Journey of the Heart (16 page)

“Cait! You are up early,” Elizabeth said with surprise in her voice, and then concern. “Why is your riding skirt all dirty? Were you thrown?”

“It was Sky.” Cait looked up at her mother with such agony in her eyes that Elizabeth’s heart turned over.

“Sky? Did he pull you off your feet?” Elizabeth was trying to imagine what the horse could have done.

“I tried to ride him, Ma.”

“Why, I didn’t think Gabe had him ready yet….” her mother said slowly.

“He wasn’t ready to be ridden, but I tried anyway and he threw me.”

“Are you all right, Cait?”

“I am fine,” she replied in a shaky voice. “Just had the wind knocked out of me. And I’m sure that Mr. Hart would like to knock it out of me again.”

Elizabeth reached out and brushed some of the caked mud from her daughter’s hair. “But why, Cait? You are almost as good as your Da at handling horses.”

Cait flung herself into her mother’s arms and sobbed out, “Oh, Ma, I don’t know. I don’t know why I did it. And I am so sorry I did and I can’t tell Sky that, he won’t understand that I didn’t mean to scare him.”

“Come,” said Elizabeth and she took Cait by the hand and led her to the parlor sofa where she sat down with Cait next to her. She put her arm around her daughter’s shoulders and when she drew her close, Cait’s sobs began again.

This time, Elizabeth let her cry. There was something deeper in this than Night Sky, though that mistake was certainly enough to make anyone cry, thought Elizabeth. If Cait had ruined Gabe’s weeks of work…well, she didn’t want to think about it.

Finally her daughter was still. “A lot has happened this summer, Cait,” she observed gently.

“Oh, Ma, everything seemed so clear in Philadelphia.”

“What seemed clear?”

“That I loved Henry and want to make my home in the East. That I could be as good a teacher as Mrs. Weld.”

“And isn’t that still clear? You and Henry have seemed happy together.”

“I
do
love Henry. But when I came home, everything had changed. Pa had hired Mr. Hart and let him work with my horse. I was so jealous, Ma.”

“I know.”

“But I thought I was over it. And then Mackie. How can I leave you and Da? I’ll worry myself sick back east knowing you are in danger. And then Henry came and I thought that when we were officially engaged, I would feel safe. But nothing feels safe anymore,” she cried.

“Do you love Henry, Caitlin?” Elizabeth asked softly.

“I do, Ma. He is smart and easy to talk to. He will probably be a judge himself someday,” she added proudly.

“Do you love him because he is a brilliant lawyer?”

“No, he’s also handsome and kind, and he loves me. But….”

“But what, Cait?”

“We’ve done some kissing,” she said in a low voice.

“I should hope so!” laughed Elizabeth.

“I
love
kissing Henry,” she added almost defiantly.

“Thank goodness,” her mother teased.

“Ma!”

“You haven’t done anything more than kissing, have you?”

“No and that is what confuses me. I
want
to. But I am not sure Henry does. Oh, I guess it is only because he is so much a gentleman and wants to protect me….”

“But you wish he wouldn’t.”

“I wish…oh, Ma, I know this sounds like I am fifteen again, but I just wish he had a little more wildness in him.”

Elizabeth was quiet, and Cait continued. “It is not Henry’s fault, really, it is me. I just am feeling so torn between loving home and loving Henry. Maybe I am just ‘Calico Cait.’ That’s what the girls at school used to call me at first. I just don’t know where I belong anymore.”

Elizabeth prayed that she would find the right thing to say to her daughter.

“Are you disgusted with me, Ma?” Cait asked anxiously.

“Oh, Caitlin, I could never be that. You were very wrong to ride Sky, but I think I understand why you did it. You have come to one of the most important times in a woman’s life, a time when she moves away from all she has known, from her parents and the home of her childhood, and begins to build a life of her own. It is an exciting time, but it is also terrifying, for if you look behind you, you can see everyone and everything that has been a part of your life, but when you look ahead, there you are, standing with your hand in someone else’s, with no way of knowing what is to come.”

“I think that is what frightens me,” whispered Cait.

“So you can’t look back and you can’t look ahead. You can only look to the one you love who stands next to you, Cait. If you are lucky enough to have found the right person, then he is your home and the future is what you will create together.”

