In the Line of Duty: First Responders, Book 2 (13 page)

Only he wasn’t, and she knew it.

“That scares you to death, doesn’t it?” he asked. She still couldn’t find the words to answer as everything seemed to freeze inside her. “The idea that someone might care for you. That someone might want to be with you. That someone might actually stick around.”

It was the last words that opened up something inside her. “You don’t know what it’s like,” she replied harshly. “You and your perfect family. You never had to wonder if you were loved. You probably had your clothes washed and groceries in the fridge and the heat on. You knew your father was coming home from work and that your mother would be there to soothe your hurts. Well, I never had that, Jake! So excuse me if I have a hard time believing you.”

“But you do believe me, and that’s the trouble, isn’t it?” His eyes blazed at her. “You know I mean it. I do care for you. I do want to be with you. And I might just stick around. It’s not me caring that scares you. It’s that you might just care for me. You might have to put yourself out there and care back. And then that runs the risk of someone disappointing you. So instead of letting yourself care for anyone, you build a wall around yourself so no one can get in.”

He stepped forward, tipped up her chin. “Except I did get in. The very last person you wanted.”

She stumbled backwards, away from the gentle warmth of his touch, away from his eyes that seemed to see right into the heart of her. “Can you give me guarantees?”

“Of course not. No one can.” He leaned back against the trunk of the tree. “God, Ken. I was in Afghanistan. I know how useless guarantees are. But it doesn’t take being a cop or a soldier to face risks. Life is a risk. Look at that girl in the accident. Sometimes things are out of our control. People leave. People die.” His voice shook on that last word. “But goddamn it, it doesn’t mean we stop living or looking for things to make life worthwhile.”

“I don’t know how.” It was the only answer she knew to give.

“I know that. It’s why I told you I wanted to take things slow. To step back. Because I knew words weren’t going to cut it. Because I knew I was going to have to show you.”

It was like he was holding out something beautiful and fragile. All she had to do was reach out and take it.

“You have to let people love you,” he said quietly. “Otherwise what’s the point?”

“I can’t.”

He let out an exasperated sound and began to walk away. But he didn’t get far. He spun back around and his face was dark and angry and perhaps, she thought, a little bit hurt.

“I was wrong,” he said, his voice hoarse. “I thought if I was honest, if we took it slow…but you have to be willing to meet me halfway. And you’re not.”

“So you’re giving up on me too?”

He shook his head. “No. You gave up on yourself. You know where to find me. I’m not going anywhere.”

He turned away and started walking. Back to the clubhouse. Away from her. Panic started to thread through her veins, making her heart beat fast. He was right. She knew he was right. But was it enough?

Was she strong enough? She was in love with him. She finally admitted that the feeling she’d been holding in was love. In love with how he made her feel. How he made her laugh, how he held her when she cried, how he seemed to understand what she was feeling without saying a word. She loved how he touched her and lit her on fire, and how he went up in flames himself beneath her touch. She loved him for his honesty. His…integrity. All the things she’d never known he was. In the short time they’d known each other, he’d shared them all with her.

And she’d shared so little back. And still he thought she was worth it.

How could she love him and survive him walking away?

But he was already walking away, wasn’t he? And she might never know what it was to be loved by him—truly loved.

He was halfway across the lawn now and he’d never paused. Never once stopped and looked back.

“Jake!”

She called out to him and started across the grass, careful steps as her chest constricted. He halted and turned around. The tenuous connection that always seemed to run between them flared to life. Her footsteps quickened until she was nearly jogging. And when she reached him she didn’t think, didn’t hesitate, didn’t analyze. She simply threw her arms around his shoulders, stood up on tiptoe and pressed her mouth to his.

His arms came around her and held her close as he kissed her back—full-on, open-mouthed, holding nothing back. His hand slid up her back and cupped the back of her head as he took control, holding her on her toes by cinching a strong arm around her waist.

“Don’t walk away,” she cried softly. “Please. I don’t want you to walk away.”

“I’m right here.”

“I know.” She kissed his cheek, the corner of his mouth. She tasted something warm and salty and realized she’d started crying. For a fleeting moment, she was embarrassed. They weren’t exactly being private, and any number of people could be witnessing the moment, including his parents. But for the first time in her adult life, she didn’t care.

“I’m so scared,” she confessed in a rush. “So afraid and unsure and lost. It worked for me but it’s not working anymore. Because if I stay that way I won’t have you. And suddenly that seems very, very important.”

“I never said it would be easy,” he murmured. “I never said it would be fast. And I don’t want to make promises you’re not ready for.” He cradled her face in his hands and kissed her, long and slow and deep. “That I might not be ready for either. But what can I say? I’m falling in love with you, Kendra, and I want to take the time to work at just being us. Because I think this might be
it
.”

He held her back at arm’s length and looked into her eyes. “But you need to be in it with me.”

She nodded, reassured by the warmth of his hands on her shoulders. “I’m in.” She swiped at the tears on her face. “Because I think I might be falling in love with you too.”

He pulled her close and tucked her head against his shoulder. Her visor was getting in his way so he reached for it and dropped it to the ground. He kissed her hair. “Then that’s all we need to know,” he whispered. “And we take the rest day by day.”

They stood there for long moments, settling, accepting, strengthening. Finally, Kendra stepped back and wiped the remaining moisture off her face. When she looked up, Jake was smiling at her.

“Okay?” he asked.

“Okay,” she answered, smiling back. It was a new feeling…this not being alone anymore. Scary, but good.

“Then there are some people I want you to meet,” he said, taking her hand. “My mom and my dad, properly this time. And the parents of the girl who’s sick. Are you up for that?”

