Innocence of Love (25 page)

He lifted his head. “I swear to you, I have no idea whether I said anything or not. I got drunk foolishly, and now I live to regret that.”

Sophie could see the pain in his face while he frowned.

“Ross visited me earlier,” she announced.

He peered at her wide-eyed.

“He told me he had been with you all evening and that you never mentioned anything, you got drunk and were happy, but he assured me nothing was said by you to anyone and the only way Tim would’ve known was if he saw us go in or come out the barn,” she added with the knots in her tummy.  

“Oh, unfortunately I cannot agree on the matter and if I did say anything to anyone, it was out of excitement that I made love to the most precious girl in the world,” he clarified standing only feet away.

Her heart sunk. She hitched her breath, struggling to breathe as it was bad enough without him saying things like that. “I’m so sorry, Sophie…what I remember of that night after you left was vague. I swear I never meant to intentionally hurt you or me. I was lost in passion and love and when I went back to find you…you had left the village. We have been through so much in the last few months and I cannot apologize for hurting you enough.”

He stepped forward. Sophie debated to step backward but she couldn’t with the pretty flowerbeds directly behind her. And if she trod on those her father would kill her.

Knots in her tummy got tighter. “I really want us to be at least friends for Sabastian sake,” he added.

Sophie stared down to the grass, trying hard to hold herself together, this wasn’t where she needed the conversation to go. She had to tell him. She had to gain the courage to tell him exactly the way she felt and what she needed for the future. She rubbed the back of her neck and chewed her lower lip.

“I am so scared, Calvin,” she said while tears threatened to fall.

“Hey,” he said in a warm caring, calm voice.

She saw him stepping closer to her.

“I’m so sorry,” she stuttered, wiping away the tear that had trickled down her cheeks.

“Don’t be daft, you have been through a rough ride and anyone with common sense would hate what you have recently been through,” he added. His hand softly touched her left arm. She promptly stepped to the side not wanting him to touch her. Calvin inhaled a deep breath. Sophie tried hard to keep her emotions hidden, but it was a fight, not wanting to come across as a blubbering wreck.

“I’m sorry, I just…”

“What are you scared of? Being a mum?”

She lifted her head scowling at him. “No,” she answered sharply. She watched him gulp as he stared at her. “I’m scared of letting anyone get close to me,” she explained.

She watched his reaction. He lifted his brows, looking truly adorable, yet again.

“Oh, I can understand that with you being hurt so much, and the people who you were meant to trust, let you down.”

“I mean men,” she had to tell him, as she could no longer keep going around in circles.

“Oh…and I’m on that list…we made love and then I disappeared, leaving you expecting our baby, and having gruelling decisions to make on your own,” he blurted.

“Calvin, that wasn’t your fault! I was scared and did what I thought was right at the time, whether you agree with me or not it happened,” she distressed whilst her tummy somersaulted.

“It was my fault, I should have gone to see you after the night of the party, but I felt so damn rough I could hardly move and then I was back at university the following day…I should have found a way of contacting you and not allowing you to think you were on your own,” he voiced heartbroken.

“Calvin, it happened and there is nothing in the world that is going to change that. I have no idea whether you told the entire party about what we shared, and to be honest, I can remain angry at you forever, but what would be the point? The only person who is suffering is me,” she raised her voice whilst hitting her chest.

“Me, Calvin, me. I’m the one who has punished myself all these years and ended up in the wrong hands, and now I am that fucked up, I have no idea which direction to head in. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore,” she sobbed. “I want to be a damn good mum and look after Kacey, yet in my heart there is something more major missing, and I have to stop punishing myself and pushing it away,” she bawled with torrents of tears flooding down her cheeks.

Sophie snivelled trying to clear her airways, but couldn’t. “I have done nothing but cry for the last the last ten years, never thought highly of myself and have been tossed from one place to another. I want to feel secure and have stability and be happy…I mean does that really sound so bad?” she indicated. Her throat became congested.

