Is This Acid In My Applesauce? (3 page)

“Why isn’t your brother here?” Deb whispered to Curt. “We’d be done by now.”

“Tim is hosting what he likes to call a ‘spirit circle’ in his backyard sweat lodge. He said he would ‘be here in spirit’ and then laughed and hung up.”

“That doped up lunatic, of course he did. Well then where are the car keys? I think I left my phone in the cupholder.”

Translation:
I can’t stand your mother, I need some fresh air, and I’m considering faking my own death and starting a new life as a corn maze designer in Nebraska.
Curt could be paranoid at times.

“I bet Theo has the keys,” Deb said to herself. “He’s like a cat when it comes to jangly metal.”

“Again with the cat! LEMUR Deb.”

Deb went in search of her son and returned moments later with the keys and a small scrap of foil in her hand.

“Curt, what’s this? I found it in Theo’s pocket with the keys. A gum wrapper? He has a fructose intolerance Curt!”

“And yet you let him eat cupcakes,” Curt muttered. He fingered the bit of tinfoil curiously, then froze. “Oh balls.”

chaptEr five: tHeo

Theo
was sure Grandma had forgotten the sprinkles, but there it was, one little orange sprinkle right in the palm of his hand. It was so tiny and alone.

You never see just one sprinkle. One sprinkle is useless. It’s like only having one ball in a ball pit. Or just one wish from a genie.
He wondered what the magic number of sprinkles was.
20? 30? Oh gee ... 40? COULD IT BE 40 SPRINKLES?!
There was so much about the world he didn’t know, and sprinkle ratios were just the beginning.

                        WHAT WAS THE OPPOSITE OF A SANDWICH?

   COULD I JUST BITE INTO THE STRING CHEESE INSTEAD OF PEELING IT?

               IF I HAD TO POOP AND THEN TRAVELLED BACK IN TIME,

               WOULD I NOT HAVE TO POOP ANYMORE?

“Anyone home?” Granddad tapped Theo’s shoulder. “You day dreaming son?”

“Granddad I need to know about time travel pooping!”

Granddad got serious. “If you’re a time traveller, always make sure to bring a chain wallet so that no matter what year you’re in, people will know you mean business.”

Theo nodded solemnly.

“Now sober up boy! We’ve got some appliances to unload. There’s the coffee maker, the blender, the toaster, the I’ll-never-let-you-go-on-the-trampoline mixer, the rice cooker...”

That’s right, the trampoline! He had almost forgotten. Suddenly a terrifying thought occurred to him.

What if they never let me jump on it?

What if those cupcakes were made from murdered trampoline babies?

What if i can never grow a Sweet mustache?

He needed to see that trampoline, and he needed to see it now. Quietly, Theo backed out of the kitchen and was only halfway through the living room when he heard his parents approaching.
You guys might
play
hide-and-seek, but I
live
it
. And with that he dove under a pile of cardboard boxes.

chaptEr six: curt & deb

“shit.
How ... but ... oh god. Shit Deb, shit shit shitty shit shit SHIT!” Curt was pacing the room and starting to sweat.

“Shhhh!” Deb whispered. “Maybe it was sugarless.”

“No Deb you don’t get it.”

“Get what? What Curt!”

Curt was biting his nails, something he only did when he was reading horoscopes on the morning of a doctor’s appointment, or when he had a bunch of Cheeto dust on his fingers.

“This can’t be happening,” Curt said. “I
never
do anything this stupid. No seriously. I don’t text and drive, I won’t reach into the garbage disposal, I’ve never googled ‘analogy’ because it’s too close to ‘anal orgy' -"

“CURT TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!”

“Ok but the most important thing to remember Deb, above everything else, is that -”

“Everyone is ok?”

“-it technically isn’t my fault, could’ve happened to anyone really -”

“CURTIS!”

chaptEr seven: tHeo