Independent Jenny (5 page)

Chapter Eleven

After he left, I called Hayley and said if she was still up for it, a week somewhere warm would be wonderful. She said she’d already planned the week off work in the hope I’d call, and we arranged to meet the next evening to look on the internet and find somewhere to go.

After our phone call, I couldn’t stop thinking about Aiden. If only he weren’t my husband’s brother. If only Ross hadn’t begged me earlier. I tried to imagine their parents’ faces if Aiden told them he was with me now. They’d be angry, I decided. Let them be, I thought. This is Ross’ fault, not mine.

I got out my phone and wrote a text.

Hi Aiden. Going away with Hayley like you suggested. I will think long and hard, but just so you know … I can’t get your kiss out of my mind. Night night. Love, Jenny x

He replied a few minutes later and I smiled to myself as I read it.

Good. Get some space. I’m sorry I did that, I couldn’t help myself. You have no idea how irresistible you are. But whatever you decide is going to be fine with me, and I hope we’ll always be friends. Even if you take Ross back, please don’t worry about me. You’ve got to do what’s right for you. But until you know what you want, know this: you’re so special and you deserve happiness. Sorry for waffling on. Here if you need me, otherwise talk to you when you get back x

I smiled and went to sleep dreaming about that kiss.

“So I’ve got an idea,” Hayley said to me the next day when we met up for a coffee and to talk about potential holiday locations.

“Okay, hit me with it.”

“How about the Isle of Skye?”

I looked at her for a minute, wondering whether she was joking. The Isle of Skye looked beautiful and it was just the sort of place I might have planned to go to for a walking holiday with Ross, pre-cheating revelation.

What threw me was that it wasn’t Hayley’s sort of place at all. Hayley liked the sunshine. And cocktails. Lazing by the pool and swimming in the sea. Hills and rain and midges did not mix with my friend.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes. I know it’s not that exotic, but look.” She took her iPad out of her bag and showed me a bunch of photos she’d saved of mountains, lochs and sea views. “Doesn’t it look beautiful?”

“Stunning,” I agreed, “but the sun is shining in all these photos. What if it rains the whole time?”

“Well, we can buy some waterproof cagoules or something.”

“I’ve already got one.”

“Excellent. Well, what do you think? We can go hiking and stuff.”

“It sounds great, but not your sort of thing. I don’t understand?”

“Well, this trip is all about you. We could even take Wentworth.”

“But it’s your time off and your money, too. Plus I was imagining somewhere warmer to be honest.”

She bit her lip. Here came the real story. I knew there was some ulterior motive.

“Do you remember Guy?”

“How could I forget? Oh, I see! So it’s not all about me, after all?”

Guy was Hayley’s first serious boyfriend, and they were crazy about each other from the age of about fourteen until seventeen, when Guy’s family moved to Scotland. His father was a farmer and an opportunity came up, so he whisked his family away and they settled there. Hayley was devastated. She cried for weeks after he left. They emailed, sending little love notes and parcels to each other for a while. Guy promised he’d moved back down south as soon as he left school, but they drifted apart over time and eventually, Hayley moved on.

She started talking, quickly.

“You see, I think about him a lot. I guess I never really got closure. We didn’t split up as such and have an emotional goodbye, we just stopped emailing after a while. And I was happy enough, but since Kieran proposed to me, I can’t stop thinking about Guy. I know it’s stupid and we’ve both changed I’m sure, but I just wanted to see him again and find out how he is. Get some closure before I start planning my wedding.”

She spoke with such passion. More passion that I had for anything right now. I was envious.

“Can’t you just look him up on Facebook?”

“I did!” She pointed to her iPad again. “He’s not on there. I even looked up his brother, his parents, allsorts, but I can’t find anything. I tried the telephone number, but it’s no longer in use. So, if I want to find out where he is, I have to go up there.”

“What makes you think he still lives on Skye?”

“I doubt he does. But I have the address he moved to, so I thought I could see if he’s there, or speak to his parents if they are and, you know, just find out and get closure and move on.”

“What if he’s married?”

“I hope he is!”

I doubted that by the look on her face.

“Why?”

“Because I love Kieran, I really do. Honestly, Jenny, I’m not trying to reignite this thing with Guy. It was so long ago … I just want to find out how he is, that’s all. Get closure. Forget him. I can’t forget him right now, I think about him every day, I have no idea why but I won’t be able to commit and get married until I see him again.”

