Infinite Love (35 page)

‘I’ll give you cranberry juice if you eat some Weetabix.’

‘No,’ I shook my head.

‘Then what takes your fancy?’ she asked as she continued to scan the shelves. I stood up straight, swayed and reached out and grabbed the jar of peanut butter and wobbled my way back to the kitchen. I unscrewed the lid and dipped my finger in it and sucked. ‘Mia?’ Lexi called. ‘I found chocolate hidden at the back of the top shelf.’

I ignored her and dipped again and as I sucked the sweet nutty mixture, it took me back to when my cravings first started, peanut butter was the first thing I realised I wanted, with
everything
, which had made Gabe laugh. I felt something stir inside me. A tiny spot of anger that suddenly started growing and growing, and before I knew what was happening it was coursing through my veins. I screamed and hurled the glass jar across the room and it shattered, with a satisfying noise, on the expanse of wall next to the desks.

‘Mia?’ yelled Lexi as she ran out and looked at the mess, then at me, shocked. I breathed heavily. I was suddenly furious and that had felt good.
Really good
. I spun around and wobbled as I opened a cupboard door and grabbed one of the side plates. ‘O no, you don’t want to do this,’ warned Lexi and ducked out of sight as I hurled the plate at the wall. That noise of the fragments breaking was like music to my ears. I grabbed another and did the same, screaming as loudly as I could as I flung it. Then I did another two.

‘Gabe … no, no she’s not,’ I heard Lexi saying. ‘She’s going crazy. You need to come back right now. O shit … no she’s smashing your crockery and that’s another item that’s just been broken. Hurry, please.’

I flung another two and heard her come out of the bedroom behind me.

‘Mia, I don’t think this is a good idea.’

‘I. Do.’ I replied and threw the last one, then grabbed a dinner plate.

‘O shit,’ groaned Lexi. I kept throwing. I ran out of dinner plates and moved onto the set of eight cereal bowls, then the pasta bowls, slowing down as my arm started to hurt. ‘Please stop,’ begged Lexi. ‘Talk to me.’

‘No!’ I replied as I panted for breath. This felt good, I threw the last bowl and staggered over to the next cupboard full of our Denby cooking ware.

‘Mia, come on, please.’

‘I’m angry, Lexi. I want to throw things.’

‘Why are you angry?’

‘Are you stupid? I lost my bloody baby.’

‘I know you did, but why are you angry? Tell me.’

‘Because it’s not
fair,’
I yelled as I hurled a lasagne dish.

‘Why isn’t it fair?’

‘I didn’t deserve it, Gabe didn’t deserve it and I hate feeling so out of fucking control of my own damn life,’ I screamed as I threw a serving dish.

‘You feel out of control?’

‘I did everything right, we did everything right and we still lost … we still …’ I grabbed a gravy boat and watched that splinter.

‘Who do you blame?’

‘I don’t know,’ I said quietly as I weighed up the choice of remaining crockery in the cupboard and threw a small soufflé pot, but I’d lost my strength and it bounced off the wall and dropped with a crunching noise on the pile of debris below.

‘Yes you do. Be honest. Tell me who you blame.’

‘
Me
,’ I whispered as my chest shuddered and I took a few shaky breaths.

‘Why?’

‘I did something wrong, I must have done something wrong and I’m being punished. Gabe’s going to
hate
me when it sinks in. I don’t know what I did. What did I do, Lexi?’ My bottom lip started wobbling. ‘Tell me what I did so I can go back and fix it.’

‘O Mia,’ she whispered and came toward me as I started crying, scalding hot tears of guilt.

‘Tell me what I did wrong? I need to know what I did wrong,’ I howled. ‘It was the list, wasn’t it? I shouldn’t have had those drinks or sweets, they weren’t on the list. It’s my fault, I hurt the baby and I hurt Gabe. I
hate myself
.’ I felt Lexi’s arms go around me and I shoved her, trying to push her away, but she kept coming back until I didn’t have the strength to fight anymore and sank to the ground with her as I sobbed. The anger, the guilt, the pain … the pain was
horrendous
.

‘Come and take her from me,’ I heard Lexi say over my crying. ‘She’s hit bottom now. She’s blaming herself.’

‘Come on, baby. Let’s get you to bed. It’s not your fault, no one blames you,’ whispered Gabe as he lifted me into his arms and carried me. ‘Stay with us, Lexi?’ I heard him ask.

‘Sure.’

Gabe helped me onto the bed and stroked my hair as I curled up into a ball and gasped for air. He climbed onto the bed behind me and he wrapped his arm around my waist and gently palmed my stomach, his other arm snuck under my neck and grabbed my right hand and held it against my shoulder as I felt his tears dripping on the back of my neck.