“No, it doesn’t sound so bad,” Calvin replied.

She glanced into his eyes. His nose screwed up full of concern.

“I want to feel special, I want someone who can take care of me, but I have baggage and a past that no-one would wish to hear.”

“I have and would,” Calvin spoke.

“Yes, but…but,” words failed her. Her mouth running away with her not having a clue what the next line should be.

“But what? You are too afraid to be hurt again, and that no-one can give you the love you desire…well, Sophie,” Calvin spoke confidently while she watched him move closer toward her.

He reached to take hold of her hand.

“I will love you.”  

Chapter Thirteen

He stood waiting for her reaction. Her eyes wandered about not looking at him, but the ground and around the garden. Somehow, getting a sense she didn’t hear him.

“Sophie, I will love you. I’m not going to run away, Sophie, I want to be with you,” he announced stepping closer to her. He held her hand tight, squeezing it needing her to respond. He needed her to say something, feeling like he was in heaven and high on happiness.

“Sophie, I loved you ten years ago, and I love you even more now…please…allow me to love you, allow me to be that person who treat you, take care of you, give you all you desire,” he faintly spoke, watching her when she lifted her head up to gaze into his eyes. Her eyes full of tears.

“I’m a walking disaster.”

“Together we will solve all your pain, and if you let me, I will help you heal. You’re all I need. These last few months have killed me, not having any contact there were days and nights I wanted nothing more than to call you, take the chances at you screaming at me or hanging up on me. I held off coming up north, afraid I would bump into you and send my heart crazy again, I prayed I would see you again, and today I did.”

“I was a bitch to you,” she snivelled.

“So, it doesn’t matter about that. I can forgive and forget. If you can?” he said keenly longing for her to understand his true dedication to her. She was all he needed and he had to make her see that.

Tears trickled down her cheeks.

“But all I do is hurt you,” she sobbed.

He stepped nearer to her placing his finger gently under her chin to softly lift it wanting her eyes to meet his. Calvin gazed into her beautiful hazel eyes. With his thumb he moved it faintly across her cheek, removing the tears. He slipped his thumb over her rosy red lips. Calvin edged his way closer…pouting his lips, urgently needing to kiss her, taste her, enjoy her, feel her close to him and drift away in paradise, wishing to show how much she meant to him. How his heart covert only for her, nobody would ever fill his heart the way she did, she was his soul mate. He would do whatever to prove that to her.

Then, suddenly, she stepped back. “No, Calvin, this cannot happen. I do nothing but bring you pain and suffering.”

“No, you bring me joy and happiness, and I want nothing more than to be with you.”

“But how is that going to work when you live in London. I’m not bringing Kacey down to London, our son lives here…” she cried.

“And I wouldn’t expect you to move down to London.” He stepped closer to her.

“Then how the heck can we move forward,” she said highlighting
we.
“How do you expect us to work? You living down there and me here? It wouldn’t work, it would never work, and I wouldn’t want a relationship like that, not now, not ever, so forget it. You’re simply taking pity on me…” she screamed low-spirited when suddenly she stormed off to the other side of the garden.

There was no-way he was about to allow her to stomp off like that. He would give chase, even if it meant him scarifying his evening to Ross, Ross would understand.

“Sophie,” he shouted, putting a chase on.

“No…I’m nothing but bad news, you don’t need me, you deserve better,” she ranted.

“Oh right and that is exactly…” he said, keeping up his the chase, walking to the far side of the garden, through the bushes into another secret area, surrounded by well-matured trees and bushes.

“Stop it, Calvin,” she outraged, turning around and he saw her floods of tears. She turned quickly around so he faced her back.

“No.” He reached forward to take hold of her shoulders and spun her round to face him. “Listen to me. You’re what I want. I will sort something out about me living in London. I want to be here sharing everything with you. Doing things that we both love! Share the most amazing times together as a family. I’m not going to let you out my sight…but you have to let me in. I know you have been hurt, and I know you don’t trust men, and I was the one who started the unfortunate path that changed your life, but I swear if I had known things would have been very different,” he spoke sharp keeping a firm hold of her as she cried.