“But how can anyone know for sure if it is the right person?”

Elizabeth laughed. “Oh, Cait, I don’t know what to tell you. You are different from me so the right person for you would be a very different one than for me.” She hesitated, not wanting to influence her daughter, then said: “But I do believe that the love between you should include both affection and passion.”

“I certainly have affection for Henry and he for me,” said Cait thoughtfully.

“And you are a passionate woman, Caitlin. About everything,” added Elizabeth. “Horses, books, the beauty of your surroundings, wherever you are.”

Cait was quiet for a moment and then said, with a glimmer of a smile on her face, “Ma, if I had been raised a real Catholic, like Da, I think I’d have to go to confession.”

“And what would you have to confess?” asked Elizabeth with an answering smile.

“I love Henry. But I want him to kiss me in a very different way than he does. The way I imagine Gabe Hart might kiss me,” she added in such a low voice that Elizabeth had to strain to hear her. “Not that he ever has or would,” Cait added quickly. “But I have
wanted
him to. Is that very awful of me? And I don’t even know if I like him. He certainly doesn’t like me, especially not after this morning.”

Elizabeth smiled over her daughter’s head, then gave her a hug. “Gabriel Hart is a very handsome man, Cait. If I were twenty years younger and a single woman, I think I’d be wondering what it would be like to kiss him too. There is a touch of wildness in him, I think, though he seems quiet and shy.”

“Shy? Gabe Hart wasn’t very shy this morning, I can tell you.”

“Oh, I can imagine he told you what he thought of you, but I don’t think he opens up his heart to anyone. I am glad his sister is coming for a visit,” Elizabeth added thoughtfully. “But, Cait, it is quite all right to feel a stirring of desire and curiosity when you see a handsome, interesting man. Even if you are engaged, or even married. The important thing is that you also have that between you and Henry.”

“What if I am not sure we will, Ma?”

“Henry is a very proper young man from the East. He is treating you the way he would want his sister to be treated, I am sure that is all. But if it is not….”

“If it is not?”

“You know I was married before I met your Da, Cait.”

“Yes.”

“I’ve talked a little about Thomas over the years. He was such a good man, Thomas Woolcott, Cait. He saved my life in many ways by marrying me and we had a good marriage. Had he lived and had your Da not come along, we would have continued to be happy with each other. I would never have known how much we both were missing. We had great affection for each other, Cait, but no real passion. One can have a good marriage without it. I know that. But I would like you to have both. I think you will only be happy if you have both.”

“How will I know, Ma?”

“You have some time still. Henry will be back from California in a few weeks and you will have three months in Philadelphia before the wedding.”

“Oh, Ma, I don’t know if I can leave you.”

“It is a part of growing up, Cait. And your father and I would never want you to stay only out of fear for our safety. You have to trust that we can take care of our lives just as we trust that you can make the right decisions for yours.”

They both heard Michael come down at the same time. “Oh, Ma, what will I tell Da about Sky?”

“The truth. But you know he will be angry.”

“He will be furious.”

“You have to face him sometime. Come and help me with breakfast, but first go wash your face and change into clean clothes.”

Cait slipped up the stairs and Elizabeth went into the kitchen.

“I was wondering where you had gone,
a ghra,”
said Michael, concern in his eyes. “Did you have another nightmare?”

“Yes, Michael, but I woke up before the worst parts, thank God. I came down to start the fire, but I was distracted by Cait.”

“Did I just hear her go up the stairs? What is she doing up so early?”

“She will tell you herself, Michael. But I want you to promise me you won’t be too hard on her.”

“Why, what can she have done that is so bad, Elizabeth?” His eyes widened. “She and Henry…they haven’t…?”

“No, Michael, they haven’t,” responded Elizabeth with a soft laugh. “Though I almost wish they had….”

“What are ye sayin’,
a ghra?”

“It seems that Henry has been very much the gentleman.”

“Thanks be to God for that,” said Michael with relief.

“Yes, but I want Cait to have what we have, Michael.”

Michael blushed. “Of course, and so do I. I just don’t want to be thinkin’ about it!”

When Cait came back down, she had scrubbed her face and changed into an old calico dress. Her cheek had been scraped and bruised from her fall, however, and there was nothing she could to do cover it. Her father noticed it immediately.

