Into the Deep 01 (32 page)

My body jerked at the unexpected comment. “Hope?”

Jake nodded, shoving his nervous hands into his pockets. “I wasn’t looking for anything from you. I never imagined you’d ever want me back. Not after what I did, how I acted.” He turned now, starting to walk again and I found myself hurrying to catch up, my breathing shallow as Jake’s confession became my whole world. “A few months after we moved back to Chicago, I still wasn’t doing well. I wouldn’t talk to my parents, my grades were slipping, I spent most of my time holed up in my room listening to crap music, and I was … pretty good at pretending to be numb.”

“What happened to Brett wasn’t your fault, Jake,” I reminded him quietly.

“I know that,” he nodded, “I know that now. But back then, I couldn’t get the what-ifs out of my head. For the most part, I did a good job of negatively associating you with it all.” Jake’s gaze was apologetic when he saw me flinch. “That didn’t last long. Three months after we left Lanton, I was up in my room and I still had a lot of moving boxes lying around. My parents paid for a company to pack most of our stuff and transport it back to Chicago, so when I opened one of my boxes, I wasn’t expecting to see you there. I’d forgotten about the tickets to Blind Side and that frame I had on my bedside table …”

I hugged my arms around myself, remembering the photograph that Lukas had taken of me and Jake leaning against Hendrix. He had his arms around me, I had my hand on his stomach, and I was smiling up into his face. Jake wasn’t smiling but the expression in his eyes told everyone who looked at that picture that he was in love with me.

I’d loved that photo. So had Jake.

Tears formed in the back of my eyes and I fought hard to restrain them.

“I pulled out that photograph and as I stared at it, it was just a floodtide. I remembered. I remembered how much I loved you. How happy you made me. How much you could surprise me. How hard you made me laugh. And what it felt like to feel you laughing against me. To hold you. To kiss you. To be inside you.” He shot me a dark look and my breath caught. “I remembered what I said to you. I remembered every tear on your face when I broke up with you, and I couldn’t believe I was the one who put them there. That’s when it hit me: there was no going back. When I threw you away, somewhere deep down I think I believed it would be okay because we were us. We were solid. But reality set in after the fact. After what I did? There was no way I could win you back.” He glanced warily at me. “I lost it. The blame, the guilt, the anger, the loss, it all just swallowed me whole. My parents heard me yelling and breaking things and by the time they got to my room, I’d trashed the place and I’d cut my hands on the picture frame glass.” He shrugged sadly. “That makes me sound psycho, I know … but think of it from my perspective. To me, in that moment, it was like you’d died too.

“My parents made me talk to someone and it helped with all the other stuff—Brett’s death, his dad’s campaign of hate, and my responsibility in it all, or lack thereof. I’ve accepted what happened wasn’t my fault. I won’t forget it, but I’ve gotten through it. You,” Jake’s smile was crooked, halfhearted, and rueful, “were harder to deal with. So I went back to my old ways instead.”

Meaning he slept around a lot. I ignored the unpleasant clench in my stomach at that thought. “Then you met Melissa.”

“You should know I applied to Edinburgh on the off chance you’d be here and I’d get to apologize, find some closure. Never, not once, did I ever believe I could get you back.”

“So you’d given up and you moved on.”

Jake stopped us again, his hand touching my elbow gently. “Baby, I don’t think I ever moved on.” He ducked his head, stepping forward into my space, his dark eyes mesmerizing as always. “And for the first time I’m allowing myself to hope that you haven’t moved on, either.”

My breath caught and I honestly felt my body teeter at his words. “Jake, I can’t.” I backed away from him.

Ignoring my silent plea for space, Jake moved so near, I had to tilt my head back. The smell of his cologne hit me and I had to rein myself in against the temptation to press my mouth to his strong throat. “These last few months have been torture, Charley. Getting to be close to you but not close enough. I will do anything to make this work.”

“You broke up with Melissa for me?”