“I need you…and you can push me all you want away, but I will keep coming back.” He gulped. “You have no idea how long I have wanted to tell you that I love you,” he emphasised, a tear trickled down his cheek, he swiftly wiped it away. He placed his hand on her cheek to softly remove hers. He tried looking into her eyes blurred, but enough to see how nervous she was and had every right.

“You came to me. You called me, and I am here expressing my love to you, if you would like me to get down on my hands and knees, then I’ll do that,” he cheered.

She burst out laughing.

“That’s better.” He chuckled.

Calvin stepped closer to her, again removing the tears from her cheek. Slowly he ran his thumb over her lips. Sophie closed her eyes. He could feel the thrill of touching her already igniting his emotions.

“Sophie, I love you so much. Please don’t say anything now…” He leaned forward pressing his lips against hers. He could taste her tears, that were salty and her soft, luscious lips were perfect like he’d imagined. He closed his eyes, enjoying the moment. His heart raced in his chest. He kissed her delicately without Sophie responding. He tried again, tenderly pressing his lips to hers still nothing from her.

He stepped back. He saw her eyes hooded, tight.

Calvin sensed now was the time to leave her, allow her to think about what he had suggested to her, giving her the vital breathing space she desired. What he’d told her no doubt needed time for her to consider especially with her being hurt so badly over the years.

“I’m heading to the city for Ross’s birthday, but…I’ll be in touch,” he informed seeing her slowly opening her eyes. His heart sank into his stomach, his heart skipping beats that he had to leave her, but then he needed her to think about them and a possible future.

He stepped back, watching her swallowing hard. She moved her mouth up and down as though she wished to say something, but the words failed her.

“I’m going to leave, not because I want to, because I will give you time to digest the information I have just told you. I would move heaven on earth to be with you, and no matter about the past, I want to concentrate on the future,” he anxiously spoke, needing her to try and understand. He knew how screwed up she was.  

“I love you…I have for a long time, I just…I just,” he stuttered. “My heart beats for you and you steal each breath I take. We have been through so much together in such a short period of time and I know…I can give you all the love and security you deserve,” he promised as Sophie frowned at him, not saying a word. “I will go…without saying another word to confuse matters further for you.”

He took a few steps back and gazed deeply into her eyes. “Don’t be mad with me for telling you the truth, it’s been playing on my mind for a while,” he added, unsure if he overstepped the mark.

Calvin turned around. He inhaled the deepest of breaths leaving Sophie standing, wondering whether he was doing the right thing, but they both had so much to think about. They shared a son. She had a daughter to another man. He lived in London. And he was madly in love. How had his life become so complicated?

****

Sophie could not believe what just happened or what had been said. He kissed her and told her how much he loved her and had for a long time. As if her head wasn’t full of enough things Calvin had to throw the biggest shock into the equation. Although, two months ago she had been going to tell him exactly the same thing how much she loved him only Tim stopped it.

Full of mixed emotions, not helping with hormones, worrying about money, her daughter, Sabastian the house, and now Calvin had to add to it, was he feeling missed out and had to tip her life upside down even more? Her heart collapsed into her chest. She stood on the grass like a fool trying to digest the information Calvin had told her, but came up blank.

After a short time Sophie had convinced herself Calvin hadn’t said what he had and dreamed it, wishful thinking.

Her heart raced. Her stomach swirled around in agony.

She sat down on the bench staring into the fields beyond over the stunning landscape, different shades of green across the valley.

“Sophie, are you okay?” her father voiced from behind concerned.

“I’m fine,” she stuttered, keeping her voice low. Her chest tightened.

