Into The Fire (26 page)

I sighed.

“Look.” He raised his hand like that would
keep me calm. “If you really like this girl, why don’t you just
tell her how you feel? Give her a relationship if that’s what she
wants. It’s obviously what you want and there’s nothing wrong with
that.”

“I don’t do relationships.”

“Well, maybe you can make an exception for
this one.”

Doubt came into my mind. “She doesn’t want a
relationship with me, Sawyer. If she did, she would have said
something to me. And she wouldn’t be dating other guys. She knows
I’m only good for fucking—nothing more.”

He gave me a grim look. “I say you just tell
her and see what happens. You have nothing to lose, right?”

“Except what’s left of me.” I wouldn’t look
at him because I was too tense to make eye contact.

“Then you should stop thinking about her and
move on.”

Easier said than done
.

“Let’s go pick up some broads.”

“No.” I didn’t want to charm some girl into
my bed. I just didn’t have the stomach for it. I was too depressed
to be aroused, and I knew I would only think about Alessandra,
which would just make me more depressed.

“So…it looks like you need to just block her
out. Focus on your shop.”

I didn’t care about my shop.

Sawyer turned on the TV again. “I’m here if
you need to talk.”

“I’m good.”

“Well, I hope you feel better soon. I miss my
friend.”

***

Putting Alessandra out of my head was the
only option I had, so I dove headfirst into it. I immediately began
plans for my new shop. I searched around the city for some prime
real estate with my agent. The location was more important than
anything else, especially in New York.

The shops closest to the tourist spots were
the most expensive. They had prime access to pedestrians and
traffic. It was an ideal place to open any business but it just
wasn’t for me. I wanted something with more soul, a sense of
community.

We eventually picked a place a few blocks
from Times Square. It had less foot traffic and it was next to a
pizza parlor, but I thought it was a good location. Since I was
still working at my old shop, I gave out business cards to clients
so I could take them with me. My boss wouldn’t be happy but that
wasn’t my problem.

A few weeks went by and I didn’t hear a word
from Alessandra. I kept checking my phone, hoping to hear from her,
but there were never any missed calls or text messages.

She probably didn’t even think about me
anymore.

Did she like Brad? Had they slept together?
If they did, did she think of me?

Did she ever think of me?

I thought the depression would be gone by now
but it wasn’t. It was just as strong as ever. Whenever women made
passes at me, I told myself just to go for it. Maybe if I fucked
enough women, I’d forget about Alessandra.

But I couldn’t do it.

It was like my body couldn’t respond to
anyone but her.

What the hell was wrong with me?

How did this happen?

I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

This sucked.

***

Mom called me but I didn’t answer. I didn’t
want to talk to her or my father. But when I didn’t call her back,
she called again. She left a few messages and even resorted to
texting me. She wasn’t good with her phone, so her message was
barely readable.

I knew if I didn’t respond to her, she would
blow up my phone forever.

Mom, I’m really busy right now. I’ll call
when I can.

That should get her off my back for a
while.

After work one day, I headed to my apartment
and stilled when I spotted my mother waiting outside the door.

Goddammit.

Mom spotted me, and her eyes immediately
widened. “There you are. I’ve been waiting all day.”

“I had to work.”

She crossed her arms over her chest as she
stared at me. She was over a foot shorter than me but she could
still be intimidating. I’d killed men with my bare hands and
watched the life leave their eyes, but her look of disapproval
still unnerved me.

“What’s up?” I got the door unlocked and
walked inside.

“What’s up?” she asked, clearly irritated. “I
have something to ask you.”

“What?” I asked in a bored voice. I didn’t
care about anything anymore. She could yell and scream about
whatever she wanted to bitch about and I wouldn’t flinch.

“I went to that flower shop to surprise
Alessandra and the woman said no one by that name worked there.”
Accusation was in her eyes.

I guess my lies were bound to catch up with
me.

“If she doesn’t work there, where does she
work?”

I had my money so I didn’t care at that
point. “She’s an escort.”