“I don’t know about this Hayley…”

“Please come with me? I know it’s not as exciting as jetting off to Greece or something but you do love walking, and look at these lush green hills!” She pointed at the photos again. “We’ll go out every day, come rain or shine. We’ll find a nice little pub and go for lunch. If the weather is nice we’ll chill on the beach. You’ll have time to think things through and really clear your head. It’s just one day during the trip that I’d like to go see him, if he’s there.”

I did like the idea of going to Skye. It looked beautiful. Plus, I’d save some money. I hadn’t even thought about how I’d afford to live on my own yet but it would be better not to blow too much of my savings on this trip.

“How were you thinking we’d get there?”

“I thought it’d be a fun road trip. We can take it in turns to drive, take some yummy snacks, put some good music on…”

“And what if Guy is single and cute as ever? Are you just going to say hi, find closure, and come back to Kieran and forget him?”

“I know it sounds crazy, I do, and I know I’m not seventeen anymore and I don’t want to hurt Kieran. But I just need to do this. So I can go up there one weekend alone, or we can incorporate it into our holiday and you can be there to listen and see how it pans out.”

I looked at her face. She was so keen, and I figured the likelihood of Guy still being in the same house was slim. He didn’t want to move up there in the first place and had probably escaped long ago. And it did sound like fun.

So, I agreed and while Hayley whooped with delight, I used her iPad to book us a week’s stay in a cottage on the Isle of Skye.

Chapter Twelve

We spent the next few days packing. Hayley read that there wasn’t much on Skye other than a Co-op and a few pubs and castles. No Tesco even.

“What sort of a place doesn’t have a Tesco?” Hayley whined. I thought it sounded rather wonderful.

So we stocked up on food for the week and bought Hayley a waterproof jacket and some hiking boots.

I made myself so busy I didn’t have time to see Ross or Aiden, and decided it was probably better not to, anyway. I still thought of Aiden every moment I had spare and couldn’t see myself coming back from the trip and wanting Ross back. Shane convinced me I needed more time to make the decision and so I tried not to analyse everything too much, figuring I’d think about it while away and make a decision by the time I returned from Skye.

The Friday night before the trip, I made myself beans on toast. As I opened the butter, I found another thing to add to the list of things I wouldn’t miss about Ross if I lived alone: toast crumbs had invaded. Yuck. Why did he always do that? I bet Aiden never did.

As I sat eating, I really started to think. I was no longer madly in love with Ross. That much was clear. I was embarrassed more than heartbroken now.

As for Aiden, my crush was still very much there, growing stronger every time I thought about that kiss. But maybe he was right. Maybe he was just the first kind man around after Ross.

I couldn’t allow him to be a rebound, he deserved better. But the way he looked at me … the way he kissed me – it had to be real with the feelings I had.

Then there was option number three. The sensible choice, given the facts. Walk away from them both and get a flat.

Maybe Aiden could come and visit me… Oh. Back to thinking about him again.

At 8pm Hayley arrived and I told her about Aiden. She listened intently, mouth agape.

“Why didn’t you tell me the other day?”

“Confusion. Embarrassment.”

“Well, Skye seems a great place to clear your head. You’ll feel better soon, I bet.”

“I hope so.”

After a bunch more questions, Hayley produced a carrier bag.

“What’s this?”

“Some stuff I kept from our school days.”

She tipped it out on my coffee table and we rifled through a bunch of photographs of us with our friends. We giggled, talking about the girls and boys we knew, both of us remembering fun times we’d had and stories about the people we hadn’t seen for years. It was funny, how friends could become strangers; well, that’s if you discounted the Facebook posts where we silently stalked each other without actually communicating in anyway, other than liking each other’s holiday snaps and baby photos.

There was a cassette tape with hearts drawn on it in red felt tip.

“What’s this?”

“Ah, that is what Guy sent me from Skye a month or so after he left. I played it so many times it’s worn down.”

I remembered she made him one too. We spent hours discussing the songs she’d add.

“And here we are.”

