Jingle All the Mitchell Way: A Holiday Novella (4 page)

As I ventured away from them, a smile remained on my face. I was optimistic about the outcome of my getting the motorhome, and hoping that when my brother and Amber saw it they’d know everything was about to work out.

Chapter 5

Jax

“I’m ready to drop it in. Are you sure the temperature is set right?” Jake asked while holding the twenty five pound turkey, prepared to lower it into the hot grease.

“Yeah, it’s been on for an hour. Drop it in.”

I wasn’t one to read directions, not that my dad’s turkey fryer came with any. I was pretty sure my mom had them somewhere in the house, or that I could pull them off the internet, but chose to wing it, much like everything I attempted. The concept was simple. You drop the bird in the hot oil and when it turns brown it’s ready to eat. It was foolproof.

“If you say so.”

I never could have expected what would occur when my brother took my advice. At first I realized I’d put too much oil into the pot. As the turkey dropped, hot oil poured from the sides, falling down and igniting against the open flame. We both backed up and watched as the fire spread to the inside of the pot, a loud crackling sound coming from the turkey.

“Holy Shit! Get the hose!” I scrambled around it, completely in denial that I’d misjudged to this degree.

Drops of little flames fell onto the ground, charring the cold grass surrounding the area. “I got this!” Jake fetched the garden hose, hopeful to control the blaze, only to discover it fueled it more. In a matter of seconds the plastic prep table beside it was on fire, and it was spreading to a nearby shed, full of equipment, including cans of kerosene. “Shit. It’s not helping.” He was doing his best to manage the situation, while I was still assuming it would burn out and be fine.

It only took a few more seconds for the situation to become alarming. I think at the same moment we realized the worsening situation could potentially destroy property if we didn’t get control of it soon.

We both panicked, running around kicking the spots to cover them in dirt, all the while ignoring the bird. Imagine two grown men shouting and losing their shit, not knowing what the hell to do to rectify the situation we’d clearly gotten ourselves into. In the middle of chaos, I heard the sound of the screen door shutting, I turned around to watch as my wife’s heart shattered. All her hopes of having a perfect day were falling apart, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to make it better.

Amber came closer, her hands covering her mouth. “No. No. No. Not today.” She ran into the garage, coming out with a large drop cloth and tossing it over everything. For a few seconds it seemed under control, up until the flames burned through the material.

Reese came outside with her cell phone up to her ear. I already knew she was on the phone with the fire department, and as much as I’d like to think we had things under control, I could only imagine them escalating quickly.

Jake and I continued burying the new batches of fire as they formed, containing the grease fire to a smaller location. My concern was that the propane canister would explode, so we continued tossing dirt around it to prevent it from overheating. Jake used the hose to soak the ground around the shed, taking away anything highly flammable so it wouldn’t catch. “Just keep at it. It will eventually burn out.” His announcement made me cringe, because I knew my wife was listening, losing all hope for a beautiful presentation to our Thanksgiving meal. I pictured a black bird, so crispy one touch caused it to disintegrate, while our entire family watched in horror.

I wasn’t just going to be in the doghouse, there was a good chance I wouldn’t be having any more children, because she was going to tear off my balls and serve them as an alternative. The thought caused me to cringe in fear, while I watched the backyard lawn turning to ash.

The sirens were loud as they approached the property. In the time it took them to arrive a ten by ten area of the yard had been burned. My wife stood in tears and they pulled out back and assessed the situation. It took them seconds to spray the fire and put it out. Two firemen lifted the pot, taking it away from the propane tank, while another made sure the gas was finally turned off.

I heard them talking amongst themselves. “What a bunch of idiots.”

“I know. I’ve seen it all now,” the other one agreed. “Did you see the wife? She’s probably wondering why she married such a moron.”

“Don’t let them give you shit. They haven’t seen pussy since the Cowboys won a Super bowl, and it was probably their mom back then. Look at them. They’re so damn out of shape they can’t even see their dicks without a mirror.” My brother put his arm around and watched. I wasn’t sure if he was genuinely sorry for being a part of it, or just felt pity for what I was about to get from my wife. Either way, I accepted his support. “It’s all going to be fine, bro,” he tried to reassure me. “Don’t listen to those assholes.”

We received a few dirty looks as they left the property, but I didn’t choose to egg them on like my brother. I was already in enough hot water with Amber. When everything was quiet the emergency crew left us standing in the backyard. Jake and I approached the pot, both taking a side of the turkey grate and pulling it out. It was black, charred and ruined.

My poor wife remained in the same position, succumbing to the realization that we’d once again failed at cooking the damn bird.

Jake patted me on the back. “Don’t worry. I know for a fact someone else made a turkey. It’s not a big deal.”