Her jaw dropped. “She’s a prostitute?”

“No. She’s an actress. She pretends to be a
man’s girlfriend for money.”

“I don’t understand…”

Mom was a little slow. “I paid her to pretend
to be my girlfriend. That way, you would give me back my money and
I could move on with my life.”

“You what?” She put her hands on her hips.
“You tricked me?”

“Yep.” I didn’t feel any remorse. “It was
pathetic I had to resort to that to get my money back. You should
have just been honorable and paid me back instead of holding it
over my head. I’ve suffered enough in the war and you chose to make
my rehabilitation even worse.” Things I never said before were
flying out of my mouth. Normally, I acted like everything was just
fine and didn’t give in to the dark thoughts. But now I was a loose
cannon. “I’m sorry you aren’t proud of who I am. I’m sorry you’re
ashamed of me and the things I care about. If you disapprove of me
so much, then cut me out. I’m tired of you treating me like I’m
some kind of mistake. Accept me for who I am or just leave me
alone.”

Instead of blowing up and screaming at me,
her eyes fell in sadness. “Ash, you aren’t a mistake. I love
you.”

“It doesn’t seem like it.”

“I do,” she said. “I’m sorry I don’t show it
very well…”

I couldn’t believe she was apologizing to
me.

“I didn’t realize how much I hurt you.”

“Well, you did. I like inking and I’m going
to open my shop. I already found a place and have ordered the
equipment. It’s happening. And no, I’m not going back to
school.”

Mom nodded slowly. “Then I accept that, Ash.
Do what you want.”

Seriously? No yelling? No screaming?
“Are you drunk?”

She actually smiled. “No, Ash. If you
resorted to such tactics just to get your money back, then I know
you’re fed up with me.”

“I guess…”

“I’m sorry, honey. I really am.” Sincerity
was in her eyes.

I never expected this to happen. “It’s
okay.”

She moved into my chest and hugged me.

I returned the embrace and felt warm.
Approval was something I never got from my parents. It was nice to
get it now. “So, you’re going to pardon my jail time?”

She sighed. “It’s in the past, Ash. Just
learn from your mistakes.”

“I’ll try.” I pulled away and forced a smile.
I was still too depressed to really enjoy the moment.

“Ash, I know it’s none of my business but I’m
a little confused about Alessandra.”

I hated hearing her name. “She’s an escort.
That’s the end of the story.”

“No…it just seemed like you really loved her.
I could see it every time you looked at her.”

Was everything written all over my face? “I
don’t love her.”

“Then you certainly care about her.”

I couldn’t deny that.

“Why can’t you be with her? Your father and I
love her. And I know she made you happy.”

“It’s a long story.” I never talked about my
personal life with my mom. It was a little weird. “Basically, she
doesn’t want to be with me.”

“She said that?”

“Pretty much. I’m not her type. I’m
too…unpredictable.”

“Well, show her otherwise.”

I didn’t want to get into this. “Alessandra
and I will never be together. You’ll never see her again. Just make
your peace with it.”

Her eyes fell in sadness. “I see…”

I grabbed my keys. “So, you want to see the
shop?”

She cleared her throat and tried to hide the
devastation on her face. “I’d love to.”

***

The shop was completely empty. Nothing was
inside it. The tile was marked up and old, and the walls were faded
and gray. “I know it isn’t much right now but I’m making a lot of
changes to it.”

Mom looked around with her arms across her
chest. “I’m sure it’ll look great when you’re finished with it.
What did you have in mind?”

“The walls will be black with portraits of
different ink on the walls. Red chairs will be in the lobby. And
the counter will be made of deep purple marble. It’ll be sick.”

“I’m sure.” Mom looked out the window and
didn’t seem to really care.

Since she came all the way down there and
finally apologized, I let it go. She made enough effort for the
day. “I’ll get this place running soon.” It was the only
distraction I had.

Mom turned to me. “I’m sorry to bring this up
again…”

I didn’t want to talk about her. Every time I
did it made me sick.

