutched to his
breast.  In front was another, smaller representation of Christ on the cross.

Caroline crouched
down and studied the face of the chiseled Jesus on the cross.  The face of
Jesus had a serene, peaceful expression, certainly not one that presented the
agony of being hung on a cross.  How could anyone be at peace in the midst of suffering?

She sat at the
stone bench and again studied the sculptures and, more particularly, the small
statue of Jesus on the cross.  The trees rustled quietly in the wind and
Caroline breathed deeply the cool air and understood why David had come here
each morning to pray.
How am I going to tell him that I know how he feels
about me?  Should I even tell him?

Although Caroline
didn’t hear any words, she sensed the answer.

*  *  *

Caroline, with
Kathleen in her arms, passed David’s door. It was open slightly.  She could see
David moving about in the room.

She had tossed
and turned all night.  In those long hours before dawn, she had made the
decision to speak to him today and ask him about the boat and why he had named
it for her.  That would give him an opportune way of sharing his feelings for
her, if he indeed had feelings of a romantic nature.

He opened the
door and greeted them in the hallway.  “Good morning.”

“Papa!”

“Hello, Kat!” He
lifted her up and held her while he spoke.  “Is Kip available, Caroline?”

“I’m not sure
where he is, David.  Shall I look for him?”

“No, that won’t
be necessary.”

Kip had just come
up the stairs. 

“Kip.”

“Do you need
something, Mr. David?”

“I’d like a bath,
if you have a moment.”

“Of course.”

“David?”

“Yes?”

“I. . .need to. .
.I must speak with you.”

“One moment,
Caroline.”  She watched as he gave instructions for how hot the water should be
and where in his bedroom the tub should be placed.  David’s expression seemed
overly serious for discussing bath temperatures. Kathleen, still in his arms,
was looking curiously at David as he spoke. When Kip stepped away, David turned
to face Caroline.  

“Now, what is it
that you would like to discuss with me?” His mouth was curved in a smile, an
expression which reminded her of when they first met.

“Perhaps we could
take a walk to the oak tree.  What I need to say is. . .quite. . .private.”

“I must say,
you’ve gotten my attention.  This must be important.”

“Yes, it is.”

“I’m not dressed
for outside yet, Caroline.  Can it wait?”

“Yes, I suppose
so.”

“Very well then.”

Later that
morning, Caroline waited near the tree in front of the house.  Her hands were
shaking and she was nervously rubbing her arms, despite the warmth of the day. 

She finally saw
him on the veranda speaking with Jane.  He held his hands over his eyes to
shade the sun as he looked in her direction, then he made his way toward her.

“David.”

“I’m sorry,
Caroline.  It took a long time to heat the water because. . .well, it’s a
complicated story.  I was not taking my time.”

“Of course.” 
Caroline hesitated.  “Perhaps we ought to take a walk.”

“A walk?”

She nodded.  As
she studied his face, she concluded that she never before noticed that his eyes
were such a deep shade of blue, like the color that filled the sky on a bright
summer day.

She walked in the
direction of the forest and the path which led to the gravestone and statues. She
stopped and turned toward him. 

“Why didn’t you
tell me you had brought statues into the forest?”

“I don’t know. 
You’ve returned to. . .”

“Yes.  It’s
lovely.  You’ve transformed that whole clearing into a beautiful peaceful
area.”

“This time of
year, it’s even more pleasant because of the lack of bugs.”

Together, they
strolled along the path until they came to the statues.  She sat on the bench. 
“I hope that my coming here hasn’t been an intrusion.”

“Not at all.”

“So you don’t
mind if I come here as well from time to time?”

“Of course not. 
Any time you’d like.”

“Please, do be
seated.  I have an urgent matter to discuss with you.”

“Yes?” He sat
beside her, keeping some distance from her on the bench.

“I. . .”

For a moment, he
seemed distracted by the soft warm breeze that caressed their faces.  He
glanced at the statue and stared at the face of Jesus. He was silent for a
moment, then spoke.  “I’ve never been one to be at peace with suffering or
anything that made me uncomfortable, Caroline.  In fact, my whole life I’ve
been a person who’s tried to escape discomfort.  But I requested this statue
because it allows me to see what true joy, true peace really is.  Here is
Christ, who had been beaten, scourged, nailed to a cross and he’s completely at
peace with it to the point of saying, ‘Forgive them Father, they know not what
they do.’  To be able to think and feel that when they’re hammering the nails
into his hands and feet?  It’s what true joy is all about.” He paused.  “What
is it that you wanted to speak to me about?”

