Irresistible (12 page)

• • •

That’s how it began.

My double life.

In the day, I worked and fell easily into being with Dan. Every time I told myself we were just friends, someone would comment how good we were together. After a while, I stopped protesting.

Then, at two in the morning, I’d swim.

Sometimes I’d go to Jamie’s party first. Sometimes he’d pick me up. Either way, I’d find myself there.

At first we would just swim, sharing a few words at the end of each lap. And then talking would take over. We’d talk quietly and close together, so as not to alert anyone from Radleigh. He’d let his sarcasm drop, just for a bit, and I’d see something real.

It was like I was chasing those moments. A glimpse into his childhood. Or what scared him. Or what he really cared about.

But there was something else keeping me there. Something dangerous and exciting because it hadn’t been put into words. Each time we’d meet, we’d take it a little bit further. Not in what we did, but in what we said. Finding words that painted pictures of what we wanted to do.

Turning those words into actions was all I could think about.

Jamie Elliot-Fox is toxic.

That was still to come.

I’m walking along the road near my house with Dan. Every so often our hands brush against each other. We’re quoting lines from
The Office
.

When we get near my house, but not quite in view of the windows, I stop and softly punch him on the arm. His face is illuminated by the pool of light from a streetlamp. I realize I’m standing in the shadows.

“S’yalater,” I say, which we’ve started saying instead of good-bye.

“S’yalater,” he says.

He leans in to kiss me and then stops when he realizes I’ve already started turning to go.

I turn back. “Oh!”

“No, it’s fine,” he says quickly.

“No, I …” I step toward him. We kiss once on the lips.

Watching him walk away, I feel a wave of uneasiness. I
stand there, hidden from my house by a bush. I’m prolonging the moment of decision. I walk one way and go into my house. My parents know I’m there, and so there’ll be no swimming. I go the other way, and walk back to Radleigh.

I suppose there is a third option: I could live in this bush.

That is actually pretty tempting. I could make a bed out of leaves, be friends with the mice and birds … I bet mice and birds don’t invite you to go naughty swimming with them. If they did, then they would wear those modest swimsuits that Victorian people wore and it would all be very innocent.

While I’m thinking this, and possibly going insane, the decision is made for me, because Mom appears and scares the living crap out of me.

I scream. She screams and throws the trash bag she’s holding across the road.

“What are you doing?” I shriek, despite my being the one who was hiding behind the bush and despite it being completely obvious that she’s putting out the garbage. She eyes me warily as she picks up the bag.

“Bedtime, Mia. I think you’ve had a late enough night.”

I’m lying in bed, staring at my alarm clock. I watch the numbers change. It’s been forty-six minutes since I heard Mom’s door close.

I move my legs up and down against the sheets. I’m still wearing my work stuff. Static crackles between my tights and the duvet as I carefully slide out of bed.

I never thought I would actually be arranging pillows in my bed to look like a person. I feel like I’m in a teen drama and, next episode, I’m going to be sneaking a boy in through my window or learning that drugs are bad.

As I walk slowly down the stairs, every tiny creak sounds deafening. My breathing sounds like a train going past.

I remember at the last minute to go out the back door; otherwise I’ll trigger the security light.

I go along the river, rather than the road, so it’s less likely anyone will see me. It’s so dark I can’t even see my own feet as I walk. I use my phone as a flashlight. I’m so excited by the nighttime mission that I don’t stop to think that walking along the river at night could be incredibly dangerous.

As I approach the pool house, I realize I haven’t even texted Jamie to let him know I’m on my way. Will he just be expecting me? More importantly, will he reference the fact that I have just sneaked out of my house and walked through the pitch black to get here? I’m hoping that my desperate behavior can just go uncommented on.

He looks at me curiously when he opens the door. Or it could be sleepily. He’s rubbing his eyes and wearing a T-shirt and boxers, so I think I might have got him out of bed.

I jump inside before he has the chance to say anything. “Can we stay in? I don’t feel like swimming.”

He steps back to let me in and points toward his bedroom. “In there.”

“What’s in there?”

