It's Never Enough: Book 1 in the Never Series (7 page)

“Well, let’s at least hear your choices.”

I looked to Janet, who was exchanging uncomfortable glances with Fiona. Obviously, I was a deserted island here. All on my own. “Again, Dad, I don’t really know.” With my fork, I started separating the ingredients in my chicken pot pie. Carrots, peas, chicken, potato.

My dad let out a heavy sign. “It’s time to focus now, Mallory. Walking dogs for some TV personality guy is not going to be your future.”

I stared at the pool of sauce in the middle of my plate. “I never said it was.”

“Well, now it’s time to get serious. I want you to start school this September. There are plenty of good business schools around here.”

Business school?
Never once did I ever think of going to business school.

Janet cleared her throat. “Jack, maybe Mallory just isn’t interested in business school. There are plenty of other options for her.”

I looked at her with grateful eyes. Thanking her for trying, at least.

“Nonsense.” My dad downed the last of his drink. “I’m paying for business school because that’s the most logical degree for her. She can do anything with it. And she will.”

Even though I could hear him rambling on, I tuned him out. He and Janet were speaking back and forth, but it became more of a series of low versus high tones being muttered around me. The food on my plate seemed to taunt me, and my stomach twisted as I put a piece of chicken on my fork. Slowly, I took it up to my mouth and separated my lips wide. I removed the chicken from the fork with my teeth and began to chew in tiny motions. Then I placed one pea on my fork and repeated the same process, never letting the food touch my lips.

“What was that?” My dad’s voice was sharp and curt. “Why did you just do that?”

The force of his voice pulled me from my trance. “What?” I dropped my fork onto my plate. “What are you talking about?” Even Fiona’s eyes were wide at me. “What?” I said to her.

“You didn’t let the food touch your lips,” Fiona said. The look of concern from their eyes was weighty.

My dad leaned in towards me. “Mallory, do you need to talk to us about something?”

“What? No!” I snapped and pushed myself away from the table. I knew what was coming.

I could hear their footsteps behind me as I rushed towards the door.

“Mal, wait!” Fiona yelled.

“You find out what’s going on with her. I’m not going through this again,” my dad said.

“Jack, please, Fiona will talk to her,” I heard Janet say as I flung open the front door and dashed to the car.

I sat stoically in the passenger seat as Fiona buckled her seatbelt and started the engine.

After driving for about a mile she finally spoke. “So is there anything you need to tell me?” Her voice tread lightly like she was walking on a newly frozen pond at the start of winter.

Part of me was super hurt at the fact that she even thought I had something to admit, and part of me totally understood.

“No. I swear. I don’t know what happened. It was just an old habit. It didn’t mean anything. Really.” I rambled on thinking that the more I talked, the more she’d believe me.

“Okay,” she said with a nod of her head. “I believe you.”

Grateful, I let out a sigh. Suddenly, I wondered if
I
believed me.

CHAPTER SEVEN

“I promise it won’t be that bad,” Haley said to me as we stood in my bathroom. We’d just binged on a large pepperoni pizza, a pound of chocolate peanut butter cups, two bags of potato chips, and a pint of ice cream.

The binge started after she came to my house, pizza in hand—half of it gone already. She was complaining about her stepfather again. Granted, her stepfather was an asshole who treated her mom like crap, so she had plenty to complain about. I had been studying like crazy for my French exam, knowing that I was going to fail since I’d spent more time French kissing Marc Hoover than I had learning how to conjugate French verbs. Needless to say, I was happy for the break. And for the binge.

“Do we really have to go this far? I mean, why can’t we just work out for the next three hours or something?” I said to Haley, who was holding the bottle of ipecac syrup out to me.

She wiped some syrup from the corner of her mouth after taking a swig. “Because that’s not working anymore. I mean, it did for a while but now I’ve gained three and a half pounds. We’re going to have to move on to more drastic measures.” She looked at the bottle. “This stuff is supposed to make you throw up, like, really fast.” She put her hands to her stomach. “It’s starting to hurt.”

“Wow, that is fast.” My hands shook as I took the bottle from her.

