Joy Comes in the Morning (23 page)

It was a week before Thanksgiving, and the day was special. Dark clouds hovered overhead, threatening a heavy downpour, reminding me of my trip to Kenya during the rainy season. It also reminded me of that day so many years ago, when one decision changed the course of my life forever. Yet, here I was standing boldly on the newly renovated stage of The Harvey Theater at The Brooklyn Academy of Music, waiting to share one of the most pivotal events of my thirty-year existence.

The Harvey was a self contained venue located on Fulton Street, restored and uniquely decorated. The academy, which had its history dating back to its first performance in 1861, had grown into a successful urban center over the years, bringing performing arts and film from all around the world to Brooklyn. I remembered the first time my mother brought my sister and me to attend a play there. What a magical experience it was, sitting in the balcony watching world class actors put on the performance of a lifetime. Now I stood here, all grown up, not to entertain, but to enlighten. Pastor Martin held the microphone. “And now I introduce to you Sister Alex Carter, a fine young lady, a member of Missionary Chapel Church since she was a little girl, a member of the praise team, a diligent worker on nearly every church committee there has ever been, an employee at Missionary Bible College, and I could go on, but I'll stop now. Suffice it to say that Sister Alex has taken a trip to Kenya and has come back with a powerful message from the Lord.” Pastor Martin started off the applause, and I came forward.

I waited for the applause to stop. Then I looked out into the eight hundred and seventy full seats and felt nothing but gratitude. “Welcome to Giving Life Women's Ministry. This ministry is not just about being pregnant or giving birth, at least not to babies, but it's also about giving birth to vision. God's vision through activism, planting Word seed, speaking life, carrying life, and protecting it. It is our mission to carry and protect life. That is our ultimate vision. As Christian women, we're nurturers of life so we cannot give in to societal pressures and join others in destroying life. We are not the ultimate creator of life. Therefore, we have no right to be the ultimate destroyer of life.

“Believe it or not, I was a destroyer of life. You see about ten and a half years ago, when I was about the same age of some of you here, I thought I was in love. I became pregnant. The truth is that he didn't love me, just used me. That's why God tells us to wait on our husbands, but like so many of us, I didn't listen. But that's all right because Jesus loved me the whole time. But sadly, before I knew that Jesus loved me, I was pregnant. I was pregnant and alone.” I sighed at the memory.

So I went to have an abortion at a cheap clinic in the town I went to college in. My twins, yes they were twins, were sucked out of me at only three months into the pregnancy. They never had a chance. And I never told a living soul how that procedure affected me physically or emotionally.

“Physically, I suffered an infection in the womb and fallopian tubes, which is a very fragile organ. In fact, I was blessed that my tubes were not sealed shut. That can happen when you develop pelvic inflammatory disease. I'm still not sure if other permanent damage was done. I'll have to trust God to heal me if it was.

“No one knew how I hemorrhaged and lay in a pool of my own blood, enduring side splitting pain for days. This was all because I was too scared to return for my post operative exam and because I had retained some fetal and placental tissue inside my womb. I almost died, trying to kill my babies. But no one knew. I was in college far away from home, so no one knew. No one except God, that is,” I said.

The crowd was silent.

“Emotionally, I cried every day for months. I couldn't concentrate in my classes, so my grades dropped. I had nightmares for years afterward. I gave up my chosen career because I couldn't face children. I didn't think I deserved the right to work with children. Now some of you might think how silly is that, but that's how I felt. So I gave up my career aspirations of being a teacher, and then I avoided anyone with a baby because I couldn't stand to look in their eyes.

So the biggest thing is not only did I end two lives, but to make matters worse, I couldn't even do the will of God for my own life. In fact, I almost sabotaged my relationship with my fiancé and his daughter because of my fear. She was the sweetest little girl, but I didn't want anything to do with her because of my own issues. I almost lost the opportunity to be her mother.

“I kept praying and waiting for answers, but the answer was in me all the time. I had to tell my story and get free. God had already set me free, but I had to forgive myself. I had to tell this story to free others too.”

“Why did you do it?” one girl yelled out.

“To preserve myself, because I listened to Satan's suggestions on saving myself, my reputation, and my life. As a result, I ended two lives that never had a chance.” My eyes overflowed with tears. “I made a deal with the devil and lost. I lost my children, and I lost myself. For a long time I had lost my own life.” I wiped my eyes with a tissue.

I walked away from the podium and stood in front of it. “Like Pastor Martin said I did take a trip to Kenya and God did give me a message there, but not because the problems with abortion are limited to Kenya. According to the Center For Disease Control, in 1990, abortions in the United States rose to a high of one point six million.According to information obtained primarily from The Center For Disease Control, since the Roe vs. Wade court decision, the annual number of legal induced abortions since 1973 has increased gradually up to 1990, which was a peak point, and then declined. In 2003, a total of eight hundred and forty-eight thousand, one hundred and sixty-three legal induced abortions were reported to CDC by forty-nine reporting areas. Have been forty eight million, five hundred eighty nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety three. In 2003, one point thirty-one million pregnancies were terminated by abortion in the United States. That means two point one percent of all women from the ages of fifteen to forty-four had an abortion in 2000. Unfortunately, over the years abortion has become one of the most common surgical procedures.

“The saddest news, I'm ashamed to say, is that a great percentage of these women are Christians.”