She nodded, picking up her visor.

“You’re sure?”

She put it back on her head, pulling the ponytail through and giving the elastic a satisfying jerk. “We’re a team, aren’t we?”

He squeezed her fingers. “Yes, yes, we are.”

And together they walked toward the clubhouse.

Epilogue

Six months later

Kendra curled under the blankets further, snuggling against Jake’s back. The clock radio beside the bed was dark, and she lifted her wrist a little to push the button that illuminated the face of her watch. Ten past four. “Power’s out,” she murmured, shivering. “Heat’s off.”

Jake stirred. “For how long?”

“I don’t know. It’s flipping cold, so a while.”

A nor’easter blew outside, whipping snow and wind around the building as the temperature plummeted. Jake had closed the pub early due to the storm and they’d taken advantage of the early night to spend some time together. “Dammit, Jake, I’m going to have to put some clothes on.”

“We could always keep warm another way.”

She chuckled. “And last night you said I’d ruined you for a week.”

“I lied.”

She slipped out of bed in the dark and felt around for her underwear. Jake took a flashlight from the drawer, and she put on a pair of his sweatpants and a sweatshirt and hugged the fleece close to her body. The wind buffeted the windows and she shivered. “It’s really nasty out there.”

“I’ll build a fire in the fireplace. Maybe it’ll keep the pipes from freezing,” he said, pulling on sleep pants and a hoodie.

The living room was dark, but soon Jake had a fire blazing and he’d lit a few candles on the coffee table. “Come here,” he said, holding out his arm. She sat next to him on the sofa, curled into his embrace as he covered them with a blanket.

“This is cozy. All we’re missing is the hot cocoa and marshmallows.”

Jake smiled. “Maybe later.” For a few minutes, they stared at the dancing flames. Kendra looped her arm around his ribs and held on tight. Being with Jake was so good. She’d never thought she could love anyone this much—never thought she could ever trust anyone to love her back. But Jake showed her every day what patience and trust meant. He’d invited her into his family and she’d been welcomed there. It wasn’t always easy, and sometimes she was afraid it would all be taken away, but she was learning. And she got the feeling that whatever the future held for them, it was worth it to have this. Right now. Right here.

“I love you, Jake.”

He dropped a kiss on her hair. “I love you too.”

The fire snapped and crackled, and the apartment seemed incredibly peaceful without the hum of any lights or appliances. It was almost as if they were in a world all their own, just the two of them. She swallowed against a thickness in her throat, a feeling so sweet she was filled up with it. She could stay like this forever, she realized.

“Ken?”

“Mmm?”

“I’ve been thinking.”

“Yeah?” The fireplace was beginning to throw some heat now, and Jake was warm. She was getting a bit dozy.

“I can’t live above a bar for the rest of my life. I’ve been thinking about getting a house in the spring.”

Her eyes opened wider as she began to pay attention. “Really?”

“And a house is kind of big for one person. I thought you might like to live in it with me.”

She sat up, fully awake now. The blanket fell from her shoulders and puddled on her lap as she looked into his eyes. It was the half-grin that did it. She couldn’t resist that crooked smile and the gleam in his eyes.

“You’re asking me to move in with you?”

He shook his head. “Not exactly…” He took a breath, shifted on the couch and took her cold hands in his. “I’m asking you to live with me…as my wife.”

She bit down on her lip. Jake was proposing. In the middle of the worst storm of the winter, at four-thirty in the morning during a power outage, he was asking her to stay with him forever.

“The promises I couldn’t make to you last summer,” he said softly, “I want to make them to you now. I still don’t know what the future holds for us. No one does. But I know I want to promise you that I’ll do everything in my power to make you feel happy and loved and valued. I love you, Kendra. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to make that commitment.”

“Oh, Jake.” Her lower lip quivered. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Sure you do.” He grinned. “You weren’t the only one who was wandering through your life. You’re the one who made me want to look to the future again. I needed someone to challenge me, and you sure did that.”

Her answering laugh was full of emotion…was it joy? She thought it might be.

“Come on, Constable,” he said lightly, but there was a gleam in his eyes that spoke of a deeper, more beautiful emotion than she could name. “You know you want to.” He held out his hands, wrists together. Just like he had the night she’d put him in handcuffs and thrown him in jail.

“This isn’t the drunk tank,” she cautioned. “You don’t get out the next morning. You’d be shackled to me forever.”

“I certainly hope so.”

She smiled and put her hands over his wrists. “Then my answer’s yes.”

He gave a whoop and pulled her into his lap, kissing her lips and holding her close. She held on to him tightly, feeling for the first time ever like he was absolutely, irrevocably hers. The future seemed laid out before them, wide and unknown and full of possibilities.

“Just one more thing, Officer,” he whispered cheekily in her ear. “I do hope I get rewarded for good behavior.”

She giggled and shifted her weight suddenly, pinning him down on the sofa beneath her. “Oh, definitely,” she promised, and pulled up the blanket.

About the Author

A busy wife and mother of three (two daughters and the family dog), Donna Alward believes hers is the best job in the world: a combination of stay-at-home mom and romance novelist.

An avid reader since childhood, Donna always made up her own stories. She completed her Arts Degree in English Literature in 1994, but it wasn't until 2001 that she penned her first full-length novel, and found herself hooked on writing romance. In 2006 she sold her first manuscript.

Donna loves being back on the East Coast of Canada after nearly twelve years in Alberta where her Harlequin career began, writing about cowboys and the west. Donna's debut Harlequin Romance,
Hired by the Cowboy
, was awarded the Booksellers’ Best Award in 2008 for Best Traditional Romance.