Hayley pushed a photo towards me of two young teenagers in love, their faces so familiar to me. They really were crazy for each other back then. No wonder she’d never quite got over her first love when they’d not even broken up face to face. I looked through a handful of other photos, including one of me with Guy’s brother, Will. We’d had a bit of a thing back then too. I hadn’t thought of him for years.

“Will was cute, huh?” said Hayley, looking over my shoulder.

“Yes, but we were never as serious as you and Guy.”

“Guy and I even talked about getting married when we were older.”

“Why did you lose touch, do you think?”

“I guess our emails just got shorter and shorter. He wasn’t much of a typist anyway and the internet was so slow back then. Took forever to dial up, do you remember?”

“Yeah, and I remember you moaning about it, too. So you’ve been thinking about him over the years, and you’ve never said?”

“On and off, yes. I know you think this is a bit crazy, but I’m really not trying to hurt Kieran, and I do love him. I just want to see Guy, say hello, and I’m sure I’ll realise as soon as I do that this is all stupid. It’s just something I have to do.”

“I know.”

I didn’t really understand, but I was happy to go along with her own drama and push mine to the back of my head for a while. I couldn’t wait to see the mountains, breathe some fresh air, and somehow sort my head out. I was pretty sure I couldn’t return any more confused than I was now, anyhow.

Finally, we agreed to go to bed. She hugged me at the door to the spare room.

“See you bright and early. Five am, right?”

“Right.”

We said our goodnights and once under my duvet I texted Aiden.

Going to the Isle of Skye tomorrow. Don’t tell Ross, I don’t want him to follow me up there. I’m pretty sure it’s over between us. Not sure what my next move is, but thinking about you a lot x

I waited for what felt like ages, but was only a few minutes, for his reply.

That’s great, would love to go there walking myself someday. Have a lovely time. I’m thinking about you too but there’s no pressure. Clear your head and we’ll talk when you’re back… Have a really nice time xx

I read it a few times and then compared it with the text Ross had sent me earlier that day.

I hope you have a nice time and miss me and come back to me, I can’t live without you so you need to find a way to forgive me. Don’t throw our love away Babe xx

How come Ross was all about himself and Aiden was all about me?

I closed my eyes to think about Aiden: about his strong arms, kind looks, sweet words. and that wonderful kiss … and for the first time since Ross had told me about his infidelity, I fell asleep straight away.

Chapter Thirteen

The sleep didn’t last long. I was awake again at 1am. I lay in bed thinking about the photos Hayley had bought over. It seemed so long ago, and yet I could remember so much: the irrational thoughts; the mood swings; the horrible teachers and the nicer ones; the friends and enemies we had.

As teenagers, Hayley and I had a pretty different approach to life.

We were fourteen when she first told me she fancied Guy, and she soon set about ways to make sure something would happen between them. One Saturday morning, I was sitting peacefully in my mother’s dining room trying to get my head around some particularly boring homework when Hayley knocked on my door and absolutely insisted I came with her to the cinema. I told her I needed to get my work done but she said I’d have the whole weekend to get it done. She pleaded until I agreed and soon we were on the bus.

“I’m starving,” Hayley told me as we got closer to the centre of town. She was always hungry, but I knew better than to mention this.

“We could share some popcorn,” I suggested.

“And some chocolate!”

It was only when we were in the queue for food that I realised why she’d been so desperate to come; Guy and a few of his friends were hanging around in the lobby. He caught my eye and nodded, then came over.

“Hello ladies.”

I felt myself blush and looked at Hayley, who was grinning from ear to ear.

“Hey, what film are you seeing?” Hayley asked him.

What a coincidence, we were seeing the same film. I threw her a knowing look to let her realise she’d been rumbled; she’d obviously known they were coming and that’s why she was so desperate to make me go with her that morning. She ignored me and we spent the rest of the day with Guy and his friends; Hayley flirting and touching Guy at every opportunity, me feeling shy and embarrassed whenever one of his friends spoke to me.

Hayley was always coming up with plans for adventures. She organised trips to theme parks or London; one time she even convinced a teacher to help her organise a weekend in Paris. I was always by her side, ready to assist, while at the same time trying to keep my head down and get through school as quickly and quietly as possible.