Haley was the one who first told me about her binge and manic exercise routine. Once I tried it, I had to admit I liked it. I’d always had a sort of messed up relationship with food. For some reason, I couldn’t have just one bite of cake; I’d want the whole cake. Never just one or two slices of pizza, but the whole pie. So I avoided all the foods I wanted to gorge on. Better safe than sorry. But the desire always seemed to be brewing in the background. Then Haley told me how I could pig out all I wanted and then just exercise like a freak for three hours. The system was perfect. Well sort of. It allowed me to control myself. It allowed me control, period, and I liked that. The feeling of being able to do whatever I wanted without repercussions was a high I’d never felt before. Having my best friend doing it with me only added to the high. We’d been doing it for months. But we were crossing into a different realm. The binge-and-purge realm. It was scary. Really scary.

“Oh, God. Here it comes,” Haley said before her body lurched over the toilet bowl and she began to vomit. I held her blonde hair back as she puked. When she was finished, she splashed some water on her face and rinsed her mouth out with mouthwash. “Okay, your turn,” she said to me with a supportive smile on her face.

My stomach was bloated and in so much pain from all the food we’d eaten. I wanted to get rid of it. I really did. But I wasn’t sure if this was the right way Maybe I could just stop. Maybe I could learn never to binge again. I’d develop a system. I could get it all under control.

“You’d better hurry up before you start digesting that shit,” Haley said, pushing the bottle of ipecac closer to my mouth.

With my eyes closed, I took a shot of the vile stuff. A mixture of fear, anxiety, pain, and heat swirled in my stomach like a whirlpool. Within a minute, I was hurling more shit than I thought I even had in me into the toilet while Haley held my hair back.

She handed me a cool, wet face cloth. “See, that wasn’t so bad, right?”

“Sure,” I said. My voice and hands shook. “Not so bad.”

She wrapped her arms around me in a big bear hug. “You’re the best friend a girl could ever have.”

For how shitty I felt, her words and her hug made me feel better.

***

The progression happened quickly. Soon after Haley’s stepdad beat her mom for the first time. That’s when she changed. She no longer wanted to binge and purge. She no longer wanted to eat, anything, ever. She dropped down to ninety-seven pounds in two months. While she was disappearing, I was binging and purging over my fear of what was happening to her. I couldn’t eat normally. Every thought I had was about food. I didn’t want to lose her but I didn’t know how to stop her either.

“Don’t let the food touch your lips,” she said.

I was at her house and her mom had made a birthday dinner for her. Mrs. Emerson ignored the truth that was right in front of her. That her daughter was anorexic. She’d found ways to hide how bad she really was. The baggy clothing. Hiding food in her napkins. She had lots of little tricks.

“She’ll be watching to see me eat. So I have to. But it will be the smallest amount I can. And it’s super important to not let the food touch your lips.” She was putting on extra makeup to hide the dark circles under her eyes.

“Why?”

“It just is!” she snapped.

I nodded my head and would do what she asked. I didn’t want to lose her. Only eventually I would.

CHAPTER EIGHT

“There you go my dear,” Eliza said as she handed me my iced French vanilla coffee.

“Thanks,” I said while admiring her makeup today—dark smoky blue eyelids with orchid lip gloss drenched in glitter.

I turned to meet Devin’s smile. “We have a problem.” His voice was as serious as a tsunami.

“What is it?” Never say those words unless you want to hear my heartbeat overtake all other sounds in the room.

Devin pointed to my self-designated spot “Look.”

When I turned, I saw that someone had the nerve to be sitting in my booth. “You’re kidding me!” I made a sarcastic huff like a territorial poodle.

“Shall I inform them of the error of their ways, or just kick their ass?” he joked.

The woman sitting there working on her knitting as she sipped tea—probably decaf—didn’t seem to need an ass kicking; a pacemaker maybe, but definitely not an ass kicking. “She’s lucky I’m in a good mood.”

“You are?” Devin draped an arm around me.

“More so all the time.” I tilted my head to him, and he bent down to lay his soft, warm lips on mine.