“Whatever happened to your face, Cait?”

“I took a fall, Da.”

“You are all right?” he asked worriedly.

“Yes, Da. I am all right.” She took a deep breath. “But I am afraid Sky is not.”

“Sky?”

“I tried to ride him this morning, Da. I wanted to show Henry that I could. I guess I wanted to show Mr. Hart and maybe even you that I could. I
wanted
Sky to let me ride him, Da. I wanted to know that he trusted me more than anyone else.”

Michael’s face was set and stern as he took in what she was telling him. As he opened his mouth to speak, Elizabeth touched him gently on the arm, as if to remind him of his promise.

“It is not up to a horse to prove that
he
trusts
you,
Cait. It is up to you to prove that you are trustworthy.
That
is what makes him your horse. And only that.”

Her father had never spoken so harshly to her, and she felt it deeply. What made it worse was that every word he spoke to her was true.

“I know that, Da,” she answered, with her eyes lowered in shame. “I am so sorry.”

“Where is the horse?”

“I tied him to the fence, Da, to mount him. Mr. Hart could not get close enough to untie him,” she confessed, her face red.

Michael turned on his heel and was out the door before she knew it.

“Oh, Ma, what can I do?”

“I think you must go out and face what you have done, Cait.”

She wanted her mother to take her in her arms. She wanted Henry to come down and tell her he understood. She did not want to go out and see her father’s face when he saw Sky. It was the hardest thing she’d ever done, but Cait made herself go out the door and down to the corral.

Sky was still where she’d left him but there was a bucket of water and a small pile of hay in front of him, so Gabe Hart must have been able to get close enough to leave them there, thank God, if not to untie him. Michael was standing a few feet from the fence, murmuring to himself and the horse in Irish. Sky’s ears would prick forward as if to listen, and then flatten again if Michael tried to come any closer. The horse was still wet with sweat and as Cait got near, she could see how raw the halter had rubbed him.

“Dia,”
said Michael, with such disappointment in his voice that Cait thought her heart would break. “Look what you have done, Caitlin.”

What was the point of saying she was sorry again? She was determined not to cry, but she couldn’t help it and the tears poured down as she tried not to make a sound. But she couldn’t help it as a sob escaped her. Michael turned and the sight of his daughter’s misery melted him and he enfolded her in his arms and let her cry against his chest.

“The worst thing, Da, is I know I was wrong, but I can’t change anything now,” Cait said when she finally stopped crying. “Do you think I’ve ruined him forever?”

“I don’t know, Cait.”

“I just wish I could
talk
to him, explain that I would never hurt him. Say I’m sorry to him, like I can say I am sorry to you.”

“ ‘Tis only by our actions we can talk to them, Caitlin. Gabe has been having a slow, quiet conversation with Sky for weeks now.”

“But I know he trusted me too, Da. I’ve been grooming him and walking him.”

“I’m sure he did. But trust is such a delicate thing, Cait. Especially when you’ve been hurt as bad as this one was.”

The barn door opened and Gabe stepped out, his old shirt in his hand. When he saw Michael and Cait he came out through the gate and walked over to them.

If Cait had wanted to hide before, right then she wished for the power to make herself invisible. Though she supposed she might as well be, for Gabe talked to her father as though she wasn’t there.

“Good morning, Mr. Burke. You’ve heard what happened, then?”

“Yes, Gabe, Cait told me.”

Hart’s eyes didn’t even flick over to her.

“Well, he’s let me bring him water and something to eat. I’m going to try to wipe him down now. And maybe even walk him around a little if he’ll let me.”

He would have had every right to blame her, thought Cait, but he didn’t. He didn’t even mention her folly directly and instead went straight to what was important now: Sky.

“Good luck, boyo. Come, Cait, yer ma’s probably got breakfast ready for us. Twill be easier for Gabe to work alone.”

It was almost as hard to go back into the house as it had been to come out. Cait wanted to watch and see if Gabe could get Sky to let him touch him again. Some of her guilt would have lifted if she could have seen that. And now, oh, now she was willing to admit and even be glad that her horse trusted this man. She could only hope that though the trust between her and Sky was broken, Gabe’s relationship with the horse was safe.