Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice Sequel Bundle: 3 Reader Favorites (74 page)

“They stole Lizzy, Jane! And Darcy killed them for it! Is that not the most dramatic
and romantic doing you could ever fathom? And our own sister!” she nearly screeched that exclamation, but lowered her voice conspiratorially as she turned back to Elizabeth, “Lizzy, were you defiled? You are so lucky!”

Well. It had taken ever so long a time, but the story had finally made its way the length and breadth of England and thus unto her sister’s eager ears. Elizabeth was grateful that Lydia had been struck with an unlikely attack of good judgement and had not told their parents. But as it had been quite some time since anyone dared to speak of it in her presence, she was in a quandary what notion of Lydia’s to quash first. That there were bandits (indeed), manslaughter (undeniably), that it was dramatic (regrettably), romantic (not at all), and that she was lucky (hardly). Elizabeth was almost moved to apologise to Lydia that she was not violated.

Howbeit Elizabeth silently blessed Bingley’s discretion, she realised that it was no longer germane. In light of the terrified look upon Jane’s countenance, Elizabeth worried she might swoon even then. Had she heard it direct of its occurrence, Jane might not have recovered. However impregnable Lydia’s hyperbole appeared, she knew she must convince Jane it was not quite as horrifying as it sounded.

“Lydia, being accosted by thieves is frightening, not romantic. Only fables name it thus. I was not defiled and I shall not discuss it with you beyond that. If you continue to press the matter, I shall vacate the room.”

Lydia bestowed her a profound look of disgust.

“I merely want to ascertain the particulars, Lizzy. Wickham boasted that he knew all, but he did not. Do tell!”

This beseechment was denied. In defiance of her sister’s prying, Elizabeth stood and folded her arms. In response to her implacability, Lydia instituted a lengthy and grating whine, one that she accentuated with a petulant a stamp of her foot.

“Lizz-e-e-e, you are so-o-o-o selfish! Can you not even share such an exploit with your own sisters?”

This tactic unfruitful, Lydia embarked upon an alternative, “It is my understanding Darcy behaved valiantly in saving you. Thus, it is not as if there was cowardice to shield. Darcy was heroic, was he not? You must tell all!”

The oblique strategy revealed that years of practise had refined Lydia’s inveiglement skills. Elizabeth, however, was still disinclined to respond. Her husband’s heroism was beyond any telling. Particularly to her present company. Moreover, Lydia’s abuse of familiarity bade Elizabeth suffer an attack of sanctimony unrecollected of herself.

Hence, rather sniffily, Elizabeth corrected her, “
Mister
Darcy did only what he had to do, Lydia, no more.”

Still snagged in the drama of Elizabeth’s long past kidnapping, Jane interrupted them both, “Pray Lizzy, why did you not speak of this to me!”

“There was nothing I chose to relate, Jane. ’Tis done. It is long over. If only others will let it be.”

Pointedly, her eyes rested upon Lydia.

“You, Lizzy, think of no one but yourself,” Lydia pouted again. “As extraordinary a story as that and you refuse to share it. What can I do but enjoy another’s adventures? I, who have nothing. Only Wickham. Not once has he rescued me. He is utterly worthless.”

With her lower lip protruding significantly, Lydia sat in a disgusted heap. Jane stood, thoroughly aghast and categorically appalled at all that she had heard. To suffer learning that highwaymen had beset dearest Lizzy only to be subjected to hearing Lydia casting aspersion upon the father of her children made her feel faint.

Swooning, however, was out of the question. If Wickham’s character was indefensible, Lydia’s defamation still had to be protested.

“Lydia! How can you speak so contemptuously of your own husband?”

Elizabeth nodded in agreement. Albeit she thought quite contemptuously of the wastrel Wickham, even she was appalled to hear such unadulterated disparagement from his wife.

Lydia responded to them both with a snort, “Well of course, you, sisters, have greater reason to amuse your husbands than I do Wickham. If he were in the circumstance of Mr. Darcy or Mr. Bingley, I dare say I could find him more affection. As it is, Wickham is poor and cannot even diddle long enough for me to come, so what good is he as a husband?”