She pressed her fingertips to her mouth where Calvin had kissed her. His lips were so soft, luscious, velvet even, her mind drifted back to the time when he woke with an erection at the cottage followed by them colliding in the bedroom. Then when he stayed with her in the hospital and he had a stiff member. She gasped almost choking on her saliva, but then turned her attention to the wonderful moments he had been there no matter what. Calvin never turned his back on her making her appreciate him more when he had, it had been after she’d been a bitch.

“Yeah, and I’m the Queen’s father,” he scoffed sitting down alongside her. Kacey snuggled in her car seat seeing the chair being placed on the ground. “What did Calvin want?” he inquired.

“Just to tell me that he loves me and that he wants to be with me,” she declared being honest.

“And?”

Sophie turned her head to her right to glare at her dad. “And what? I throw myself at him and have sex,” she hissed, raising her voice and heard Kacey coo.

“I never meant that…I meant what was your reaction?” he said defensively.

“I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t. I mean, how the hell am I meant to trust him, and how on earth can a relationship work with him living down south and me stranded up here?”

“Do you love him?”

Like Dad needed to ask that stupid question.

“Yes…” She paused. “Yes, I do. But…he lives.”

Her dad placed his hand up to stop her from saying another word. “And you’re trying to find excuses not to love him, or show him that you are crazy about him, but instead throwing as many obstructions in the way as possible.”

“But he lives…”

“Sophie, stop it. If he loves you he will make sacrifices and from what I have witnessed, he adores you more than anything in the world. I’m betting he has shown you more consideration and compassion in the last months than any man who’s to have been near you, and it’s only understandable that you’re cautious and scared if things go wrong again, but, Sophie, I have seen the way he looks at you and it’s been love for a long time. Even when I visited you in the hospital, Calvin was by your side, encouraging you to wake up and meet your little girl. He dotes on you and I can see that clearly,” her father added.

“No, Dad…he is just riddled with guilt, for not helping me with Sabastian.”

“How could he? He had no idea until a few months ago the boy lived. Sophie, you’re so graved with anguish and pain, and that you cannot see how much you mean to him. Stop it. Stop punishing yourself and stop punishing him. You will push him away and I know for one, you don’t want that to happen. I love you, and seeing you in this way hurts. No-one was around for you when needed, you went through a tough time alone, and you were strong, you can be happy again. You can find true love and he is staring you in the face. Don’t you think Calvin is scared? Don’t you think he is concerned about the future and how he can take care of you?”

“If he takes me on, he takes Kacey too,” she enforced.

“Don’t you think he’s aware of that? I cannot see him running for the hills and he knows Kacey is a main part of your life and Sabastian. But you’re pushing him away, and coming up with lame excuses to why you cannot be with him is ridiculers. Do you love him?”

Sophie turned her head to scowl at him. “Yes.”

“You want to share, every living, breathing moment with him, good and bad, grow old together, moan at one another when things aren’t going right, and yet share the most precious times together?”

“Dad, you’re getting carried away,” she scoffed while nudging him.

“There we go! There was that pretty smile that gleamed across your pretty face. Calvin wants what’s best for you and the little one.”

“But she isn’t his. How can a man love another man’s child?” she asked staring down to her daughter fast asleep, so adorable in her teddy romper suit.

“Because he loves the mum. If a man loves the mum, he will take on whatever measures to be with her. So what she isn’t his. I don’t see the natural father knocking on the door and pleading to be in her life,” he growled.

“No and you won’t. He doesn’t even know she’s here yet, and I have no plans to tell him. And please, Dad, before you say anything. I’m not telling him over my dead body,” Sophie added meaning every word, there was no-one on this planet who would convince her otherwise. “He told me to kill me and the baby, what man does that? He is nothing but an evil, scumbag, who only cares about his own fixes,” she indicated, but he gave her a precious daughter.

“I understand.”

“Look, Dad, when Rob comes searching for her, or if she wishes to know who her dad is then I will tell her, but right now…I love Kacey and I need to protect her from him and his gang.”

“I respect any decision you make on that man, but Calvin!”

She inhaled a deep breath.