Insatiable: Porn — a Love Story (24 page)

“I’m your girlfriend. You should consider me at the very least an eleven!” I screamed in tears.

Thinking about it was making me angry all over again. Did Toni even realize there were millions of men out there who would give up a finger to be in his position? I lit another cigarette and tried to calm myself down. Why did I need so much reassurance from the outside? Toni, the awards . . . why couldn’t I just have enough confidence to not need validation from others? When did I become this insecure mess?

My biggest regret in life is not asking my parents for a brother or a sister. Yes, that was it—that was the root of all my problems. I have the typical only-child complex: needing of space, yet eternally lonely. Selfish and entitled could probably be thrown in there as well. I live in my head more than in reality, and all of my personality flaws are because of my lack of siblings. I hated myself for it.

As I thought about it, the loneliness started to kick in. I texted Toni.

“I’m sorry I’m being crazy. Please come back up. You’re right, I’m nervous. I promise I’ll be good.”

He didn’t reply. He knew I wasn’t ready.

I put out my cigarette, and before my anger could replace the loneliness, I lay on the bed to masturbate.

I envisioned my usual starters. Toni kissing me, Toni choking me, Toni slipping the tip in, Toni telling me he owns me. It’s always been this way; when in a relationship, I only think of my significant other when I touch myself. Without consciously trying, I’m mentally faithful. I started to think about walking into our bedroom and catching Toni fucking another girl. It doesn’t matter who she is, or what she looks like. It’s the fact that he’s fucking another girl, and not giving a fuck about me. I think back to all the porn I’ve watched with him in it, making other girls squirt, cum, scream.

Over the last year or so, around the same time I decided with conviction to stop dotting my i’s, I had developed a newfound dedication to masturbating loudly. First, it started with a little whimper here and there, then over time graduated into moans. Nowadays, I was full out screaming, “I need your cum in me, please!” as I came. It felt better being loud. Often, I wonder if my neighbors think I’m cheating on Toni while he’s gone. But
life is too short to masturbate silently
, I’ll declare to myself, and scream on. Here, on this hotel bed, was no different. “Toni, please,” I moaned as I tensed up my legs. As I let go and came, I screamed—

“It’s your ass, you own me!”

As I came down from my orgasm, I heard someone cough in the hallway. I felt a pang of shame. Maybe for being so loud, maybe for masturbating in general. This shame thing, after cumming—was it a forever thing? Would I ever stop feeling guilty after rubbing one out? As a kid, I got caught all the time. There was a period of time my mother wouldn’t let me fall asleep with the covers over me, because she knew I would just start rubbing myself. In spite of it, or perhaps because of it, I can’t fall asleep now without my hand on my pussy.

I texted Toni again.

“I miss you.”

Nothing.

I got dressed and went downstairs to the gym, but got a smoothie instead and walked back up to the room. After attempting to start the book I had just downloaded on Kindle, I purchased a movie on the hotel on demand, but hardly watched it. I was restless.

“I’m pregnant,” I texted Toni as I lay in the bed, with my hand on my pussy.

“I don’t believe you.”

At least he replied.

I quickly googled “positive pregnancy test” on my phone and hit Images. On page three was the perfect photograph, amateur enough but the “positive” outcome clear. I saved it to my phone, sent it to Toni, and waited for a reply.

I’ll admit, you’re pretty funny.

Finally, two hours of plucking my body hair later, he called me. “When I get there, you better be naked on your fucking knees.” He hung up.

I undressed out of the gym clothes I still had on, got on my knees, and waited for him to open the door. When he walked in, I immediately crawled toward his cock. He slapped my face.

“You think you’re running the show here? Sit back and close your eyes, you stupid bitch.”

I was happy to oblige. I was happy just to see his face, no matter the angry expression in his eyes. I sat back on my feet, eyes closed, and listened to him take his watch off, then his sweater, then his belt, and the rest of his clothes. My heart melted at the scent of him. It’s amazing how when you take away one basic sensor, the others kick in twice as strong. I heard him kick off his shoes, as his hand came down on the back of my head, grabbing my hair. He slammed my face into the carpet and dragged my face onto his feet. I opened my mouth and began to worship him with my tongue, starting at the tip of his toe.

“Are you sorry? You little bitch, did you miss me?”

I nodded as best as I could, as he took his bare foot and stepped on my head, lodging my face sideways between his foot and the floor. I could smell where I had ashed my cigarettes earlier.

“Then show me.” He took his foot off my head and I kissed my way up his leg. His cock was rock hard. I kissed it all over, every square inch, square centimeter of it.

“I missed you so much. I won’t be crazy. I promise I’ll be good,” I begged as I rubbed the side of my cheek on his dick. It was so hard, I knew he wanted me as much as I wanted him.

“Shut up.” Toni grabbed the back of my head and shoved my head down his cock. I gagged, but he was relentless, repeatedly hitting the back of my throat, and going deeper with every shove. My eyes started to water. Upon seeing this, he pinched my nose so that I couldn’t breathe. I panicked. I started to hit Toni’s leg and waved my own, kicking the floor away. Finally, Toni let me breathe. “Are you going to do as I say? Or be a little bitch?”

Slap!

“I’m gonna do as you say, I swear. I’m gonna be good.” With tears streaming down my face, I forced his cock down my throat and waited for him to pinch my nose. This time I didn’t dare move.

“Good girl.” He bent down to kiss me. I missed his lips so much. This is what I live for.

Faster than I could say “I love you,” Toni stood back up, grabbed my hair from the top of my head, and dragged me across the carpeted floor. Scrambling on all four limbs, I tried to catch up with him so that my hair wasn’t pulled so hard. In one motion he lifted me up by my hair to stand, and I was leaned up with my face against the wall. He rubbed his cock between my legs. It was so hard, I could almost feel it throbbing on my inner thigh. My pussy was so wet, it felt like I had pissed myself.