Agape yet over Lydia’s ridicule of her husband, it was clear Jane’s sensibilities were further sullied upon her uttering the word “diddle.”Hitherto, Elizabeth would have been in concern for Jane’s discombobulation. But in that it otherwise spared the conversation her dear sister’s enquiry as to whither Lydia journeyed during coition, she fretted not.

Jane was diverted from that query by ascertaining just which of Lydia’s indignities demanded reproach first. Unable to come to a decision, she used a non-specific, all-purpose announcement.

“Lydia, I am shocked!”

Lydia rolled her eyes. Thereupon, she continued to enumerate Wickham’s short-comings.

“Be not astonished, Jane. Wickham does not deserve your sympathy. He has lifted more skirts than…” She searched a moment for an example, “…Casanova! And I for one say good riddance. When he is at home he wheedles me into submitting to him, then cannot remember to withdraw. He leaves me high in the belly, then takes his foul weapon elsewhere.”

Jane firmly believed that all God’s creatures were fundamentally good, howbeit it had been a particularly demanding search to find a redeeming quality belonging to Wickham. He had proven himself unreliable, duplicitous, and vain. In absence of any obvious virtue, Jane had fancied him at least an ardent husband. Thus, it was particularly difficult for her to encounter the dual revelation that not only was he unfaithful, he was absent-minded as well.

Elizabeth, however, had long concluded that Wickham was nothing less than a simpering Lothario. Therefore, she was not particularly astounded to learn he was guilty of gross marital misconduct. Ergo, it was not difficult to find sympathy for someone who had partaken her wedding vows with him. Even if she was a twit.

Thus, Elizabeth patted Lydia’s hand, whilst saying, “Perchance you are mistaken. You have children. A husband would not forsake his family thusly.”

Other than shopping, self-pity was Lydia’s favourite pastime. Thus, it was seldom necessary to coax it from her. Moreover, she often found consolation (if not out-right delight) in shared misery.

Lydia grimaced, “Open your eyes, Lizzy, all men stray. ’Tis their nature.”

Thereupon, she sighed with exaggerated resignation. Elizabeth was not of a mind to carry the marital standard of fidelity upon behalf of all husbands, but she felt compelled to disabuse Lydia of the notion that every husband cavorted outside marriage.

“Condemning all husbands because you believe Wickham has caroused about is ill-considered.”

“’Tis not! Look about you, Lizzy. Men get their oats when and where they can and marriage is no impediment. They are beasts once they get the scent. Some more relentless than others. Be not smug. You may believe your husband constant, but I have heard those dogs howl outside your door. His blood is hot.”

At this obscure reference, Jane looked baffled. So confused did she look, Lydia felt it necessary to aside an explanation, “He is at her night and day, Jane.”

As Elizabeth sat in open-mouthed fury, Lydia obliviously continued her harangue.

“I too obliged Wickham regularly. Yet he forsook me. Think of it, Lizzy. If a man who has nothing but his charms to promote him can find willing arms, what of a man as rich as Darcy? Unquestionably, wanton wenches fling themselves at his feet…”

With all due restraint (she did not coldcock her with a girandole), Elizabeth spluttered briefly. Then, voice escalating, she said, “Is there no limit to your slander? Do not defame my husband as a blackguard by virtue of Wickham’s sins!”

Realising she had over-stepped a rather strict boundary, Lydia regrouped and then cajoled, “Oh, Lizzy, true, I know not of your husband, I only conjecture. But if our mother says our own father did not stay faithful to their marriage, how can we fancy our own husbands would do better?”

“Mama could never have said such a thing!”

Knowing she then had the whip-hand, Lydia inspected her nails whilst saying, “She did. Ask her.”

Elizabeth and Jane both sat in dumbfounded confoundment. Their silence bid Lydia to suspect victory and take her leave. In fortune, for Elizabeth was still in a barely contained rage. The double affront first to defame Darcy, then their father, was beyond reprehensible. It was unforgivable.