We had different opinions on nearly everything. We liked different music, different films, different TV shows. I liked to sit at home on a Friday night and read a book. Hayley liked to go out with Guy and smoke weed in the underpass between her house and his, then snog his face off until the sun came up. I liked boys a lot, but I wasn’t confident enough to get a boyfriend. If a cute boy so much as smiled at me, my face flushed red as a tomato and he was sure to pass me by before I had a chance to speak. But it didn’t bother me. I’d seen enough of my mother’s failed relationships and was never desperate for love.

I did, however lose my virginity at Hayley’s sixteenth birthday party. Her parents were pretty liberal and very trusting, so they’d gone to stay at a hotel for the night. She invited a bunch of friends over and we drank cider, ate pizza and talked about what we’d do when we left school. We were always talking about the future, wishing our lives away.

Guy was there, of course, and he bought a bunch of his friends, including his older brother, Will. They looked nothing alike. Guy had wild scruffy hair that came down past his jaw, and wore faded jeans and band t-shirts, while Will was more clean-cut and dorky. Way cuter, too, in my opinion.

It was past one in the morning when I went out to sit on the swing in Hayley’s garden. Most of my friends were canoodling with most of Guy’s friends and I’d just been sitting in the corner, feeling awkward, so I went outside to get some air. The cider had gone to my head and I felt a bit queasy. Until Will came and sat next to me.

We’d always known each other, in an ‘acknowledge one another in the hall’ sort of way, and we’d had a few conversations now and then, but I’d never really thought of him much until he leant against the swing post and smiled. He looked nervous, which somehow made him even cuter.

“Hi Jenny,” he said.

“Hi Will.”

“A bit much in there, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, not my scene really.”

“Me neither. I only came to get out of spending the evening with my parents and their friends.”

I laughed. “Me too.”

“Don’t you want to be here? I thought Hayley was your best friend?”

“Yeah, but she’s much more outgoing than me.”

“I know.”

I looked up at him and he smiled at me, causing my pulse to quicken just a little. A breeze blew through the garden and I shivered.

“Cold?”

“A bit,” I admitted, although I made no move to go inside the house.

“Come over here,” he said, getting up and walking to a wooden bench. I went and sat next to him and he wrapped himself around me and rubbed my arms.

“Better?”

“Yes, thank you,” I just about managed to utter.

I turned to look at him, just about making out the lust in his eyes in the darkness and then he leaned in and kissed me. From nowhere, I somehow found the confidence I’d never had before and led him to Hayley’s parents’ spare bedroom. We fumbled around a bit, and then our clothes were off and we were having sex. Just as I was starting to think I understood what the big deal was, it was over.

We were boyfriend and girlfriend for a year after that. I was quite impressed with myself, having a boyfriend who was in the year above us at school. We didn’t declare our love over and over like Hayley and Guy, in fact we never even said ‘I love you’ at all. There was plenty of chemistry, and we fooled around a lot, but sometimes I felt we were very close friends who enjoyed being naked together rather than we were soul mates. We spent most of our time together talking, sometimes about superficial stuff but mostly trying to decide what the meaning of life was and what the future held. The heavy stuff that teenagers contemplate seemed lighter when I was with Will, who was much more mature than any of the other boys I knew.

We’d been together for almost a year when he told me he’d been accepted at the University of Edinburgh. He hinted that we’d see each other when he came back for breaks, but then his parents announced they were moving to the Isle of Skye to take up a farming opportunity, so the chances of him coming south were slim.

“So, I guess we’ll just be friends then yeah?” I said, when he told me. His face was blank and for the first time since that night in Hayley’s garden, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

“I guess so. I mean, it’s a long way.”

I hesitated, thinking about whether I wanted this to end or not. I wasn’t sure I liked the idea of hours of waiting for him to call, or write, or visit.

“Yes, and you know what they say about long distance relationships…”

He nodded. “Let’s keep in touch though, yeah?”

“Of course. You’re one of my best friends.”

“You are my very best,” he said, smiling his cute smile and pulling me in for a hug.

Hayley and Guy didn’t take the news about Skye so well. There were tears, screams, shouts. Hayley tried to convince him to stay and suggested they both drop out of school and find a place together, but he said he wasn’t going to make her give up her life for him. So they promised to email every single day and agreed they’d go to the same university. It was only a year or so to wait until they were together again.

I tried to tell Hayley she couldn’t plan her education and pick her university based solely on a boy, but she was having none of it. She’d always acted with her heart, always on impulse and with passion.