I heard him spit, then felt his fingers inside me. He fucked me with his hand and I knew what was coming. I couldn’t help it, I wasn’t in control. The second he took his hand out, I squirted all over the floor.

“Get down and lick it up.” I would do anything to please him, so I got down on the floor and licked the dirty, ash-and-squirt-covered carpet while he watched me, stroking his cock. I wanted it so bad. I knew he would put me through obstacles before letting me have it.

I hate the taste of squirt. As I licked it up, I told myself I deserved this.

When I did this long enough for his liking, Toni directed me to stand up and go to the bed.

I lay down on the bed, on my back. Toni came and lay on top of me.

“You want to know a secret?” he asked.

I nodded.

He smiled for the first time since he walked into the room. “I missed you.”

I started to sob. It was what he said. It was how much my head hurt from him pulling my hair, how much my jaw hurt from being slapped too hard. How my face smelled like fucking squirt. It was how bad I had missed him, how much I hated myself for being so insecure. And how happy I was he was here.

As I shook with tears running down my face, he kissed me all over, and whispered how beautiful I was as he finally put his cock inside of me. Immediately the muscles in my pussy grabbed on, and I came almost instantly. I had been waiting for what seemed like an eternity.

He fucked me like this for a while, and made me cum over and over.

“I own you,” he told me as he took his dick out. Rubbing it on my ass, he pushed my legs farther back. “Hold your legs there,” he gently commanded as he pushed the tip into my other hole. I held my breath while he worked his way in. Gradually, inch by inch, he went farther into my ass. All the way in, the head of his cock hit the perfect spot.

“Only your cock feels this good,” I told him like I had told him so many times before. I clenched my ass and concentrated on orgasming. “Please cum in me, I miss your cum, I need it,” I begged him. I was at the point of cumming but I waited for him to catch up. “I want to cum so bad but I need to feel your cock throb. I’ll keep it in me all day like a good girl.”

That did it. As he came into my ass, moaning, squeezing my waist, I let go, too. I could feel the cum coming out of his dick, spreading in my ass.

By the time we were done, it was time for me to go to my makeup artist’s room. Toni walked me there and came to pick me up when I was done. We walked the red carpet, and I went on to host the show with absolutely zero mistakes. I won my Performer of the Year award, along with five others. Toni and I went to celebrate at the club after the awards, and we ended the night back in the hotel room, me back to my normal self.

Sometimes a girl just needs the crazy fucked out of her.

Letter to My Future Child

Dear future child of mine,

By the time you read this letter, you may already be old. You may still be young, or you may never get to read this at all. Whatever the case, I hope I will have had the courage to tell you about my life. And I hope you can accept who I was before you were born.

You see, Mommy was a pornstar. Not just any pornstar—she was an award-winning anal queen.

Mommy wanted to be a star all her life, and was lucky enough to be one, even if it was only for a few short years, even if she was only really considered a “star” in certain circles. Maybe you want to be a star one day. Maybe you want to be a doctor. Or a teacher. Maybe you want to grow up and be an artist who takes donations in the subway station just to support their passion/lazy significant other. That’s okay, too. Mommy wants you to do whatever you want with your life—because that’s what a person is entitled to do.

Did I ever tell you how your father and I met? Have you asked that question yet? I wonder if I told you we met at work. How detailed did I get? Maybe I avoided the truth altogether and told you we met on
eHarmony.com
. I hope so badly that I told you something close to the truth.

Mommy met Daddy in her first DP scene. Do you know what that is? DP means double penetration. That means during the sex scene, Mommy had one man’s penis in her vagina, while she had another man’s penis in her asshole, at the same time. The scene wasn’t supposed to go that way. Mommy had never even shot an anal scene at that point. But she was falling in love. And when people are falling in love, strange things happen sometimes.

The scene was the first time Mommy ever met Daddy in real life. She had seen Daddy’s movies, and was fascinated. She had never seen a man who could dominate a woman that way. He would treat a woman like a filthy whore one minute, choking her to the point of passing out; and then slap her across the face the next minute, to regain consciousness, so she would awaken to him making love to her, whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Mommy was determined to meet Daddy.

Daddy had seen Mommy’s movies, too, and he was a fan. But Daddy lived in Spain, and only came to work in America once a year. So their paths didn’t cross for a long time.

It was July. Daddy was in America. Even now, he always reminds Mommy he came to the country looking for her.

Mommy was shooting a big movie, and requested Daddy come be in it. She wanted him to be in a threeway with her and another boy. Daddy agreed to take the job. They were both so excited, but at the time, neither of them realized the feeling was mutual.

The first moment Mommy saw Daddy, it was something like love. Mommy, being a Capricorn, obviously doesn’t believe in silly things like love at first sight; but this was something special for sure. Let’s say from the moment she laid eyes on Daddy, she started falling in love. He looked at her so intensely, it made her nervous at the bottom of her chest. He kissed her passionately, something she didn’t do so often in her scenes. He and the other boy had sex with her and made her cum over and over. Mommy felt drunk. When Daddy was inside Mommy’s vagina, it felt so good—better than any other penis she had ever had inside of her. Which was saying a lot. It hit all of the right spots, and she felt like he could make her do anything. She wanted to submit everything to him. So Mommy begged Daddy to put it inside of her ass. She begged and begged, and he gave it to her. She opened her legs wider, he spit on his hand, rubbed the spit onto her asshole, and put his dick inside, first the tip, then the head, then the whole shaft. He knew she had never shot an anal scene before. He was gentle at first, but as she moaned, he could feel she was opening up. He started to pound harder. Mommy was entranced.