Finally, her face possibly the colour of stewed beets, Elizabeth spit out, “I cannot believe even Lydia would speak so…”

Words failed her. Born of unequivocal ignorance, Lydia’s comments about Darcy, though despised, could be dismissed. Hence Elizabeth’s wrath toward Lydia descended upon and engulfed her defamation of their father. She knew that he was not of a disposition to seek comfort in any of those pleasures that too often console those disappointed by conjugal infelicity.

“How could she repeat such a thing, Jane? How could our mother tell her such a thing? There is no finer man anywhere, no better husband, no better father!”

Jane sat quite still for a moment before agreeing, “I cannot bear to hear him labelled a philanderer either, Lizzy.”

“Libelled, you mean,” responded Elizabeth.

Ignoring the clarification, Jane hesitated a moment, then added, “But as dearly as we hold Papa, we had daily proof that our parents’ marriage was not a happy one. Moreover, as I sit here I wonder why our mother would have told such a fiction to Lydia—it would lend her no service as a wife.”

It was Elizabeth’s considered opinion that their mother was capable of uttering such a blasphemy simply to reassure Lydia that Wickham’s betrayal was not her fault. Nevertheless, she did not say so to Jane. She simply shook her head in denial of Lydia’s allegations and vowed not to think of it again.

Upon the trip home, Jane sat napping upright, thereupon giving Elizabeth time to ponder her father’s fidelity. The possibility that it was compromised was far too painful; hence, she thought of it no more.

D
arcy weathered his auricular plight with considerable ill-humour. Silence would have been vexation enough, but his injury instituted a profound ringing noise that drove him to distraction. Hence, an eminent auditory specialist was called from Edinburgh to see to his malady. Had not Sir Malcolm MacFarqhuar been knighted by King George himself, Darcy might have refused his counsel. Nevertheless, he harrumphed at the notion of being seen by any other than an English physician.

Darcy’s Anglophilia well-entrenched, Sir MacFarqhuar’s person did little to placate it. For howbeit he arrived at Pemberley with all due haste, his russet beard, pleated kilt, and melodious burr were a profound reminder from whence he came. Already agitated at the repeated prodding of his ears, Darcy did not suffer the Scot with forbearance.

Not only did he despise being inspected, the infliction of the sight of the doctor’s hairy knees did nothing to becalm him. But as the doctor was quite efficient and not particularly wordy, he suffered his examination in peevish silence.

Elizabeth stood by her husband witnessing his dour countenance and issuing just enough commiseration to keep his temper at bay. After an extensive consultation with an odd assortment of peculiar instruments, the prestigious doctor made his diagnosis.

“Mr. Darcy shall regain his hearing,” he pronounced. Then cautioned, “Although his eardrums are not ruptured, they are severely inflamed. It is a precarious situation. Another assault upon them might render him permanently deaf.”

Because of his deafness, this warning was issued to Mrs. Darcy, whose own countenance did not belie her alarm at such an ominous declaration. With studied patience (and an annoyed expression) Darcy awaited whilst his dismayed wife wrote the doctor’s judgement out and handed the paper to him. Upon reading it, he seemed little concerned beyond the eminent physician’s suggestion of the use of an ear trumpet. (“My great-aunt!” Mr. Darcy had responded indignantly, and those present took this as a negative.) The possibility of auricular foredoom was of no particular consequence to one who is both pragmatic and not easily unnerved.

Such insouciance is seldom the reaction of a loved one, however stout-hearted. Elizabeth was unnerved, and she cared little who knew it.

Not wanting to unduly distress illustrious Mr. Darcy’s illustrious wife, the doctor attempted to mollify his diagnosis thusly, “It is true Mr. Darcy’s hearing has suffered grievously and Aye fear that another loud noise might take it from him permanently. But that is unlikely. Aye understand that poor Mr. Collins is newly departed?”

The nature of the accident and culprit responsible had obviously been explained to the doctor.

It was indisputable that few who walked the earth could have rivalled her cousin’s ineptitude, but the doctor regretted his small slander against kin of the Darcys as soon as he realised he had committed it. He announced he understood his
faux pas
in a fit of coughing.

Amused, for Sir MacFarqhuar had revealed himself a ceaseless toadeater (not even close in rank to the Vicar Collins, but then no one was), Elizabeth answered his question with deliberate obtuseness.