‘Mia,’ sighed Lexi as she came and stood in front of me and wiped her eyes. I nodded, silently. She didn’t apologise or say anymore, we’d said all that needed saying. I could see it written all over her face, she’d been through it, she knew how awful I was feeling. She also knew how much harder this was for me. I’d planned this pregnancy and I wanted it so badly, we all had. Lexi climbed onto the bed too and shuffled up to me and grabbed my left hand in hers as she stroked my hair and I let go properly and heard myself making gut wrenching sobs of hurt and despair.

The three of us just lay there and cried, together.

I grabbed the body wash and soaped up my body, running my fingers over my new set of tiny scars. It had been over four months since “the crockery incident” as Lexi called it, the one where I’d destroyed our entire eight place dinner service, along with some chunks of plaster and slivers of brick. Gabe had quickly had the plaster and paint touched up. I didn’t want the brick replaced though, it was the only concrete reminder I had of Junior and I needed something.

Dr. Jarvis had spent a lot of time with me, with Gabe, and with us as a couple, trying to help us come to terms with losing the baby. I knew deep down in my heart that I wasn’t to blame, that I had no control over my condition, but I still felt responsible. It was my body that had failed us, repeatedly. And to have put Gabe through the loss of a child, of all things, that was what hurt the most. Gabe slipped in behind me and took the body wash from me, filled his hands and started to work across my shoulders as he kissed my temple.

‘Hey,’ he murmured.

‘Hey. That’s nice,’ I sighed.

‘Why are you up so early? We’re done with lectures, you’re officially just Mrs. Austin, owner and manager of Greyson’s Gentleman’s Club and you don’t need to be in until lunch, if at all.’

‘I know. We just have a lot to organise before the flight tomorrow.’ I replied. We were heading to New York on Friday to settle in over the weekend, ready for Gabe to start work at AT&F on Monday. The plan was for Gabe and I to stay there Monday to Wednesday lunchtime, then we’d fly back with Robert so they could work from the Westhampton office Thursday and Friday. Then Robert would fly home to be with Sofia and we’d return on a Sunday night. It was crazy, but Sofia didn’t want to move to England and I didn’t want to move to New York, so it was the best compromise.

‘Do you have time to come back to bed with me,’ he asked as he cupped my breasts, ‘or would you prefer we just get down to it in here?’

‘In here,’ I replied as I twisted my head to kiss him. We’d been extra sexual since I’d had my meltdown. We had moments where we had deep emotional discussions, but sex was the best way that we connected, it always had been.

I pulled up in private underground parking space of Greyson’s and sighed. I had a mountain of paperwork to sort before I headed home, but at least I was packed. I grabbed my wheel-along briefcase, ready to load it up with any essentials so I could keep an eye on things while we were away, and headed to the elevator.

‘Afternoon, Mrs. Austin,’ nodded Jackson.

‘Hi Jackson. How are you? How’s your wife now?’

‘Her ankle has healed nicely, thank you for asking.’

‘How’s it looking in there today?’

‘Busy as ever.’

‘Why aren’t all these men at work?’ I laughed.

‘Beats me, but it’s good for our profits.’

‘It sure is,’ I replied and headed down to the dancers dressing room and Cindy shrieked and came to hug me.

‘I thought we wouldn’t see you before you left.’

‘I’m coming home on Wednesday, I’m not leaving.’

‘I know, but I’ll miss you,’ she sighed. We’d spent a lot of time dancing together, coming up with new routines for some of the girls who liked direction, and she was going to take over my classes while I was away.

‘I’ll miss you too, but you have Max,’ I smiled.

‘I know, but she’s like the nagging wife, you’re the fun best friend.’

‘I heard that, Cindy,’ yelled Max from her dressing table behind us.

‘I meant you too darling, take a hint,’ Cindy called back. ‘Stay on your toes because if Mia ever decides to give me a chance I’m there.’

‘She’s joking, Max,’ I chuckled.

‘No, she’s not.’

‘I am,’ smiled Cindy. ‘I got over my crush on you a long time ago. Speaking of crushes, how’s Lexi doing?’

‘So, so,’ I sighed. ‘She’s reverted back to bad habits to try and cover up the fact that she’s hurting.’

‘I don’t get it, I mean no offence to Sarah, but she’s a bit bland. Doug and Lexi go together like …’

‘Two dogs on heat?’ I volunteered.

‘No way, that’s you and Gabe, mega pash. They’re more like Bert and Ernie.’