The day before they left, Will and I went out for dinner at Pizza Hut. He was quiet and distant and I asked him why.

“I guess I’m just a bit overwhelmed about moving,” he confessed.

“It’s a long way, I guess.”

“And very different, even when I go visit the folks. Mum and Dad are so excited about it, but Guy’s so miserable and moaning all the time about missing his mates and Hayley and only having sheep for neighbours.”

“And you?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’ll be away at university most of the time, and I don’t mind going home somewhere remote and quiet in the holidays. It looks pretty.”

“I’ll miss you. We should write to each other,” I said, wondering if we would. I liked him a lot but he wasn’t the love of my life. I’d seen my mother have enough of those to know that.

“I’ll miss you too. We’ll definitely keep in touch.”

We had a reasonably nice goodbye, a long hug and a quick kiss. I felt sad, but not heartbroken. Unlike Hayley.

She and Guy sent each other soppy emails, and she would moan about the internet dial-up, and how slow it all was. Sometimes she showed me their messages. They were pretty much just moaning about how much they missed each other, to start with. But gradually, the emails became shorter. And less regular. Then it just fizzled out and one day he didn’t reply to her email. And she didn’t seem that bothered, at the time. She fancied some guy she met while working at the cinema and that was that. Or so I thought.

We drifted apart for a while after we finished school. I was in Bath, Hayley was in Manchester. We occasionally emailed each other but I didn’t see her for a few years.

Then, just before I got married, she called me and said she was living in Bath too. Our friendship was renewed and we got on better than ever before, despite our still obvious differences; even to look at us it was apparent. Hayley was always in her designer clothes; Prada suits and Jimmy Choo (who?) shoes. Me in my supermarket-bought tops and Converse All-Stars. She wore make-up every day, I saved it for special occasions.

Yet, we got on. We clicked. We could make each other laugh and we both shared a love of good food, good wine, and chocolate cake. What more do you need from your best girlfriend?

Occasionally, we’d talk about the old days, about our school friends, about the brothers who’d moved to the Isle of Skye. About the funny things we’d done and thought and said back then. She never gave me any indication that she was still thinking about Guy in any way other than as a fond memory. I’d never have guessed she was still thinking about him like that.

Hayley met Kieran in a pub not far from the Travelodge in Bath. Come to think of it, maybe it was the same pub that Ross had met his latest conquest … Anyway, they had a drunken kiss and that was that. They dated each other for a year, moved in together, and got engaged just before Ross dropped his bombshell and we split up.

We were split up, right? Separated? I wasn’t sure. It still kind of felt surreal to think of myself as a single woman, no longer married. An almost-divorcee. I tried to picture myself living alone and the thought made me feel physically sick. Anyway, I wasn’t going to think about Ross and that situation right now. I’d far rather concentrate on someone else’s problems. Like my crazy friend in the spare room.

So, when I thought about it … Hayley loved Kieran. I knew that. He was adorable; so romantic and sweet to her. Worshipped the ground she walked on. Ran around after her. Put up with her fickleness and whims. He was handsome, smart, and always the perfect gentleman. She’d even told me that he picked up after himself and never left his socks on the floor, like Ross did. She didn’t know how lucky she had it, and I made a mental note to tell her that on our journey to Skye in the morning.

I wondered if she’d find Guy there or not. It seemed unlikely but I had a nagging feeling as I lay in bed, that maybe this trip was actually a very, very bad idea. What if Guy was single, as attractive to Hayley as ever, and wanted to start up again? Wouldn’t that just confuse Hayley? Wouldn’t she end up hurt? Mind you, the chances were, he’d moved on by now. We’d probably just find his parents and they’d tell her he was married with four kids and she’d get over it. I hoped so, anyway.

What if Will was there? That’d be weird. Although I liked the idea of finding out what he was up to these days. I imagined him married with children. He’d wanted to be a vet and I pictured him visiting his father’s farm, walking around in wellington boots and caring for any sick livestock.

I looked at the clock. This time tomorrow I’d be in Skye and Ross would be here in this bed, which felt strange. Wentworth shuffled around and I cuddled up next to him, stroking his tummy.

I closed my eyes and thought about Ross’ actions and felt the sadness that’d been floating around me turn into anger again. I found my mobile and I called him.