Even though I knew my mother had a backup plan, it was clear my wife wasn’t going to appreciate it for the sentiment. She’d see it as failing, and to Amber, it wasn’t an option.

We watched her rush into the house, Reese staying behind with us. It may not have been a big deal to them, but it was obvious my wife was devastated. She’d gone out of her way to prove she could handle the event, only to come up with a burnt turkey, and it was all my fault.

I told my brother and his woman to remain outside, while I tended to my distraught wife. I found her on the couch, face down. The twins were on the loveseat, still asleep through the sirens and mayhem. I was glad they’d missed it.

“Baby,” I whispered. “It’s going to be fine.”

“No, it’s not. We don’t have a turkey. The whole meal is based on that stupid bird. I’m never going to hear the end of this. I should’ve known when I got up this morning it was going to be a terrible day. I should have stayed in bed.”

I wiped the makeup off her cheeks. “I will fix this.”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Jax, don’t. I’m not blaming you. I won’t be a jerk. I know you tried, but it’s ruined.”

“Sit tight. I have an idea.”

“What?” she asked as I started to leave the room.

“There’s a place selling Thanksgiving dinners. I’ll go pick up a turkey or two. It’ll be fine. We’ll throw away the evidence and nobody but us will know. Jake and Reese will take it to the grave.”

Amber stood then headed in my direction. “This is a disaster.”

“It’s going to be fine. I love you. I’ll go out and steal the neighbors turkey if I have to.”

“Please don’t.” She seemed like she believed I’d do it. My neighbor closest to the property was my family, so it wouldn’t have even been a big deal since they’d be attending dinner anyway.

Before heading into town, I considered getting the turkey my mother made and filling her in on the mess I’d made. Then I decided to keep the peace with my wife and get two smaller turkeys prepared by professionals, so she could have the presentation she dreamed of.

Thankfully, they were open and had several birds completely cooked and ready to go. I purchased the two biggest in size and paid for them, content on knowing it was for a good cause. Amber would be thrilled, and everyone could feast never knowing what we’d gone through just to have meat on the table.

An hour later we were in full preparation mode. The table was being set. Reese was vacuuming. Jake was crawling around with the twins on his back to keep them occupied, while Amber focused on the side dishes she’d planned on making.

For a few seconds I stood there watching. She caught me and smiled. “Thank you for this, Jax.”

I stepped closer, pulling her into my arms. “I told you not to worry.”

“You set fire to the backyard. Your dad’s fryer is black. We have no grass. You still haven’t finished making your so-called stuffing balls you claim is some kind of tradition. It’s hard not to worry.”

“We pulled it off. Look at everything. It’s perfect. As far as the balls, just leave that to me. I can make them with my eyes closed.”

“I love you.” Her words were always welcomed.

I brushed my lips over hers. “I think I deserve an extra special dessert tonight.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I have something in mind.”

Once I calmed my wife down, at least enough to get her out of my hair, I got back to work, scavenging around to prepare the second most important part of the meal. I’d managed to cook the sausage ahead of time, so shaping them together was the easy part. Fifteen minutes later they were in the oven, baking to a crispy brown hue so that everyone could stuff their mouths with my balls and be blessed with an incomprehensible burst of flavor.

It was evident my family was going to show up with dishes they’d prepared. We’d have enough food to feed a small village, and after three or so helpings, we’d sit around comatose watching football until eventually most of us fell asleep.

For a little while all was quiet, like the calmness before the storm. I watched the clock on the wall ticking, counting down the minutes until the house was filled with more people than it could handle.

Chapter 6

Jake

Five turkeys.

That’s how many appeared on the large kitchen counter, set up buffet style. With every single guest that entered the home, a large bird was being carried. At first it was funny, especially considering everyone had the same idea – that Amber would burn the house before she could pull off a Thanksgiving feast. Only a few of us knew about the catastrophe earlier in the day, and since it was technically Jax’s undoing, Amber wasn’t responsible.

Along with the slew of poultry, we had plenty of scrumptious side items to surely send us into food comas after the second and third helpings. As tradition would entail, ten turkey drums would be available for what my father had renamed as the annual eye for an eye event.

Years back, it started out as a terrible accident. My dad apparently waved his turkey leg around, smacking it right into my mother’s eye. Blinded by the natural grease, she scurried around trying to alleviate the sting, while the rest of the family observed the fiasco.

Since that Thanksgiving, someone was always trying to get my dad back. Shenanigans were bound to happen at our family get-togethers anyway, but unlike the unexpected prank, this one would go down in history of a strategically planned attack.

With the food ready to eat, and everyone congregating inside the warm home the time had come to bring out the surprise. With the family packing into Jax’s place like sardines, I snuck out and retrieved the large motorhome, arriving back at my brother’s house without them noticing I’d left. With my heart rapidly beating out of excitement, I laid on the horn, becoming surprised at how loud it sounded.

