Infinity. (Infinity Series) (26 page)

Charlie

Colin and I are sleeping in the same bed, but we might as well be in separate countries. Our gap makes the Mississippi River look like a babbling brook. He’s hurt. When he’s awake, his face is pulled into a permanent grimace. Even as we pretended everything was perfect for our families on Christmas day, his forehead was drawn in a scowl. He laughed, but it was forced. His eyes are frosty when he does look at me, which isn’t often.

The only time I’ve witnessed any happiness is when he plays with Ainsley. He’s barely let her sleep in her bed since we arrived back in Dallas just in time to celebrate Christmas. He bathes, feeds, gets her up in the morning, and tucks her in at night. Colin is trying to clinch the Daddy of the Year award, making up for lost time, and trying to prove a point to me that he can meet all of her needs. Trust me when I say that I’ve gotten the message, loud and clear.

We managed to get through Christmas faking it, but it didn’t hold a candle to last Christmas day. Then I was pregnant, and we were both so happy. He couldn’t go five minutes without caressing my swollen abdomen. We celebrated Pancho’s first birthday—well, first year with us—with a little doggy party. Both sides of our family just indulged our nonsense. Our laughs were not forced, and after everyone went to bed, Colin unwrapped me like a present and made love to me under the Christmas tree. He said that the best gifts he’d ever been given were lying under him. His wife and his baby.

What a difference a year makes.

I’ve tried to reason with Colin that my dad’s medical practice needs me. Yes, I’ve hired another doctor, but no one has the knowledge about the medical practices that I have. Sure, Carmen can keep the books going, and the doors open, but she doesn’t know the medical protocols that my father had established. She doesn’t know how to manage the young doctors working for us because frankly, she isn’t a doctor.

My father’s medical practice thriving is my way of ensuring his immortality. Yes, Doctor Collins is no longer with us, but what he spent his whole life creating is still making people’s lives better. When Ainsley is old enough, I want to be able to bring her to his practice, and show her what her grandfather built. I want her to feel the same pride that I felt as a kid in what my dad did for a living.

I can’t make Colin understand this. To him, the world is black and white as it’s always been; there are no greys. He doesn’t understand that I’m not playing doctor in Houston, having a gay old time. Okay, I am having a bit of fun, but I’m not leaving him. Brad isn’t trying to take his daughter away from him.

Brad and I are a well-oiled machine. We can interpret each other’s body language. He knows how I like things done, and is also a huge help with Ainsley. Without him, I wouldn’t get to go for my morning runs, which are my lifeline to sanity. Brad pitches in with her when I’m too tired to move, which, lately, has been most days.

I’m miserable. This whole situation is miserable. Colin’s playing for a wildcard spot in the playoffs tomorrow, so I lie very still trying not to wake him when all I want to do is cross the great divide and snuggle into his side.

It’s pathetic to admit, but I want, no, I
need
my husband to want me again. This Siberian prison that he’s put me in is the worst form of torture. When I try to lay my hands on him he jerks back as if my touch burns. That hurts the most. We’ve spent the last twelve nights together after being a part for almost a month, and the only kiss that I’ve received was a chaste one at midnight on New Year’s Eve. And I’m sure that I only got it because Aiden and Amy were celebrating with us.

Part of me feels like I should be the angry one. He’s the one who got drunk and had a bar fight. He’s the one who was helped home by a beautiful, busty, blonde who’s about ten years my junior. He’s the one who fanned the media’s flames surrounding our relationship. We made the cover of every entertainment magazine at the grocery-store checkout line. Nothing makes them happier than proof of the fabricated stories.

But I’m not angry with him. I know why he poisoned himself. I know why he did what he did. The hurt was so deep that he didn’t know how else to deal with it.

That breaks my heart.

Our bedroom is cast in a green glow from Ainsley’s baby monitor. I roll onto my side and watch Colin’s naked chest rise and fall, ensuring that he’s asleep. Only then do I slide against him, pressing my clothed chest against his ribcage. His forehead is relaxed, and I’m pretty certain that my bold move didn’t awaken him. I carefully pick up my hand and place it over his heart, longing to feel his pulse under my palm.

