In Search of Satisfaction (46 page)

“When you came by.”

“I haven’t been by.” She stepped aside to hang up a gown.

Bowlegs raised his voice a little. “You haven’t been to my house since I saw you a week ago?”

Hosanna looked puzzled. “Has it been a week since I saw you? No, no I haven’t been by. I’ve been busy.”

Bowlegs stepped into her view, touched her shoulder, raising her up as she bent over a tub. “Doing what?”

“Working, Bowlegs. Using my time for me.”

“What’s that sposed to mean, Hosanna?”

Hosanna stopped working, straightened her back. “Bow, it means I am tired of you. I deserve better than you. You have to respect the person you are with. They have to respect you. I don’t respect you anymore. I haven’t for a long time, just didn’t realize it. I’m not trying to be smart, but I think you are a fool … or I am a fool.”

Bowlegs turned his body in a circle so she could see all of him and like it. “Ohhhh, Lord. I don’t want to hear that shit!”

Hosanna was looking at a garment. “You don’t have to. You asked me. You are at my house.”

Bowlegs changed his tactic as though what she was saying was unimportant. “Go get dressed, let’s go for a walk down by the river. It’s too hot out here.”

Hosanna was hanging up another garment. “I already had my walk. I went alone. I’m working now.”

Bowlegs couldn’t believe it. “You don’t want to walk with me?!”

“I already walked.”

“I want you to walk with me.”

Hosanna laughed softly. “Then you should have been here when I walked without you. I’m used to walking without you again. Now, I like it.”

“What you mean, what you said ‘a fool’?”

“Bow, darlin, nobody should have to beg anyone else to be happy for their own self. I worried about your food, your clothes, your sleep, your rest, your progress, your life! You don’t! You don’t worry about yourself and your progress and you don’t worry about me or mine. So …” She stopped to inspect something on a garment. “So why should I take my life and worry about your life when you don’t? Now, I’m taking my time back. I want to be happy. So I’m going to concentrate on making me happy! Not you!” She smiled at him. “But I wish you well. I sure do.”

“You always actin!”

“You think what you want to.”

“You can’t quit me, woman!”

“Why? Never had you. In all those two years and more, I’ve never
had you. You are playing hide and seek with life, Bow. Well, life ain’t no game.” She was getting angry in spite of herself. “One of these days life is going to hide and you will be the one seeking and won’t find it.”

“I’m a young man!”

“You are a day older today.”

“Girl, you know I love you.”

Hosanna stopped her work and looked at him again, her anger under control because he really was a pitiful fool. “Bow, I’m a woman. You’re a boy, that’s why you only want to be a ‘boyfriend.’ What a grown woman needs is a grown man. I love you, in your way.” He smiled. “But,” she continued, “I don’t want you anymore. You are not my type any more. Not what I’m looking for. I deserve better.”

He had been leaning on the porch and he straightened up. “Better!? You can’t get you no better!”

Hosanna laughed. “Oh, Bow. Is your world really that small? Mine isn’t. I’ve been reading my Bible, I read something I like, ‘Choose the thing by which you will live, or choose the thing by which you will die.’ I choose to live. Life with you ain’t living. Life with you is a misery. You lie. Oh, all that’s not important. It’s over. I don’t want no more.”

Bowlegs could not believe what was happening to him, he looked around to see if there was anyone who could possibly hear Hosanna. He said to her, as he looked, “You betta be careful what you say, cause I might not come back again. I ain’t got to beg no woman!”

Hosanna shook her head. “Don’t come back again. It won’t do any good, anyway. My mistake with you was, I wasn’t sure how much I believed in God, but I’m sure now. If I had done you His way, the way he suggested a man and a woman be together? Saved myself for my husband? A man who would love me enough to make me his wife? I would never have gone through the pain and misery I have gone through with you. Next time … I’m doing it His way. So … Bowlegs … don’t come back. Cause ain’t nothing here for you.”

Bowlegs knew Hosanna was a good woman, he did not want to lose her. He forgot to wipe the perspiration dripping now from his face. “Okay, Hosanna, I’ll marry you, if that’s what you want so bad.”

Hosanna looked at him with wonder. “Oh, Bow, honey, I don’t want just a man. Any man. I want a good husband who loves me and I love him.”

“I love you.”