The audience gasped, and then began to whisper. “Why did these women do what they did? Some of the reasons I found were interference with school or work responsibilities, not being able to afford it, not wanting to be a single parent, or having problems with one's partner. But I say, don't we trust God enough to stay in the Spirit so we don't fulfill the lust of the flesh? Apparently not. “We should be separate, holy, and set apart until marriage. No matter what the world teaches us. We get our teaching not from the media, not from our peers, but from the Word of God. So join with us, ladies, at this teen summit in a declaration of abstinence. Let's be holy together until we can give that precious gift to our husbands. Now, I have a special guest who would like to say a few words.”

Michelle came up, holding Elijah in her arms. “Hi, I'm Michelle, and this is my baby. His name is Elijah, and one day he'll be a prophet. Now can you imagine if I had destroyed his life? I would have done exactly that if it weren't for Sister Alex.”

The crowd roared.

“She intervened in my life 'cause, Satan had me under a spell. Now I regret ever thinking about abortion, but it's out there, and it's real. The judgment I experienced, especially at my church, cut through to the core of my heart. My fellow members insulted me, and I felt cut down in my spirit. I felt like Jesus didn't love me, but I know now that's not true. Satan tried to oppress, depress, control, and confine me all in my mind. But Jesus saved me. He never did stop loving me. It ain't easy, but this is Elijah, and like I said before, one day he'll be a prophet. Thank you.” Michelle handed the microphone back to me.

The crowd applauded. Then I came forward, holding the microphone with one hand and holding the other hand in the air. Then with everything that was in me, I began to sing Tramaine Hawkins's “Holy One.” Tears rolled down my cheeks as I entered into praise and worship.
No, Lord, I'll never let you down any more.
The crowds applauded and cried out with adulation. The atmosphere was filled with joy as Sister Martin thanked us both
.

Afterward, I made my way behind the curtain to meet my friends and family backstage. Joshua immediately handed me a bouquet of long stemmed red roses. Lilah actually jumped into my arms and gave me a big kiss. Daddy, Aunt Dorothy, and Marisol hugged me and gave me their best wishes. Yet the one I searched through the crowds for, the one I was the most excited to see was Taylor. Taylor appeared slowly, wearing her metal leg braces and holding onto a walker struggling to get to me. I met her halfway.

“I'm proud of you.” Taylor's eyes were filled with tears.

I threw my arms around her, careful not to make her lose her balance. “Girl, please.”

“For everything you're doing for those young girls, for everything you do for the Lord, for not letting stuff get you down.” Taylor held onto her walker.

“Well, stuff has had me down for a long time.” I smiled at her.

“But you don't stay down. I didn't say you was perfect.” Taylor laughed hard. “What about you? Not so long ago you were too afraid to get out of bed and even get into a wheelchair, but look at you now, walking again, about to run your own center,” I said.

“That ain't nothing special.” Taylor laughed. “God did all the work.”

“I know, but you're a living testimony,” I said.

Just then Keith broke through the crowd and put his arm around Taylor. “Great job, Sister Alex.”

I smiled. “Thanks.”

“I'm waiting for another miracle, you know.” Taylor turned around and looked at Keith.

“Oh?” I wasn't sure which miracle she was referring to. So much had already happened for both of us.

“The miracle of me being able to walk again,” Taylor said.

“But you're walking now.”

“No, I mean without all of this.” Taylor directed her eyes toward all the metal equipment she needed to hold her steady. “I'm taking one step at a time, but one day I'm gonna put that tiara on my head, gonna throw away these braces and this walker, and I'm gonna walk right down the aisle at my wedding. I'm a diva, remember?” Taylor wiped away her budding tears.

“I know you will,” I said. “If your faith is nearly as big as your mouth, you will.”

Taylor and Keith both laughed.

Since I had lost a few pounds and toned up a lot, Taylor and I looked more alike than we had in a long time. I smiled at the fact that we not only had the same looks, but because we also had the same heart. Twins. We walked arm in arm, side by side, enjoying the goodness that is God, with a million tears left behind them and nothing but grace ahead. Today confirmed the fact that although that rainy day eleven years ago may have altered my course, it didn't alter my destiny. That was something God designed, and I still had a right to it. No matter what trials we faced, no matter how dark it got, no matter what weeping we may endure for a night, joy always comes in the morning.

Here we were back in Kenya on our long awaited honeymoon. Sister Ethel and Sister Martha were right about this being the perfect romantic spot. Besides, we wanted to start our international adoption proceedings right away. As the reddened sun faded onto the purplish horizon, we walked along the beach and everything was perfect. After a whirlwind courtship and a tumultuous engagement, we were finally Mr. and Mrs. Joshua Bennings and that was all that mattered.

It had been a beautiful spring wedding, compliments of Daddy and The Benningses. Everything had gone smoothly. Pastor Martin presided over the ceremony. Lilah had been the sweetest flower girl ever. Daddy had walked me gracefully down the aisle. Taylor had been my maid of honor, of course. Marisol and Michelle had been my bridesmaids. Deacon Jacob had been Joshua's best man. The entire Bennings family had been seated on one side with their skeptical, elitist expressions. Aunt Dorothy had been seated on the other side, where my mother would have been, six foot one, two hundred and seventy-five pounds, and proud as ever. The entire Missionary Chapel congregation had been invited to the ceremony, even Sister Winifred and Yvonne. They never came though. Haters.

Anyway, here we were, wrapped in our blanket on the sand, basking in the joy that was our love, when I noticed a group of what seemed to be missionaries walking toward us. One of them handed us a tract. “Jesus loves you,” one woman said.

Joshua smiled at them and took the tract. “Thank you.”

“We know God is good.” I looked over at Joshua and grabbed his hand. “We're on our honeymoon.”

“Oh, how nice.” The woman spoke with an accent and appeared to be a native.

Joshua and I looked at each other and grabbed hands. The sun reflected itself on the rippling waters, and I was at peace.