Jesus Lied - He Was Only Human: Debunking the New Testament (22 page)
Read Jesus Lied - He Was Only Human: Debunking the New Testament Online
Authors: CJ Werleman
“Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hands where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know...”
“Father!” Screams Jesus.
“Pinocchio!” yells the old man.
There is little doubt that the narrative of the resurrection highlights the contradictions between the four Gospels better than any other plot line from the New Testament. There are numerous events and occurrences that take place in these passages that are central, and so important to the message and theology of Christianity, but the Gospels have radically different accounts for what happened. Moreover, of all the events that transpire, the four Gospels only agree on two events:
1. That on the third day after Jesus’ crucifixion and burial, Jesus’ tomb is found empty.
2. Mary Magdalene is one of those that discover the empty tomb.
On just about every other component of the narrative, the Gospels disagree as to what transpired, and often irreconcilably so. This must trouble those with even the deepest sense of faith. Of greater concern though, is the fact that scholars agree the most reliable gospel to be Mark’s, and his gospel does not include mention of the virgin birth nor the resurrection. The final words of Mark’s gospel are:
“
Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.” (Mark 16:8)
If you were to have read Mark’s account of Jesus’ death in the first, second, third, or even fourth century then you would know only that Jesus was crucified, buried in a tomb, and three days later his body went missing. The end. This is pretty important because it is easy to conclude that some opportunistic scoundrel found a new tomb and raided it and couldn’t get Jesus’ wedding ring off, so the grave robber took the body! Too much CSI?
Matthew and Luke add the resurrection narrative years after Mark, and then later scribes added in the final twelve verses of Mark – so as not to leave a barn sized problematic hole in the story. The nice thing is the Bible doesn’t even try to conceal this from us, as the following wording is written in between end of verse 8, and start of verse 9:
“
The most reliable early manuscripts and other ancient witnesses do not have Mark 16:9-20.”
These facts are so damaging to the Christian belief that Jesus was resurrected after death, notwithstanding the obvious natural laws such an event would supersede. If the most simple and glaring explanation is the most likely, then resurrection has been written off, or at least, not written in.
This is Mark’s complete account of the burial:
“
It was Preparation Day (that is, the day before the Sabbath). So as evening approached, Joseph of Arimathea, a prominent member of the Council, who was himself waiting for the kingdom of God, went boldly to Pilate and asked for Jesus’ body. Pilate was surprised to hear that he was already dead. Summoning the centurion, he asked him if Jesus had already died. When he learned from the centurion that it was so, he gave the body to Joseph. So Joseph bought some linen cloth, took down the body, wrapped it in the linen, and placed it in a tomb cut out of rock. Then he rolled a stone against the entrance of the tomb. Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of Joses saw where he was laid.” (Mark 15:42-47 NIV)
Mark says quite clearly that it was Joseph of Arimathea, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of Joses who visited the tomb. Not surprisingly, Mary Magdalene. Because let’s be honest, they were doing the crazy monkey bedroom dance.
Matthew and Luke concur with Mark, but whom does John say buried Jesus?
“
Joseph of Arimathea was accompanied by Nicodemus.” (John 19:38-39 NIV)
Matthew: “After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week,
Mary Magdalene
and
the other Mary
went to look at the tomb.” (28:1)
Mark: “When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James,
and Salome
bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body.” (16:1)
Luke: “It was Mary Magdalene,
Joanna
, Mary the mother of James,
and the others
.” (24:10)
John: “Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance.” (20:1)
Had the stone already been rolled away when Jesus’ posse turned up, or was it done so before their own eyes?
Mark: “But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away.” (16:4)
Matthew: “Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it.” (28:1-2)
This is yet another event illustrating yet another example disparity between all four Gospels. They display such a stark contradiction between one another, and rather than just quote the respective passages in question, I will use the script from one of my favorite religious cartoonists Russellsteapot.com:
Priest: “Thanks everyone for participating in this year’s Easter Pageant. All right kids we need to rehearse the part where it’s Easter morning and the first visitors arrive at Jesus’ tomb. Now who’s in this scene?”
Child 1: “I am! Matthew 28:2-5 says an angel came down from heaven to greet them.”
Child 2: “No, it wasn’t an angel! It was a ‘Young man’, Just look at Mark 16:5!”
Child 3: “Hello! Luke 24:4 says very clearly it was ‘Two men’.”
Child 4: “Well according to John 20:1-2 nobody was there.”
Priest: “Children, the contradictions don’t matter! What matters is that we unquestioningly accept the magic of the resurrection even within the face of such glaring contradictions within the story.”
Child 4: “Father, that was the most wonderfully concise summary of Christianity I have ever heard.”
Priest: “Thank you child. It is blind submission to authority that got me where I am today.”