Guilt sharpened his expression as he replied, “For you. For me. For her.”

My body remembered how beautiful it felt to be wrapped around Jake Caplin and it was pleading with me to throw caution to the wind.

“You want this as much as I do,” Jake said gruffly.

I saw no point in denying what was so obvious between us, but just because I remembered how beautiful it was to be in love with Jake and have him love me back didn’t mean I hadn’t forgotten how ugly it was to have him tell me he didn’t care anymore.

“I do,” I admitted softly, “but that doesn’t mean I want a relationship with you. I don’t trust you, Jake, and I don’t know if I’ll ever trust you again. You shouldn’t have thrown away a girl who trusted you implicitly for me.”

“I care about Melissa, I do—”

“Last year you
loved
her. Now it’s only care?”

“Yeah, I thought I loved her, but that’s because for a while I let myself forget.”

“Forget what?”

“What’s it’s like to love you.” Jake reached for me, his fingers brushing my cheek tenderly.

I curled my hand around his wrist and closed my eyes, not sure if I was blocking out his confession or soaking it in.

“I’ve never stopped loving you. If I stayed with Melissa, it would’ve been a lie and she deserves better than that. And I know you deserve better too, but I’m just too selfish when it comes to you. I want you even though I don’t deserve you.”

“Jake …”

“You save people. You save me. It’s what you do. You even tried to save Brett and I’m so proud of you and of how you coped with that night. I missed out on getting to tell you that and I missed out on helping you deal with that too. Because it didn’t just happen to me. It happened to us all.

“I wish I could go back to that scared-shitless kid and tell him to be brave like his girl. I can’t take that back, though. All I can do is attempt to make up for it. I want you to give me that chance, but if you don’t, I need you to know I never lied when I told you that you’re extraordinary, Charley. Whatever your answer is, just know that I will always believe that, and I will always believe in you.”

“Jake.” I was panicking, panicking because I wanted to give in. The brave girl everyone thought me to be had fled down the cold Scottish hill. “No.” Stupid, stupid tears slipped down my cheeks as I said it, my stomach flipping in protestation at the word.

“Charley,” he whispered hoarsely, pleading, as he reached up to brush away my tears with his thumb. “Please. Please try because every time I look into your face, all I feel is … so in love with you. Then two seconds later, every time without fail, it hits me like a sledgehammer in my gut that you’re not mine. That I’m not allowed to reach out to you … I thought I could accept that, I thought I’d come to terms with it, but I can’t. We’re not over.” Tears shimmered in his beautiful eyes. “We
can’t
be over.”

The knowledge that he felt the same pain I felt every day, and the sight of his overwrought expression, beat away at my panic until all that was left was fear and stupid, stupid hope.

Hearing his breathing grow heavy with anticipation—and if the trembling in his hand was any indication, also fear—my eyes slowly opened. I stared up into his burning expression and leaned my cheek into his hand, my fingers flexing around his wrist. “I can’t guarantee you anything. I know I haven’t moved on from you, and I know I still care about you, but Jake, you have to know that I might never trust you again and if I don’t trust you … we’re never going to work.” I squeezed his wrist. “I might not be able to give you what you want.”

Eyes blazing with relief and determination, Jake dipped his head close to mine so his words whispered across my lips. “I’m willing to risk it.”

We stared at each other in silence until the tension between us became almost unbearable. My eyes dropped to his mouth and I had to physically restrain myself from reaching up and taking what I’d been dreaming about for months. When I raised my gaze back to his, Jake’s eyes were heated and the muscle in his jaw flexed as if he was also struggling to hold himself back.

My chest rose and fell in rapid breaths as I fought to come to the right decision.

In the end I went with my gut and sighed into him. “Okay,” I breathed.

Jake’s grip on me tightened as his eyes widened. “Okay, okay?”

I nodded, shivering now with the decision. This could go horribly wrong after all.

But suddenly Jake was grinning, his eyes shining as he pulled me close and leaned his forehead against mine.