“You really don’t love this girl?”

“No.” I clenched my jaw as I said it. “I
already said that.”

“Well, I don’t believe that.” She turned her
unflinching gaze on me. “I remember the way you were with her.”

“Acting,” I said. “It’s her job.”

“Not her acting,” she said. “Yours.”

I stared at her.

“You weren’t acting, Ash. This girl meant
something to you. I can tell.”

This knowledge kept hitting me in the
face—hard.

“Why don’t you talk to her?”

“Mom, stay out of it.”

“You love her—”

“Knock it off.” I was growing angry, and the
darkness inside me was stretching. I had a bad temper and I
couldn’t control it well. Perhaps it was because I’d experienced a
whole other world when I was overseas. All the drama in America was
just bullshit most of the time. People didn’t realize how good they
had it. “I’m done talking about this.”

Mom finally gave up. “I’m sorry. I just want
you to be happy.”

“I am happy.”
Fuck no, I was so damn
miserable.

“You were much happier with her.”

Don’t remind me.
“Want to get
something to eat?” I’d do anything to change the subject.

She seemed to realize the conversation went
as far as possible. “Sure.”

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Alessandra

As the weeks passed, Ash slowly faded from my
mind.

But he never disappeared.

I tried not to think about him because it
never led to anything good. When his face came into my mind, the
longing swallowed me up. I missed the way my sheets smelled when he
slept over. Sometimes I glanced at my door and hoped he would barge
in just the way he used to. When something interesting happened, I
immediately grabbed the phone so I could tell him about it.

But then I remembered he wasn’t in my life
anymore.

Everything he said was true. I did want to be
with him more than Brad. Hell, I wanted to be with him more than
anybody. Apparently, my desires were written all over my face. He
knew exactly how I felt, and it was embarrassing that he figured it
out so quickly.

It was humiliating, actually.

But I managed to save face and walk away from
him. I wouldn’t be with him even if he offered everything I ever
wanted. He was a liar, and I couldn’t trust him. He wanted me all
to himself even if that meant I was unhappy. He wasn’t willing to
step aside because he was jealous and possessive.

He lied right to my face.

His honesty attracted me to him in the
beginning. He didn’t care what anyone thought of him so he blurted
everything out without thinking twice about it. If you asked for
his opinion, he would give it to you straight, no matter how
painful it was. I never wondered what he was thinking or feeling
because he told me the truth.

But that was an act.

I’d never forget how painful it was to see
that girl standing in his apartment. She was wearing the blue
t-shirt I’d seen him wear several times. I even wore it myself when
I left the bedroom to get something to drink. Seeing it on someone
else reminded me how insignificant I was.

In a few months, he wouldn’t even remember
my name.

I always fell for the wrong ones. Why? I
wasn't a masochist but sometimes I felt like it.

I went out with Brad again and wondered if
something physical would happen. We hadn’t even kissed yet, and now
it seemed pretty lame. At first, I thought he was just traditional
and slow. But now I was just irritated. How did I know if we had
any chemistry unless we physically touched? I wasn’t a slut but
this was moving too slow. I needed something.

I met him at the restaurant and sat across
from him. Even though we’d been on four dates, it didn’t seem like
this was going anywhere other than deepening a friendship. It
seemed like that’s all he wanted. I wasn’t ready to fall in love,
but I didn’t want to hang out with someone when I had plenty of
friends.

He seemed different that night, like he was
uncomfortable or didn’t want to be there. He fidgeted a lot,
touching his menu or swirling his wine too many times. Something
was clearly on his mind.

“Everything okay?”

He put the glass down and sighed. “Actually,
no.”

What? Was he mad that I slept with Ash after
all? Did he change his mind? Was it something else? Maybe me being
an escort got under his skin after all? “What is it?”

“I don’t know how to say this…I feel like a
jerk.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “I have a thick
skin.”

“Well…” He released another sigh. “Remember
my ex I told you about?”