“My sex dungeon,” he says and walks over to the kitchen, ruffling his hair. I go over, but pause at the door. You can never be totally sure with him.

“There’s also a TV and a selection of movies,” he continues, taking a bag out of the cupboard. “So it’s up to you.”

“Well, seeing how I’ve left my whip at home, I think I’ll go with the movie.”

He raises his eyebrows at me and gets out a saucepan.

He’s making something in the kitchen, but calls through that I can find pajamas in the dresser. I inspect his room. Despite the nights I’ve spent in the pool house, I’ve never been in here. The TV is enormous and takes up most of the wall opposite the bed, which is also enormous. I peel back the duvet. Silk sheets.

I hear popping from the kitchen and realize what he’s doing. I change quickly into a T-shirt and shorts and get into the bed. I set the alarm on my phone for five. That should give me enough time to sneak back home before anyone wakes up. Then Jamie arrives at the door with a bowl of freshly made popcorn.

He puts the bowl on the bed and takes off his T-shirt. I feel a thrill rising in my chest and look away from him. I know it’s the same as seeing him in his swimming trunks, but being in his bed feels more risky. And exciting.

It feels less so when he tells me to move over and not to hog the popcorn.

We watch
Casablanca
. At first we’re sitting separately, me with my knees drawn up to my chest and him lounging back on a pillow. At some point he puts his arm behind me and I slide backward. I end up with my head on his chest. I watch his stomach muscles move with the rise and fall of his chest. By the end of the film, his arm is around me. Just before I drift off to sleep, I think,
This is what it could be like
. Not sneaking around. Just being together.

“I don’t get it at all,” says Mom. “If you’re going to go off with someone else, then just break up with him.”

“In her mind, she might think she’s doing the right thing,” says Jeff. “If she keeps it secret, no one gets hurt.”

“Because it won’t all come out in the end …” Mom shakes her head. “She’s being a selfish idiot.”

“We are inherently selfish beings,” Matthew pipes up from behind his book.

I aim a kick at him under the table.

“Mia!” says Mom, seeing the kick. “It’s enough that you’re sitting there being a thoughtless cow, but what the hell.”

I don’t look at her and poke the peas on my plate with my fork.

“Don’t you have an opinion?”

“No,” I mutter. “I don’t care about your crappy friends and their sad lives.”

Mom glares at me. “Is there a reason for this mood?”

“I’m tired.”

She nags at me for a while before I can escape to my room. I take my phone out of my sleeve and start plotting how I can get to the pool house tonight. I could say I was going to Gabi’s … My thumb hovers uneasily over her name on my phone. I haven’t told her about the swimming yet. Obviously I will. We tell each other everything. She’s just been getting so excited planning double dates for her and Max with me and Dan. She loves Dan.

My eyes switch focus to the twisted leather bracelet on my wrist. Dan got it for me on his biking trip. Like the bell on a clock, the thought strikes me again. Dan.

I close my eyes and wait for it to fade away. Since he got back from his trip, he’s had his cousin staying with him and so he’s been a little preoccupied. He keeps saying at work that we haven’t had a chance to really see each other since he’s been back. I think guiltily that it’s pretty lucky that he hasn’t noticed what I’ve been up to.

She should just break up with him.

What’s wrong with me? I really, really like Dan.

Imaginary Mom pops up in my head.
If you really like him, then don’t lead him on.

But if I break up with Dan, then I’m just left with this weird … thing with Jamie. Who has a girlfriend anyway.

Having a boyfriend isn’t everything, Mi. You need to know you’d be okay on your own.

Imaginary Mom is really annoying.

Oh, easy for you to say, Mom. You went out with Dad when you were my age and he went and cheated on you when
you were pregnant. Then you lived with Granny till Jeff “rescued” you. Not really being on your own, is it?

My imaginary argument has got me all wound up, and I’m walking around my room in circles. I try to banish imaginary Mom from my head just as there’s a real knock at my door.

“It’s Jeff. Can I come in?”

“Um… yeah.”

He enters the room as if he’s pretending to walk on eggshells, making a big deal of closing the door gently. Sometimes everything about him irritates me. He’s got his eyebrows raised and a serious expression on—probably the one he uses when he tells the kids at his school they’re going to fail the history final.