It only rests there for two beats before he removes my hand and places it on my hip.  He doesn’t say anything as he turns onto his side, breaking our contact and presenting me with his back. He doesn’t have to. His rejection speaks volumes, making our bedroom air thick with unsaid angst.

I scoot away from him and cling to the edge of the mattress. Tears slide down my cheeks and collect on my pillow, dampening the area around my face. That’s how I eventually fall asleep the second to last night in Camp McKinney Penitentiary.

****

I attend Colin’s game and pretend that everything is perfect between us. Seriously, I deserve an Oscar for my performance. Last night’s rejection was the nail in the coffin. Something has got to change.

Dallas easily clenches the wildcard spot and advances to round one of the playoffs. It was hard watching him on the sidelines. I saw his face full of joy. Colin was laughing and smiling. It was so genuine unlike our fakeness around our family. I even allowed myself to pretend that it was me who made him that happy. That I was the one that he was laughing with instead of Ty.

I dread going home because I know that the happiness will not extend inside the walls of the McMansion. No. Our home is filled with tension, hurt, anger, and sadness.

As we’re filing out of the stadium in a large crowd mixed with all the fans, the smell hits me. And it hits me strong. Someone very near me has on Colin’s cologne. My stomach takes note, and becomes desperately queasy. Pushing through the densely-packed people, I try to escape the smell while still holding my breath.

Jenny is the only one who notices and follows me to the outer edge of the ramp. “You okay?” she asks as she grabs my arm. She’s clearly concerned, which is rather novel.

I carefully let out the breath that I’m holding and open my mouth to inhale. I’m terrified of smelling the cologne again. How humiliating to vomit in a crowd of people. Once I’ve sampled the air and realized that the offending odor is gone, I reply, “That was so weird. Someone had on Colin’s brand of cologne, and it made me sick.”

“You’re pregnant,” is all she says. There’s no excitement or apprehension in her voice. She might as well have said, “There’s pasta in the refrigerator.”

People are pushing around us, but I remain nailed to the cement on the ramps of the Cowboy’s stadium. All the crowd noise fades to silence. I can’t be pregnant. My husband isn’t even speaking to me. Our marriage is hanging on by a thin string as it is. The last thing we need right now is another baby.

I feel my eyes well up with tears, and I beg them to stay at bay.
No point crying about this until I know for sure.

On the way home, I stop by a drugstore and am perfectly humiliated to be buying pregnancy tests while I’m flanked by Miguel. He’s so professional, and pretends to ignore my purchases.

Julie, my other sister, is staying with us, and watched Ainsley while we went to the game. Aiden had asked if Amy could be his date to Colin’s game, and it seemed nice that he’d want her there. I love Aiden and Amy together. He’s the wild to her calm. She’s the support that he needs. They have the same life goals. I’d never have set them up, but those two dating is definitely one of the positives that came out of my father’s death.

Julie and Pancho greet me when I walk into the kitchen. I look at Julie and ask her a gigantic favor, using my pleading eyes. “Can you watch Ainsley this evening, and keep both of you upstairs? Colin and I need to have a talk, and it might get pretty loud. If it does, take Ainsley in the movie room and put on something for y’all to watch. I don’t want her to hear us fighting.”

Julie, of course, agrees. I have the best sisters.

Next, I go into our bedroom and shut the door behind me. I pick up my phone and dial Carmen. I’ve never been particularly close to my stepmom. Us girls began calling her Aunt Carmen when she was Daddy’s nurse ages ago. Then, when Daddy left Mom for Aunt Carmen we realized that one, she wasn’t really our aunt and two, she was becoming Stepmom Carmen. In the end, I have two beautiful half-sisters out of their marriage that I adore, and all has been forgiven.

Carmen answers on the third ring, and we spend the next five minutes making small talk. I know her first Christmas without my father was difficult. It was hard on us girls, but then again, he hadn’t spent Christmas with us since my half-sister, Sarah, was born, which was more than half my life ago.

Finally, I dive into the heart of the matter. “Carmen, I’m at an impasse. I want to continue working at the practice. The last couple of months, in spite of the circumstances, have been the most fun that I’ve had since I started practicing medicine. However, Colin is no longer willing to let his wife and daughter reside in another city.”