‘The muppets?’ I giggled.

‘They just complement each other so well.’

‘I know,’ I sighed.

‘He’s on duty today.’

‘I know,’ I replied with a bigger sigh. We still hadn’t spoken. I just didn’t know what to say to him. Rejecting Lexi like that had hurt me nearly as much as it did her.

‘You look amazing by the way,’ she nodded as she looked me up and down.

‘Thanks,’ I smiled. I always tried to dress smartly when I came to work, even though I was usually in my office, if I did head out and one of our customers recognised me, I liked to stop and chat. Gabe had left me to go for a run, he’d entered the New York marathon which was in November and he wanted to improve on his personal best. I’d picked out some lace hold ups, a knee length fitted black skirt and white three quarter sleeved shirt, tucked in and had piled up my hair with my black chopsticks sticking out and put on a pair of Louboutin black patent heels with the red sole.

‘Very sexy secretary, all you need is a pair of black rimmed glasses. Be perfect to strip with, I may go and get a similar outfit for a new routine.’

‘I may go and get some glasses and surprise Gabe tonight,’ I winked. ‘Right, my paperwork isn’t going to do itself. I’ll come and see you before I go.’ I headed through the club and sure enough was called over to one of the booths to chat to some bankers who came to have regular lunchtime discussions here. I excused myself after a while and quickly strode past the bar, ignoring Doug and headed to my office. I’d been working for about an hour when there was a knock on the door. ‘Come in,’ I called. I looked up and let out a small sigh to see him.

‘What can I do for you, Doug?’

‘Just checking that you’re happy for me to rearrange Gabe’s old office and you need to sort me out access to the safe for while you’re away and the passwords to the employee computer files.’

‘The office is fine, do whatever you like in there, it’s yours and … Lexi’s now. Hasn’t Gabe done the rest with you?’

‘No, he said you’d be doing it with me and I’ve been waiting for you to ask to see me.’

‘Sorry, he didn’t say. I’ll prepare it all and let you know before I finish this evening. Anything else?’

‘No, no, that was all,’ he replied and I put my head down and carried on with my computerised projections. ‘Actually no, it isn’t. I miss you, Mia. We were really good friends and you’ve virtually ignored me for five months.’

‘You’ve not exactly made an effort with me either, Doug,’ I reminded him as I remained focussed on my screen.

‘I knew you were angry with me.’

‘Justifiably so, wouldn’t you agree?’

‘I can’t help it that I’m with Sarah, Mia.’

‘You really want to do this?’ I sighed as I looked over at him.

‘Yes.’

‘Fine. This is personal now, nothing to do with business are we clear?’

‘Fine with me,’ he replied closing the door and taking a seat opposite.

‘What you did to Lexi was unacceptable and I’m finding it really hard to get past how you could do that to a friend, to my best friend.’

‘I had an impossible decision to make Mia, don’t make out like it was easy for me. I didn’t want things to happen the way they did.’

‘O sorry, my mistake. You obviously tripped and your dick got stuck in her multiple times.’

‘She started it.’

‘You’re not twelve Doug, you’re a grown bloody man,’ I scowled. ‘Having a … sexual reunion in the heat of the moment I get. You being confused I get. What I
don’t
get is that you
promised
Lexi that you were going to be with her, you got her hopes up and then backed out at the last minute. All because you were too much of a coward to end it with Sarah and really give into how you felt.’

‘You make it sound like I’m the bad guy here.’

‘Aren’t you? If what you did was all above board will Sarah be alright if I ask how she handled knowing you’d slept with Lexi in Scotland? And then
twice
in the storeroom?’ I watched his face go red. ‘So, if you haven’t told her you obviously
do
feel guilty and good, so you bloody should. You …’

‘I’m not about to ruin my relationship with Sarah over a couple of mistakes,’ he snapped.

‘I hadn’t finished talking, Doug,’ I snapped back with a glare. ‘Your relationship with Sarah is founded on lies. You love Lexi, you’ve always loved Lexi and yes, she hurt you, I know that, I was there. But you
know
her. She put herself out there for you and risked getting rejected. You know how hard that was for her, you could have said “Hey Lexi, this is a serious decision, please give me some time to think about it” but no, you fuck her,
twice,
tell her that you love her and that you’re going to leave Sarah to be with her, you get her hopes up and then you … then you … shit I am NOT going to cry.’ I stuck my thumb and index finger on the corners of my eyes and stretched and I took deep breaths.

‘You’re really angry with me,’ he whispered.

