Jase (28 page)

He finally pulled away, propping his arm on the wall beside her head and resting his forehead against his wrist. Breathlessly, he said her name. His other hand wrapped around her waist, palm cupping the curve of her hip, pressing against her skin where he slipped his fingers
into
the top edge of her jeans.

DeeDee stood still, framed between the heat of his body and the
cool
plaster of the wall. She kept her eyes closed, not wanting to see if there was disappointment and regret on his face. She had been afraid all along that when he realized how things were—when they were finally over, with no hope of reunion—it would hurt, and she had been right.

He didn’t move or speak, and tears slowly slipped from underneath her lashes, trailing down her cheeks as she bit back a sob. It was happening now, here. This was it. This was when he listened to her and ceased his hopeless pursuit.
This was the moment when she accepted he was well and truly no longer hers—and she knew, had known all along this would destroy her. Like the night in the parking lot after the game, the pain rested heavily on her chest.

“Look at me,” he whispered, and she physically rejected the notion, jerking her head side-to-side. She couldn’t do this…did
n’t
want to see. “Baby,” he said, his hand clenching on her hip. “Look at me, please.” The feather light touch of a kiss fell on one corner of her mouth and she was suddenly confused.
This doesn’t feel like goodbye,
she thought.
Why is he kissing me again?
Another kiss, followed by a repeat of the plea, “Baby, please look at me. Open your eyes and
see
me.”

Clamping her lips together to still the trembling, she opened her eyes, looking at him through her tear-spiked lashes, her hands pressing flat against the wall behind her, holding her steady. “DeeDee,” he breathed her name. “Baby, tell me you want me.”

Startled, she stood silently, watching while he leaned closer, kissing her gently with eyes wide open, looking at her. “Tell me I’m not alone,” he whispered against her lips. “Don’t leave me alone,” he pleaded, kissing her again. “Touch me, baby. God,
please
touch me. Show me you still want me…us.”

Curling her hands around his hips, she ran her hands up his back slowly, reverently brushing her palms against the shirt as it molded to his ribs. “Jase, of
course,
I still want you,” she said, and he pulled back, moving slightly away.

“There’s no ‘of course’ here, baby,” he said, looking down into her face. “You walked away from me, from this…from
what we
were building. Am I the only one feeling like I’m ripped wide open? You walked away, and now I don’t know what’s going on in that pretty head of yours, but I’m scared...I’m lost. You turned us off, walked away. There’s no ‘of course’ here.”

“I didn’t turn anything off,” she protested, frowning. “I couldn’t. I still care for you...still want you. But, Jase, sometimes things just aren’t meant to be.” She closed her eyes and then opened them again, swallowing as tears streamed down her cheeks, looking at him.

He shook his head. “I don’t understand. If you still care…want us…then why would you walk away?”

“It’
s difficult to explain
,” she lied, cutting her eyes down to avoid looking into his face.

He threaded his fingers through
hers
and stepped
backwards
, pulling her with him to the bed. “Come here.”
Tugging
her close, he sat her on his lap, letting her lean against his chest. She snuggled her face into the crook of his neck and breathed him in deep. His voice
was echoing,
her ear on his chest picking up the vibrations as he said, “Talk to me, baby. Help me understand.”

“You have to let me talk,” she said, holding her breath as he nodded. If he argued with her, she would never be able to tell him, and he deserved to understand how this was better for him.

“I spent—” She paused, that wasn’t right.

Beginning again, she said, “There were some days—”

She paused once more, then shrugging, said, “When you find—”

Pressing her face against his chest, she sighed in frustration. “I had this all worked out in my head. For weeks, I’ve had this conversation in my head and everything made sense. Now you’re holding me, and nothing makes sense. Nothing seems like a good enough reason, Jase. I don’t know how to say what I need to.”

“Start at the beginning,” he whispered. “Tell me what happened between me rolling out of your bed for a road trip, and three days later when you wouldn’t take my calls. Help me understand.”