Carmen interjects, “As he shouldn’t, sweetie.” Her voice breaks. “Life is too short to not spend your nights with the one that you love.”

I collapse onto the red college chair and stare out the bay window in our bedroom. Our backyard looks like a resort. Memories of our wedding flood my senses. It was such a happy day. Carmen’s right. Life
is
too short to not spend the meaningful moments with the one that you love.

Talk about a knife in the gut. “You’re right. That’s why I’m hoping that I can come back and work until Colin’s next playoff game, which is next week. Then, I’d like to stay with him until the season is over, and we can return to Houston as a family.”

“Of course, of course,” she reassures me. “We’ll make it work.”

“I plan on discussing this with Brad, and see if he’ll stay in Houston to help you out. He’s very capable of doing everything that I do, except for the whole doctoring part.”

She laughs and agrees, “Bradley is something else.”

I hang up with her, feeling better. I’m hoping that my plan will pacify Colin, and begin the repair work on our marriage.

My next phone call is to Brad, and it takes me a good ten minutes to work up the courage to hit the dial button next to his name. When he answers in his usual upbeat way, I say with a heavy heart, “Brad, I need to have a very frank conversation with you.”

Brad exhales. “I’ve been expecting this chat. Am I fired?” He sounds so pathetic that I swear my soul weeps.

Before I can respond, he continues. “I can understand if Colin doesn’t want us working together anymore, but Ainsley is my goddaughter. I’m her guncle. Caroline, I’ll never have kids of my own, please don’t take Ainsley away from me.”

Poor Brad gets choked up, and I feel like a complete ass. Brad’s done nothing wrong except doing his job too well. “Calm down. Look, I’m not firing you, or banning you from Ainsley’s life. Think of this as a time-out. I need for you to help out Carmen in Houston, and give Colin and me a chance to figure out solutions to our problems.” I don’t add
because your presence is like pouring salt in a fresh, bloody wound.

He sniffs. “Promise me I’m not losing my best doctor friend.”

“Never,” I reply with a smile in my voice. “You know that I can’t tie my shoes without you.”

“Well, honestly, Caroline, you shouldn’t be wearing shoes that tie. They’re way too matronly. Legs as gorgeous as yours should only be in heels.” He’s back to sounding like my Brad, which is such a relief.

We spend another fifteen minutes on the phone, bantering back and forth about nothing in particular.

Colin’s feelings toward Brad are justified, so I’m going to have to spend some time setting boundaries for all of us. He’s too important to me to not have him in my life, but Colin? Well, he’s my heart. Somewhere, there has to be a middle plane where we can all coexist.

I step outside and begin heating the hot tub. Operation Win Back My Husband commences now.

Colin

If you’d have ever told me that I wouldn’t want to come home because my wife is there, I’d have called you a lying bastard. Now, I drive under the speed limit, attempting to avoid the inevitable—being at home.

I pull into the driveway and leave Bertha sitting near the road.
Neighbors are going to love her, out front of their pristine neighborhood
.

As I walk towards the backyard, the sound of the hot tub bubbling greets my ears. Honestly, the last thing that I want to do right now is see my wife in a bikini, because my heart and brain remember very clearly why we’re so angry. My dick, on the other hand, has no clue, and is quite upset that we’ve been ignoring her.

Sure enough, she’s in the hot tub with the same set up as always. I stand there for a moment, trying to decide what I should do. Getting in the hot tub will result in me naked and unable to keep my hands off of her. Going inside and rejecting her will probably result in her leaving me.

I walk over to the edge of the hot tub and look down seeing her gorgeous tits bobbing up and down in the water. Her hair is piled on her head in a messy knot, and she’s got on the fucking white string bikini that should be against the law. My cock notices, and stands up to get a look for itself.

“I appreciate the gesture, but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea for me to join you.” I rub my sweaty palms on my athletic shorts, aching for her to see through my tough-guy act and invite me in.

“I’m leaving for Houston tomorrow. Please, don’t let me back out of our driveway without at least talking to me.” Her words register in my brain, but the look on her face speaks to my heart. She looks so fucking lost.