One by one the family came outside, everyone waiting for an explanation.

I opened the door and peeked out, giving them all a once over before stepping foot on the ground. Reese approached me first. “I’m not sure this a good idea. Maybe we should just take a trip instead.”

“It’s going to work,” I said under my breath, changing my tone when it came to explaining what I had up my sleeve. My attention was on Jax and Amber, who clearly awaited an explanation. “Now that everyone is here I’d like to make an announcement.”

Jax crossed his arms, but said the first thing on his mind. “You’re joining the traveling circus?”

“You wish. They offered to bring me on, but I figured you’d get jealous and follow me. Then Amber would seek us out and kick our asses.”

“Enough screwing around you two,” our mother said while her arms covered her chest to keep the chill off of her.

“Fine. So this morning Amber got offered a part in a movie.” I felt it was necessary to add some details. “Don’t get all excited Uncle Colt. It’s not a porno. We won’t get to see her tits.”

“Jake!” my mom was not amused, which in turn only fueled me to want to continue.

My dad couldn’t keep his amusement at bay. He put his hand on Uncle Colt’s shoulder and gave him a playful shove. I smirked before continuing, winking at Noah as I went, who was also annoyed. “Anyway, it’s an opportunity for her to have a chance to work with some big names. Amber thinks she can’t manage the twins and take the offer. She wants to turn it down.”

The yard filled with people giving her their opinions. It became so loud I couldn’t keep explaining.

Amber walked toward me. Her hands were on her hips when she started talking. “Jake, why would you tell them? Jax and I made our decision. The timing is wrong.”

“The timing is right, dear sister-in-law. With this baby here,” I tapped on the motorhome. “You’re going to be able to take the job while coming home to your kids and horny husband each night.”

“What?” Jax came up behind her, the crowd of family members tuning in finally.

“I’ve got a plan. After discussing it with Reese, we’ve decided to go with you. We’ll help Jax with the girls while you’re on set. We’ll do our shopping on the road, and make it back to Kentucky before Santa shows up.”

Jax shook his head and laughed. “You and Reese want to take a road trip across the country with two small children during the holiday season? Have you lost your damn mind?”

I felt confident. “Nope. I’m thinking about what’s best for everyone. It’s got two big bedrooms. We can set the girls up in the living room. You won’t have to haul all your shit in hotel rooms or do without. Everything will be within reach.”

“Whose driving?”

“Me.”

“No, I want to drive. I’ve seen how easily you’re distracted.”

I shook my head and noticed my mother speaking to Amber. “Sweetie, you don’t want to pass up on the opportunity. Traveling with the girls might not be ideal, but you’ll be together. They’re young enough it will be easy. You can stop and see Santa in your travels. Jake and Jax will find plenty to keep them occupied.”

Amber rolled her eyes. “It doesn’t take much. That’s kind of what I’m afraid of.”

“Hey, now. Jake and I will be on our best behavior.” Jax wrapped his arms around his wife, not paying any attention to the crowd of people still standing around. “This is your chance, baby. I think Jake might be onto something. I know your hours will be long, but think about coming home to us every night. We won’t have to spend a night apart, and if we’re lucky, we’ll still be able to spend Christmas with this whole crew.”

Amber finally saw the big picture. “I can’t believe you did this, Jake. You only found out about the movie thing this morning.”

“I know. I spent the good part of it in a sales trailer convincing some old man I was someone he could trust. I figure we’ll give it a try, and if we like it, I’ll proceed with the sale. For now it’s a trial commitment.”

“In other words,” Reese added. “You can’t be reckless. We’ll have to take care of it, or Jake will be responsible.”

“I’m already responsible, Reese. I’ve pretty much signed my name in blood to take it.” She seemed shocked I’d done something without much thought. It wasn’t a frugal choice, but well worth it if we’d get use out of it. If anything we’d use it to go back and forth to Kentucky. “Imagine driving to Kentucky and never having to stop for meals or to take a shit. I thought it would give us something to make memories in.”

“We have a new house payment, and a wedding.”

“What’s another sixty grand, baby?”

I watched my parents mouths drop in shock. Reese looked as if she was going to pass out, while my brother continued to smirk from ear to ear. Knowing him, he’d neglected to hear my comment, only focusing on how he and Amber could screw in each of the rooms before Reese and I would get a chance. Kids didn’t seem to slow my brother down, not when it came to getting his wife in the sack. I couldn’t blame him. He’d been obsessed with her since day one, and I’m pretty sure she was just as smitten. Their quick nuptials didn’t reflect the struggle they both had to realize they belonged together. I think the courthouse approach was a means to an end. Besides, with Amber’s busy modeling schedule, she didn’t have time to sit down and plan a detailed event, like Reese spent most of her free time doing.

