Indiscretion: Volume Four (14 page)

Tears pricked the corner of my eyes and, when I blinked, a single drop escaped and slid down to my chin. I quickly wiped it away.

My cell phone rang in my pocket, but I ignored it. When it rang again, I fished it out to see that it was my father calling.

I sighed heavily, then answered. “Now is really not a good time.”

“Well, make time because we have a problem on our hands.” He was all business and heartless, as usual.

I lowered my head between my knees and gripped my hands in my hair, forcing my personal crisis to the back of my mind. It might be good to try and concentrate on something else for a moment. “What now?”

“They’ve determined the cause of the accident.”

“And?”

“There was some type of problem with the structural steel. It gave way under the weight of the structure and that section of the building collapsed.”

“Jesus Christ.” My thoughts skipped back to Paul telling me he was having some issues with the steel supplier, but I’d known him for years—he would never knowingly condone sub-par materials being used on site.

“That’s all you have to say?” he asked with disgust. “They’ve completely shut down our site. We have to demo everything to the ground, and that’s all you have to say? What kind of job site are you running down there?”

His voice was heated, and I couldn’t take anymore. With everything on my mind, I snapped. “I can’t fucking do this right now!”

He was silent on the other end. Probably in shock. I can’t remember the last time I yelled at my father. We’d get heated often, but I never raised my voice to him. All part of trying to live up to his expectations, I suppose.

“Maximus, what the hell is going on?” he bit out.

Did I tell him? I exhaled audibly, unsure of what to do. I’d barely wrapped my mind around it myself. I wasn’t ready to discuss it with him and get some brand of ‘buck up and take it like a man’. The fact was, though, he’d find out I was in New York in a day or two, asking the same question anyway.

“I had my follow up at the hospital today.” I swallowed hard and forced myself to continue. “They found something during some routine tests.”

He sucked in a breath. “What did they find?” he asked with a shaky voice. Was that actual concern I heard in his voice?

“I have acute leukemia.” The words stuck in my throat. “I don’t know much more than that at this point. I need to get back to the city and find a doctor and start treatment immediately. Apparently, it can progress quickly.”

There, I’d done it. Actually voicing it aloud to another person made it that much more real. That much more frightening that I might not walk away from this. I didn’t want to even think about how many more people I would have to tell before this was all over. I sent a small prayer up that ‘over’ didn’t mean I was six feet below ground.

I was so deep in my own thoughts that I didn’t realize my dad hadn’t said anything in response. “Dad, you still there?”

He sniffed and it sounded a lot like he was crying. “I’m here, son.” Another sniff. His voice was oddly thick but stoic, determined. “Don’t you worry about anything. You just get yourself home. We’re going to find the best doctors, and we’re going to beat this.”

It didn’t escape my notice that he’d said ‘we’ and not ‘you’. For some people that would mean nothing. But in my world, with my dad—it was everything.

I nodded to myself, needing a moment as I wrapped my mind around the emotion in my father’s voice and this very unlikely turn of events. It was all starting to get to me. I cleared my throat before I told him, “I have a few things to wrap up here, and then I’m headed home. Tomorrow sometime, at the latest, but more than likely tonight.”

“For Christ sake,” he muttered angrily. “Don’t worry about work. Paul will handle it, and if he can’t I’ll find someone who will.” The tone of his voice sounded more like the good ol’ dad I was used to. The words were all wrong, though.

I had to clear my throat again. “I need to let Paul know what’s going on, and there’s one other thing I need to do, then I’ll be home. Can you send the plane and I’ll call the pilot when I’m ready to go.”

“I will. But don’t drag it out. I want you home and being looked after by medical professionals as soon as possible.”

“I know. Me, too.” As my new reality began to set in, I both dreaded the inevitable chemotherapy, and wanted to start it as soon as possible so I could get it over with.

“Alright, let me know when I can expect you.”

“I will. One more thing.” I hesitated, hoping he’d be able to grant me this.

“Anything. What do you need?” His words rang true, shocking me further.

I sighed. “Can you hold off on telling mom?” My voice cracked a bit around her name, but I took a deep breath and gained my bearings again. “I’d prefer to do it myself.”

Another pause and a sniff. “Sure thing. And, son?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you. Safe travels.”

He hung up before I could respond, which was fine because my jaw was hanging open. I don’t think my father had uttered those three words to me since before my brother’s accident.

I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. Discussing my cancer out loud with my father had been surreal.

Cancer.
I
had cancer.

Not someone else I knew. Not a friend of a friend I’d met a couple of times. Not a coworker. Me.

Despite my jumble of emotions, I was sure that the diagnosis probably hadn’t completely set in, and I knew that the days and weeks ahead would be a blur. One thing was abundantly clear, though. I had to tell Chloe I’d be leaving. I knew when I’d started this with her that this day was coming, knew it was inevitable, but this wasn’t how I thought it’d go down.

I stood from the hard rock and took one last look at the ocean and town below. I thought of the seagulls I’d seen through my hotel window every day. The way they’d sit on top of the water, relaxed, carefree, knowing life would bring them whatever they needed, and all they really had to do in that moment was be patient and let the water float them along. I would need to be like them in the months ahead. Stay afloat, on top of the water, moving with the buoyancy, the ebb and flow of what was to come. I couldn’t let myself be overcome by a large wave or I’d find myself under the water, unable to breathe.