It had been two days since I’d seen him. He worked a few twelve-hour days with his uncle, who was a contractor, doing sheet rock work on some houses his uncle was renovating to rent out. In the fall, Devin had a full-time job lined up at some big electronics company in the IT department. But for the summer, he was just doing odds and ends when his uncle needed help.

I scanned Perked for another place to sit, but all I could find were some open tables. “We might have to be fish in an aquarium today.”

Devin shifted his weight from side to side as his eyes darted around the room. It seemed like he was just scoping out the place, only his face looked serious and intense.

“Or we could just hover near a booth if that’d make you more comfortable,” I said, noticing his shoulders were raised and tense.

“What? No, ah, how about we just go for a walk or something.” He placed his hand on my lower back and guided me out the front door before I had a chance to answer. “The open air feels good doesn’t it?” he said once we were walking.

“Yeah, it’s not too hot this afternoon.” Unsure what spooked him back at Perked, I became self-conscious of what to say or what to do, so I just quietly sipped my coffee as we walked hand in hand.

We came to a park, and I let Devin guide me to a large tree. When we sat down and leaned our backs against it, we could see almost all around us. We sipped our coffee, and my hand rested in his as we sat quietly together. It was nice. He traced tiny shapes with his thumb along the back of my hand. Circles, squares, hearts. Even though the moment was quiet, I could still feel some tense energy coming off of him, and I wasn’t sure what it was, but it made my stomach curl into itself hoping it wasn’t me.

There were quite a few people in the park. I loved the older couples who sat on a bench and fed the birds or just sat holding hands and staring out into the world. There were some families with young children. A few moms were over by the playground area with their little ones. The toddlers rejoiced in the sandbox, flicking and throwing sand, while their moms caught up with each other, most likely the only other adult contact they’d have all day until their husbands came home. There was one dad pushing his little one on the baby swing. The little boy giggled with delight as he was pushed up a little bit higher each time. It made me think about my dad. Would he be at the park with my little half-brother or half-sister? Would Janet become part of a mom’s club and meet up with the other local moms at the park? I couldn’t picture it. First off, they’d both be the oldest parents around. Not that they were ancient, but they weren’t in their early thirties either. Janet had a good job working as a physical therapist. There was no way she was going to leave that to stay home full-time. She didn’t even stay home full-time when Fiona was growing up. So my little brother or sister was bound to be stuck in daycare from the age of three months on until the kid was old enough to go to school. Then they’d have to set up some before- and after-school program so the kid could be taken care of while my dad and Janet worked all day. Maybe I could take care of him or her. Kind of like a nanny. Before I found the job working for Casper, I had seen lots of ads online of people looking for full-time nannies. I wonder how much they’d pay me? I mean, they’d have to pay me. I’d be doing it as my full-time job, not as a favor or anything. Then maybe my dad would lay off me about college. It was a possibility. I could always look into going to school online, or part-time at night, to appease him. The security of me staying with the baby was sure to be a positive that would make them consider it. I made a mental note to talk to them about it the next time we had dinner together. The plan just might give me the breathing room I needed. If only they’d go along with it.

Devin and I left the park and browsed around the bookstore. Been There Read That was the one small bookstore left in our town, and they were hurting for business. The large chains and the online retailers were totally driving them on their way to closing their doors. The shop had added a small coffee area—basically a small corner table with one of those single serve coffee makers—and added events like an open-mic night. I loved all the little displays they created, such as theme tables that housed all the great books from each genre. Devin and I had separated as I gravitated towards the contemporary fiction section—I was a sucker for drama and romance. After writing down six new titles I wanted to purchase, I found my way to him. His energy was like a beacon guiding me. He was at a display table filled with astrology books.

“Are you into astrology?” I asked while picking up a copy of
Stars, Signs, and Sex
.

He looked up from the book he was holding. “I wouldn’t say I’m
into
it. I’m not checking my horoscope every day, but I think it’s interesting.” He flipped a page. “Check this out.” He moved closer to me. “This page tells you your love combinations. You know like what signs are compatible.”

“So there is some validity to the ‘what’s your sign’ line?” I cuddled up next to him, absorbing his energy.