“Look, Mia. It’s not okay, this snapping at your mom.”

“I’ll say sorry.”

“It’s getting to be a pattern with you. Staying at that place night after night. When we do see you, you can’t get away fast enough. There’s clearly some drinking going on as well.”

“You don’t know—” I stop myself. “My shifts finish late. Jesus, I thought you’d be glad I’m working hard.”

“I am. But you’re obviously not sleeping.”

I study his face and suddenly feel as though what I
am
doing is written all over my face. He’s waiting. Expecting me to confess it all and say he’s right and that I’ll stop working so much and thank him for caring about me.

“Gabi’s been calling the house phone for you,” he continues softly. “She said to tell you to ‘look at your damn phone.’” He smiles. “From what I can see, you’re glued to the thing. What’s going on?”

At that moment my phones buzzes in my hand. Jamie. I tilt the screen away so Jeff won’t see.

“Can you let it go just once?” he says.

I look up at him, but at the same time open the message. My eyes flick down to read it.

Early swim, Joseph? Hurry up. Being naked on my own is no fun.

My face flushes red. I know he’s kidding. He wouldn’t be wandering around naked at this time. Guests might see. But is he suggesting …

Jeff reaches out to take my phone and I swerve out of his way. All my anger and annoyance starts to spill over, and I just want to grab him and shake him.

“Oh my God! Can you just get your nose out of my life?”

It’s not quite how I meant it to come out, and he looks suitably taken aback, but I can’t stop myself.

“Just because you’ve got no friends, it doesn’t mean you can take a creepy interest in
my
social life. It’s WEIRD!”

“It’s called bringing you up, Mia,” he says steadily. “I’ve been doing it since you were five, and I’m going to keep caring about you whether you like it or not.”

“Well, you keep doing that. Just as long as you know you’ll always be a terrible replacement for my dad.”

He bites the inside of his cheeks. Jeff makes a point of never saying anything bad about Dad. Sometimes I think he does it just so we know how easily he could insult Dad if he wanted to. Dad cheated. Walked out on us. Never visits. Jeff’s got a lot of ammunition. The hot anger has been replaced by a cold feeling. I want to hurt him.

“What do you want to say? You’re obviously thinking tons of nasty things about Dad, so just say them. What is it? He left us? Well, every day I wish he hadn’t, because if my mom hadn’t been single and desperate, there’s no
way she would have ended up with a sad frigging loser like you.”

Jeff’s staring at me, stunned. He breathes in and I think I’m about to get totally reamed out, but then he just sighs and looks up at the wall. His face is pink and his eyes are blinking rapidly, magnified by his glasses. He turns and walks out of my room.

I’m shaking. I’ve been pretty horrible to Jeff before, but I’ve never said anything like that. I sit down and fiddle with my hair and try to shut out the whole thing—along with thoughts of Gabi and my friends and Dan. I’m still friends with them, aren’t I? It’s not like I’ve done anything to them. They just don’t know what I do at night.

Oh my God, I sound like a vampire.

I pick up my phone.

Can you pick me up? Probably put some clothes on or you’ll get arrested.

When I tell Mom I’m staying at Gabi’s, she looks really pleased. Jeff hasn’t told her about our fight yet, so I need to leave quickly. As I’m heading up the driveway, I can only hope that she waits for me to come back to yell at me and doesn’t call Gabi’s house when I don’t answer my cell phone.

I get to the end of my road and see the silver car.

A sort of release breaks over me. I don’t know what it is that’s driving me to keep going back. I feel like I’m chasing something, some mysterious sensation that I can’t even put into words—but I know it’s the exact opposite of daily life. Of routine. Of knowing that every day of summer that goes by is another step closer to school and everything that’s familiar.

I sit down. I’m laughing so much I can’t breathe. Dan, Gabi, Max, and I are in front of the monkey enclosure. We were doing voice-overs of the monkeys, and Max’s one kept getting screwed by the other ones. His outraged face is hilarious. Gabi is practically on the ground. She also has the loudest laugh known to man.