If I could stay afloat, things would be okay.

Max

I stood on Chloe’s porch with my hand on the door knob. I’d been standing like this for at least five minutes, trying to build up the will to go inside. With a deep inhale, I put the key Chloe had given me when leaving that morning in the lock, twisted the knob and walked in.

“Chloe?” I called out, making my way to the back of the house. I found her in the living room.

When she saw me, her face lit up and she bounded up off the couch. She hugged me and I returned it, not knowing how long it would be before I could hug her again after today. “I’m so glad the doctor said you’re doing better,” she said, still squeezing me tight.

I ignored the pang in my chest at her comment. “Yeah, it’s quite a relief.”

She pulled away and looked up at me, her dark eyes twinkling. “I’ll say.” It was apparent to me that she was amped up about something, but I had no idea what.

“We need to talk,” I said, my voice thick.

She frowned at me. “That’s not usually a good thing when someone puts it like that.”

Fuck.
She had no idea. I steeled myself, hoping to get through telling her without getting too emotional. I could fall apart later if I needed to, but I didn’t want to upset Chloe anymore than needed. “While I was out I got a call from my father.”

The relief that washed over her face was instantaneous. “You heard, then. Mr. Cullen called me and told me about the steel problem.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You know what’s going on?”

She nodded. “I’m up to speed. They shut down the Tribute site as well for similar concerns.” She frowned again. “My bonus isn’t going to happen.”

Shit
. I hadn’t even thought about how this might affect her, I’d been so wrapped up in my own shit.

I brought my hands to her upper arms and squeezed. “I’m so sorry.” I knew what a big deal it was for her to buy into the brokerage.

She bit her lip, looking a little nervous. “I’m upset. And I realize that this must change things for you, too, but I want to say something before I lose my nerve.”

I had no idea what she could be talking about, but I nodded at her to continue.

She took a deep breath and dove in. “When this thing between us started, I could have never anticipated that I’d grow to care about you the way I have. I know we said it was just going to be a fling and nothing would come of it, but I want you to know that I
want
something to come of it.”

She went on in a rush, her voice growing somewhat shaky, anxious. “I tried denying my feelings for you, pretend they didn’t exist, but you need to know that I love you, Max.” Her eyes on me were wide, full of emotion. “Somewhere along the line you stole my heart, and I’ve never felt this way about anyone. Being with you was the first thing I’d done in so long that was solely for me. I gave up my own version of my future when my mom passed away, though I don’t regret it for minute. I was so used to sacrificing for everyone else, but you made me see that there’s nothing wrong with having something just for myself.” She brought her hand to my cheek and grazed her thumb across my bruise, the one that should’ve healed quicker and didn’t—for devastating reasons. “I realize you may not feel as strongly for me, but I know you feel something. I want to be with you in whatever way I can. You have my heart, Max. And I don’t want it back.”

Fuck.

I closed my eyes. I could barely take in a breath. If it were any other day, any other situation, Chloe’s speech would’ve been the best fucking news I’d received in my entire life. But it wasn’t any other day. It was today. And as much as it pained me, I knew what I had to do.

The image that kept pervading my mind, as she spoke of the sacrifices she’d made, was of me crying over my brother’s dead body. There was a good chance that could be Chloe a few months from now. And that gutted me. I knew what it was to watch someone you cared for drift away—to see the life leave their eyes, never to return.

I pictured her keeping vigil by my bedside for months while I fought this damn disease. And there was no guarantee I would win that fight. It was an agonizing reality, but one I was being forced to face.

I couldn’t do that to her. She’d already suffered the loss of her mother, and I refused to put her through that again. Not if I could prevent it.

I loved her too much for that.

I exhaled long and hard as that thought struck me. Just admitting it to myself was such a relief.

I loved her. I loved every little thing about her, which was why I had to end it. I’d have to push her away and break her heart now because I didn’t even know if I’d be around to receive her love in the future. One clean break would be easier than watching a different piece of her heart chip away, day after day.

She stood in front of me, holding my heart—though she’d never know it. My pulsed raced, knowing what I needed to do—for her own good.

I knew with certainty that I loved her with everything in me—that she was it for me. There’d be no other like her, regardless of whether I had five months left or fifty years. The pain of knowing I may never set eyes on her beautiful face again, or hear her laugh, or have her teach me another one of the strange words she knew, made my chest literally ache. It was the biggest sacrifice I’d ever made, because every fiber of my being wanted to be with her—for however long I had left. But I had to leave her to allow her to really live, for the first time in her adult life.

Though I wanted to breakdown, I put on my mental armor for what was to come and took a step back from her, removing her hand from my face. I wiped all emotion from my eyes. “Chloe, we talked about this before we started fucking. No strings, no commitment. You remember that conversation, don’t you?” I said with irritation I didn’t really feel toward her.

Her smile faltered. “Yes,” she responded, so quietly I could barely hear her.

It was already breaking me to know I was breaking her, but I couldn’t stop. Not now. Fury simmered inside me that I’d been handed this shitty deal and had to do this in the first place. I was pissed I had to push away the woman I’d come to realize could’ve been my forever, had the situation been different. I’d use that anger and redirect it to accomplish what I needed to with Chloe.