“Twenty-two years. That happened. That’s the difference in our ages. You’re thirty, and I’m fifty-two, Jase. I realized it’s more than I thought.” She wrapped one hand around his wrist, where he held her waist.

“Baby, it’s always been twenty-two, and you know it’s never been an issue. We talked about this. What happened? What made you change your thinking?” He was tense as he asked the questions.

“I was talking to Maggie, Bear’s mom. She laughed and
talked
about him still being like a kid, and one day, I realized he’s older than you
are,
while she and I are nearly the same age.” She shrugged.

“Hold on. She’s not much behind Tug; Maggie has to be several years older than you are. What exactly did she say that put you on
edge
?” He sounded frustrated and she didn’t blame him. He had reassured her repeatedly that age was only a number, and not once had he made her feel like the difference in years was the problem for him it clearly was for her.

“It wasn’t anything she meant to say. We were sitting
in
the hospital with Ruby, and someone started a round of ‘where were you when’, just reminiscing. We went
through
significant
dates like the Oklahoma City bombing in ’95, 9/11, things like that. Then she asked where I was in 1976, the bi-centennial. I was fourteen and still lived at home in Kentucky. Turns
out,
that’s the year Bear was born.”

“Then someone mentioned that Mica was born in ‘84 and I realized you two were the same age. Once I started doing the math, I couldn’t stop. I moved to Fort Wayne in ‘78, so Winger and I had already been together for six years when you were born. I literally could be your mother. Hell, Mason is ten years younger than I am. I remember when he was born. I wiped that man’s snotty nose, and he was twelve when you were born.”

“Jase, baby, watching Bear and Eddie, I realized you should be with someone you can discover life with, not someone who’s already been there, done that. Someone you can build a life alongside, without worrying about having to take care of them in twenty or thirty years.” Her shoulders hitched with an unvoiced sob.

“You deserve to be with someone who can give you a family, someone you can be proud to take home and introduce to your parents, your brothers, and your friends. You deserve so much more than I can offer. I knew you wouldn’t listen, so I made you a way out, a chance to discover someone better suited.” Her body shook with the strain of holding back her tears.

“Are you done?” he asked quietly after they sat through a long, silent pause. He had been tightening underneath her as she
spoke,
and was now nearly vibrating with some emotion she couldn’t define. She nodded, feeling the heat of his chest on her cheek.

“Okay.” He paused, taking a deep breath. “First off, I didn’t want a way out. I never asked for a way out. I’ve been trying for months to find a way back in. I want back in, baby.”

His thighs tensed underneath her legs and his arms contracted around her, his body reacting to what he was saying. “Second, and I’ve told you this before, but it must not be sinking in. I don’t want kids. I never have. I don’t have any kind of pull to have baby Jases running around. My brothers have had plenty of
offspring
to carry on the family name, but I have no desire to follow along. I like kids, love ‘em. Don’t mind being around ‘em. I like teaching them, being a mentor, but I don’t need to have my own.

“Third, it would be my great pleasure to take care of you for the rest of my life. Not a worry, not
a bother
, never a burden—an honor. It would be my privilege, baby.” She shifted slightly and his arms tightened again. “Shhhh. Just listen, please.

“Fourth, I
am
proud of you. I’d love nothing more than to take you to Red Deer right now,
tonight,
so I can introduce you to my folks. Anywhere, everywhere…I am
proud
to have you on my arm, standing beside me…proud for people to see me with you. I want you, and I don’t care who knows it, eh?

“Fifth, the age difference does not matter to me at all. I get that it is a big deal for you, something I’ve tried to understand, but it’s hard, because it’s not even on my radar. DeeDee, months ago, when you finally let me in, I didn’t communicate well enough how I feel about you. I think I was afraid of pushing you away, but that happened anyway, and I never got the chance to tell you.”

He kissed the top of her head, then her temple, wrapping himself around her as she balanced on his lap. “I think about you all the time. I wake up from dreams of you—of us. I’ve never dreamed
of
anyone before you. I need you, baby. You are all I need, just you.”