He leaned into me, cocked an eyebrow, and said, “Hey baby, what’s your sign?”

“Don’t ever do that again.”

“Wow, apparently there was a reason why my ex and I didn’t get along,” he said after reading something. “This says I’m pretty much incompatible with everyone.” He continued to scan the page. “Oh wait, Aries and I make a perfect match. Well that’s simple enough then. Twelve astrological signs out there, and I’m only compatible with Aries.” He shook his head.

I bit my bottom lip. “I’m an Aries.”

Devin’s eyes rested on the book for a moment, and then a wide grin washed over his face as he slammed the book shut. “Okay, time to check out,” he said as he took me by the hand, and we waited in line to pay for the book that just told us we were meant to be together.

After leaving the bookstore, we headed back to my apartment. It was an hour before I had to walk the dogs. “So we can just watch some TV if you want.” I said after handing him a soda.

“As long as you’re sitting next to me, it’s all good.”

Heat colored my cheeks. “Well, do you want to walk the dogs with me again? You can walk next to me then.” My body couldn’t help but be pulled to his as I cuddled next to him.

“Sounds good, but you take Vixen. I think she has a crush on me.”

I placed my chin on his shoulder. “She’s not the only one.”

He placed his hand under my chin and raised it slightly. Then his lips came down onto mine. Warm and moist, our mouths hungrily explored each other. As his tongue swirled around mine and his breath intensified, I moved my body on top of his so I was straddling him. His hands found my ass and he pushed my lower body against his. Soft moans escaped my body as he moved his mouth to my neck and the exposed cleavage that peeked out of my V-neck shirt. He kissed and licked the tops of my breasts as I tugged the V-neck even lower giving him flesh to explore. My body temperature spiked and I wanted to rip all my clothes off.

“Wait, Fiona might come home,” I managed to say in between husky breaths.

Devin slowed the pace of his kisses on my neck. “We’ll tell her to look away.”

My nose crinkled up from my quiet smile as his tongue flicked my earlobe. “Come on, we have to get off the couch.” I peeled my body off his and took him by the hands. Walking backwards I led him to my bedroom. “This way I won’t be thinking about her walking in on us, and I can concentrate more on your mouth,” I said before kissing him in my open doorway.

“True,” he said in between kisses.

His steps seemed hesitant as I pulled him towards my large Papasan chair in the corner of my room. Somehow, the bed seemed too dangerous, but the chair seemed safe. Safer anyway. We curled up in the chair together. As I kissed his neck and shoulders, I could feel tension moving through his body. It was strong enough that it made me stop. “Everything okay?” I ran my hand over his hair and saw his eyes dart around the room. One of my hands was on his chest and I could feel his heart rate skyrocketing.

“What? Yeah, sure, I’m fine.” He leaned into my neck and kissed me rapidly.

Was he still concerned about Fiona coming home? “Hold on one second,” I said while shifting out of the chair to close my bedroom door. Maybe that was it. Fiona could still see into my room with the door open, so now we were assured privacy. That would make Devin feel more comfortable. Only after shutting the door and turning back, I saw Devin now standing near the chair rubbing his palms down the front of his thighs. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just—” his eyes darted around the room again. From one wall to another and then back to the closed door.

“Devin?” I stepped lightly toward him.

He moved past me and flung open the door, which caused a burst of cool air to blast against my warm skin. He moved out of my room and to the front door. “Devin?” I called after him.

His hand was on the doorknob, and he was looking at the floor. “I’m sorry, Mallory. I totally forgot I promised my mom I’d help her with Kyle this afternoon.” His grip tightened on the doorknob.

“Oh, okay. Well, that’s okay.” I rubbed the goose bumps on my arms.

Without looking at me, he leaned over and kissed my cheek. “I’m sorry. I’ll call you later.” He twisted the doorknob and bolted over the threshold as if my apartment was pooling with lava.

Chilled and confused, I stood there listening to his footsteps, heavy and quick, exit down the hall. I shut the front door, turned the oven on, and grabbed all the ingredients I needed to make cinnamon rolls.