“You may love me, Bow, but, you love you so much more. Now you go on and love yourself. I’m not asking for your love anymore. I love me now.” She was finished with the load of garments. She walked to the porch, climbing the steps. Bowlegs stood watching her, disbelieving what was happening. Hosanna raised a hand to wave good-bye. “See you later, Bow.” She went in and closed the door behind her. Her heart was hurting, hurting. Beating fast. But she knew she was right! She told herself, “I may hurt my own heart, but he won’t hurt it no more!”

Hosanna sat on her bed and, out of nowhere, she began to cry softly. “What is it I need? What is it everybody needs? To be loved and made love to. God, I’m not wrong. I need to be loved. You made it, it can’t be wrong. I just have to be sure it’s the right love. One that will truly satisfy. All my needs. And I’m sick and tired of waiting for it! I’m gettin old!”

Life was quiet after that day with Bowlegs. Hosanna took walks, cooked special things for herself, read, did a lot of thinking and was getting to be all right. Life was beginning to feel good again. She sat on the porch of her house one day eating a pomegranate, looking at the garden, thinking of her work, her savings and just feeling complete and good. She looked up and saw Lettie walking slowly down the dirt road to the house. She watched her approach. Smiling.

Lettie finally got there and slowly set her three children down by Hosanna, on each side. Hosanna spoke to the children, “Hey, Aunt Hosanna’s babies! Want some? Here.” Then she looked at Lettie. “You got to go somewhere, Lettie?”

Lettie didn’t smile, just said, “It’s your turn.”

“My turn what? Want one?” She held a pomegranate out.

“Your turn to take care of things. Raise somebody.”

“What you talking about, Lettie?”

“I’m leaving. I’m leaving. I can’t stay here. Ain’t nothin here for me. I can’t find no satisfaction here. I took care of everything when you left. Now I’m leaving these babies for you to take care of. Cause I’m goin.”

Hosanna set the fruit aside. “I didn’t leave. I was taken. Sent.”

“You wasn’t here.”

“Lettie, can you go off and leave your children after what you went through when Mama and Daddy died?”

“They left me.”

“Lettie, they died.”

“I ain’t gonna stay here till it kills me, too. You take em, I got to go.”

“How do you know I will take them, Lettie?”

“Take em or I’ll leave em in the road.”

“You got a home.”

“I ain’t made no payments.”

“Why, Lettie?”

“Got no money.”

“You drank and partied it up.”

“That’s my bizness, my way. Nothin else satisfies me.”

“That satisfied you?”

“No, but I could forget I wasn’t satisfied.”

“Oh, Lettie, Lettie.”

Lettie turned to go back up the road. Hosanna called after her. “You’re not gonna kiss your children good-bye?” The children started to cry. The little boy tried to get down off the porch to follow his mother. Lettie hesitated. Hosanna reached out her hand to her. “Come on in the house. Let me give them something to take their mind off you a minute. Don’t leave them no memory of you leaving them like this.”

Lettie sounded tired. “I went through it. Didn’t nobody wait and leave me right. Didn’t nobody help me.” She walked away.

Hosanna hugged the children. The little boy was crying so hard for his mother. The older girl didn’t cry, she just looked down the road at the speck her mother had become. Tears were in her head, but she didn’t let them come out of her eyes. She was hurt and felt very, very alone. Hosanna called to her, “Come on in the house now, baby. Aunt Hosanna got some milk and cake. You hungry?” The middle girl shook her head no, then yes. The oldest girl wiped her damp eyes with the back of her hand, took a deep breath, then went in the house, saying to Hosanna, “I’ll feed him. He won’t eat less I feed him.” And that’s how that part of Hosanna’s new life began.

l
uke and Richlene were still together though Emily took Richlene off with her to ’er apartment in the city. She thought the distance would help her mother prepare for a separation from Luke when it finally happened. Emily smiled to herself, “And it will come.”

Luke kept his word. He did not let Little Wisdom be alone with him when the store closed. It was hard because his memory was good and
thinking of her did things to his body he hadn’t known it would do. He was always standing behind some waist-high boxes or something to keep her from seeing any evidence of his private thoughts. He knew Richlene was growing away from him, “but she been faithful,” he said to himself, “so that’s what I’m gonna be if it kills me.” He shook his head. “Which is what it seems like it is gonna do!” Little Wisdom watched, worked hard every day and went on home to wait.

h
osanna took life one day at a time. She loved and cared for Lettie’s children, worked and saved. But she was young, a healthy woman, and nights got long and lonely, even as full as her life was.