He kissed her again, his hand trailing up her side from where it had been resting on her hip. “Everything about you thrills me, makes me excited. Top of the mountain.
Je t’aime
, baby.
I love you.
” She stopped breathing at those words.

“More than I can say, more than I can explain. You are it for
me. E
verything, baby, you are everything. I let you walk away twice now, but you never left my heart. I’ve loved you nearly since I met you, and every time we’re together, it grows deeper and stronger. I want you. I love you. I need your light in my days, and I can’t let you go, baby. I can’t. Not and keep breathing. You belong with me. Let me stay where I belong.”

They sat there in silence for a long time after he finished speaking, listening as Ruby and Slate moved around in the other rooms of the condo. He had been so eloquent; she didn’t know what to say in response after he so effortlessly negated her argument. His pain had been communicated in tone and words, and she hated that she hurt them both in what seemed now like a misguided effort to do right by him.

She had a thousand questions. What would his parents honestly think about him dating a woman twenty-two years his senior? Would his friends think her a monster, someone taking advantage of him? A cougar? What would his brothers and sister think? Could she face them?
Okay, looks more like five questions.

As her thoughts calmed, winding down, she realized her fears were all about the opinions of his family and friends, which for her were the unknown pieces of the equation. If he was confident, then she needed to trust that he would be okay with their reactions. She already knew everyone important in her life was okay with this relationship. Actually, they were not only okay with
it,
but had actively encouraged things. Just look at what Slate and Ruby had done today.

None of her family or friends believed the age difference was a barrier; none of them saw anything other than two people who loved each other.
I love him
, she suddenly thought, smiling against his chest. She registered movement under her hands, realizing that while she was thinking, he had begun to shudder irregularly.

Looking up, she saw tear tracks on his face, his eyes clenched tightly closed. He licked his lips and told her in a raspy voice thick with emotion, “Just give me a minute. I’ll let you go. One minute more, okay?”

“Don’t let me go,” she said, pulling his head down to kiss him as his eyes flew open wide. “I’ve been a fool. Jase, you’re not alone. I love you.”

***

DeeDee smiled to herself as she ran her fingertips across her
still swollen
lips, remembering how this morning Jase had come back again and again for a series of goodbye kisses before he finally left for practice. He couldn’t seem to get enough of her kisses and body, and she reveled in the attention and love he showered on her.

Yesterday, it had been hours before they had surfaced from the bedroom to find Slate and Ruby had finished the move and left them alone. The only
boxes remaining to be unpacked
were labeled ‘bedroom’ and stood neatly stacked in the hallway outside her door. Jase’s truck was locked in the driveway, and the keys laid on the dining room table.

In the kitchen, DeeDee had made a plate of food while Jase distracted her, hugging her from behind and dropping
butterfly-soft
kisses on her neck and shoulders. Laughing, he grabbed bottles of water and followed her back into the bedroom, where they shared kisses while feeding each other, nibbling on fingertips and lips.

When they finally slept, his arm stayed wrapped possessively around her waist
;
even in his sleep, he tugged her back against his side every time she moved. She had woken this morning to his fingers stroking her slowly while he eased her into the day with a sensual touch, bringing her to a shuddering, lingering orgasm in minutes. Lying close beside her, he dragged his fingertips across her ribs and belly, caressing her breasts as she shivered, drifting back down from the heights to which he had driven her.

Once she was coherent again, he leaned in and kissed her deeply, moving to lie between her thighs, her hips cradling him. “DeeDee,” he said, reaching
between
them to line himself up with her opening. He paused on the brink of entering her and she opened her eyes, looking up at him. “I love you.” Sliding deeply into her with one long, slow stroke, his eyes held hers and she felt incredibly desired, wanted…cherished by him as they made love.

***

“So what did you guys finally decide to name the rugrat?” Jase balanced the phone on his shoulder as he threw clothes into a bag. Tridents had a short out-and-back road trip to Wheeling, so he would be packing light. On the phone, he heard a short, sharp cry that sounded like a very pissed-off cat, followed by noises in the background. “You didn’t go with Jason Mason, did you? Mason was right, that really does sound like a serial killer’s name.”