Is This Acid In My Applesauce? (2 page)

“Hello people,” Granddad grunted.

“Trampoleeeeen trampoleeeeen gahhhhhh!”

Granddad nodded in Curt's direction. “I think I smell hooch on that boy’s breath.”

“I’ll get right on that Dad,” Curt said, rolling his eyes.

“Curt my boy, I need to have a serious discussion with you,” Granddad continued. “Did you know the FBI has blueprints for a penis-shaped roller coaster that they don’t want you to know about?!”

During this exchange of pleasantries, Deb was reminding Theo that he could only play with the trampoline once he helped his grandparents unpack.

“Do you remember what I told you Theo?”

Theo frowned. “I dunno, put stuff away or something.”

His grandparents tried to cheer him up, but Theo’s pouty little scowl stayed put.
Your life is so hard, isn’t it?
Deb thought.
You’re a little white suburban boy living in a country where you can buy gluten free baby food. Get over it.

“I baked cupcakes ...” Grandma said.

Classic Granny move. Why didn’t I think of that?
Deb looked at Theo.

Poof, all smiles. Maybe parenting wasn’t that hard after all.

CHAPTER Three: THEO

While
a perfectly bouncy trampoline was waiting to be bounced on, Theo had to help his grandparents put all the stupid dishes in the stupid cupboard. Then he had to put all the stupid books on the stupid bookshelf. Nothing had ever been this boring, or stupid. Dumb stupid chores!

He couldn’t stand it anymore. He needed entertainment! Theo scanned the room. No roller coasters, no action figures, no submarines, no sandboxes, no pirate ships, no squirt guns, no regular guns, no robot sharks, no crayons, no nuthin! Just books and boxes and dad’s coat. Wait ... dad’s coat!

When no one was looking, Theo rifled through the coat pockets, hoping to find something cool to play with.

He grabbed the car keys and pretended he was Wolverine.

He grabbed his dad’s wallet and pretended he was an FBI detective.

He popped a gum wrapper into his mouth and pretended he was a cowboy chewin' tobakkee.

But Granddad put an end to his adventures and herded him back into the kitchen.

“What were you doing back there son?”

“Just saving the world and stuff.”

Granddad chuckled. “You were always a crazy kid. Do you still cry and wave goodbye to your poop when you flush it?”

“It’s cuz I’ll never see it again!”

“We played around too when I was your age. Marbles, kick the can, leap frog. Sometimes we’d shine a flashlight behind our fingers and if they glowed red it meant you were a DIRTY STINKIN COMMIE!”

Granddad wasn’t making any sense, but he kept on blabbering while Theo returned to book duty. Books! The one thing in the world you couldn’t have fun with. This was going to be a long, unbouncy day.

chaptEr four: curt & deb

While
a perfectly good Antiques Roadshow marathon was nearing an end, Curt and Deb had to carefully position each piece of furniture in the spot where it would, according to Curt’s mother, “offer the most protection against mudslides and zoo animal escapes” - two things which coincidentally had been on the news recently.