“Well. . .”

“Yes?”

“This is. . .
difficult, David.”  Now, she became more aware of her trembling hands. 

“What is
difficult?” he asked, his eyes now focused on her.  “Caroline, if something is
wrong, you must tell me about it.”

Caroline nodded. 
“Nothing is wrong.  But. . .” She took a deep breath, then lowered her eyes. 
“Last week, I stood at the top of the staircase to the kitchen. I had
remembered that I needed to tell Jane something, then I stopped when I heard
‘Miss Caroline.’”

“The servants
were talking about you?”

Caroline nodded.

“Well, the
servants do speak about us, more frequently than we know.”  He paused.  “So
what did they say about you?”

She tried to
weigh her words carefully.  She cleared her throat.  “They spoke of you as
well.” She finally looked at his face.

“Ah.  I hope I
won’t be firing anyone.”  He was smiling as he said it.

“No, no.  That
won’t be necessary.”  She held her hands on her lap to stop them from
trembling, but her heart continued to pound.

“So what did they
say about you and me?”  He stopped.  He seemed to be studying her, then he
glanced away.

She avoided eye
contact, then said, “They said that it was plainly obvious. . .”

“Yes?” she heard
him say

“How. . .” She
swallowed once, then continued, “. . .much you love me but that I am still too
full of grief to notice.”  She said the words quickly.

“Oh.” There was
an awkward silence.  Then her eyes met his.  He stared at her with an “I’ve
been caught” expression, his lips slightly parted.

She waited for
him to deny that he loved her, but the denial never came.

He was staring
down at the ground, opening his mouth to speak, then closing it and remaining
silent for the moment.

They sat uneasy
and quiet, their silence a stark contrast to their previous conversation.  He
pulled at the top of his shirt.  She could hear Kathleen’s distant laughter and
a few birds chirping.  Caroline finally broke the silence.

“You’ve named one
of your prized boats after me. It’s quite beautiful.”

He nodded, his
deep blue eyes now focused on her, but he said nothing.

“Mr. David,
there’s a fire in the kitchen! Please come quick!” Jane’s high-pitched voice
called out.  David immediately began to run in the direction of the house.
Caroline grabbed her skirts and followed him as they rushed through the pathway
and to the back of the house and into the kitchen.

The fire was climbing
up the cookstove, its flames sliding up the pipe to the ceiling. Kip, his hand
red and blistering, was throwing buckets of water on the small fire, which had
extended to a basket of tablecloths a few feet away.  Jane ran out the back
door to the well and handed Hallie more buckets of water.  David moved Kip out
of the way and grabbed the buckets from Hallie, quickly dumping the water onto
the now smoldering fire.  Within a few moments, all that was left was smoke.

“So sorry, Mr.
David.”

“No, no, Kip,
don’t worry about that.”  David was studying Kip’s hand.  “You’ve got quite a
burn there.”

“I’ll be fine,
Mr. David.  Jane will fix me up.”

Jane had already
begun to bandage his hand.

Several hours
later, Caroline clutched onto her robe and stood before David’s door.  She
knocked several times.

“Yes, who is it?”

“It’s Caroline.”

“Just a minute.” 
A few moments later, he opened the door dressed in a long robe.  He leaned
toward her with his hands outstretched on the wooden molding around the doorway.

She shifted from
side to side as the fingers of David’s right hand began to drum against the
molding.

“Perhaps we can
finish our discussion somewhere else?” Caroline asked, in a quiet tone of
voice.

“Yes, down the
hall, in the upstairs study perhaps?”

“That’s fine.”
She looked up at him, then shifted awkwardly from one foot to the next. “I must
put Kathleen to bed first.”  Caroline returned to her bedroom where Jane was
attempting to put Kathleen to sleep.

“I think you
better settle her, Ma’am.”

“Yes, of course,
Jane.  Thank you.”

As Caroline lay
next to Kathleen on her bed, she began telling her a story.  “Once upon a time,
there were three bears:  a papa bear, a mama bear and a baby bear. . .”  After
a few minutes, she glanced at Kathleen, who was asleep.  She placed her in the
crib and waited for a few moments.  Caroline, exhausted, lay back on her bed
and found herself drifting off to sleep.

Chapter 40

David tightened
the tie on his robe and sighed with relief.  His wife, and he almost never
called her that, knew.  With relief came joy, but also fear of being rejected
by the only woman he had ever truly loved.