The shivering stopped. His warm breath fanned my face. “Thank you, baby.”

My hands reached for him, gripping his coat at the waist. “Where do we go from here?”

“I need to get the next train back to Edinburgh.”

A strange and unpleasant mix of guilt and jealousy washed over me. “To Melissa?”

“Not to Melissa but,” he groaned, rubbing a hand through his hair, “if I stay here, I’m not going to be able to control myself and I think maybe we should take things slow. For us. And also out of respect. It’s only been a few weeks …” He quieted, seeming anxious about my reaction to his concern for Melissa.

In actuality, his concern convinced me that I should at least try to give this guy I once loved completely another shot. It would somehow feel callous to start a physical relationship only a month after their breakup.

And then remembering Melissa’s words at Frankenstein, her description of her relationship with Jake, I suddenly felt a cold rush of uncertainty. “Jake … she said she’s one of your best friends. That she brings you peace. I don’t know if I’ve ever given you peace … Are you sure you’re—”

“Stop,” he whispered roughly. “Mel is one of my best friends and hurting her was awful. But as for peace … I don’t know what she said but I know what I know. Mel and me … our relationship was comfortable, quiet. We rarely argued and she was supportive and kind.” His expression grew more intense as he studied my features, as if they were the most important things he’d ever lay eyes on. “But peace … that comes with feeling complete, and I haven’t felt that way since I was seventeen and I walked away from a girl who could make me laugh harder, feel harder, and burn harder than any other person in my world. You gave me peace, Charley.
You
did. You
do
.”

Swallowing hard, I felt my own guilt rise. “Melissa … she knows, then?”

Jake pulled back, his expression uncomfortable. “We almost broke up after Halloween but I convinced myself that I could make it work with her, that being around you again was just confusing. The argument at the airport, in the cab, it was one of many lately. She knew, Charley. She also knew it would be worse for both of us if I’d gone on pretending.”

Confused how his emotions could’ve switched so quickly, I let him go and jammed my hands in my pockets. “You really have fallen out of love with her?”

He took a moment before answering carefully. “I still love her. I’m just not
in
love with her. Charley,” Jake shook his head, all the awe, affection, and tenderness I’d missed for years back in his eyes, “I knew after weeks of meeting you that I was never going to love another girl like I love you. You’re it for me. They write books about what we have. You felt it when we were sixteen—I know you did because you gave me everything, and I’m going to spend the next few weeks, months, years if needed, proving to you that when you gave everything to me, it wasn’t because we all do ‘stupid shit sometimes,’” his voice cracked as he told me he remembered the awful things he’d said to me, word for word, “it’s because we’re ‘it.’ What I did, losing you, it was the hardest lesson I’ve ever learned. Now nothing will get in my way of making you happy.”

It sounded wonderful. It sounded like it had sounded before. A huge part of me wanted to pull him toward me and kiss the mouth that had spoken such beautiful things so they’d melt on my tongue and seep deep into me, but the broken part of me wasn’t as persuaded.

Jake saw it and his eyes softened. “Baby, I’ll earn it back. I promise I’ll earn it back.”

Before Jake left us, he caught up with Lowe to have a private word with him. Whatever passed between them, they returned more at peace with one another. Lowe even winked at me to let me know everything was all right between us.

I wasn’t sure how everyone else would react to the news that Jake was going back to Edinburgh because we had no self-control.

A bundle of nerves, guilt, and excitement, I was quiet while Jake told the group he needed to go back to the city. When the taxi arrived and Jake climbed inside, I watched from the balcony, questioning over and over if I’d done the right thing.

“So tell us, Charley,” Denver asked lazily, “is he going back to escape you or is he going back so he doesn’t fuck you?”

I stiffened at the question and looked over my shoulder, my eyes resting on Claudia first. She looked back at me, her eyebrows drawn together in concern. I nodded slowly at her. “The latter.”