Infinite Fear (5 page)

The game of sexual cat and
mouse that Nina and I just played was exhausting. For the first
time since I walked in the door, I actually took a look around the
apartment. It was a single studio, with a small bathroom off to one
side, a barely-there kitchenette, and a double bed and worn sofa
loveseat within inches of each other.
It’s
definitely minimalist.
Besides the
expensive looking sound system in the corner, there are no other
personal touches in here. No photo frames. No unopened mail on the
table. No quirky collectibles from random travels.

Nina walks over, wearing nothing but my
T-shirt and hands me a cup of coffee before walking over to the
window, opening it and lighting a cigarette.

“So, is this a routine?” I ask, gesturing to
the lit cigarette.

“Good things come in threes,” she
replies.

“So…coffee, cigarette and…” I ask, trying to
fill in the blanks.

“Cock,” she answers confidently.

“Wow!” I answer in shocked amusement. “So do
you have many cocks strolling in an out of this joint?”

“Not at all,” Nina replies. Her face
contorts into a bizarre mixture of amusement and offense. “I just
choose my conquests well. It’s a talent.”

“Well, it’s not your only one,” I answer
with a grin. “So, you’re in college? What do you do exactly?”

Nina stubs the cigarette out on the
windowsill and falls next to me on the bed. “I like you for this,”
she says sliding her hand over my dick, which instantly hardens at
her touch. “But that’s it. I’m not looking to share my history, or
my dreams, or my fears, or even my thoughts with you. That is not
what I want, not at all. And if we can’t hang under those
circumstances, then we can’t hang at all. Are we clear?”

She’s not really asking me
if I’m happy to be her casual fuck. She’s telling me that that’s
what I am, and giving me an out if I want it. That said, I feel
like I’ve just been schooled. Shana and I never did that. Nina is
wild, impulsive, and defiant. Shana was sweet but extremely
inhibited. A real good girl. And I loved having sex with her
because I loved her.
With Nina, this was
something else
.

I turn to Nina and slowly pull my shirt over
her head. “I’m gonna need this,” I say with a grin. Her naked body
laid out in front of me looks like yet another delicious meal,
ready to be devoured, but I have to get Julius’ money to him before
he sends someone to find it.

At the risk of sounding even remotely
clingy, I ask Nina as I’m walking towards the door, “So when will I
be seeing you again?”

“When you see me,” she answers simply,
slipping on a button down denim shirt. I think about asking if
she’ll call, but decide against it and leave.

No need to scare away the
hottest sex I’ve ever had
. Besides, I
fucking invented no strings sex. I can handle her. For the first
time since Shana left, I managed to fuck someone else and not see
her face.
Now that was
progress
.

* * *

Julius looks relieved when I walk into the
club, almost as if he expected to have to send his boys to find me
in Mexico. Since Emmanuel is otherwise detained, he motions for me
to sit on the lounge with him. I turn purposely to the side, to
avoid having to continually stare at the very scantily clad and
clearly very high stripper who’s molesting the pole in front of
him.

“Shame about Emmanuel,” Julius says,
lighting a cigarette. There is not one ounce of sincerity in his
voice. “He called me to say the bail is set at fifty grand.”

“Are you gonna bail him out?” I ask Julius,
almost certain I already know the answer.

“Nah man, I don’t have that
kind of money,” he says with a laugh.
Lying motherfucker.
“I’ll see what I
can do. But I need someone to take his place in the meantime,”
Julius says, leaning forward. “And since you already know the drop
points and most of the clientele-”

“What’s in it for me?” I ask plainly. I
really shouldn’t be fucking around with a guy who would leave his
own cousin in jail, and who also has no problem with blowing my
brains out for looking at him wrong. I realize now that since Shana
left me, I have had very little regard for my own life.

“I’ll let you keep both yours and Emmanuel’s
cut,” he offers.

I think about the scenario. I could actually
get the fuck out of this town and away from all the memories of
Shana after just a few months of doing this shit. “Okay,” I agree,
“but I set the terms.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”
Julius looks like he’s getting pissed.

“I choose the exchange
points. I only exchange solo, one on one. And you give me the
option of pulling out when I need to,” I say.
The last condition is the most important.
Selling yourself to someone like Julius permanently in this
neighborhood is like selling your soul to the devil.

“Done,” he says. I lay the bag with the cash
on the lounge next to him, and wait for him to hand me a stack of
bills.

“Eva already took Emmanuel’s cut,” I explain
when he examines the bag further.

“Of course she did,” he scoffs, handing me
the cash. Even the dude that only beds strippers knows that Eva is
a gold digger.

I take the cash and the burner phone that
Emmanuel tosses me and make a quick exit, away from the club and
everyone in it. Amber makes a grab for my dick on the way out, and
yells that I’m an asshole when I dodge and she misses.

I’m about to drive off in the Camaro when a
tapping at my window stops me from accelerating. Jade’s face greets
me as I turn my head. Rolling down the window, I see a Mini Cooper
pull away and the person inside giving Jade a wave.

“Twice in one day, are you stalking me?” I
tease.

“Sweetie, you have nothing that I want,” she
replies sarcastically.

“Bullshit, I have something everyone wants,”
I rebut. “What are you doing here?”

“Picking up my cash from the gig last
night,” she replies.

“Really, not here for the show?” I grin.

Jade rolls her eyes dramatically. “There is
nothing worth looking at in this hole in the wall club. Wait for
me, I’ll be a few minutes.”

I turn the engine off, my
mind drifting back to Nina. I lose myself in the memory of her
riding my dick.
She definitely brings out
the freak in me, that’s for damn sure.