This narrative has some serious implications for the Christian message if we accept Mark’s testimony, i.e. the one written closest to the time of Jesus, as true. Mark says that Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome return the tomb to discover that the stone blocking the entrance has been rolled away. Out of sheer curiosity they walk into the tomb and are met by a
“young man dressed in a white robe”
. The unidentified stranger says to the women:
“
Don’t be alarmed, you are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter, ‘He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him (Jesus) just as he promised you.”
(Mark 16:6-7 NIV)
Their instructions were clear - tell the disciples that Jesus has risen from the dead, and that he will appear to them, in the form of a ghost in Galilee to speak to them. What do the women do next? Do they carry out this order?
“
Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.” (Mark 16:8 NIV)
What? They said nothing, to no one, out of fear? How would the disciples then know to meet JC Ghostly in Galilee? The answer is obvious; they wouldn’t.
Subsequently, that’s the end of the story according to Mark. The events concerning the life and death of Jesus are officially over. Wait! There are another twelve verses in the Gospel of Mark! But with the inclusion of a footnote, in the New International Version Biblical text, that reads:
“
The most reliable early manuscripts and other ancient witnesses do not have Mark 16:9-20.”
In other words, or better, in Ehrman’s words, “It appears that the final twelve verses of Mark’s Gospel are not original to Mark’s Gospel but were added by a scribe in a later generation.”
A reading of
Matthew
,
Luke
, and
John
only serves to entrench us in more and more questions. Take
Matthew
, for example; it’s the angel that tells the attending women to inform the disciples to meet Jesus’ ghost in Galilee. In his account the women are not portrayed as
“trembling and bewildered”
but as
“filled with joy”
, and accordingly they follow the instructions given and head to inform the others. Jesus, what a balls-up!
Who did Jesus first appear to after his resurrection?
Mark: “He appeared first to
Mary Magdalene
.” (16:9)
Matthew: “So
the women
hurried away from the tomb, suddenly Jesus met them. “Greetings” he said. (28:8-9)
Luke: “Jesus appeared to
two of the disciples
on the road to Emmaus.” (24:13-15)
John: “Jesus appeared to
the women at the tomb
.” (20:13-14)
Let’s not forget the fact that we are talking about a dead man’s ghost here. It would be fair to assume that his first actions after death would be proportionately profound and illuminating. Perhaps a monologue about what dying was like, or about the quality of the weed in the afterlife, maybe even an absolution of the ‘sins’ of the Jews and Pontius Pilate for their role in ‘freeing him’ from his ‘earthly vessel’.
Are you ready for this? According to Matthew, his first order of business, post-death, is to allow Mary Magdalene and the ‘other Mary’ to “clasp his feet” in worship. How one can clasp the feet of an incorporeal spirit in a non-physical form is more than baffling. John writes more or less the same, but with a little more of the misogynistic diatribe that we’ve come to expect from his gospel. His twist, is that he forbids the women to touch is feet because he has not yet ascended to Heaven, despite the fact that he allows Thomas to do so, a few days later.
Mark, however, writes that Jesus’ first interaction is his command to his disciples to preach the Gospel:
“
Jesus appeared to the Eleven as they were eating; he rebuked them for their lack of faith and their stubborn refusal to believe those who had seen him after he had risen. He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.” (Mark 16:14-15 NIV)
Now that Jesus has risen from the dead and spoken with his disciples, he is ready to ascend into Pixie Land. So, when does he decide to climb the stairway to heaven?
Mark: Jesus ascends while he and his disciples are seated at a dinner table in Jerusalem. (14-19)
Matthew: Doesn’t mention the ascension at all.
Luke: Jesus ascends after dinner in Bethany, on the same day as the resurrection. (24:50-51)
John: Doesn’t mention the ascension.
Moreover, the Book of Acts, which is attributed to the same author as Luke (whose real identity is an absolute mystery), details Jesus’ ascension into to Heaven as taking place at Mt. Olivet (Acts 1:9-12) some forty whole days after the resurrection. This obviously contradicts what the same lazy author wrote, as described above, in Luke 24:50.
The final words of the Gospels as presented by Mark:
“
Then the disciples went out and preached everywhere, and the Lord worked with them and confirmed his word by the signs that accompanied it.” (Mark 16:20 NIV)
The variant views between Mark and Luke’s reasoning as to why Jesus had to die is yet another scud-missile into the ship stern that is Christianity’s credibility. Familiar with the fact Mark’s Gospel preceded the other three, and as such, is potentially more credible than the others (Matthew and Luke) who subsequently used Mark as the source for their own.
Well, there is a passage found in Mark that is of extreme fundamental theological significance but is not found in Luke’s. Therefore, it is safe to presume that Luke made a sole arbitrary decision to omit it.