Satan had heard her declaration to live according to God’s way and had sent in many snares. Men. Thoughts of making love. He even sent Bow back a few times. After long months when her body’s passion had gathered strength and enveloped her mind, she had stumbled once. She made an attempt to get to know a gentleman who came to court her favor. It had failed because in her judgement he was not made up of things she thought were necessary in a marriage, would not be a lasting satisfaction for her. He was a good man, he was just not for her. She pulled her dress back down and pinned it, this time, to her heart.

But her life was full. Hosanna had plenty to do. Lovey had written that Lincoln was going to handle Phillip’s tax department and that they would be moving back to Yoville except for three months out of the year when Lincoln must inventory all the accounts of Phillip’s empire, with his own staff, of course. Lincoln would be on call, but he could do the thing he most wanted to do: work the land.

They had purchased one of the houses in Yoville which had gone into foreclosure after the market crash. It was a very rich house, large and beautiful. “Cause we are going to have lots of children!” Lovey explained in her letter. Lovey was happy, but “I want to live in my own home since I’m bout to become a mother! Lincoln is thrilled to be a father!” Lovey’s letters came typed now. She wrote, “I learned to type so I could help Lincoln sometimes and we could be alone without his secretary all the time. When I get home, I am going to buy fifty typewriters for Sally’s school so those students can learn to type. Jobs, honey, jobs. And Lincoln says we have to think of taking some of this money he is making and set up scholarships for some of the smart, poor children there.” At the end of the letter, Lovey had written, “Chile, we miss our colored folks. These white folks, some of em is nice, but some of them? Chile they confused as they say we are. We want to be home with our own families.”

Hosanna was happy for her and happy they were coming home. Luke was doing fine in his store. He and Richlene were happy, but somehow changed. She didn’t have time to think of all that right now. With her nieces and nephew living with her, all her time was consumed. But how, and where, was Lettie? She never wrote home. That worried Hosanna.

Sometimes Hosanna saw Homer in the distance, he always seemed to be running, busy. She remembered him with pleasure. “He was such a kind man.” Sometimes she wondered if she had been wrong in how she had thought of him … then.

Time passes anyway and things mellow out. But loneliness does not go away unless it has a good reason, so she was still very lonely. Many nights, tossing and turning in her bed, sleepless. Thinking of “Who?” Wondering, “Who?” If ever he came, “Who will he be? What will he be?” to make her life complete.

One day Hosanna went to gather kindling to fill her kindling box and found it full. The next morning when she went out to prepare water for the wash, the leg on her tool table that had been weak and broken was fixed good as new. She had planned to get Luke to fix it for her. Flowers began to appear on the porch outside her door in the mornings when she came out. In time, a pair of pretty earrings or some small precious thing would be in among her tools, easily found.

Her heart became gladdened. She began to look for these things, these surprises. She almost thought it was Homer, but since she never saw him close enough and they never had occasion to speak, she thought it might not be. But so many things were done to make her job easier. No one ever said anything to her about these things.

Somehow, even alone, the nights became more romantic. Dreams do that. And loneliness. She would think, “Someone … he, is out there doing things for me. Why won’t he say something?” She longed to see him. Her dreams had gone so far as to long to feel his arms around her. She had made his arms good, kind, safe and full of satisfaction. “Why is he taking all this time to show himself?”

Hosanna took to putting the children to bed early to leave the night free. She would sit in the dark and peep out through the clean, starched curtains. Trying to see, wanting to know. Him.

On the morning Hosanna found a little brown radio at her door, she was thrilled and excited. And a little frustrated and angry, impatient. She stared into the space of trees, garden, thickets around her house. “He is spending big money, now. He has to really care about me. What’s wrong with him!”

She hollered, not harshly, out into the quiet morning space, “You better come on now, so you can listen to this radio with me.” There was no answer. All was quiet except for the soft whispering of the leaves and branches of the trees in the morning breeze. Hosanna went back in the house, plugged the radio in her new electric wall plugs and turned it on. The children got up, sleepy-eyed, to listen to the marvel of radio.