‘No fucking shit, Sherlock.’ I bit back. I needed to calm down, I only used the “F” word when I was really angry. ‘Actually I’m not angry, I’m bloody
furious
Doug. I believed in you, I trusted that you were a good guy, that you knew right from wrong, yet here you are screwing over the two women in your life who love you. Actually make that three, because you’ve ruined my relationship with you as well. Lexi deserved better than that and Sarah deserves better than that. If you don’t love her the way you loved Lexi you shouldn’t be with her. No one should be someone’s second choice.’

‘I fucked up, ok? I know I fucked up. I think about Lexi constantly Mia, but she broke me when she dumped me. I’m not prepared to risk her doing it again.’

‘You know what hurts me the most, Doug? Why I can’t forgive you? You haven’t even bloody apologised to her.’

‘I don’t know how to,’ he sighed and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms.

‘I think “Hey Lexi, I was an arsehole and I’m sorry for breaking your heart and making you give up on love” may be a start.’

‘She’s really that upset.’

‘Christ, are you really that bloody clueless?’ I sighed.

‘I just want things to be the way they were, we were all great friends. I mean, what you and Gabe just went through, I wanted to be there for you. I’m so sorry, Mia.’

‘Thanks,’ I whispered as I looked back down at my fingers and toyed with my rings. ‘But much as I’ve missed you Doug, and I
have
missed you, until you apologise to Lexi and find a way to make things right with her, I can’t be your friend again. The ball’s in your court. Until you two smooth things over, we’re never going to be more than work colleagues. You’ll always be Gabe’s best friend and I truly appreciate all the support you gave him when I lost … when we were having a rough time, but you can’t be my friend again. Not until Lexi says that you’ve cleared the air and that she’s cool with it.’

‘What about Sarah?’

‘What about her?’

‘She knows something’s wrong, we haven’t hung out with you since … she knows something’s wrong.’

‘Sorry Doug, but that’s not my problem, you need to handle that.’

‘Are you going to tell her?’

‘No!’ I looked back up at him hurt. ‘This “problem” is between you, me and Lexi. Whatever problems you have with her, are between the two of you. It’s not my place to tell her.’

‘Thank you.’

‘I’m not keeping quiet for you, Doug. I’m keeping quiet for Sarah, she’s the innocent party in this damn mess. I’m sorry but I have a load of work to do. I’ll sort out the codes and let you have them before I go.’

‘Mia .. I …’ he ran his hand through his overlong floppy hair and just stared at me.

‘I’m not your sounding board anymore, Doug. If you’re struggling with guilt you need to find someone else’s shoulder to cry on. Mine’s already taken by Lexi. I’d like to get back to work please.’ I turned back to my screen and heard him head to the door, then hesitate.

‘I’m really sorry Mia, for everything, and I’m so glad that you’re going to give the IVF another go. It means so much to Gabe.’

‘The IVF?’ I frowned as I looked up at him. ‘What makes you think we’re trying again?’

‘Gabe said you were thinking about it. Aren’t you?’

‘That’s kind of personal Doug, but thanks for your apology, I appreciate it.’

‘Sure,’ he gave me a sad smile and shut the door. I leaned back in my chair. Where the hell had he got the idea that we were trying again? I’d gone back on the pill to stop my periods and escalating condition and we’d been warned, after my ovary removal, that IVF was likely to lead to more cysts and that they couldn’t rule out the same thing happening. I didn’t want to end up having no ovaries at twenty-one, being plunged into early menopause and being on hormone tablets for life. Neither was I prepared to go through the stress of more treatments and to get attached to another pregnancy, only to lose it. Three failed attempts and an ectopic pregnancy was enough. I didn’t have the strength in me to put myself through it all again. I thought Gabe was clear on the matter, we’d had long discussions about it. Doug must have gotten the wrong end of the stick.

I opened the front door to the sight of him in a pair of three quarter shorts, preparing food at the island. His hair was all messed up in that sexy way I loved and he was bare chested, the rays of the sun coming through the windows bouncing off his muscles as he chewed on a baton of carrot. He looked up and broke into a happy grin to see me standing there.

‘Hey, baby. Wow, sexy outfit.’

‘Thank you, you too.’

‘I’m not really wearing anything.’

‘Hmmm, exactly,’ I smiled. ‘What are you doing?’

‘Preparing a beef stir fry, you’re late.’

‘Sorry, there was more to do than I thought. Can dinner wait?’ I asked as I shut the door and left my briefcase by the door.

‘I guess, why?’ he asked as he continued to chop.

‘I’m feeling a little hot and bothered, Sir.’ I watched as he stopped chopping, his knife hovering mid-air.

‘Why’s that?’