With everyone beginning to freeze, our Aunt Savanna gathered up a bunch of the family. “Come on everyone. Let’s get a group picture before going inside. The food will be cold.”

My dad offered another option. “Hold on. I think we need to hear Amber’s answer before we start celebrating. Don’t keep us waiting, hun. Are you going to be the first Mitchell on the big screen?”

Amber was in the spotlight, much like she was used to. She shrugged. “I guess I can’t refuse now. I mean, it’s not every day someone risks his credit score for me to follow my dreams.”

Everyone in the group celebrated with some kind of amused response. Jax stepped forward and took my hand, shaking it with a firm grip. “Dude, this is great. I can’t believe you did this shit.”

“The girls might kill us after a few nights on the road.”

“They’ll live. This means a lot to Amber and me too. I can tell it was getting to her among everything else today. Now she can focus on dinner and worry about the move afterwards.”

“Why would she need to focus on dinner? We can feed the entire town with as many turkeys as we have in your kitchen. Tell me why you went out and bought yours again. You had to know Mom would make at least one. Seriously, bro, you can feed the homeless in at least four countries.”

Jax got closer so nobody else could hear him. “I’d do anything to keep my wife happy. Take notes, brother. If you want the pussy, you have to work for it. I buy a bird, I get to stuff the wife later.”

“I’ve never had to work for pussy, and I sure as hell won’t be considered someone’s bitch for it to happen.”

“I happened to like it when she makes me her bitch. The things she can do with those long legs.” He made a sound like he’d bitten into a moist brownie and was savoring every morsel. “MmMm. You just don’t know.”

“I’d rather not hear about the detail of your fornicating. It might make me go into the priesthood.”

“Just wait until Reese starts popping out kids. You’ll see. Her vagina will get six times bigger, and you’ll wonder if you should stick your head up there and call out for anyone inside of it.”

“You have a screw loose. You’re sick!”

“Serious, dude. It’s huge. Then like magic it’s back to normal, calling out your name every time the panties come off.”

“I’ve suddenly lost my ability to rationalize with you.”

“Soon you’ll be struggling to find time to sleep and shit in peace. Having sex is like Christmas. You’ll see. Plus you’ll be thanking me for all the great advice.”

“You and I clearly have different opinions of Christmas and sex. Jesus is the reason for the season. Didn’t you listen in church?”

“Isn’t that the place where I lost my virginity? I seem to recall the girl calling out for Jesus a few times, but it was obvious she knew that wasn’t my name.” He teased.

“There’s no hope for you.” Since I knew when his first time had taken place it was obvious he was fooling around. “Nonetheless, I’m happy to spend the holidays cramped in a motorhome, driving wherever Amber needs to be in order for your family to have a better life, screwed up or not. Maybe she can afford a high-dollar shrink for your demented mind.”

“Maybe.”

“Look, all puns aside, I’m doing this for you. It’s important we make it to Kentucky, but if we can’t, at least we’ll all be together. We’ll make sure the twins are visited by a big fat man in a red suit on December twenty-fifth. It will be epic and unforgettable, all thanks to their Uncle Jake.”

Jax’s face contorted. “Did you just imply some male stranger is going to visit my twin girls on Christmas? I don’t know what you’re trying to get at, but ain’t no man in a creepy red velvet suit getting anywhere near my precious girls. I’ll cut off his balls and feed them to his mangy reindeer.”

I cackled. “Damn. You’d cut off Santa’s balls?”

“You bet your ass I would. I’m a dad now.”

“You do know you’re Santa, right? You’re planning on cutting off your own balls and feeding them to magical reindeer? Have you been drinking while I was gone?”

“It’s highly possible.”

“Good, because I was beginning to think I lost you for a second. Just so we’re clear, Santa isn’t real.”

Just as I said it my sister Isabella’s daughter, Sarah stood in front of me looking like I’d just killed her puppy. Her bottom lip came out, and before I could come up with an excuse as to why I’d blubbered the awful truth for her little ears to overhear, I was getting a slap in the back of my head. “Way to go, loser!” My dad exclaimed, while scooping up his granddaughter. “Don’t listen to Uncle Jake. Grandpa happens to know for a fact that Santa is real. Uncle Colt used to work for him. In fact, he’s so old he helped build his sleigh.”

Uncle Colt, who lets just be honest, wasn’t the most comical of the bunch, shook his head and smiled, figuring on appeasing the small child instead of making a mockery of my dad’s attempt to crack on him.

Jax shoved me toward the house. “You sure know how to fuck things up, bro.”

If he was right then our holiday road trip was doomed for failure. All I could hope was that we’d all make it safely back in one piece, including the high dollar motorhome I’d be responsible for paying for, even if it was turned into scrap metal, or burned on the side of the road.