Jade jumps in the car, startling me out of
my almost-wet daydream. “Let’s go,” she smiles.

Given that the sun is low on the horizon,
Jade and I decide to grab dinner. I love the fact that we can hang
out again. For the first year after Shana left, we all but avoided
seeing each other. The memories were too real and raw. Shana
leaving not only broke both of our hearts, but also caused a divide
in our friendship. I was grateful that it had begun to mend
itself.

We drive over to a small café a couple of
miles from our neighborhood. Jade likes this place because it isn’t
usually frequented by too many locals. In fact, we’ve often
wondered how they stay in business. Usually whenever we’ve been
there, there’s been us, a waitress, and maybe two other patrons
there at most. But mainly, we go there because it’s one of the few
places where Jade, Shana and I never hung out. It’s devoid of
memories, only the once we choose to create.

Shana is still the elephant
in the room for us. But Jade and I are coming to terms with her
leaving, slowly but surely. Jade masks the pain of it all with
anger.
Being angry with Shana is easier
than missing her I guess.

The waitress walks over and takes our
orders. She leans in dramatically to show me the specials, her
impossibly large breasts threatening to suffocate me in the
process. Jade snickers as I slowly shift my weight to prevent an
imminent injury.

“So, I have news,” Jade says excitedly.

“You have decided that you really do like
men and would like to profess your undying love for me?” I
jibe.

“No, idiot,” she says pegging a sugar packet
at my chest. “I got a call from the guy that came to the club. He’s
recommending me to the music program at Brown!”

“No fucking way!” I say jumping up and
scooping her into a hug.

“Let’s not jinx it,” she says laughing into
my chest. “I haven’t heard back from the college yet. If I do, I
start next year.”

All the more reason for me
to get the hell out of dodge
. With Jade
leaving, there was really no reason for me to stay.

“Jay, you should try and do something, get
yourself out of here,” Jade says, eyeing me with concern.

“I can handle myself, Jade,” I say
quietly.

“Oh really? Does handling yourself include
fucking half the state to stay sane, or staying permanently high or
drunk to try and forget Shana? Or maybe it includes selling your
damn soul to Julius to make some quick cash. Are you missing
Emmanuel that much that you’re trying to get locked up too and
share a cell with him?” Jade’s face is clouded with anger. I forget
sometimes that when Jade is fired up, she has absolutely no
filter.

I want to refute her
argument; say that it isn’t true.
Only it
is
. That is exactly what I do, all day,
every day. “Colleges don’t want people like me in them. What the
hell else can I do? I can go and work for my dad at the mechanic
shop. Or work for Julius as a career criminal. Those are my
options.”

“I guess you’re right,” she spits in reply.
“I guess you are too stupid for college, ‘cuz only an absolute
dumbass would say some stupid shit like that. Did you forget that
before Shana left, we were all planning on applying to colleges
together? We all had the grades to do it. You included.” Jade
points a finger menacingly towards my face.

My saving grace, also known
as the well-endowed and overly friendly waitress, arrives with our
food. We eat in silence. But if I know Jade, and I do know Jade,
this conversation was not over.
Not by a
long shot.

“This isn’t over,” Jade says with a mouth
full of waffle.

I clunk my fork onto my plate and stare at
her with frustration. “What the hell else do I do, Jade?”

“Not sure,” she says
sarcastically. “Maybe just hang around here screwing your life up,
waiting for Shana to come back. It’s been two damn years.
She is not coming back
.
And she probably is not thinking about you wherever the hell she
is. But hey, if you’re lucky, you may only get two strikes in
prison and avoid a life sentence. Unlikely, but stranger shit
happens every day.”

“Are you done?” I ask, much shorter than I
had expected to be.

“No!” she snaps. I can’t say that was
unexpected. “I think you need closure. You need to find a way to
talk to her or maybe even see her.”

“I thought you were pissed at Shana. Why
would you want me to find her?” I ask, confused.

“I
don’t, but I think you need to find her so you can get moving
with the rest of your damn life,” she answers softly. She’s lying.
She wants to know where Shana is just as much as I do. But Jade is
proud and stubborn, and won’t ever admit it.

I was right. Jade stays silent for all of
two minutes before she can’t help herself. “We both need closure,”
she says quietly, not meeting my eyes.

Chapter 7

After promising Jade at
least twenty times that I would look into different avenues of
tracking Shana down, she is satisfied and exits the Camaro at her
house. As much as I try to ignore them, Jade’s words
resonate.
Closure.
Lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, all the confusion of
the last few days invades my mind. Every time I feel like something
positive is happening, the world keeps getting in my way. Some
universal force is trying its damnedest to make sure that I stay
put, stay drunk, and stay high.

Or maybe the universe has
nothing to do with it.
Maybe I am the
fucking universal force that prevents myself from moving
forward.
I maintain that I have valid
reasons.
But what the fuck are good grades
going to do to help me survive in this neighborhood?

Then my
fuck it
moment arrives. After doing
some digging online, I pick up my phone and dial the number for a
prominent Private Investigator. Finding Shana won’t solve all my
problems. But it’s a start.
One less thing
to play on my mind every damn day
. The
phone rings on the other end, and goes to the guy’s voicemail box.
My finger hovers over the call end button, before I raise the phone
to my ear and leave a short message.
Facing your demons can be a bitch
.
Then reality hits me. I’m not anxious about closure. I’m terrified
that when this guy finds Shana, I’ll discover that she had no real
reason to leave. No reason at all, besides me.